Advice on how to deal with live-in mother?

I do believe that this is one of the most difficult things I have had to endure and there have been many. I was thinking today the reason it is so hard to endure is because there is no benefit to me. I don't mean it in a selfish way. There is no payoff, barely if any good feelings, only goodness is what I myself, feel when I walk the hall at night knowing my parents have been taking care of well and are as peaceful as they can be. I do feel that I take the best care of my parents. But, it plays havoc with my life, my emotions, my spirits, physically, financially...every avenue of my life. And, what is that worth to me? Today was a difficult day. I find myself wanting to be free. I never have been. Why me, I ask myself. Why did I volunteer to do it. Because I know I can do it best? That mom and dad would be most well taken care of and be most comfortable with me? So, what? What about me? My life, my feelings etc. I don't see my brother's or sister's life affected like mine. Why have I felt I should do it? There is nothing in it for me..and it affects my husband and daughter too. AT least when you raise your kids there are benefits of the heart etc...but this? I feel it is the most thankless job ever. The only benefit is spiritual I think. Knowing that you helped another human being at the time they need it most. But what is that worth when you have to give so much of yourself, have so little, and feel resentful sometimes and can barely do it another day...or face it another day. You don't want to think of them dying...yet when do you live. Living like this is really something else. I don't know how to think about this or how to feel sometimes. Tonight is one of those times.

Cindi, you said that so eloquently that you have me crying. You just said everything I feel in my heart. I do not think I can do this another day, and I'm not joking. If only I could find a way to tell them, I just don't want to do this anymore! I don't know if this addition will help the way I feel, but I don't know. I still don't know if I am doing the right thing. Give me some input girls. Do you think them having their own space and my mom having some housework to do will get them off my back somewhat or am I just asking for more trouble? Luv, Marylynne

Marylynne, I hope it helps. It is worth a try. How soon will the addition be completed? Perhaps, if you spoke to your parents when you and they are more calm..or set up a time to talk. They need to know if you really can't do it anymore the way things are. That you are hoping the addition is going to be the key otherwise other arrangements will need to be made cause you are getting sick. Emotionally and physically, spiritually sick. Can hired help be brought in to care for their needs at all? Like when they have their separate space? Or, even now? Marylynne, you need to get out for at least a few hours. I HAVE to get out at least once a week or I will go crazy. I even sneak in time when hubby is home and I can sneak out and do a few things. Or, when they are home and I have to run out to the store for a bit. I am getting concerned about you, Marylynne. Can hear that you just can't take it anymore, not another minute. I am really hoping separate spaces will work out. You did take care of them from a distance before. Maybe you just can't have her living in your space. Or at least not all the time.
Thank you for the compliment, Marylynne about my speaking your feelings as well.
Drove Mom and Dad to her neurosurgeoun appt 90 minutes away. Made dinner before I took her. Was smarter made the appt in the am so we didn't have to wait 3-4 hours. Afterwards went to a liquor store bought her lotto, then out to the asian market place for lunch and shopping. Parents treated me to lunch.
Back home...Mom is making some asian dishes vegetable ones..and I am here sorting out the bills for husband to pay tonight and reading what you all wrote and reading the aging.com newsletter. Need to go serve dinner to family. Then husband said it was okay to go get some tea with my friend, Diane. Parents will be fed before I go so not much more to do except he will give my dad his bedtime pills.

Cindi, the addition will not be finished till July. Today, I have a slightly new problem, need your advice on. First off took mom to look for a few new things for her new addition. Thought that would get her excited about having her own place. She is pretty healthy, except for back problems and mostly mental ailments, alot of mental ailments. Always is dying with something. I handed her something to look at in the store and she pulled something in her shoulder, so now she is babying that arm and can't do nothing for herself or my dad. Even had to pull up her panties to go to the bathroom. Anyway, I still have the flu and when I got up to check on my dad, I found him masturbating. He wheels himself behind a sofa that I have in his garage apartment to use the urinal, so he was doing it behind the sofa. This is not the first time it has happened. It happened once before when we first moved here and I told my Mom that if he needs to do that, it either has to be done in private or not at all. I have a 12 year old daughter that could walk in on that at any time. His mind is all there, I don't know what he is thinking. I know its nature, but come on. No daughter wants to see or hear that. My mom got real ugly the first time and told me, "I suppose your husband is a virgin, and he has never done that". I told her, I really don't know. Today, I told her what happened and I told her under no circumstances is he to do that or he will have to go in a nursing home. She went and told him. How should I handle this one. I told her that when he has his own space he can do it all he wants. They have been in separate bedrooms, since my dad had a stroke, so there is nothing going on between them. As far as help, I do have a sitter that comes in for special occasions and do get to go out on Friday and Saturday night for a bite to eat with my husband as long as I'm not gone too long. Unfortunately, my 12 year old usually stays behind with a friend, just to keep an eye on things. LUV, Marylynne

