Bathing the Elderly

How you feel about caring for others will come back to the care taker. I keep reminding myself to keep positive because it will affect my own health to be negative and down on life. Yes, I have a little bit of dark chocolate in the morning and afternoon to lift my mood. Yes, I take a St John's wort once in a while when feeling blue. I get someone to fill in for me once in a while just to go walking at Walmarts. We all need to work on keeping ourselves shooting for the positive side of life for our own health and to preserve the dignity of the one we are caring for. Some people are having a terrible time and need those creative problem solvers to share ideas. I notice that as my mother gets more and more feeble, new problems rise up. I have been at this care taking for 8 years and have gone through anguish ,depression, and that trapped feeling that others are going through. I have searched the web for ideas along with help from my husband, have bounced back up numerous times. Now, going into the final stage, I am at the beginning of a new phase , feeling a little lost, and looking for creative ways to get through the next phase having a parent that will not be able to get up out of bed any longer.

Jen-what it is, is that no matter what the question is, when it was posted, people vent and give their opinions, vehemently!!!
islandmz never replied to anyone!!! That cracks me up.
Are we all on stage, or what? who is lurking in the wings?

Some people don't do dark humor period I think L...and if you feel it is a blessing to care for a loved one and supremely disrespectful to say insulting things about them behind their back, well, that is OK for you/them and there are other places for it...I think this post got away from Island's original theme, that of asking hows and whats to deal with bathing issues...We got onto a morality debate that comes up again and again. I have not really seen anyone change their opinions. The ventors' want to vent the prayers want to pray and the praying ventors' do both...I don't know. A lot of assumptions on all sides I bet, and when one is tired and stressed it is hard not to add fuel to the fire...I guess when one is certain they are right it is as well tired or not. Does it matter? As long as the person who needs care is getting it? I guess to some it does, to others it does not...and on it goes...till it ends...
So you think "God" is gonna give you one point for care giving and two points if you do it with out complaint? If it makes you happy...why not.

I am beginning to understand what all of the commotion is about. I found this site looking for answers and advice to help me care for my Mother who has dementia. I was not happy with the care home she had been in; she was falling, being over-medicated, ignored at night when she had to go to the bathroom. My husband suggested we bring her with us, modify our home to accommodate her needs, get additional outside help so I could still live my life, as I was not ready to sacrifice my whole life to take care of anyone, not even my Mother.
That concept seems rather unhealthy to me--giving up ones own perfectly good life to care for someone else. HUH?
Is my Mother's life more valuable than mine? Not to me. I can honestly say that in the 2 1/2 years I have been caring for my Mother-- 6 months in my home--that I have given her more love, attention, consideration, pampering, healthcare, and affection than she ever gave me in the first 18 years she was supposed to be there for me as a Mother. The outward presentation of her dementia is a continuation of the behavior I saw as a young child--her temper tantrums over ? running into the bathroom and slamming the door, yelling and screaming, scaring my younger brothers and me. At 7 years old, I would stand outside the bathroom door and beg my Mother for forgiveness for ?, to please come out, I'll be good, the boys will be good, please just calm down ( and be our mother, PLEASE!)
Do you know that now she has a similar behavior, and I must do the same thing, some 50 years later?
Who cares? Who gives a f--ing damn that I never had a healthy Mother, but now I must be a healthy, patient, loving, and forgiving, and care providing and managing daughter?
Yeah, you get stars if you are a literary genius on this site. If you put the words together just so, in some unique way. The creative mission converts our frustration into something beautiful and pleasing. If we are just kind and supportive and compassionate, we send hugs. Isn't that sweet?
I have met people here that may be passing ships in the night, or they may be my friends forever. I don't know, I can't think that far ahead. Sometimes I can't think past breakfast, feeding Mother, who actually shows more appreciation and love for me now than she ever did. I want to believe it is real, but I think it is more manipulation to continue to get what she wants. I don't know, I don't think she knows, but I know what I am trying to do is the right thing for her, and I will continue to do it until it becomes physically, mentally and psychologically UNHEALTHY for my husband and me.
It is a benevolent position to be in to care for someone who cannot do it for themselves. I am very happy her last husband provided for her care for the rest of her life--the money part. I would like to do as my sister and brother do and "zone out" the responsibility, but perhaps I am still that little girl begging for my Mother's love and attention?
Bottom line--you like this job, do it forever. You can't take it anymore, find a way to get out of it. There is no reason people here have to be hateful and insulting to EACH OTHER!
To each his own, and all that. Don't judge another for having a different attitude. As caring people--and we all are more than those who choose NOT to be caregivers-- do the best we can with our individual circumstances. I figure I am learning something from taking this responsibility, but I think that way. Someone else may not. Just say, "Oh, that's how you think about it. Interesting."
See? Everyone is just way too on the edge around here.
OBMAJ

