After hospice and after your loved one dies.
Maybe this is a little out of the scope of this form, but many of you have followed my story since mom decided on hospice in her own home. I became her primary care manager for over 6 months despite not agreeing to it, and I served as her hands on caregiver starting at 24/7 and ending with a one 24 hour shift every weekend, during the last of which she died without hospice coming to help.
The day she died I had stayed up all night with her, and I was well past the 24-hour mark because I told the next family member not to come, as mom was in bad shape and needed to be lifted onto the commode, and I didn’t think this young person could handle it. I called her regular aid who offered to come back on her day off and help me, but mom died before she arrived.
This was on Sunday afternoon 3/3 and I couldn’t get out of bed on Monday, primarily from exhaustion, having been up 48 hours. Starting Monday, my phone was blowing up, people wanted the funeral arrangements immediately, even though I couldn’t make it to the funeral home until the next day. I went to the funeral home on Tuesday, and nothing got published until Wednesday.
People who called to offer condolences ended with “I need to make plans”. Like they were appalled that it took me 3 days, so they wanted me to personally fill them in on all the information, including directions to the church, which was all on the funeral home website by Wednesday.
I spent the next 3 days making photo arrangements, picking out flowers, etc. with my SIL pushing me the whole time. By the time I got to the funeral Saturday I felt like I was going to collapse, but I played the good hostess because my brother wasn’t stepping up.
I spent Sunday mostly in bed, and then went back to work Monday. I don’t even remember it, other than no one had been informed that my mom died, even though everyone knew she was in hospice for 6 months. I told 2-3 close people and hoped word would get around, but it didn’t, and people are still asking me how mom is doing.
During that 2nd week my SIL arranged for about 8 people to help clean out mom’s house that Saturday. I honestly thought she was trying to help me because she was one of the few who stuck it out with mom until the end. However, I asked her nicely not to bring her husband, as the lawyer informed me that the house is now half owned by my brother, even though it’s not in writing yet. I told her it would be hurtful to my brother to have her husband (who she cheated on my brother with) there rifling through mom’s stuff before brother even got a chance to go into the house. Well, she brought her husband and he immediately asked for the most expensive antique in the house. Enough said.
Now I’m in the midst of having 3 people trying to move into mom’s house. My lawyer ordering me to stop them. My husband getting a 30-yard dumpster and going over every day cleaning out the house. The lawyer wanting, no demanding, 20-year-old paperwork that’s either buried in the hoard or has already been thrown out by the “helpers”.
I feel like I had an actual nervous breakdown. I can barely lift my arms over my head to wash my hair, and I’m in my 50’s and otherwise healthy. NOW I’m having anxiety and panic at the times I used to be waiting for caregivers to arrive, or times I would normally have been there. My husband’s advice is ‘you’re a smart, logical woman, just remind yourself it’s not real’. But it is real. I thought I would feel a modicum of relief when mom finally passed, but I feel the stress is getting worse.
And everyone is telling me to “take time to grieve”. It feels a lot like when people were telling me to take care of myself when mom was dying, without offering any actual help.
Edit: I meant this to be under discussions. Mods, can it be moved there?
dumpster and going over every day cleaning out the house. The lawyer wanting, no demanding, 20 year old paperwork that’s either buried in the hoard or has already been thrown out by the “helpers”.
I feel like I had an actual nervous breakdown. I can barely lift my arms over my head to wash my hair, and I’m in my 50’s and otherwise healthy. NOW I’m having anxiety and panic at the times I used to be waiting for caregivers to arrive, or times I would normally have been there. My husband’s advice is ‘you’re a smart, logical woman, just remind yourself it’s not real’. But it is real. I thought I would feel a modicum of relief when mom finally passed, but I feel the stress is getting worse.
And everyone is telling me to “take time to grieve”. It feels a lot like when people were telling me to take care of myself when mom was dying, without offering any actual help.
Edit: I meant this to be under discussions. Mods, can it be moved there?
I've been stepping away from the estate work, as I filed all of the initial paperwork and we're in a holding pattern at the moment. But I did look into the fact that brother is filing for bankruptcy right now, and even though they can't take my portion of the estate, it's still going to make things messy.
