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I've notice some bickering and hurt feelings on o few of the threads lately. I happen to be one of those who feel there is nothing wrong with disagreement or debate, as long as it doesn't resort to name calling or personal attacks.
It seems to me if all we hear from each other are validations of our own opinions then there is no point in even asking a question, it is hearing different points of view, even those we don't agree with, that allows us to learn from each other.

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I agree. I have a rather in-your-face style. Sometimes people need to hear that. I think my style is very well balanced by those who respond on the other end of the spectrum.

If all of our posts sound like, "Oh, you poor thing," we really aren't helping. Sympathy needs a counterpoint.

Meet Maggie Counterpoint.

Good post. We all need to be reminded that, disagreements aside, we're all on the same team.
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There are some hot button issues on AC that tend to cause bickering. They usually involve how much a person should sacrifice to keep a parent comfortable. I don't think there is any right or wrong here, because we all have different families and personalities. I really don't like to see someone attacked because they don't want to do everything for the parent. And I don't like to see someone attacked because they gave up a lot. I try to steer clear of those conversations now because I've read it all so many times and don't feel that there is a right or wrong as long as an elder is being taken care of. I appreciate so much the members who have been on both sides -- taking care of someone at home and in a NH. They tend to have a more balanced view of what goes into making care decisions.
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Maggie, I notice that you and I do that. You're more direct and I'm often a little syrupy. Funny that I rarely ever disagree with you, but I've always been the diplomat. When I read what you write, sometimes I cringe, then think "That's just Maggie." You probably cringe at some of the things I say, too, since we can be so opposite.
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Cwillie, excellent insight and suggestions on the disagreements. And I think you're very wise with a problem solving nature to address the issue as a separate post.

I suspect my posts don't seem very sympathetic because they're so pedantic, but that's what I became used to when working.

What I'm not sympathetic to are the same repeated issues from people over and over again, with no indication that any of the suggestions have been considered. I don't have a lot of tolerance for people who are simply seeking pity.
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I think some disagreements are better handled through private messages on one's board than in the public view of the thread. It is distracting and sometimes painful. I am sure I'm not alone in a few times having experienced more than a mere disagreement, but an outright attack. Those, I've reported instead furthering things by responding back. I have appreciated those times when attacked that others who know me well on this site take up for me.

You are so right. We are here to support one another and not hear to fight! Go outside the site if you want to fight.
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I know for myself I rather someone tell me upfront without any sugar coating or sprinkles what I need to hear, rather than what I want to hear.

Those postings that paint everyone with the same brush and doing so from their own experience.... not realizing that everyone has a different situation, different tolerance, and us caregivers are of different ages and health issues. But yet stand their ground saying if they could do it so could we.... not.

Someone who is a caregiver in their 40's have a different energy level than say others who are in their 60's. I know I was surprised how my energy level almost dropped in half as I had aged. Yikes, no one told me this would happen.

Thus, advise given to a 40 year old probably wouldn't work for someone who is 70 or 80.

And I feel the same as Garden Artist if I see someone who has been posting for over a year and hadn't taken any of our advice... I will go into a "why haven't you been listening to us" mode instead of a pat on the head mode.

I know when I first came onto the forum a writer said to me "you are too old to be a caregiver" and at first I was aghast, but later down the road by george she was so right :)
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I think another thing to bear in mind is that there's really a spectrum of posters here - those who've been in the trenches and have gained wisdom to share, those who are still in the trenches, those teetering between solid ground and less stable ground while trying to balance life altering decisions, and those who are stuck for whatever reasons in situations beyond their control, and who may be floundering and literally posting for cyber life preservers.

Some people are going to come here with more sensitivity than others, either because of what they've experienced or what they're experiencing now. And some of the latter are literally on the edge. It's not unreasonable or not understandable that they're going to be especially sensitive.
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That's one of the reasons I posted what I did on a thread recently about how at first I was offended about some who appeared to be too ready to place a parent in care when I first came here and then found out first hand I had much to learn and maybe needed to step back and read more and understand what this all mean which is a continual process.