Since it seems we are in a war of words here, what is right and what is wrong, I would like to inform you we do all the things you say we don't do. We love, forgive(or we would not get up day after day and so this all over again), and use compassion. WE DO ALL OF THAT. We are not upset at our loved ones but we do get upset with the repition of things they do and say. Because most of us are exhausted, physically and mentally. Some do not have the finances to hire help, or even put them in a nursing home. Or the nursing homes in their area are so deplorable, they would not put a loved one in that situation. We are not bad people, and if you do not understand our humor and our close relationships with each other, then there are plenty of sight out there to fufill what ever need you have for getting on a sight to begin with. Do not get me wrong, you are welcome here, and we will love you, forgive you and have compassion for you.
You don't understand that the majority of things said is simply dark humor.

Well, while some woman who is living in the land of Oz, feeding the squirrels and doing crafts with their COOPERATIVE elder, others are being called everything that is unGodly, cleaning up spiteful messes, SERVING HOT MEALS that do not get eaten and most of the time get thrown away, trying to coherse to take medication, change clothes, bathe, stop throwing food IN ANGRY TANTRUMS, etc. I have a PERFECT right to be angry about how my Mother acts. It doesn't mean I hate her, I LOVE HER.OTHERWISE, I WOULDN'T BE DOING THIS. I want caregiver101 to come to my house and I will turn over the reigns FOR JUST 2 HOURS. But please allow me to tape it so I can send it to AFV and win 10 grand. It would really be funny to watch Mary Poppins' umbrella turn inside out and see her clumsily fly off in the distance muttering silent prayers for a safe journey AWAY from the "dark place".
I appreciate the others here who do love and care for their elders, yet are not afraid to admit the down side of caregiving and VOICE it.

I did care for my mother with love. I loved her very much and she knew it. She loved me very much and I knew it. We were very close. Was it difficult sometimes? Yes. But I did it because I loved her. She's in heaven now with Dad. That's a very good thing. She does not suffer.

Huh? TO ME, there is right and wrong. TO ME, there are consequences to our choices, to our actions. TO ME, expressing yourself and venting about a tough day or a particular struggle you may experiencing is not wrong. TO ME, choosing words that are belitting, insulting, anger-filled, scary, and full of hatred TOWARD/about the person to whom we are providing care IS WRONG. Would YOU want someone with THAT mindset, those "true" feelings - caring for you? I don't get why this whole caregiving "thing" has to be/feel like such an awful burden and job that is hated by so many caregivers. If you KNOW that you will be a caregiver to your loved one today - this day, why not just embrace it and make the most of it? LAUGH. HUG. LOVE. FORGIVE. It's not a burden. Some people think having to grocery shopping is a hassle. Or having to get up and go to a 60+ hour job all week they hate is a burden. Or taking the dog for a walk every night is a burden. It's all on our perspective. OUR OWN perspective - not on the person's we are caring for - not on other people here on this web site. All I am saying - all I have been saying all along is - DO WHAT YOU DO WITH LOVE. Even if the person you are caring for seems like a monster - love that monster, be patient with that monster, forgive that monster. "Christ comes in odd shapes and crouches beneath the bridge" (from THAT NONE BE LOST by Dr. James Magner.
- in response to the question about how do I stay sane when weeks go by and I don't leave our property - easy - I do all sorts of things with my loved one - PT and OT therapy workouts, writing to others and about our days and thoughts, creating cool art projects, reading old classics together and nonfiction about alternative healing practices and others who are hope-filled and optimistic, praying, baking, playiing wii, enjoying the birds & squirrels eat the food we leave for them, napping, and lots of laughing and hugging. the days f-l-y by.
i am not here to judge anybody. i learn as i go along, too, but i know for certain - from my center of my soul - that if someone has been given the opportunity - has been blessed with the role of caring for another - that responsibility HAS TO be done with love and compassion. At least in my book. Have a wonderful day everybody.