Marylynne, you were so right to tell your mom about your Dad. Once they have their own space things will be better. You probably will just have to make it known when you are not there and have emergency numbers posted. Change is a hard thing for people to like at first because they are in their comfort zone. When they get into that space they will adapt to the change and find it not such a big deal. You will be OK. My mother would love to be out of here so she says but she feels obligated because of my Dad.
I had a crappy day yesterday. While I was out to the grocery store I thought about just driving my car into something and maybe that would be the end of me . I don't want to do this anymore I'm tired of not cooking the right thing for Dad I have 5 others to cook for. Meals are always a problem. Didn't even want to deal with him yesterday tried ingnoring him. Didn't want to offer him lunch.
Heated up the soup he had the day before that he complained the beans were to hard, and he asked me what kind of soup it was minestrone he liked it today GO FIGURE he didn't even remember he had had it the day before. Made him a big pot of CHICKEN SOUP his own personal pot he can eat it til the cows come home. Made spagetti for the rest of us.
He lays in his room and moans and groans I wish the doctor could see what I have to go through everyday. But no when they go to the dr. they don't act that way they just want to talk to the dr. and take up all his time. I have to stop my dad from talking about frivales things and tell him what you are really hear for. AGHHHHHHHHHHHH I thought about you girls all day.
He even tried to get my oldest to drive him to the medical supply place to get the cane he thinks he can use, because I am waiting to see if they recommend that one when we start therapy I won't buy it for him. My son told him "grandpa you can't get in my car."
Today I have to get stuff for pasta salad that my husband has to bring to work tomorrow. I am just not motivated today. Hope you all have a great day I'm going to try oxxox Judy

Judy, you know that comment about driving your car into something. That about that one also. Thanks for your loving comments. Today, I still have the flu and Mom needs to go to the hospital for pulling her shoulder out of wack. Asked the sitter that I have for special occasions, if she could take her and I'll stay at bay with my dad. Hope you have a better day also,

Marylynne

Marylynne:
Just got in a bit ago. Hard situation with your dad. I mean it is hard on all of you including dad. Does he have anywhere private that he can do that? Evidently he still has sexual release needs. Can he lock the door when he does it behind the sofa? You mentioned he uses the urinal behind the sofa maybe that is why he masterbates there too. Thinking that is the private place. Could you ask daughter not to go into the room without knocking and asking permission to enter that room where your dad is? Until you addition is finished you all are in eachother spaces that is hard on everyone. How far is the addition away from rest of family? Is it inclusive having kitchen, bathroom, bedroom etc so it's like their own apartment? I hope you get better soon. You have had the flu for awhile and that makes it hard to take care of anyone else. Hope your mom's shoulder is not too bad and getting better. Perhaps you should talk to dad yourself about the situation. I had my day away today. Got a much needed haircut and color, saw the movie Penelope it was cute. Got to have dinner with a friend that I haven't seen in 7 months. It was a nice day. Earlier I ran around like a chicken vacuuming, mopping, cleaning their bathroom, taking care of them, cooking dinner cause I wasn't gonna be home. I long for time soon when I won't have to do anything...like going away on a vacation. But, for now this is good. Planning on going out more the next week things have come up. Concerned about the money to pay caregiver etc though. Tomorrow is excercise I go to Curves with a friend 3 days a week to release stress and tension. Haven't been going lately. Physical Therapy for Mother tomorrow. Will bring dad with me while we wait for over an hour for her. Think I'll bring in dinner tomorrow.
Judy, I hope you feel better tomorrow. Sorry, you had a crappy day. I had one of those the other day. Your father probably just wanted to complain about the soup. Good of you to make a whole pot of chicken soup just for him..what a nice daughter. I also have thought recently about hurting myself while driving in my car. I guess those are our down days. We must try not to think that way...but sometimes....Good night...

Hello girls, I have to keep reminding myself that my Dad is 94 I guess we still think of them as strong like they used to be and I guess we can be in denial of whats happening too even though we have to deal with it everyday.
After days of explaining the cane and therapy situation to him and again this morning he finally said "well why didn't you say so" I wanted to slap him. He thought I was being mean. Oh Well, just another day in the CRAZY house. LOL OXOXOX judy
Marylynne, hope you are feeling better today.

Hey, girls yesterday was one of the worst days of my life. Mom had to go to hospital, because of her shoulder. She's always dying. Just pulled a nerve. Now she can't do anything. Well when she got home she started a big fight with me about not taking care of myself and going to the doctor. The reason I don't want to go to the doctor is because I am always at the doctor with them. I kinda enjoy being sick, I have an excuse to lay around. Well anyway I told her that I can't do this anymore by myself. I don't have the strength. I told her I have been helping for 20 years and has finally got to me. Her remembrance of what I have done in the past is no where near what I really did for them. She as much as told me that I did nothing and she did everything. HOw can she do everything, when she don't even drive. Half of caretaking is the driving them everywhere, going to the pharmacy and so on and so on... I use to sleep by her house everytime either one of them was sick and this was countless number of times. She says she can only remember two times that I did that and because I did it with resentment that it didn't count. I did it with resentment, because I had to leave my family who was begging me not to go. But I DID GO!!! I told her I don't think this addition is going to work one way or the other. She said that I have a big enough house to include them in it. I said Mom the idea is separation for my nerves. She doesn't understand that. I told her I have told you this too many times for you to keep making me feel guilty about it and if you were a true mother you would be worried about my feelings too. Who wouldn't want their own space? The truth is she don't want to be with my dad by herself, not even for a minute. He aggravates her. I feel like I can't go any more. There is no solution to this problem without totally never seeing them again. I told them I was going to pack a bag and leave for a week to get myself together. She said go ahead leave leave two cripples by themselves. She said I'm nothing but a bitch and that I have changed. She said that she thought our mother and daughter relationship would never come to this. I have tried to please her all my life and just can't bring myself to look at her. I actually hate who she is now that she lives with me. Sorry, But this was one of the worse days of my life...Still crying over it. LUv, Marylynne