I stand by the marketplace of ideas as essential to all parts of life no matter what our preferences. One thing about care giving, it doesn't care who you are, your skin color, nationality, politics, country or anything else people scream and holler about these days. Many of us feel the same kind of pain which is why I think this forum works so well most of the time.

These are important times and we should be able to debate, discuss, commiserate, encourage and love which sometimes may be a kick in the butt, but it can all still be done in love. We don't live in a monolithic world where we all must think the same way and we should and need to hear different opinions without resorting to it being personal and nasty. We need to think about things. If that had not been the case here, I wouldn't have come around to understanding and changing my thoughts on in home care and other care options as time goes on and I'm very thankful for this discourse.
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Excellent replies everyone! I tend to make snap judgment sometimes about an issue or a poster, but my usual inclination is to hold back and see what others have to say. Many times after reading what others have written I have been able to see things from a different perspective. I get irritated when people hear something they don't like and threaten to quit the forum, usually if they would just be willing to keep posting/reading they would see that things usually balance out.
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I do think that we need to be particularly sensitive to first-time posters. When we hit the computer, looking for support, we are often stressed and maybe hurting about what is going on. We can write something in a caring fashion or we can hit them like a brick. I know if I got a brick the first time I posted here, I would have never been back.
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Very true!
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I am sure I am one of the more....tell it like it is...posters. I kind of feel like everybody come on here to gather strength and encouragement in one way or another. I tend to be opinionated and a bit crusty and harsh. I am sorry if I have ever offended.

Each one of us have had unique situations. Each one of us needs support, or we would not bother to come on here. You all have helped me to let go of some bitterness and that horrible scared pain in the middle of my gut! Since I have been studying and reading the wealth of information here....I have stopped having panic attacks.....because I now know it is not all my fault! Thanks!
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Mincemeat, I've read all your posts on those that I do read (and incidentally thought of the fragrant smell of the wonderful blend of apples, raisins and cinnamon everytime I see your name!) and honestly never thought you were opinionated, crusty or harsh. I also thought you showed some good insights into the farm loan situation question on another post. Then I knew why you chose a rooster (that is a "he', isn't it?) for your avatar.
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Thanks Garden Artist,...my name is the reference of the feeling of having been put through an old fashioned grinder! And I have the old school rooster because I love all things vintage!
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Jessie makes a good point. Minutes after my first ever post some time ago, I was jumped on by someone. Not name calling, but I can't believe youre so stupid type thing. If you've been bouncing around on the forum for awhile it's easy to get a bit jaded by the same old questions with the obvious answers. Just take a breath and remember it's probably new to the situation and this site.

I like debate but it can be done with respect and without insult. There have been the occasional outrageous posters who should just be slapped, but few and far between. And I think we all need to grow a thick skin. We don't have to be hurt and weepy if someone disagrees.
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Probably SOMEONE new to the situation.....
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I DO wish newbies would take a little time to explore the site before posting sometimes, I lurked here for over a year before taking the plunge. And it's true that often our nerves are frayed when we post, this applies to both the questioners and those who answer. And sometimes a question just pushes our buttons because of our own life experiences and we jump all over someone.
I don't know where I'm going with this...anyway, apologies to anyone I may have offended.
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That's true Cwille. That is indeed a good point. Lots of questions can be answered by a quick tour of the site. I did the same thing. I was trying to figure out how to deal with Dads dementia and learned a lot before ever posting.
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I know I didn't spend much time exploring. I just jumped in b!#ching right off the bat. I was glad to be met by 'welcome, we know what you mean."
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I know I had some good ha ah moments from reading postings. And there are times when one of us here is able to see the forest for the trees.... it doesn't mean one has to be immersed in doing such caring but has either witnessed or read enough about it to give advice :)
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I first posted here when my impossible demented but no one in the family would admi it MIL was accusing my husband of elder abuse. I got told pretty quicly and firmly that i was behaving badly (i was; i was being a know it all arm chair quarterback) and what the crowd here told me opened my eyes.
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I have never been on a discussion site (cake decorating, diabetes, technical info) that did not include some disagreements. And even if the regular members get along well, there is always a newbie or trouble-maker who comes in makes personal attacks.