Just because Caregiver is telling those of us who vent that we are wrong does not mean that she is right. Plain and simple. Do we always have to do what others think is right? No we don't. Shaming is about the worst thing you can do to a caregiver. THAT is wrong. We can't live our lives going by what others think. Personally, I chose to care for my mother in her home and not put her in a nursing home. Was that the right choice? To me it was. Did I give up my freedom to do so? Yes I did. Was there grossness involved? Yes there was. Did I sometimes vent about it? Yes I did. Is that wrong? Maybe yes, maybe no. Did it help save my sanity? Yes it did. Was my mother better off at home? Yes she was. So I choose not to worry about if it was right or wrong. I do my best not to judge. I think that is a very good policy for all of us to follow.

Caregiver, after reading the posts by everyone, my question to you is if you are, in fact, so loving and patient at all times in all situations, then YOU could have made the choice to spread the love to those of us who are so tired and crazy, that if we did not have this sight to vent we would be of no use to anyone. I have had an absolutely crazy day and have got nothing but support and loving suggestions. Try not to read only selective posts, but I agree with all of them . And just don't do it... well what pollyanna world do you live in??? WE are just humans doing what we do, needing each other, And as long as we are talking and venting in this safe place, we are harming no one because we got honest about what we think and feel.. I understand what you are saying thinking we feed off each other with the negativity. It is not that at all. we just try to laugh about the things we can not change. I guess what I got from you, is SHAME. well there is no shame in being honest with the way we feel, and sharing it with others. I would hope that you would stay with this sight and start your own thread about being positive or what ever else you want to share. You can part of the solution, or offend others and just add to the problems. Yes, we can be a touchy bunch sometimes. but we do have each other. And there are many days without getting to come here and not feel alone, I would just get on a crying jag and never stop. I wish you had spread some of that love and acceptance to all us heathens as apparently we need all we can get.

Thanks miz....

Very well said, J.

"Accentuate the positive" I is good for some. Others rather fume and grouse. I am in the fume and grouse contingent myself, but I do understand the feeling of not wanting to be immersed in negativity all the time. Nothing is right for Everyone. And we need to be careful not to assume things...I despise my grandfather for a myriad of reasons but I do not let it effect the care of safety of him. I seethe but I don't yell...and If I am a hypocrite, well I really don't care. There is a lot of crap we have to deal with in life. It doesn't mean that you have to eat it or throw it or even necessarily deal with it. Though if you say you have had enough and walk away, many would say you are a selfish bastard for not "doing everything you can..."
We all have to find our own way through, and surprise surprise...it is not going to be the same way for all of us...

Jollyj, Jam & Caregiver101--thanks for your honesty and positive approach. It helps me understand others in this situation. I guess I'm a novice at this since it's only been 6 months that my elderly mother in law has been with us. I am so lucky that she is such a clever and good person, even in very old age (almost 98) and really can express appreciation well.
I can't imagine not being out of the house since Oct!!! Do you knit or read a lot?

I have to say, Caregiver101, you hit the nail on the head for me! I've always believed that if you don't like your situation, you should change it and I think that applies even more so for caregivers.

I don't love absolutely everything about taking care of my mom but I don't actually hate anything about it either. I chose to do this and I hope I am able to take care of her until the end. I won't ever get to feeling as hateful as some of the posts because I'll know before then that it would be better for me to allow Mom to go in a NH. Life is too short for me to be unhappy or her to be mistreated by an unhappy me!

I look to this site and others to help me find positive ways to handle different situations. Because of the positive attitudes of some on this site, I have learned how to deal with the difficult situations and Mom is actually happier and life is fairly calm. Whenever a new situation pops up, I just float the question out.

I don't have the same situation as you in that I do have siblings and I am able to get away once a month with my sister's help. I truly commend those of you that are 24x7 without respite and still manage to keep on the positive side of things.