Hi Marylynne, Donna, Judy,SJohnson
Hope you all are hanging in there and doing okay. Marylynne, I read your posting earlier this evening and have been thinking about you. There are so many things I want to say that I don't even know where to begin. Our mothers are similar. It took me ten years of counseling off and on and 3 separation of time from my mother to be where I am today which is healthier and stronger yet still struggling. It is better then before but it is very difficult. I see so much of myself, and my sister in you. I see so much of my mother in your mother. I do feel I can empathize with you. I actually reread all your postings here to get a better sense of you and your mother because I felt badly about what you last wrote. I wanted to try and help. This is what I am sensing. Your mother is emeshed with you. It's like you both are spaghetti in a bowl together. Don't know where your mother ends and you begin and vice versa. You are a comfort to her. She doesn't want to give you space you might go away. She thinks she needs you by her near her or she might not be able to survive well. She is emotionally needy. She probably never had her own emotional needs met from her mother. She was probably too busy giving to her mother (who knows) or else her mother wasn't there for her did not nurture her the way she needed so now she seeks it from you. She will never admit to you how much she feels she needs you. That would give you too much power. Controlling people want the power. That is why she never tells you or gives you credit for all you do and have done. That would make her obligated to you and defer her power. She discredits what you do so she will feel she is in control of you. The more she tells you that you don't hardly do or have done anything the more you will do to try to prove to her that she is wrong. She takes advantage of your kind hearted goodness and your personality. Somewhere along the line our mother's must have ingrained in us that we are suppose to take care of them. That if we took care of them then we would be good loving daughters. You mentioned how she said she took care of her mother for 34 years (and how she didn't do nearly as much as you.) My mother use to tell me that if she could of she would have taken care of her mother. She couldn't cause she was sold away. So, of course I grew up thinking I better take care of my mother. In the beginning you showed your love and devotion and went overboard thinking it was a good thing. You slept on hospital floors pregnant, When they were sick you would be close to them so you could help. You balance your kids, husband and your parents all through the years putting parents way up there on the list. It was like an obsession to be the good, loving, giving sweet daughter always there for the parents. Your mother is good at guilt giving and manipulation. She would use it on you and still does to get what she wants or needs or things she deserves. She feels entitled. You are suppose to take care of her and dad and they should be above all else especially above yourself. You must be selfless. You have let her do this or make you feel this way. You felt bad earlier on knowing that your mom suffered two nervous breakdowns and was mentally and emotionally challenged especially since it had to do with having the breakdown due to having children. Was one of the nervous breakdowns after you were born? Do you feel responsible? So, you felt badly for her and you took care of her...and took care of her and took care of her til now you have nothing left. You gave and she gladly took until you got resentful and didn't want to give as much but she made you feel guilty if you didn't. As far as your father you felt responsible for him too. You loved your parents so you were gonna take care of them. Whatever they needed you would be there. As you said you were in it til the end. What does that mean anyway? It is normal to want to help your parents. It is not normal or healthy to help your parents all these years and especially now when it costs you dearly....costs you your physical health, your emotional health etc. I know in this situation it is going to be a sacrifice for you and for all but, when is it okay cost and when is it overboard cost? You have given over yourself, only you can change this. Now you are so burnt out that anything you do is too much. Your mother not being the kind to compliment or appreciate, the kind that complains and criticizes makes it worse. You question why do you go on yet you question how can you stop. You referenced how the only way is to cut off the relationship totally. What if you let your mom decide that. What if you put the cards on the table, nicely and see what your mother does. I learned that in this and many situations I can only control myself. I cannot control my mother. But I can control myself, decide myself, do it myself. She might not like it..she might not change, she might not want anything to do with me. But, at least I am being true to myself and trying to take care of myself, try to be healthy...and be able to be there for them at the same time. Does that make any sense? You are not being a bad person by telling your mother what you need. What you can or cannot take. How things cannot continue like they have been or otherwise you are not going to be okay...that you are not okay and if you are not okay you can't help anyone cause you won't even be able to help yourself..no good to yourself..no good to anyone. She is an unhappy person. Your father is of no use to her and hasn't been for some time. I sense she would feel guilty putting him in a nursing home and that is why she hasn't done it. She would rather him die so she wouldn't have to feel guilty. She is not happy so she wants to be with you. She is an emotional drain to you. She won't tell you but you are her everything..and that is not healthy for her and especially for you. You are right you should have set boundaries a long time ago. You have spoiled her and your dad most likely. But it is never too late. It is just gonna shake everything up for sure. I hope you find a way to take care of you and be there for parents in the way that you can. Not letting her guilt you anymore. You know what you do. So does she deep down. She is scared. She has leaned on you emotionally all these years and that is not YOUR responsibility. She has committed what I call emotional incest. She didn't know it....didn't mean to do it.. but she did and has and does. She only things about herself. Narcissistic. You told her if she were any kind of mother she wouldn't do these things to you. Well, the roles are reversed. You are like her mother...you have taken over the emotional nurturing of your mother which is not your job...it is her job...and it was her mother's job to meet normal emotional needs. If her needs weren't met it is up to her to get them met herself...not have you handle everything for her so life is easier for her and she doesn't get frazzled etc. While you find yourself dying a bit each day, taking valium want to crash..wanting to drink wanting to not come home, wanting her to die and have it all end. Yet not knowing if you would be okay even if she passed away. All we know is chaos, negativity..etc. What the heck would we do without it?! I say enough is enough is enough. Put dad in respite care of a week, hire someone to stay with mom (according to her needs and what is affordable, tell the caregiver not to contact you unless it is a life emergency...and go to Disneyworld. Tell mother that you need a break time away with your kids, hubby etc...and time away from the responsibilities of caregiver. Nothing to fight about. That is what you need that is what you are going to do...you will leave someone to care for her...(would not have your brothers do it they are undependable)...Take back your power...your own god given right power over your self. She said you have changed...well yes you have...after 20 years and especially the last two years..you are on the brink of a breakdown yourself..and you need to do what you need to do to take care of you...you will try to incorporate that with taking care of them and your family too..so things are about to change around there...you need to be okay. And if that means you go to disneyworld, dad goes to respite and mom has a caregiver for a week so be it. If that means house addition..so be it...I hope I have helped.. I apologize in advance for sounding preachy I just don't know how to say it without just saying it. God Bless you Marylynne..and your mother, father, husband and kids...

