Mom has been in SNF for just over two weeks now.
She used to live with me - has for the past three years. Between four ER visits, a stroke in January, a host of other health problems, and now a suspected fall that has left her with limited mobility, she is receiving in-patient rehab largely at my insistence, as she originally just wanted to come back to my house despite being confined to a wheelchair. She is not keen to accept reality, and insists she is "fine" and "can take care of herself".
Fast forward to last night. We had a family caregiver meeting last week, with the social worker, nurse, physical therapist, etc., and started the "journey" towards her ultimate transition to AL. She wasn't overjoyed initially, but by the end of the meeting, seemed to be warming to the idea, albeit slowly. When my brother visited her a few days later, he reported back to me that she was "smiling and talking about the AL places she wanted to visit". Things seemed positive overall.
Last night, I "checked her out" of the facility to take her to dinner (which is permitted). Things were pleasant. We sat down, ordered dinner, and then she said she is "being kicked out in five days". She then further claims she "does not qualify for skilled nursing or assisted living", because she is "perfectly capable of taking care of herself".
I think she is confusing the end of the Medicare fully covered 21 day period. Just for medication management alone, she definitely qualifies for AL, if not more.
But ... it went south from there. By the end of my meal - which I spent mostly protecting the boundary that she cannot come back to my house because she would be unsafe - she had accused me of ruining her life, making her homeless, destroying her financial plans, etc. etc. She said a flurry of other hateful things, essentially keen to cast me as the "bad guy" enough that she would win leverage over me to take back control of the situation.
The good news is, I stood my ground. I didn't falter. I took her back to the SNF, got her back to her room, gave her a hug and left.
Now, I'm no stranger to tongue lashings from her. But, I am human still, and so, so far from perfect.
I plan to contact the social worker/case worker today - who by the way was the one person at the SNF my mom said she "cannot stand". Odd, since she is a soft spoken and very kind person, from what I observed - on top of having one of the toughest jobs there is, I believe.
Just seeking a little reassurance from my "cheering section", which is how I think of all of you. Reassurance that they are not going to "boot her out" in five days, that is not something that they would do. And, well ... that I'm not the bad guy. Intellectually I know I am not, but, my emotional side took a pretty good beating last night.
Sigh. Thank you for propping me up, again and again.
Receive your "blessing in disguise".
Interesting reference to the song: "The Cat's in the cradle" by your brother.
What does the phrase Cat's in the Cradle mean?
If you hear someone today use the expression “cat's in the cradle,” they're likely describing a relationship in which one person doesn't make enough time for the other, whether that's a romantic relationship, friendship, or parental relationship.
He, your brother, took off work, he obviously does not have time for Mom.
The song is about a parent who did not have time for his son, and the son became just like him, did not have time for his parent in his older years.
How can the caregivers here support you?
Will it help at all to know a neighbor did go thru this over a period of about a year: getting her way, going to a motel after discharge (avoiding the R.N. sent to administer antibiotics I.V.); continuing driving (On the wrong side of the road), threatening to buy a car if family did not return her car keys, and conning others to take responsibility for her large dogs. After discharge from the hospital, it was only a week before "they" caught up with her and she was admitted to an Assisted Living facility/board & care to contain her behaviors-behaviors that were symptoms of schizophrenia.
"They" consisted of her family-3 adult children, concerned neighbors, the manager who was evicting her 1) non-payment of rent; 2) keeping large dogs which were not allowed; 3) her doctors and emergency personnel. It took a year, but after her visit to the hotel, it only took another week to get her help.
The family, after she moved out, threw all her stuff into the dumpster without going through it because they just did not have the time. I felt so bad, but understand their actions today.
That time was fraught with emotions for this out of control neighbor. Looking back, anything we did to try to help her was useless and dangerous for her and the community.
Support! Take a few deep breaths, keep your boundaries up. Stay with us.
Eerie. And now I wonder if it was intentional on my brother's part.
It has proven a great buffer against any inkling of guilt I find myself fighting off here and there - that my brother isn't letting her come stay with him, either.
CTTN55 - thank you for that kind comment. Historically, I have been terrible about boundaries, particularly as it relates to my mother. So - I'm breaking ground on some new territory through this experience, and being frank, it feels pretty good.
It does not negate my interest in being supportive, helpful, resourceful, or an advocate overall - it just draws a clear line between that and what was the past pattern, which was allowing her to control me through manipulation and bullying.