So, thanks for the positive attitude and please keep it up for folks like me!!

whatever. the "precious time" wording was not mine - that was some guy who wrote he didn't want to waste his "precious time" reheating cold food or whatever else he doesn't want to do with his time for the person he is living with. so some of us have to clean up body fluids. so what. we're not martyrs. my point is - that apparently only one other person reading this seems to understand - is if you don't enjoy and love what you are doing - you are not being of service to the person you are caring for. you think being around someone who hates you and hates doing things for you and writes terrible things about you on the Internet is BETTER than being somewhere else - where perhaps more than one person can interact with that individual or care for them? i just think people ought to stop complaining and start coming up with solutions and ways to uplift and help other -instead passing out gold stars on here for those who are "putting up" with the person they are caring for. i guess this is supposed to be like a "water cooler" area at work - where all the unhappy employees go to bitch. i just don't see how it is productive in the long run. it's funny how you say everyone is "ticked off" at me - you are all judging someone different from you. someone you can possibly begin to understand. i, too, am a 24/7, at-home, live-in caregiver with absolutely NO outside help from anyone -the government, an aide, a sibling, no one. weeks go by when i don't leave the house. the last time i put gasoline in our car was in october!!
and, yet, go figure - i am happy! what a freak of nature God created in me! you are the one pointing the finger and attacking someone different from your views. i merely said if you didn't like what you were doing - do something else. make a change. i went back and read some previous post by that guy and he said he doesn't have to be doing what he is doing (being a caregiver) so why is he then when clearly he is miserable and full of anger? only he can answer that to himself. at the end of the day, we all know what is in our own hearts and our own minds.

caregiver.....what got some a little "ticked off" was your comment about what we would rather be doing in our "precious time". I would love to spend the day with my family without smelling like poop, bathing, dressing, changing, feeding, being screamed at because the sun is shining.....I would like to go out to lunch without a child-like person. No one is faulting you because of the way you choose to spend your time with your loved one......but it's not fair to the rest of us when you say that we don't care, throw a cold meal at them? If you would take the time to read through posts on other threads you will find that there are hordes of us that take care of one or more parent or in-law, our lives are on hold to do that caring....we bathe, wipe butts, change diapers, clean all kinds of bodily fluids off surfaces that should never be found there.....take to appts, sometimes more than one place in a day, get screamed at, spit on, puked on.......and on and on and on. If you enjoy that daily, well I'm happy for you. Most of us didn't sign on for the job.....it was thrust at us, and guess what? We ARE doing it.......and we continue to do it daily, and well by the way, but if you think it's just a barrel of fun then you are deluding yourself.....yes, we bitch and moan, because if we didn't we would all go crazy. These people are now or have just recently cared for their parent (s) IN THEIR HOME......when it is so easy to just put them in a nursing home and walk away.
I am glad you enjoy what you are doing and it's an easy thing for you to do.....just don't point the finger at us when our opinion differs from yours............