hi girls, i am so tired and havent even felt like getting on and reading your posts for the last couple of days. Thursday, the appt at the urologist like to have done me in. her appt was at 1245, and at her insistence on me leaving early, we got there at 1215, so there was an automatic 30 minute wait. Then, we sat there until 145, before they called her back to the little cubicle, then we sat there another 30 minutes waiting for the doc, who then ordered lab work, and a sterile urine sample which meant catherterization. had to go to another place for the lab work. went back to the docs office for him to tell her what to do next. now we have to go back next Thursday for a cystoscopy and catscan. They sent the barium with us and she is already telling me that she is not going to be able to drink it. whatever. i cant make her. it is up to her. then yesterday, her appt for her hair, my sons meds had to be picked up. i took son in the morning, her in the afternoon. sat and waited for hours for her to get done. had to have a perm, now she tells me that it looks awful, the girl didnt do it right. whatever. i cant do anything about that either. Now, today, i have to deal with this damned birthday party. have to go pick up the cake, go to the place where it is being held and make coffee and tea. set up tables and chairs. hopefully my son will help me. i have lasagna that i was up til 11 o clock last night putting together to put in oven and a big salad made. older son just called, says he will be here in 2 hours. with my grandson and granddaughter and her baby. i am too exhausted for all this company. Now my older son says that i am too old to be dating and he thinks that he will have a talk with my friend. I am in prison. I can make no decisions about my own life without their input it doesnt seem. in the meantime, mama is going around the house griping about it isnt clean enough, and that my other son has company and they need to leave and it goes on and on. wish me luck for this weekend, i will need it luv you girls

Dear Cindi, You are not too preachy. You must be very intellectual, the way you speak. The last thing you wrote was so beautiful, I read it to all my friends, because that is how I feel. You have hit the nail right on the head. Everything you said is correct. When I went to bed the other night, I told my husband I wanted to stop the addition. He said NO!, You are never going to stop taking care of them, so set your boundaries now and take care of them in their own place. Their addition will be attached to my home by a set of french doors that will lead into a den, kitchen, laundry area, 2 bedrooms and accessible bath. It is made perfect for them. I just hope I can handle making my demands clear. I'm such a wimp. Before I use to say things differently, so I wouldn't hurt her feelings, but now, I just lay it on the line. I so thank you for your help and understanding and that you took the time to read all of my comments. It means the world to me. LUV, Marylynne

Hey girls, Marylynne I hope you are feeling better, I think that you need to write down some of the things that you would like to change and really see what your mom can do that you are doing for her. Sometimes we just have to sit back and think. I usually do not worry about my mom's feelings because I am an adult and she is usually wrong anyways.
My mom was one who depended in my Dad to make all the decisions, so simple things are hard for her to figure out. She can be smart if she wants to but it has become so easy for her to leave things up to me. Instead of our mom's having the time to figure out what they were going to do when the husbands got sick we stepped in and all seemed well they didn't have to deal with what the needs of their husbands were. I hold alot of resentment toward my mom for letting herself get that way. You probably do to. So make a list I'm pretty sure that if you come up with some things that she can still be in control of she will lighten up and tell her that she'll be helping you feel better. Take care sweety thinking of you, Judy

Cindi, can tell you paid attention in your counceling sessions lol I wish we all lived closer to each other we could have a girl's night out we deserve that much. oxoxo Judy

Donna, hope the party was a success, sounds like you need to lay down the law too sorry you had such a hectic day hope tomorrows better. oxoxo Judy

Hi Donna, gosh girl I feel for you! You deserve and need time away! Too much going on...and too many people! Yes, I have had doctor appts where I have had to wait for hours. We probably all have, and it's the pits. I hope the party goes or went well. I can't remember what day it was probably today. I imagine you will be exhausted hope you had some help. Happy Birthday to your Mother. Would be nice if she appreciates all your hard work and devotion to her. She waited a long time to seek medical care for her urinary problem. It was a lot for her to go through at the urologist. Hard work for you. What would your mother, family do if you just weren't there one day? Hope you get some rest.