I'm 52 years old. I guess I'm proof that you really can teach an old dog new tricks, right?
I hope you get some resolution soon. ((((Hugs)))))
Not much of an update. The silence is so deafening; I haven't heard from my mother since the weekend, when she last lambasted me, and also haven't heard from my brother in several days. Is it odd to say that I am ... enjoying the break from it all?
My mother has three close friends; two of them so far have messaged me and said how sorry they feel for me to be in this position, and how my mother has "planted her feet in cement". One even suggested she should be evaluated for dementia (they've both been speaking to her, it seems). Yesterday, I got a lovely card even from one of them, sending me love and telling me what an incredible daughter I have been to her, and am being to her by advocating so hard for her transition to a different living arrangement.
I'm feeling good about the boundary. Wow, it's amazing to be 52, turning 53 in just a few months, and thinking about how long it took me to learn how to draw a simple line in the "sand".
I hope you all are having a fabulous week. ♥️
I like to say that one of the functions of this forum is to tell folks that no, you shouldn't have to give up your life for your parents.
So many "kids" think that they are deficient in some way that they can't give up their jobs or marriages to tend mom or dad who made no plans, or who can't see that they need more care than one human can give. Or that, Heaven forefend, they might have to PAY for care.
For those of us with "normal" parents (whatever THAT means), there is never any thought that a huge sacrifice needs to be made. Inconveniences, more work than usual yes, but not to the point of breakdown, job loss or abuse. That's just not the way life should be.
Just thought I'd pop in for an update. Some of it decent, some of it just, well, not surprising, I don't think.
This past week, mom wasn't speaking to me. She had discharged herself unsafely from SNF, and moved herself into a motel. I was helping my brother identify a few places to examine - places that had a combination of independent and assisted living, as we felt the more independent the option appeared, the more apt my mother might be to consider.
She agreed to spend the day with my brother and I on Saturday to do some tours and visits. Of the three places we examined, all seemed to be pretty great - slight differences, but, all with the ability to meet the immediate need of keeping her safe and giving her some access to services and options. And, best part was ... she actually seemed to be warming to the idea. By the end of the day, she seemed keen on one of the places we visited - a place that had a room available that she could move into as early as this week.
I sent her a follow up text on Sunday, just so say I hope she was feeling okay after our busy day the day before, and I looked forward to supporting with next steps - whether that meant looking at more places, or making a decision.
Haven't heard a peep back since then. Her BFF, who secretly messages me with updates on things, texted me yesterday that in conversing with my mother, she has talked herself out of all of those options - "she doesn't need any help!" - and is apparently going to contact the City where she wants to live to find out what places she can rent a senior apartment. Meaning, an apartment that will offer no assistance, other than perhaps discounted rent and more ADA compliant access.
Now, to be fair, she hasn't communicated this clearly to me. And trying to get clear information out of my brother is quite the exercise in futility.
So, at this point, I'm not sure what else to do. I'm just not inclined to spend more of my time and energy trying to help find a solution for her, if she is just going to categorically reject anything I suggest.
So, that's where it sits. As far as I know, she reserved another week at the motel, and hasn't said anything to me since Saturday.
At least, I guess, I am keeping my boundary! She hasn't made any suggestion or attempt to come to my house. So ... I'm not too worried about that at this point. More just unsure what I can do, if anything, other than start to think about packing up her items and furniture at my house to move "sometime" after she makes a decision.
Here's hoping that, when I get to be her age, I am nowhere near as stubborn or in denial of my limitations!
I wonder if there is another "friend" in the other city who is telling her that she doesn't need help?
I'm kind of surprised she's lasted a week at the motel. Are you?
Did I already recommend to you Liz Scheier's book, Never Simple, in which for decades this poor memoirist attempted to help and protect her Mom who was mentally ill with personality disorder? (along with the help of the entire social services of the City and State of New York)? If I have not please order and read this book. I recommend it to everyone just to show how really helpless you are in this situation. It becomes a constant swirl, a cake batter that gets thicker and thicker and swirls in the same unending circles.
Mom should be on her own with all this now, in my humble opinion. I would stop enabling it. I surely would try to keep somewhat an eye peeled who calls every two to three days, and report to APS when needed, but I would back away.
I say this not just for YOUR good, but ultimately for your Mom's. I think you can do nothing but keep repeating this endless story until there's a tome larger than War and Peace.
I sure wish you luck and I sure appreciate that you update us and keep us informed. I would love to see you released from this stew.