He's not allowed to to inherit money within 6 months of bankruptcy, and I agreed to not disburse funds to him until such time. However, I don't think he knows that the catch is that if he is "eligible" to inherit the money they can still go after it. I'm guessing he will also want to drag out the sale of the house because of the waiting period, but I just can't have that.
My hope was after this mess ends he would have enough money to buy a small place outright, and not be anyone's homeless problem again. But if his creditors go after the amount I think he owes, he will end up with very, very little. And I certainly won't be the one bailing him out.
My dysfunctional sibling spent his whole life being rescued by my parents in various ways. Now that our last parent is gone, he’s treading water in his life and choices, we have a minimally friendly relationship. The time will come that he’ll come to me for money, and unless it’s a true need not borne out of his carelessness, he will be declined. Then our minimally friendly relationship will likely end, his choice. It will sadden me, but not enough to repeat the cycle.
And please know it’s never too late to change things. You’re in the thick of a big mess right now. It will change. Since my dad died, I’ve changed a lot. Taking the Boundaries class that goes with the book helped tremendously. I’ve also returned to work in a whole new field, different from anything I’ve done previously and enjoy it a lot. Your dreams are still waiting on you. Wishing you continued healing and peace
I have vacation time in two weeks. As much as I hate to give up yet another vacation, my plan is to use the time to clean out as much as I can from the house and then put it on the market. I just want this to end, and I pray that it doesn't end in court.
Oddly, I listened to an entire piece on NPR this morning about the importance of siblings. My brother is not only my only sibling but also really my only living family member. I hope somehow we can get past this. He can maybe start rebuilding his life, or maybe he will just fall into another cycle of debt and need after this big bailout he is about to get. Time will tell.
And I just want to start my life over. I was once a star science student. I had so many dreams, but ended up spending most of my life as a caregiver. I said I would never allow "them" to force me into a traditional women's role, but I did just that. Now I don't even know what I want or even like anymore.
You seem to be a highly intelligent and capable person, but there are some rare situations that are impossible to solve with logic or by creative means, no matter how smart we are. You are doing all the right things currently, and you should feel pride for your inner strength. If not now, at some point in the future you'll be wowed by your own inner strength and resolve. Until then, keep trudging forward through the muck, step by step, until you get through it . As Winston Churchill famously said, "When you're going through Hell, keep going."
In the meantime. I think one of best things that you can do is to focus on means of getting some moments of actual relief and peace for yourself in the present time to abate the jangle of stress and turn off the noise temporarily. Ideas that don't involve work on your part. Like a massage. An easy walk in a beautiful place. I also met with a skilled therapist for several months when I was afraid I'd totally wig out. My primary PCP prescribed a SSRI (and a tranquilizer to take if/when things get particularly horrible). It all helped me get through the worst of things.
You have a clear goal in sight - selling the house. Continue to work with the attorney about your brother as needed. Think about being more selfish with your time for rest and quiet. Talk less with relatives and well meaning friends that upset you.
Wishing you all good things.
Also, I finally steeled myself and went through mom's pocketbook. She was very private about that. Her keys were still in there, so she did NOT give him the keys. I know now that he got them the day we met in the house. There was stuff EVERYWHERE and I didn't even know a third set existed.
I kept telling mom that my brother would move in the minute she passed (not that she could have stopped him any more than I could). She kept telling me there is no way he would move in because he could not afford to live there. She didn't get that he doesn't care. He's just going to get what he can while he can.
Also, I sat out Easter with my in-laws because I couldn't deal with all the criticism I know was coming. My 20 y/o daughter, who has been away at college throughout the whole thing, got to be the recipient of "why would she let him move in?", "he didn't do anything for his mother?", etc, etc. while she tried to stick up for me.
It's all a stomach churning mess.
I am very glad you are going to sell the house for whatever you can and to hell with trying to get the highest and best price. That is your brothers fault because he sneakily moved in when you asked him not to.
I hope you also take the percentage your state allows for your executor duties. It won't make you whole for all the time and work you devoted to caring for your mother but it is better you have it then your brother have more money in his pocket to squander.
No you don't have to provide your brother with wifi and cable TV or utilities on your dime. And ask your lawyer because I believe even if he is not paying rent that you can also deduct what rent he should have paid according to fair market values from his portion of proceeds from the sale of the house too.
Good luck. And again I am sorry for not being supportive of you in this really stressful time. I will try and do better for you and others on this forum when offering advice or my opinion.