Marylynne, you are welcome for anything or anyway I might have helped. I hate to see you suffer sometimes it helps clarify things hearing it from another who has gone and still goes through it. I don't consider myself an intellectual. I do thank you for the compliment though...(smiles). As Judy, said I paid attention to the counseling sessions! Many of the words I used are words I learned from all that.
To my other caregiving friends here...Judy, Donna, hope your weekend is going as well as it can. I hired the caregiver today and went out with my husband. Trying to balance time with everyone. We went to see a movie "Married Life." Interesting a bit slow in areas. I usually go to movies to unwind..etc. We went out to lunch (Macaroni Grill). My friend's daughter served us, it was nice. Then went to girlfriend's house and visited with all of them for a short while. Then, back home to rush and make dinner. Pork chops and cauliflower. I told husband I wish we could stay out longer. I also wished I didn't have the responsibility to my parents that I now have. But wishes are just that...wishes. If only wishes came true by wishing them. Husband and I took mom out real early to the harbor so she could get fresh seafood. Then over to farmers market. She likes that. It kept her busy all day. The more even keeled I keep her the less the beast comes out. Told husband there is a method to my madness! She later complained that my fry pans all have teflon coming off and it is unhealthy and what kind of a nurse am I? I use to work as an LVN...many moons ago. Only use my nursing knowledge on my parents now...lucky them huh? I was so tired my response was...I am a nothing nurse. She has nothing to say to that. Complaints critisms...many time I tell her I am doing the best I can with what I have. That is all I can do. Been real tired all day. Husband too. Maybe my allergies are running me down. Night girls...hope you all have a good Sunday and hope the parents are better.

Hi Ladies
Hard am for me already. Blew a fuse at husband but was all about being overwhelmed. Stepped on dogs foot tried not to knocked over dad's milk, oj, water all over his tray and then I lost it. Didn't want to do the dang breakfast anyways. Don't feel like taking care of anyone. Told husband to let the dog out and had to deep breathe so as not to break something or do something. Was so angry and upset with my life situation it was all I could do to contain myself. Told husband I am going to have to get away today. Only do and care for my dad some for my mom but as little as possible. No extra here from me today. Husband said yeah, don't help anyone. I said well I have to. He said no...you don't have to. I hate when he does that. He is referring mostly to my mother who is capable of taking more care of herself then she does. I am also guilty of taking care of husband though too. So right now I am having breakfast in front of this computer as I write you all and told him he will need to make his own breakfast today. Every man for himself except Dad. Asked him if it would be okay to leave parents with him...he said yes after he does his errands. He actually wants me to go with him. Don't know whether to leave dad home with mom while we are gone. Sometimes I do but only for short amounts of time. She told me before that she does not want to take care of my father. If it were up to her he would still be in the nursing home. He was in one for 6 months after his hospitalization. I had to wait for my knee replacement surgery and rehab before I could take him out of there. She didn't really want me to take him out. It will be two years with me in June for him. Don't like it when my harmony is broken in the morning sets the tone for the whole day. Gloomy here as well...weather wise. Well, I wish you all well with a smoother Sunday then mine has been so far.

hi everyone,
Cindi, go with your hubby to do the errands. your mom may not want to, but it is in all reality, her place to take care of your dad, after all, she vowed to stand by him for better or worse, thru sickness and health. She sounds like a very selfish lady. Quit catering to her whims. And tell her you are going to. sometimes it is easier to do that than to simmer inside til you blow a fuse. And by the same token, you vowed to take care of your hubby, quit putting him and the kids on the back burner for this ungrateful brat. She is just manipulating you to see how far she can push you. i know, mom does me the same way.
The birthday party is over, thank heavens. i am trying to catch up on my rest today before another week of running to docs etc. I have decided that i will leave her here more, as there is no reason for me to sit and watch her watch soap operas on tv. The only fear i have is that she will fall, and that would look very bad for me. but she wont listen. we have steep steps on the back porch, and she insists on going down them, sans walker, just because i told her not to. all these old women are the same. mean ungrateful old witches. Hope you all do ok today. hope i dont lose it with my mom too.......and by the way, people brought her a rose bush, 40 canna bulbs, 20 daylily bulbs, sooooooooo, guess who is obligated to put this crap out???????? i can hardly wait. luv, donna

