My wonderful partner is caring for his terminal elderly uncle, alongside his uncle's wife and son. Other relatives are also involved in caring for uncle's needs as he wants to be at home.
It was over six months ago that they got the diagnosis and almost straight away around the clock care started for uncle.
We go days without seeing each other, or even speaking, because my partner stays there totally involved in it all.
I am struggling to understand his dedication to someone he wasn't very close to. I was supportive (I still am but I'm so shut out of his life I'm starting to fall apart) but it's been so long, and even when he's gone my partner thinks he'll stay there with aunty to keep her company.
His cousin lives in the cottage next door so is always there and does most of the personal care and medications.
How do I support my partner while I'm feeling so neglected? How do I put my feelings aside so I can be the for him? Is it normal to feel so hurt that he's so totally engrossed with his family?
And yes, I do feel totally selfish asking these questions. I'm trying to find ways to cope with the loneliness of not being around my partner for so long. We see each other every three or four days for lunch, or a quick hug in passing, or a quick phone call. And I miss him so much and feel so selfish that I need him when I'm not the person who's dying.
It was guilt, in his case, pure and simple. He had neglected his own father when he was dying by just ignoring the situation and letting me do all the caring--and his dad passed, and DH fell apart. He was not ready.
Perhaps your partner is feeling similar anxiety? If my DH had given the care to his own father, I doubt he would have made more than a couple of visits to uncle (who BTW, was totally "gone" mentally and didn't recognize anyone when he was moved to the NH. This was all my DH's way to atone for not being around when his dad was dying.
You say he is an all or nothing kind of guy? Well, this shows that he is. That could be YOU he's caring for---I know when/if I get "to the end" my DH will not do a single thing towards my care. He is just not made that way.
At some point you will have to talk to him about this. Your relationship is not 'new and fresh'-- I'd cut him some slack.
Good Luck.
He is a very all or nothing kind of person. It's comforting to read that I'm not pure selfish that I miss him so much. My pop died from the same thing in August, days after we found out, so I didn't realise how differently it would affect his uncle who has been bedridden for so long.
We don't share the same doctor and I don't know how to put it to him but I will consider your words and maybe I'll find a way to have this discussion.
There is something very off in this picture. Lots of red flags, I'm afraid.
Do you ever have enough time together for serious talks about your future?