Here's what I don't understand. If I say that I hate flossing someone else's teeth or standing at attention at three in the morning to deliver a poop as if it were a baby (neither of these things bother me whatsoever) - but let's say they did. Let's say I hated doing these two things. What is going to help ME more? Having 20 people write to me to tell me "yeah, i hate it too it sucks that we have to do that" "what a disgusting, dirty job" etc. etc. etc. or "Hey, you're loved one is able to have bowel movements - that's a GOOD THING!" "You're loved one has teeth! That's a great thing!" FOR ME - hearing the postive, surrounding myself with like-minded people who are optimistic, positive, uplifting, will help ME - ME - ME more (I am not writing about the guy here who send me a "hug" with a "F.U." message in it. I am writing about ME and MY experience and view as a caregiver. If I only got messages that said, "yeah it SUCKS BEING A CAREGIVER FOR A STINKY PERSON WITH A SMELLY CROTCH AND SO I WILL CONTINUE TO SERVE HER COLD FOOD AND SO WHAT" that mindset, FOR ME, is not going to help me AT ALL. So when i wrote, if we aren't doing what we are doing with LOVE, that makes sense TO ME. if i don't want to be a dentist, a teacher, a construction worker, a stripper, WHATEVER - if i just complain to all my colleagues about it - why am i there? i can't stand to be around people who constantly complain about others in their lives. it's different if they complain ABOUT THEMSELVES and the improvements and changes maybe they need to make in themselves - but to hear people complain and gossip and bitch and insult others because of what they are or are not doing - makes me cringe. i am not allowed or able to express my true feelings here, because when i do - i get attacked by caregivers who seems to be stressed out, anger, and pissed off that HOW DARE I LOVE WHAT I AM CALLED TO DO. how dare i embrace every moment. how dare i be optimistic. just because my opinion is DIFFERENT from yours does NOT make me a person who is judging you. you go on and live your life complaining and insulting and presenting the person you care for as if he/she were a burden. go on and keep writing all that crap and sharing all that negativity with the universe. because you are the PERFECT caregiver. it's your way or no way. if your loved one doesn't want to do what you command - then F them. let them eat a cold dinner - let them smell. yeah! that's being a part of the solution. right. you can all hate me and be pissed off at me for NOT thinking it's ok to be a self-righteous angry caregiver who hates his/her role and has every right to talk about that person like they are not a person. i would LOVE to read posts from the people who are being cared for! I would LOVE to read and hear what those being cared for feel about the quality of care and love they are "receiving" from their "loved" one. Go on - continue to hate your lives, hate where you are, hate what you have become, hate the one you are "caring" for, and hate me for not high fiving you when you write such garbage about each other and those under your care. TREAT OTHERS HOW YOU WANT TO BE TREATED. for some of you - maybe it ought to be HOPE THAT OTHERS NEVER TREAT YOU LIKE YOU TREAT OTHERS.

JollyJ I agree, we vent a lot on the "Grossed Out" thread, maybe we need a thread to vent about venting?

I see both sides, but lets face it. There is a great deal in life we all have to do that we'd rather not do, and as for care-giving I am not of the sort that feels if you can't "do it with love don't do it at all..." Stuff just has to get done. It can be a blessing to be able to help a loved one..it can also be a pain in the ass... But to go around and judge others for doing it "the wrong way" really just adds to the burden.
This is an ongoing issue for us all I know. Everything about it is loaded and charged with emotions rubbed raw from the stresses of the day to day of it. From the angry that you don't do it with love group to the how can I shorten this ordeal ones...there will be as many opinions as there are people in care giving situations...Try to remember when you comment that you are not in someone else's shoes, no matter how much you think you are..."No one would choose it" ? How do you know? Some people like to be waited on hand and foot crabbing and criticizing everything done for them. Some have been independent all there lives at it is a terrible blow to need assistance of any kind and they handle it with as much self respect and kindness as they are able. You just don't know who is dealing with what. But I suppose, once they tell you how it is, you are entitled to your opinion of it...but when you make a comment to them that is snappish and catty you really should expect to get the same back. You may not be teaching the lesson you think you are....

I know that all caregivers experience stress and I know that each caregiver's issues are different because the care recipient is different. I'm sorry to hear the frustration coming out and hope that better days come soon.

Meanwhile, we have people just now dealing with this issue looking for help when they see this topic. Is it possible to stick to helpful comments? Maybe start a new discussion so folks can vent?

sylvester18.....you have just won a BIG gold star....thank you so much for saying what I was too angry to say when I read that post.

caregiver101?
MY precious time is none of YOUR business, and to start the day off right, I will start by spending my precious time telling you what a sob you are. You have no idea who I am, or what I go through, so YOU, you judgemental, arrogant. condescending p.o.s., my comment for you is to take your opinion of me and ram it as far as you can get it up that tight rear end of yours. And this comment was meant JUST FOR YOU, not for the universe at large. /:Q

I love the motto/saying, "Treat others how you want to be treated." I am pretty sure no one wants to depend on somebody else to lovingly prepare all their meals, to patiently and compassionately bath them, and to creatively and regularly enhance their lives emotionally, spiritually, and physically. Nope. I can't imagine even ONE person in the universe who would CHOOSE to have to have someone else tend to all those daily living needs 24/7. I guess what is shared about those we care for (if they don't want to do whatever it is we want them to do - then just let it go) could also be applied to the caregivers - if you don't want to do what you are doing - and find that you can no longer do it in an unconditionally loving way - then make other arrangements and spend your "precious time" doing whatever it is you feel compelled to do. What is that by the way? What is it you would rather be doing than serving in the most blessed, rewarding, and important role in the world? This posting is not to anyone in particular - just the universe-at-large. :)