Hey Girls, Cindi, Judy and Donna, I feel better just knowing that ya'll are there. Donna, I'm glad your party went well and you're right all of our mothers are witches. Unfortunately, My mother is most like Cindi's, she can do for herself and my dad, but mentally unstable. We went to my mom's brother's 85 birthday last night. My 12 year old stayed home and made sure Dad didn't need anything. While we were there, she had no shoulder ache and no back ache, but as soon as we got home, it started all over again. AH Ha! Cindi, You and I are most alike I think. Having both parents in almost the same condition. Dad being really nursing home material and Mom being mental. I had my dad in a nursing home once for a month, while I was taking care of my mom in the hospital. It was actually harder, he was calling all the time to tell me he had nothing to eat, or got the wrong meds. Wound up going there 2 times a day. Took him out real quick, which I'm sure thats what he wanted me to do. I and my mom both agree that the next sickness he gets will put him in one for good. I think she will never do it. Judy, Your advice about the list is a good idea. I just keep waking up so depressed that I vomit. Think I will call a psychiatrist tomorrow and make an appointment. I think I'm so bad off that I might have to go to the crazy farm. I WANT TO BE FREE!! Don't Ya'll. I want to be able to go somewhere without calling and checking on them or having to rush home. I want to wake up and be in my own house without having to hear the bathroom habits of two old people. Did you go today? How was it? I have stomach ache!, I have back Ache!. Listen to this one. My dad is wheelchair bound and asked me today to get him a treadmill or a workout bicycle. I said Dad, You can barely transfer into your wheelchair, How will you walk on a treadmill? He said I can. Why can't they see what they can't do. He still thinks he can drive. I think out of all of you, I'm the closest to a breakdown. If you don't hear from me for some reason, You know I went to the CRAZY Farm. I will go to bed tonite and say a special NOVENA for all of us for Peace, and for our mother's to have a complete change in personality.... to be nice. Love You All Girls and you too Sjohnson9, if it weren't for you, I wouldn't have found my girls. Marylynne

Hi Everyone...
Donna, ran the errands with husband. Had dad all ready to go with us then mom said where is your dad going. I said remember I told you I had a lot of places to go so I am taking dad with me so you don't say I am leaving him with you. She said no, leave him home it's okay. I asked dad do you want to go with me or stay home of course he said stay home so I left him. We were gone 3 hours we decided to have a quick bite to eat for lunch and brought them home a mini pizza for lunch. Was anxious that she might be upset for us being gone so long. As long as it is her idea that we leave dad she is more okay with it. My mother is on the selfish side. She did take a vow and she probably thinks that her even being around my dad still is a big deal. She has said when my dad passes she is going to go back to her country of origin. My sister and I do not have a relationship right now, but she use to say that is her (moms) husband it isn't our job. She should take care of him...thing is...she doesn't, and won't and now can't. Back problems and she forgets her own meds..but it isn't her type anyways. He is of no benefit to her anymore really so why should she?...(her thinking..plus she has a stupid enough daughter here willing to take care of him so she lets me take the burden). I am glad the party went well and is over for you. Hire a gardener to plant all her lovely plants she got and use her money for it. You did enough already, unless you like gardening. Hope she appreciate you even a small bit. If you mother is sane enough don't see why you can't leave me for a while especially for your sanity. She needs to listen about the walker etc. If not it is her choice.
Marylynne, prayer is great...good idea it has to help us even a small bit. I agree with you that it sounds like you have had just about all you can take. Might be a good idea to run it past a professional like a psychiatrist (good one) or couselor or both! Maybe, you just can't do this anymore...take care of them like this in your home. Perhaps, they need to be in assisted living. Can they afford that? You could still be there for them just in a different way. And, if they won't let you see them or do for them if they go into an assisted living...then that is really their choice and nothing to do with you. You must take care of you at all costs right now, you said yourself you are at the edge. I will also pray for you and for all of us. As far as your dad, I think sometimes they wish they could do things such as that but it is only wishing. They know deep down they can't.

good morning Marylynne, cindi, Judy.
Marylynne, it is urgent that you see some one to help you with the mental pressure that you are enduring. Please try to do so as quickly as at all possible. You owe it to yourself to keep your mind. Now more and more, i think of nursing homes. It would not make you a bad person. nor me, nor cindi, nor Judy. As i am some 20 years older than you girls, i am getting tireder and tireder each day, and i have a lot of living i want to do, before i become incapacitated. You girls need to enjoy your families while they are around. The day has just begun, so thus far, everything is great!!!! (of course that will change as soon as she gets out of bed.) wishing you all peace, and well being today. love you, donna

Hey Girls, Marylynnr have you made that list and if you go to a professional you can take the list with you that is something they would probably recommend.
Dad got up and shaved this morning thought his appt was today but it is tomorrow, big let dowmn for him. I can see within the last 2 months the dementia is setting in.
He asked me this morning how do ppl die in their sleep? I said the brain just tells the heart not to go anymore. He seemed disappointed that he couldn't do it on his own. He's complaining of back pain and at his age they won't do anything for the kidney stones.
Trying to plan the party for my son and mom says I can't wait til its over. She's not doing anything so what does she care. She tried to pick an arguement yesterday but noone would respond to her so it fizzled out. She hates the house we live in shotty builder. I've told her to put a sign out but I know she won't because she would have to give me half the money if we sold it. Well got to get into a shower and start the day glad the boys are back in school now I can get on this thing more. oxoxox Judy