It is the natural of public forums.

I think overall AgingCare has a minimum of that kind of disruption.

In some cases there is no "right" answer. In other cases, a poster is just plain wrong. I see this mostly in regard to dementia. Somebody with no knowledge and little experience will say something that simply isn't true. When they get argumentative about it, that really gets my goat! I'm sure I was "wrong" is some of my early answers about loved ones who are narcissistic. I just plain didn't know about that disease.

As long as we all have the attitude that we learn from each other and we wish each other well, I'm not at all worried about the disagreements here. (People who don't have that attitude probably don't hang around long.)
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Cwillie, speaking to those who threaten to quit after hearing something they don't like, I don't think their intention here is to request information in the first place. I think it's more for validation, for support for their ideas, and possibly to justify a course of action in which they're already engaged.

When their positions aren't rubber stamped, they threaten to leave.

Unfortunately, that's probably not a good reflection of their problem solving abilities in the first place.

I do agree that exploring the site would be helpful, especially using the search function. I'm also a bit surprised that so many people find this forum but don't know how to use Google. (And I can't take credit for that observation; someone else wrote it privately so I give that person credit equally privately).

Another concept used regularly on other forums are the "sticky threads", identified with an icon or a specific color, which are locked into position at the top of each different subforum. Questions on Medicaid, VA qualification, getting paid for caregiving, etc. are ones which fall into this category. Sometimes there are a few very similar posts currently in discussion at one time. With the "stickies", the previous questions or one which summarizes the collective issues, are always available right up front.

Mincemeat, interesting that your screen name represents a grinder; I can understand your position. I still like the concept of the tempting smell of a mincemeat pie. Guess I'll think of pie every time I see your rooster!
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I always love a good debate.

Makes me feel better about always being right.

BaDump! :)
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I know that I roamed around here for the longest time reading and learning about the issues pertaining to my situation before I jumped in and was extremely surprised by the outpouring of support and caring of others, it was so overwhelming. Every day I find something that catches my interest,and I am able to file that away for future reference, especially the issues pertaining to crossing over from home to facility caregiving, as well as the legal and financial information which I didn't so much have to deal with in the prior care of my own parents who passed away 11 and 12 years ago, and my MIL, who also passed with ilnesses while in hospital. While this time around, these are the issues that I am extremely interested in, as caring is so very different with each individual case., well at least for me it is. Add in the family dynamics, the ever changing diagnosis the love and level of care and the relationship aspect and it all so overwhelming sometimes, it has been such an incredible place to come and hear others stories and perspectives. I appreciate hearing different insites with differ opinions on the same topics. Nobody knows exactly the right answer, but it sure helps to hear that someone else is or has gone through what you are currently going through. And Cwillie, I have learned so much from you, and appreciate how you can explain things, especially the legals, in a very clear cut and direct form.
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Windy, don't do it! Lol
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I sometimes think it occurs because some of the posts are very unclear! I got into a problem a few nights ago because I read the post one way.. and others read it another way, Punctuation,, my friends!! And run on sentences.. I am not the grammer police but it can be hard to find the main point some times. I am willing to admit I made a mistake..
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I just wish we could be more profane on here. I have trouble expressing my self with out some tasteful profanity. And I hate "Oh Fudge" and "gee whiz"
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I've wondered about that, but have deferred in consideration of others, plus folks when I'm in touch with raw anger, what I say and how I say it is too toxic to share with anyone but my therapist and then he helps me with it.

I've read the rules on that here, but like I say, I differ to trying to have good manners. I made the mistake once of sharing with a very close friend some rather raw feelings of pain (not using tasteful or untasteful profanity at all). I thought it was safe to vent that to them for we had been such close friends since high school. But, it only triggered some painful memories about a sibling who had various problems and a tragic ending. I was asked to not share something that intense like that again for it shook them up so much that they could not get it off of their mind for the entire day while at work. Thus, I don't want to trigger anyone, but that's me from my own experience, BTW, we are still friends.
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I was kidding about the profanity......maybe.........a little bit. I spent about 103 years working construction. This forum is good for me. I've had to completly redo my vocabulary.
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