You take care.
That's an interesting question. I don't know for certain; my mother is certainly plenty capable of being stubborn of her own volition, but, I never considered if she might have another voice in her ear about such things. If she does - what a shame, that someone would cajole her to decisions at her own peril!
"I'm kind of surprised she's lasted a week at the motel. Are you?"
Not really - only because I did not see any quick solution in sight (not that there aren't quick options, just that her process of coming to terms with those decisions I not going to be expeditious). I do wonder if maybe the motel is a lingering "pity party" attempt to wind her way back to my house, but ... I haven't wavered. So, if she wants to "cut off her nose to spite her face" by staying in a motel week after week, that's her choice.
One of the more telling ironies is, in examining one of the lovelier assisted living facilities, they actually broke their price down by day. You would have thought I asked them to in advance, it was so prophetic. Their price per day is $140 - which includes all meals, transportation services, supportive care if you need it - even happy hour!!! What is she paying for her motel, which offers nothing other than coffee in the lobby in the morning? $138 a day.
So, at the very least, she is not staying at the hotel because she "can't afford anything else"; the AL place even made it clear that they have no long-term contracts, and they do short-term stays all the time.
"her main mission at this point --is to keep one or both of you constantly engaged in argument with her"
You know, Alva, I think you are right. Some of her family members, I used to marvel at how they did not know how to engage with others apart from in an argument. I do think - whether consciously or not - this is a way that she keeps some form of control over us (in her mind, anyway), which she seems inclined to try to do. Ironic that we both end up avoiding her for this very reason.
I do remember that book being recommended - it is on my list!
Thank you for the kind wishes ... at this point, I'm just letting go until I hear otherwise. Feels a bit freeing to do, interestingly. I'm not losing sleep worrying if she is okay or not. Which in and of itself is a difference from when she was down the hall ...
Great news!
It's been two weeks since the unsafe discharge. Mom is still in the motel. Still not speaking to me or returning any of my texts. My brother reports that today, he is taking her to visit several "senior apartments" in the area of Orange County she likes.
Which to me is indicative of two things. One - my brother is going to go along with whatever she asks, versus being a voice of reason chiming in with me that she needs more than an independent apartment. Two - she is either knee-deep in her denial over her increasing limitations, or, steadfast in her commitment to her stubborn assertion that she is the victim of her "evil daughter" who kicked her out (or, maybe a combination of both).
So - I've just been keeping myself busy with other things. And I guess there's no reason not to start packing up her belongings here, since she has of course never given me the courtesy to advise any plans or expectations, let alone acknowledge she is taking up 3 rooms in my home with her items, not including all of the stuff she has stored in my garage.
Hope you all are enjoying the beginnings of summer!
So your brother is taking over her care, as he will be assisting her in getting a senior apartment (and then also handling the ensuing difficulties because she needs more help that that setting will provide).
I am not familiar with Orange County....how far away is that from your brother? Same county? And how far away from you?
Yes, definitely box up her belongings, as it appears she will definitely not be living with you again (hurray!).
You have successfully extricated yourself from your bad situation. Congratulations!
Living with YOU didn't work and you don't need to fuss about why. If she can make an apartment work, good job at getting her independence back, Erz!
This is part of her manipulation and her treatment of you is unacceptable. Right now she is punishing you for trying to help her, that's not what happens in a loving relationship.
Get everything packed and send your brother a text informing him of everything she has that needs to be moved into her new place. I would give him a deadline, like two weeks after she moves in or everything is going to the thrift store. Don't let her keep you chained by being her free storage unit.
Letting go doesn't mean you stop loving her, you just stop dancing to her manipulative tune.
I had thought that was the goal?
"I am not familiar with Orange County....how far away is that from your brother? Same county? And how far away from you?"
Where her motel is at the moment, my brother's current residence is pretty much right in between where she is and where I am. I am further south. My brother is fairly central. She is looking at moving even further north (we are not talking huge distances here - 45 minute drive or so, max). Ultimately, she will be far closer to my brother than to me. Unless, of course, he moves ...
"if she is living independently at the motel (with no propping by your brother) then a senior apartment with some ancillary supports like food delivery and a housekeeper may work for a while."
You know, you are absolutely right. I may not think it is the best idea, but, it isn't my decision. I fear the next medical catastrophe looming ... but, seems I am the only one who worries about that in this situation/with my family, so ... maybe I shouldn't.