After reading all of these comments, I saw a pattern, all you you need to let go of your concern for your "borderline" family menber's approval. When my mother pulls her manipulative tricks, I stop and think, I have the definition of BPD on my computer and then I simply do not respond to her. I do not return her manipulative bitter phone calls, she will go from sugary sweet (I have gifts up here at home for you) to vile venom calls, she also plays the mom who so very concerned about my well being, "please just let me know yu are alright etc." I have finally at the age of 52 seen through all her tricks and I am simply bored to death. I do not care if she thinks I am disrespectful etc. she can degrade me all she likes, just like all the abuse she has always thrown at me, I am bored with it, I am not playing her games anymore. I am 52, I am finishing up my college degree and I am moving on. I don't have time for her goofy games, nor do I care if she approves of me, she never did anyway. I only surround myself with positive people, she is not one of them. I do not return her phone calls anymore. When she gets terminally ill and dies I will be there, but not a minute before. She cries wolf too many times.
My advice, if to let go, realize you are dealing with a mental illness, not so much your loved one. Don't try to make sense of mental illness, it is what it is, and they will not change. Let go of the guilt and get on with your lives. I finally did after 52 years of abuse.
RL

Dear Roni Lake,
That is what I have found out, though maybe we are all right fighters but I have refused to answer to the smart remarks that my mother likes to dish out. Even though I may be blowing up inside, I'm not giving her what she wants a fight. I know when I'm right and I know what is the best for both of them in their ill position, besides deep down they know that they couldn't do things without our help.
Hey girls, hope your April fools day was happy, no jokes were pulled on me. Took Dad to the therapy Dr. and we are going to therapy 3 times a week in the morning. Here we go again. Friday two appts. one for him and one for her she's already complaining, I feel like telling her " you don't have to ever go again" She's already on my Dad's case too. hope to hear from you girls today. oxoxo Judy

Dear Roni Lake:

Don't get me wrong, everything you said is the god's honest truth, but.... You don't have your mother or both parents living with you. It is quite hard to ignore or not answer a person who is right on top of you at all times. I'm 46 years old and feel doomed to be doing this the rest of my life. Will take your advice though and try not responding to the bitter, manipulative tactics. I wish, I was back in the situation, where I could just ignore her phone calls or just not respond to her whatsoever.

Girls, Guess how many times I have been to the dentist with my Mother in two years. 46 times. They counted them at the office yesterday. I should have known making crowns for her was going to be a two year thing. They all think shes nuts over there and I am embarrassed to go in the office while she is there. I sit in the car for hours on end, every time I go. But remember, I DO NOT DO ANYTHING.
LOVE, MARYLYNNE

Roni, just read your posting. Yes, I have said my mother most likely has BPD (borderline personality disorder). It took me a year to decide to have my mother move in with us. It is a difficult position to be in when a parents needs your help yet they have emotional/mental problems and is in denial. At age 82 she is not going to change or admit to anything. I laid out all my cards before she moved in. If it doesn't work out here with her I told her it will be because of her. So, even though we have our issues/problems if I talk calmly to her they are usually resolved..at least so far. She has been with us going on 5 months and it has not been easy. But she did live with my brother and his family for 6 months and was asked to leave. Then she lived in an active senior living residence and was not happy. She is happiest here with me although she will never admit to it. I believe she knows that if she were to be unkind to me and continued she would be asked to leave. She has nowhere that she wants to go so..this is her best option. You have estranged yourself from your mother. That is easier actually. Much harder to be in a relationship when they are unhealthy like this. I have chosen to help her...but I will not continue if she is cruel to me. I also take care of my father who is 84 and has stage 5 altzheimers. My sister whom I am estranged from also has BPD. My counselor once told me that between my sister and my mother I will need counseling. Also, that she doesn't know how I don't go crazy. You don't have to tell me about BPD....Good Luck!

Hi Ladies, hope you all are doing okay. Marylynne, funny thing is I was just with my mother at dentist yesterday. She had to leave her bottom denture with him. Take her back on Friday. She had a hard time eating dinner last night. She chopped it up. Could of helped out but let her do it. Luckily it was softer food...Linguine with white clam sauce. Up early this am. Couldn't sleep lots on my mind, I guess. Thinking of making her some Chinese porridge so she can eat something. It is 5 am here will have to wait til 6 and go to market. No Appts today, yeah!!!! Porridge takes 5 hours so should be cooked for her lunch. Tomorrow another appt...Physical therapy for her back. Goes every week for pain management. Dad has seemed more out of it this week. Take care

Morning Girls, so far so good but it is only 10:00 am. Dad still complaining about not sleeping he has sleep apnia wich he more or less stops breathing for up to 45 seconds and when he catches his breath it wakes him up. He also gets a dry mouth because his mouth hangs open all the time, no teeth.
Have to be at the therapist tomorrow at 9:30am for dad and Doctor at 2pm for mom. Going to try to get to the hairdresser for myself and get cuts for the boys.
I wish my mom would go to the dentist her teeth are breaking off and her breath is bad but we can't get her to go. One of these days there is going to be so painful that it will be an emergency and I will be embarrassed to take her. She only goes to get her hair cut if I persuade her to go with me, she used to be good about her hair, perms all the time. The last 15 years have been rough and she will not take care of herself. I have told her I believe she is in a depression but she refuses to admit it, she wears the same clothes everyday, lacks sleep, won't take care of herself, not social on her own and naturally complains about everything and everyone. oxoxo Judy

