Barely 3 hours in the SNF and she’s already complaining...
The bed is too small.
The bed wasn’t locked and I almost fell.
I wont get my medications until tomorrow they say the pharmacy has to order them.
I don’t like the view I want another floor.
Then when I threaten to call the nurse’s station to “Find out what the hell happened,” she gets angry and tells me not to make trouble.
”Then mom you need to call me when it’s a true emergency. Otherwise I’ll be down somebody’s throat.”
Ten minutes later she calls and says they came in to check on her, it’s all fine, and the “almost fall” was just a little accident. I told her that she has to get through the bumps and bruises of the first day my God it was so chaotic with the paperwork and the bed and the nurses asking about diet and the vital signs and... They were all so very very friendly and made her feel so welcome, and not but 4 hours later she s—ts all over it? I’m gonna have a heart attack..
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How is mom and How are you?
Unfortunately I fell victim to a migraine yesterday and when she called me when I was in bed she actually said, “Oh jeez I’m sorry I’ll text you tomorrow.” I told her what was going on.
I also told her yesterday that when she comes back home she’d better be able to do all things independently, because I am no longer available for care. I can do all things POA but you come at me with a commode again and I’m out of here. “You will arrange for a caregiver if need be who will stay the 12-14 hours a day like I was.” This time she could tell I wasn’t kidding.
Because I have limited my visits and phone calls, a friend of mine says that she will begin to see and appreciate all the things that I was doing for her when I’ve removed myself from the equation. I believe this is true. I will be going over tomorrow (not today) and said I would like to have dinner with her in their little dining room and she said she would like that.
She seems to think that if the depression and the sickness go away, that so will all the people around her. Do you know what I would give to have that happy bubbly “hey let me cook you dinner” mom I used to have. It isn’t impossible. She couldn’t be more wrong about herself if she thinks people want to be around her in this condition. Particularly her daughter who will NO LONGER deteriorate while SHE gets better.
Thanks gang.
I don't know; what are your chances with that? Pretty low right now, but IF you made your mother responsible for her own choices and you stopped being at her beck and call? Much better chance to reclaim YOUR life.
If she didn't plan this phase of her existence, that doesn't make it YOUR problem to solve.
If you get fired, your husband leaves and you get sick, do you have someone ready to leap in, pay for full time care, find you affordable housing and healthcare?
No, me neither.
Your mother is in a bed. She has access to social services. Please continue to tell them that you are under doctor's orders not to solve this problem. Time to let the professional take over, dear.
Please get some rest.
I'm feeling a little better today, so far she has NOT called me, I suspect they are really working her in OT and PT right now which out to make her exceptionally mad at this hour of the morning.
She called me 12 times yesterday. Let us hope that the OT and PT that even though she says, "The doctor told me won't help me" will wear her out and she'll be too tired to pick up the phone.
What's been interesting is that the people I've talked to have said that she's told them that I'm available to help her at all times (plus the caregiver). I told all of them that is not true. I told the last case worker I spoke to who said that, that "no, as a result of my mother's immeasurable needs, I'm not available. I've got a job ready to fire me and a husband ready to leave." Imagine her surprise.
I was so sick yesterday I could barely think. Today is better.
As for assisted living, she has the funds for a temporary stay, but she'd have to completely sell her house and move away to it to completely stay there. What do you think my chances are with THAT.
Does your mother have the funds to afford AL?
She’s been calling me damn near every half hour to tell me nonsensical things.
The doctor overseeing her says she is not sick enough for the SNF but cannot go home and will tell her she needs AL for at least two months.
Not because he’s trying to be mean, but because he too realizes this is all depression based, and the “bring me this bring me that” was getting her needs met - we’ve all talked about this. If she could lay and languish in her bed while the caregiver brought her her lunch and her coffee in it, that was her not being lonely or living alone, etc. The doctor I talked to today was one of the smartest I’ve talked to in a long time.
I told him that if anyone’s going to suggest assisted living, it’s got to be him. She doesn’t hear me anymore. AND he was the first medical professional to tell me that for me it must be an absolute take and no give relationship - sort of a time sucking and soul crushing place to be. And when I told him it was a Black Hole, he couldn’t agree more.
I swear to G her next call is probably going to be “What time is it.”
Time to quit that’s what the hell time it is.
YES!! You are making this too hard.
You don’t take her an outfit daily! You don’t wait for instructions.
You pack a bag of several outfits OF YOUR CHOICE with guidance from the rehab on what’s appropriate if you don’t know.
You tell her you’ll see her in x number of days when you pick up her dirty laundry and bring her more. IF you choose to come back.
If she complains then don’t go at all. She can have someone else do it. You are doing her a FAVOR. You are not her slave. She needs to know you mean it. She is not going to dry up and blow away. Your siblings can entertain her calls while you get your work done.
You’ve got the tail wagging the dog here.
If you don’t make a change while you have this help with her, you will have sentenced you and your husband to a living hell for who knows how long.
Quit begging her to behave. She is NOT the boss of you.
Plan your work and work your plan. Expect the anti to escalate. Hold firm.
Put the dog in a kennel until she can care for it.
Push everything a step further than you ever dared before.
Sometimes the pendulum has to swing.
Plus, it is actually better this way round. Just imagine if everything had been fine for 3 hours, and *then* she changed her mind...
YOU are not there to "do" for her. You are there to visit. Once a week would be nice.
Get some rest.
One of Moms things that she likes to do is call, rile me up, and when I ask questions e.g what happened what’s going on, I get, ”We’ll talk about it later, i’ll Talk later about it I don’t want to get into it now.”
Then why the hell call other than to exert that emotional control...
She told me to call her first thing in the morning so she can tell me what to bring. I told her I would call her late morning so “you can wake up and take the time and then tell me what you need.” I don’t want a four letter tirade to yes or no questions at 7am when I’m starting my work day. “What the f—- do you want me to do,” is never an answer to “What outfit would you like me to set out.”
im so behind at work, I’ve got the dog to worry about and it all just seems beyond what I can do. Or I’m making this too hard.
Put this on some index cards. Keep one with you at all times and tape another one to your bathroom mirror at home (and/or anywhere else you will see it often).
Dont forget to keep some distance. Let mom deal with the staff herself. We all know that she knows how to give orders. She doesn’t need you as a go between. Let the staff get to know her and assess her without interference. They will call you if there is an emergency. She is there to get therapy. That’s hard work and if she does it right, she will be tired.
Your part in this, your therapy is to develop proper boundaries and to get rested.
Do not intervene and jump on anyone because she is complaining. I know this is so very hard, but you can do it.
My dad got me banned because he used this very tactic to make me feel like a terrible daughter for placing him. (He was in a care home with pot smoking owners that were just getting started, so there was some lack of care because they didn't know and were not very bright, he couldn't afford or qualify for aid to be in a larger facility or he would have been moved. ) Complained about things I couldn't in good conscience ignore but found out it was 70% crap, I was chewing butts for lack of common sense care and he was straight out lying to me.
These are professionals and they are not going to risk their jobs or their patients safety by disregarding measures. Keep this in mind when she is biotching about everything.
Learn to say, mom, you need to tell the DON, or the nurse or the CNA, that is the best way to get this dealt with.
Remember, you are done trying to make her happy, you have her in a safe place and she is cared for. Back away and start living your life. Go visit and try to bring something that will divert her complaints, right now she is using you as a scratching post and you can change that.
Hugs and strength!