Many elderly people are afraid they are going to fall in the bathtub or shower. I solved that problem and have no problem at all. I bought a bidet seat for the toilet. It is worth every dollar I paid for it!! While the elderly person sits on the toilet, the warm spray cleans the bottom. I use a warm washcloth to wash the other areas and them apply lotion. The bidet is so easy to use and is good to wash the bottom a couple of times a day. All you do is run in when your elderly person is on the toilet and push the button. It will shut off when that person gets up. Some of the bidets have warm seats too.them sold at Home Depot. I got mine at a bathroom shop on sale. I found I also found that having the diaper pail close by is great for your elderly person to deposit soiled underwear. Something else to lessen your stress level. Good luck.

sylvester18 You OWNED that one!!! It's your crotch and underarms...Like DUH?! What is the deal. you make it as warm and safe and accessible as possible do it quick let them bitch the floor is cold the seat is cold the water is cold the soap is cold!!!! NUTHIN! Pay someone to wash their ass, or let it go till the health authorities show up cause someone reported a gas leak in your house...hahaha. I mean really!Beyond really!

I have found out that trying to get a STUBBORN, hateful, spiteful elder to do anything they are suppose to do is just STUPID and a waste of precious time. If they don't want to take a shower, let them go without one. If you can't handle the smell, go get a can of Febreeze and spray it after they have left the room. It wouldn't hurt to spray THEIR clothes with it ( while they have them on) and TELL them WHY you are spraying their clothes, it's because the clouds of Heaven are forming because they stink to high Heaven. I have found that bribing, cohersing, yelling, petting, asking nicely for my Mother to shower, eat a HOT meal when it's served, stop throwing garbage ANYWHERE she wants to, yeling and cursing and calling me names, is just a complete and utter waste of MY precious time. I now let her go as long as she wants to without bathing, she eats the meal whenever she finally gets to the table to eat it, cold I might add, and I just grit my teeth and go get the broom and sweep up the mess when I see she has OBVIOUSLY visited any given room in the house. Stop getting upset when they don't do what you want them to do, just GO WITH THE FLOW. When they ask you, "what is that putrid smell?" Respond with , it is your underarms and crotch. If you shower, that smell will go away.

Your elderly person may be having trouble with loss in physical or mental abilities and in learning how to change cleaning habits to accomodate these new restrictions. Get help from an Occupational Therapist if possible to evaluation new strategies.

Make the bathroom shower a comfortable and safe place by:
--Installing grab bars and shower seat, hand held shower etc, as needed.
--Heat the bathroom with small electric heater, if room is chilly. (Do not warm the bathroom by hot steam--will make it slippery)
--Assist as needed with transfers and verbal cues, making steps and directions as easy as possible. Be prepared to take your time and be patient in helping. Remember that maintaining the highest level of independence in self-care as possible is very important in aging well--and a very therapeutic experience. Bathing also encourages habitual healthy exercise motions to continue in a functional way, in such motions as cleaning between your toes, reaching to clean areas of the body etc. Stress importance of this exercise as you help assist.
--Give rewards for getting cleaned up. Go out for tea and visit with friends. My elderly mother-in-law, like many elderly, winces at the thought of getting in the shower. (Daily clean up is sponge bathing at sink in chair) But if this weekly shower event means that I can wash her hair gently, and then blow-dry and curl her hair to look beautiful again, she finds this reward worth the effort. I find this self-care time I spend with her the best opportunity for me to achieve rewards and appreciation.

I have an Uncle that hasn't bathed regularly most of his 86 years. He is profusely pungent, and becomes hostile when forced to bathe. The problem is he is suffering from dementia and can't be on his own. Family members are not willing to take him in with this problem. His attitude has become unbearable on this subject. He is unfortunately, not in a position to pay for adequate care. He is becoming dispondant and says he doesn't care where he goes. This is just a heartbreaking situation as he has otherwise been a decent guy.

Try a bathing/ changing privacy garment. Your mom may be embarrassed to be unclothed. Dignity Resource Council has them. www.dignityrc.org My mom was helped by having her private body areas covered.