Good Morning Judy, Donna, Marylynne and anyone else out there. Gloomy day here today. Rained a bit last night and pending for more. Today first day I have no appts!!! Tomorrow is another dentist appt for mom, then Physical therapy for her then rush her home so she can shower and go see the entertainment at Cypress Place where she use to live for 16 months. She goes there and visits some of the people she befriended and listen to music. Her favorite entertainer will be there tomorrow. So, full day for her tomorrow and for me as well. She is worried how she will be able to make it to her appt. She is very regimented and routine and has to put on her face before we go anywhere. Unlike me who has no time for makeup. Oh well. Mama has always be on the girlie frou frou side. Maybe, someday will be my turn.
Judy, your mom does sound depressed. It's hard on you when they are that way. Brings the energy and morale down. My mother and father have dentures. She needs her realigned or something...she has sores in her mouth where they are rubbing. Do any of you girls have to bathe your parents? I bathed Dad. I bathed him 3 times a week. I figure that is enough he doesn't do anything physical and will dry out his skin if I bathe him too often plus it's work! Glad you are getting out for your hair to be done today. And, of course you are having everyone else get theirs done too..cause you are efficient...you good little caregiver you...(smiling)...Well think I will be off and on here...kinda bored today seeing that I have been running all week. Have to go out and buy a baby birthday gift invited on Saturday to the party. Not sure when I will get out to buy it. Husband will stay with parents on Saturday while I go to the party. Getting a new garage door installed. Neighbor's son's friend crashed into ours when we went to San Jose to visit my daughter earlier. Taken a long time to get the door in...well good thing is that I get the roll up door I wanted...Enjoy the times in between everything and do something one thing that makes you happy.

Love to you all
Cindi

I am 80 this year and live with my daughter and her family, I do the gardening, washing, ironing, a lot of cleaning,cooking and baking, walking and caring for our three small dogs. I offer my advice if requested and make myself generally useful. I dont regard it my right to live here, but a pleasure and I deal with my health issues as they arrive.
Nor do I expect to go out when my daughter does, but if taken to a theatre etc. thoroughly enjoy the treat. I am dependent on them for transport as I no longer drive, but confine that to doctors, banks, shops etc. when I know they are going.

Sharing time together is good, but normally by 8.30 to 9pm I retire to my own room and tv, radio, books etc. and enjoy time with my small dog.
My big pleasure is my computer, I correspond with my family in UK and the USA and old friends, keep up with all the latest BBC and CNN news, plus newspapers.
Recently I indulged in an old piano and when I am alone I practice for hours.
I do enjoy TV but dont like to spend too long sitting in front of it.
Watching DVDs of my choice, I have come to enjoy opera performances by famous artists too.
From being eleven years old, I had to help clean my parents home and after I left I went back to help my mother by cleaning for her as she was working but unwell for many years. When she died I took on the care of my father and travelled every week to his home to clean for him. He came to live with my husband and I following a fall and my sister and I cared for him until he died at 96, we loved having him, he was in a wheel chair and although we had some carers for him in the mornings and evenings, he was a very active man, a real character, pithy, often very strong minded, but he brought happiness to us all.
After this my own husband became ill for some years and sadly went into Alzheimers but I cared for him at home and with help from morning and eveing carers to get him up and put him to bed I managed to give him the love and care he needed.
When I came to live with my daughter and her husband I didnt expect to sit back and be waited on but slowly found my place here and despite one or two health set backs have kept very active. finding much pleasure in the garden and all the things I do. Even down to sewing straps and buttons on for grandchildren who dont know how to use a needle and thread, or even knitting needles.!!!

To anyone taking in a parent I say, dont discount them, dont let them sit in a chair and do nothing, get their help in small things and all household events.
often they are too worried to ask and feel they may be intruding and sit back.
Give them a chance. Think how they feel suddenly not being the masters of their own fate. Often embarrassed and upset by having to ask if they can do something.
I spend part of the year with my son and wife and his two children and I love going, they make me so welcome. Im about to try to teach them piano playing. and my son and I love to get out into his garden where we share ideas and plans.
His wife is a wonderful photographer and she is always very welcoming when I got there.
I regard myself as so lucky and hope to go on doing all I can to be a welcome and useful member of my new home.
I hope you dont mind a comment from the other side of the fence!!!!

Audrey, My Dad feels like you do he doesn't want to have to ask me for help, but he can no longer see well and he had a fall in May 2007 that set him way back he is 94 and was always doing so sort of work. he also had a garden and hopes to be able to have some plants this year. Its tough when you are in a winter climate he has to stay in except for appts. He has come along way and it could have been worse.
Sounds like the things that happened in your life you accepted and did the best that you could to deal with it positively. That is my mother's fault she never expected things to be this way and she is not a team player, she finds fault with my Dad, her husband of 47 years but never once comes up with ways to improve the quality of her life or his. I wish my mother was like you she is only 74 and should be full of life.
Alot of the relationships have to do with when we were younger, we haven't seen eye to eye since I was 16. You sound like you have a plan and your sticking to it good luck to you Judy