As I said before I don’t even live in the same town, and I didn’t know mom had given him keys to the new locks. I stopped going over there all the time after she died, out of sheer exhaustion. That’s when he made his move. In the meantime the estate lawyers are drawing up paperwork for him to sign, but I don’t think he will sign them.
Yes, my plan now is to sell the house “as is” to whoever makes an offer. We ended up doing the same thing with my grandmother’s house for different reasons and lost tens of thousands of dollars, But at this point I just want my life back. I don’t plan on paying any utilities either. The bills can just pile up until they get shut off as far as I am concerned. I already shut off the cable and WiFi . The lawyer may advise otherwise, but I’ve just had it.
And just like all the other helpful people in my life, I feel like you are blaming me. How exactly did I “let” it happen?
If your attorney says that they couldn’t stop your brother from moving in, then tell your friends to stop telling you what to do.
So sorry about all of this.
He has no money so you are going to be paying for the electricity, etc while he sponges off of you? What does your lawyer have to say about any of that?
I would sell the house AS IS WHERE IS to anyone who will buy it at this point. Forget about maximizing the money for the sale of the house. It doesn't matter how much money you get for the house and in essence for your brother because he will be broke in short order and then that will be his problem not yours. The sooner the house sells and the estate is wrapped up the sooner you can get on with your own life and process the grief over your mothers death.
Your mother created this problem with your brother and left you with the mess of having to deal with it. ALL stress and problems you don't need since you have your own health issues to worry about right now.
I can't see this situation with your brother resolving anytime soon for you. Now that he has moved in it will take a lot to get him the hell out. I would not want to be in your situation at all. It is awful.
My brother did move into mom’s house. The attorney said we can’t stop him, as he is half owner, and our own research confirms this. However, he needs to sign a lease agreement, which he refuses to do ( making him responsible for the utilities, etc.). My days consist oh helpful friends YELLING at me to have him arrested, evicted, under a restraining order. “Make him see”, “make him understand”, “ make him leave”, “make him pay”, and on and on, when I can’t MAKE him do anything.
I have not had a moment to grieve, a fact I realized when I burst out crying in a mall yesterday. (One of the first times I’ve done anything but go to work.) The best thing for me mentally and emotionally would be to just walk away and quit claim the house to him. But it just feels so WRONG after the YEARS I spent caring for mom (and her mother), and the financial and emotional cost to myself and my own family.
The icing on top is my former aid, who I gave 2 weeks severance pay and many clothes, furniture and household items, is now asking me for money. She thinks we’re rich, not realizing the thousands of dollars we paid her was my parents life savings, which is now almost gone since we were soon to be applying for Medicaid. Of course I said no, but it’s adding to my stress.
Wishing you peace during this difficult time. Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Apparently, they are going to call me for grief counseling starting 4 weeks after the death, which unbelievably is next week already.
I finally called to make an appointment with a specialist. I tested positive for a number of autoimmune markers about 6 weeks before mom died. I filled out an 8 page packet for them, and they called me the day after she died. Now I can't get in until May. I was hoping it was just exhaustion, but even though I get to go home every day after work and sleep at night, I still wake up exhausted and achy all over. It's not normal.
I am always astounded at the lack of compassion that comes from people after a death. I've had more support from friends than I got from family, when mom died.
MIL's death has brought to a head so many years of anger, vitriol, even..dare I say it? hatred? that was her life. Her kids are all just in a state of "thank goodness this is finally over!"
My DH has shown absolutely no emotion whatsoever over his mom's passing. He's just relieved---and he handles all uncomfortable feelings by sleeping. And sleeping and sleeping.
I wish he'd talk about what he's feeling, but he won't, and I'm not pushing.
Everyone grieves in their own way. Not one way is "right" and not one way is 'wrong'. It just is what it is. Sadly, at the time when you need the space and support and patience is just when people aren't capable of helping. The 'let me know what I can do' comments come out like "but don't actually call me, OK?"
IDK what you were expecting from Hospice, once your mom passed. Our dad's hospice providers showed up the day after daddy died and took away all the DME's and meds and it was like they couldn't get out of there fast enough. It was weird.
MIL was in the midst of changing from one Hospice Co to another, so NOBODY was on board when she passed. IDK what they said they'd do, but the 'bad' Hospice was a joke, at best.