"Letting go doesn't mean you stop loving her, you just stop dancing to her manipulative tune."
This should be tattooed on me somewhere. So simple, but so profound, and so astute to my situation. I have danced to her manipulative tune for so, so long ... it still feels a little foreign to be off that dance floor, but, in a good way.
"Erz, this is more and more sounding like a problem with YOU rather than with Mom."
Yeah - I guess in a way, I've been coming to this forum as a sort of "counseling". I haven't gone further than that, but, agree that I should; it is a matter of prioritizing the time right now, which I don't have an abundant supply of ... but, I know I need to.
Letting go is a process, right? I'll get there, I think. Just not 100% there yet. I really do love my mother, and want her to be happy; it gives me no joy to think of her living in an unsafe place by herself, at such high medical risks, and refusing to speak to me. I'd be fine with her being angry at me, knowing she was in a place that was safe for her and where she could enjoy the things she loves to do with her time. I fear her window of time is more limited than anyone else seems to recognize - and given that, also fear a dreaded phone call that something awful happened to her. But, even so, I know I can't control any of that ... working on letting that all go, every day.
My other counselor is my Peloton. I'm going to hit 600 miles this month, just to give you an idea!
:-)
"Erz, this is more and more sounding like a problem with YOU rather than with Mom."
You, Erz, replied:
"Yeah - I guess in a way, I've been coming to this forum as a sort of "counseling". I haven't gone further than that, but, agree that I should; it is a matter of prioritizing the time right now, which I don't have an abundant supply of ... but, I know I need to."
end
All of that is just fine, but know we are not psychologists. And we cannot assist and guide you in learning to let go of all this. It isn't always a really healthy thing to come to a group of ordinary folks (like us) where you may get sympathy, but also conflicting advice, and etc. It can hold you back. None of us are "qualified" to provide real help.
I still will continue, myself, to push a need for counseling.
Then she won't be your problem -- GOOD!!!
Since my last update ... mom rejected all the assisted living ideas she was presented. Went to look at "senior apartments" - which are just apartments with discounted rent; found them to all have waiting lists of a year or so.
A week ago, she had an "incident" where her blood pressure skyrocketed, she blacked out, and then when she came to, she threw up all over her motel room. Crawled to the bathroom. Tried to call my brother and my sister in law - neither of them answered. Of course she did not call me, as she knew I'd just call 911.
The only reason I know any of this is because her friend who has kept in touch with me told me.
Then, the real doozie ... this Saturday, she apparently went to visit a different assisted living facility - ironically, one that was a lot more expensive than the ones I had found. On her way out, she fell. Or more specifically, she rolled her ankle, as she was of course wearing the unsafe slip-on shoes that numerous people - including doctors and physical therapists - have explained to her are dangerous for her to wear.
Where was my brother? Away for the weekend. So, in a moment of desperation, a day later - when her foot was huge and blue, and she was in pain - she called and asked me to take her to urgent care for an x-ray. Which I did - and she broke not just one bone, but two, and crunched them pretty good.
Took her back to the motel, called my brother, finally got him to call back - he then offered to get her out of the motel and into his place.
So, I gave her a hug, said "good luck!", and left. And told my brother to keep me posted.
As of yesterday, she has left the motel and moved in with him. Which means, moved in with him and his wife, who are currently living in a room of her parents' house. Yes, in their 50s, living with their parents. And now they've got their mother in tow, who is unable to walk and waiting to see if she will need surgery.
My brother's father-in-law I'm sure when he married his eldest daughter off, in her 40s, was expecting her to be independent ... but instead, is now not only dependent upon him again, but has her husband and his mother dependent upon him, too.
No long-term housing arrangement in sight, of course - as the assisted living place she was at this weekend, where she fell (and of course didn't ask them for any help, either), she decided was "rubbish".
I will be packing her things this weekend and placing them into a storage cube.
Is it evil to say that I have gained so much validation this weekend, on so many complex and intricate levels? Truly priceless.
Your mother is going to need to hit some sort of bottom before she realizes she needs "help".
So, she IS fairly independent in the motel, except that she is non-compliant with safety measures (good shoes) and has unstable BP (needs to be seen by her pcp or cardio). I have BOTH of these issues. I'm 69, but I don't live alone.
It only took one fall for me to ditch my slip-ons for sneakers and my pcp has me on BP meds and monitoring.
Your mother is going to have to learn to call 911 and she is going to have to figure out what kevel of support she needs in housing. Clearly, no one else can do that for her. She needs to come to that realization herself.
And WHAT a doozy your update is! The part I can't get over is that your mother is now living with your brother and his wife in one room of her father's house. !!!!
I wonder how long it will be before your sil's father makes her move out? I can't imagine the tension in that house, and most especially the tension in that one bedroom with your brother, mother, and sil all together. Yikes!!!
She's been staying at my brother's in-laws house, with my brother and his wife, now for a few weeks. The in-laws have been on vacation in Europe the entire time. Well ... apparently, the in-laws are returning tomorrow ... so now, there appears to be a mad dash for my brother to find a place for my mother - who is also currently sporting a rather gigantic walking boot, due to the crushed bones in her foot from her recent fall (they deemed her ineligible for surgery, due to her multiple health issues - unsure her recovery prognosis in terms of walking ever again). Which leads me to believe the in-laws might not be aware she is there ...
The two options that were on the table for her to move to in the immediate term (because she refuses all reasonable assisted living options, of which there are many) are - (a) a lead she had on renting a room in a trailer park for seniors, thanks to the kindness of a friend of a friend, or, (b) moving into a guest house of another friend who lives about an hour away. Neither of these sounded like a good idea; Option A came off the table, when my mother was informed the "room was no longer available". I suspect they caught wind of what a liability my mother would be to have under their roof, and thought twice. So, now, it seems my brother is going to scramble to get her out of there and off to her friend's guest cottage ... after that, who knows what is next. I highly doubt her friend realizes how precarious my mother's health situation really is, as I'm certain my mother has insisted how she is "just fine" and needs no assistance of any kind (insert massive eyeroll).
My mother's broken foot has certainly made it a lot less stressful to pack up her room, as there is zero chance she will argue the idea that someone else would pack her upstairs room(s) for her, given she is categorically unable to manage stairs, even with assistance.
So, to your generous and kind-hearted applauding, I will allow myself to take a bow or two.
Hope you all are well!!!!!
And also how her living in the guesthouse goes!
I don't remember, but where are all of her things going to be sent/brought that you are packing up?
Yes, the motel ... the one that actually costs more than the assisted living place I thought was the best, when you factor things like food, meals, and other pleasantries. So ... she's not a victim of anything other than her own poor decision making. She has other choices she can easily make.
What happens next, after she's back in the motel? Not a clue.
At the very least, I am grateful my brother and his wife had a "front row seat" to get a little bit of a glimpse into what the past 6 months - year has been like for me.
As far as her things; I am going to bear the up-front expense. The up-front expense includes the boxes and storage containers I've obtained to pack up her belongings in an organized fashion, and ordering a storage cube to come here next weekend to move everything out and into the cube (most of the storage cube places I've talked to have the option to include labor for movers, which seems the option with the least amount of hassle). Probably $600 out of pocket for me when all is said and done. Once everything is in the cube, it will go back to the storage facility where the cubes are kept - which I think is somewhere in Santa Ana, here in Orange County. They charge a monthly fee - I may just pay the first month, which runs anywhere from $200 - $400 a month, depending upon size - but, I will be giving my mother the keys/information so that she can then decide what to do from there. She's had them here at my house for no charge for now over 3 years, so ... no guilt felt over here about that.
Is it perhaps unfair that I should be coming out of pocket upfront in this manner? Yes, I believe it could be argued that it is ... but, I honestly would rather incur the cost to get it handled, than try to open a dialogue with her to try to get her to agree to cover these upfront costs. Right or wrong, that's the path that gives me the least stress. And right now, I've made such monumental gains in my health - mental and physical - these past few months, that I'm prioritizing that way above my pocketbook, if that makes sense. I'm in a privileged enough position in life that I can make that choice.
My brother and a close friend are both coming here on Sunday morning to help with the packing. I've got all the boxes and containers already organized for that purpose. I am treating them to brunch and a movie after we are done.
I'll be coordinating with a storage cube company on Tuesday; once I have everything boxed up, I'll have a better idea what size container I will need. I may be optimistic to think they'd be able to come within the week, but, I'm hoping I can get there out here within at least 2 weeks, 3 at the most.
:-)
Consider having the storage place reach out to mom/brother to get her sign-off on the month to month rent. Otherwise, you will be on the hook.
Eventually the motel will call APS. Has your mom ever been evaluated for vascular dementia, post stroke?