If your only source of support is your DH, then lean on him.
One thing that is a 'for certain' is that time WILL heal you, and hopefully you will be able to look bad and be proud of the care you gave your mom. I know it was hard, and people do not 'get that' unless they've been there.
Wishing for peace for you!
((Hugs))
Your situation is complicated with an estate and a sibling issue. I am sorry.
No one understands what it is like to be a 24/7 caregiver at the end of a beloved person's life - except for someone who has actually done it. The rest of them have no idea. The physical and mental toll cannot be described.
https://www.quora.com/My-sister-and-I-inherited-my-dad-s-estate-and-now-she-is-moving-into-his-house-Is-this-legal
You can't worry about him being homeless and jobless unless you want to support him the rest of your life. Easier said than done but you have to decide how involved you want to be with him because he will suck your soul dry with his untreated mental illness and the constant job issues because if it and then the resulting homelessness.
As for his trip. Sorry I think it's bullshit that a person who has no income or place to live goes on a damn vacation instread of trying to find a job. Thats something my sister would have done too.
He has a camper. Tell him to move to a campground with it.
So I am supposed to tell him not to move in, while at the same time his options are to sleep in his storage unit or car, and it’s FREEZING here right now.
Also, I took 7 days off from work. I am per diem and not eligible for FMLA. I can’t just continue to take time off with no pay. I’m also afraid I’ll be replaced.
I ran into my friend and coworker who suggested the hospice agency that we used (they were great with her family). Her mom passed a year+ ago. Her brother, who owned his own home outright, moved into their mom’s house and never paid his 2 siblings a dime. Now the town is coming after her and her siblings for taxes, while brother sold his home and has all the money sitting in the bank. And I think the estate is still paying his utilities too (he is executor). It’s my worst nightmare.
I am sorry that your SIL didn’t respect your wishes not to bring her husband.
Honestly, some people become vultures when it comes to an inheritance.
I don’t think that I would consider your SIL as trustworthy. She wasn’t respectful of your feelings.
Know that you did all you could for your mom. You deserve to live in peace now. Let the phone calls go to voicemail instead of feeling obligated to talk about your situation over and over again.
Wishing you peace as you grieve for your mother.
When my Mom had passed, Dad quickly wanted to move into a senior facility. That meant I needed to go through their house in order to put it up for sale. It took months to clear out, mainly because of what to keep, what to donate, what to toss out. Bringing home tons of paperwork to go through later, again with what to keep, what to shred. Dad had paystubs going back to 1942, and all their income taxes from many decades.
Then there is Probate, each city/county have their own requirements. Relatives who have never been through that don't understand how stressful that can be.
You need to keep telling yourself all of this is a learning moment so you can think how to slim down all that is needed for the future.
In your case that seems to be the way of it.
For myself, my entire family, my parents, my brother, myself, want NO SERVICES. It's traditional in my family. A simple cremation and no services. It makes it ever so much easier, to be honest. This gave me time to actually mourn my loss, remember the one I loved.
I think you will be OK, Lily. You have been through a lot. You have my condolences. As tough as this is, I sure do wish you were NOT the executor of the will. I wish that had fallen to someone else so that you could simply step away from it.
I would put it in the hands of a good Trust and Estate attorney and step away from it much as you can.
I agree, by the by, that no one should be moving into that home as it will greatly complicate things. For that reason alone I may not empty it out until just before sale.
If you want admins to move this, Lily, consider making a separate response in which you say only "Admins: I request this be moved to discussions". Then self-report your comment. Best way they will see it early on I do think.
I agree with hubby you are smart and logical (would add capable) and will be OK. That doesn't make it easy. Do know also that you sometimes step in where others would HAVE TO if you didn't. I am the same way and can recognize it. We do it because we can't help ourselves and because we believe others are going to do it wrong and make it all worse. Sometimes we are right in that, but the fact is you learn eventually that you cannot do it all, and to let others step in and do it, right OR wrong.
But this isn't easy. Allow yourself your feelings and an afternoon or morning OFF and out of touch once in a while.
I think you need to take time off from work. In hindsight, I would have let my Answering machine pick up all the calls. The greeting could have said "I am very busy at this time with Moms funeral. If your calling with condolences, thank you. If you need an address to the service, its...thank you so much for your call."