First, I recognize that nothing will change really until Something Big happens. SO and I are very limited in what we can do other than more free hours for Brother's Wife, which we don't want to do.
Anyway, Brother's Wife stupidly left her purse at Safeway after cashing out her latest paycheck, in full, in cash. Then she, BW, proceeded to have this gigantic fit there, causing MIL to run out and faceplant. Another hosp visit was required for her broken nose, black eyes, etc. BW was refusing to call her own phone, so finally someone else did, which PEOPLE ANSWERED. They had found her purse near the HS, and everything including the phone was in it, except her $3,000 paycheck.
BW is now mewling to them about how she really could use the money for Christmas. IT IS YOUR FAULT BW, and you didn't take care of it. These people are already paying for people to do 24/7, and soon more will be required than talking about a bumblebee in a yard or making sure the maids come. Or driving them. Soon, very soon, probably already, there will be larger issues.
With the night/weekend aide (BW insisted on her traditional weekends off), there are no such issues. BW has not worked for 30 years before this. She's "coy" about her age, but we all know the bag is about like 68 married to a 54 yo. She's a chronic smoker as well who just got something done on her own face.
I'm pissed, because I KNOW fully that she's guilting the ILs into trying to replace this money for CHRISTMAS. So that they are presents. BW, we recognize that the presents you've given us are from some home shopping thing, and half the time they go into the trash.
As she is a $65K "professional" meaning being paid, she needed to SHUT UP about her purse the minute she got back to her job. That is what people with jobs do.
SO has made it clear to Brother that respite care is needed. Like right now and for the future. They are their own POA over their eight-figure assets, which he said. So hire people.
How about you and DH just step away from all this? Sounds like your in laws have sufficient funds to PAY for any care. They can hire w/e caregivers and you and DH completely disengage from this mess.
Seems like BW gets the brunt of all the anger--surely she cannot be ALL bad? And BTW, CG for ANYONE is hard. I've done a lot of it and NEVER have I felt I had an 'easy' job. Every single job was brutal in it's own way.
I think if you and your hubby don't step away you might have an aneurysm!
Block BW's calls and just refuse to talk to her. If your hubby doesn't want to stop giving to his folks, then let him and you stay away. That is often a very workable solution. I never see my MIL, ever.
You're not going to change BW. You can only change yourself.
Here, however, BW could have made her doctor's appointment not conflict with the ILs appointment. It's actually the largest tangible thing she is tasked with, getting them to their appointments. It is not like she broke her leg yesterday or some emergent condition came up where there was only one appointment for her at the last minute. She had plenty of time to adjust her schedule so as not to conflict with the IL's appointments, again part of her job, and she deliberately made it so that she could not take MIL to her appointment. For no rational reason.
IF SIL has set days off, and IF your MIL/FIL can "be alone for an hour while she goes to the doctor" WHY is your SO agreeing to go sit with his parents when she has these appointments? I just don't understand that. I guess it's me. Does your SO feel like this is a sacrifice he "should" be making for his parents? Is his relationship with them such that he is unable to tell them no? I don't get it. If it upsets you both so much, there's an easy solution to this, and that's refusal to cover SIL.
It's fine. I don't have to understand the family dynamics. YOU'RE the one who has to live with this, and I am sorry you have to put up with it. But I think, if you haven't already done so, you need to SHARE these feelings with your SO, because this hatred you write about constantly is going to do more damage to YOU than to anyone in your SO's family.
DiL doesn't work seven days a week. Five days at 40 hours. When she has to go to the doctor, they're fine with being home by themselves for an hour. She knows their doctor schedule, but she then makes a conflicting appointment of her own, on conveniently SO's "day off," which isn't. And then we find out, as usual, the day before.
DIL is getting the best of both worlds here. Her job compared to most of what people do here is basically cake, no lifts, no incontinence and no dementia. The "hardest" thing would be the appointments, which apparently, for no reason, she has trouble with.
But because FAMILY, she sees him as her PTO. Even when she could realistically take that without disrupting his own weekend. We have never impinged on theirs, nor has the indy aide.
I know you really don't want to her this, but you do realize it's unreasonable to expect SIL to work 7 days a week with no days off, regardless of her pay, don't you? I also think it's unreasonable that MIL/FIL believe that it's ok to pay some family members for care, while expecting others (SO) to do such care free of charge.
Does your SO know how angry this makes you? If not, you really need to have a serious discussion about it, and what this entire scenario is doing to your mental health. He can tell his parents "no, sorry, I'm not willing to give up my few, precious days off. You'll have to hire an aide to come in on my SIL's days off".
If he is unwilling to do that, for whatever his reasons, then you're going to have to make some tough decisions...stay with him and put up with this highly dysfunctional family, or decide enough's enough and end the relationship. Neither choice is a good one, I realize. But you can't force people to change; you can only change yourself. If you go with option 1, I think you would benefit from some therapy, where you can talk through your VERY JUSTIFIED anger, so it doesn't eat away at you and destroy your soul.
I sincerely wish you well, no one deserves this sort of angst in their lives.
Yes, I am really angry. I am aware to some people, perhaps too much so. I'm just as angry at THEM. He gives one inch, they take a country mile, and I'm not down for our limited time together being eradicated because their PAID worker has decided for whatever reason to dump it on family, which no PAID person does, not at that level.
I know I am ranting, but can anyone hear my anger?
Recently, BW's sister came to visit. She got Brother to call him the DAY BEFORE HIS DAY OFF to ask that he do her job for the day, because so long without the sister. The same thing happened one week later, and then his Mom informed him that Brother's Wife had told her that he would be available for the day he semi-had off as well. SO chose to confront his mom about this and say he needed his weekends too. Brother's Wife chose to counter by arranging a spontaneous "Christmas Dinner" that she tried to get us to come to. SO just said we had prior plans to go out. This dinner, btw, was in early October and said sister had been here a full month LIVING WITH THEM. Certainly she had enough time during her free Saturdays and Sundays plus all evenings to socialize with this sister, but instead chose to disregard that SO has a very difficult, less lucrative, highly physical job.
He set that boundary. Like his parents, he shares almost a phobia about seeing them naked, let alone handling private parts.
BW doesn't have to really handle any actual ADLs, but the time is coming. It could be here next month if certain treatment is ordered. I would call agencies myself and clarify what respite/advance ADL care is needed, but MIL says she doesn't want anyone but DIL and aide in there, so I'm respecting that.
When the dam breaks, no one will know what to do. I guess I have a problem with accepting that.
Now, as far as your SO not getting paid, even when giving respite, I know of no facility that offers respite care free of charge. If your MIL/FIL were using paid non-family care givers, would they expect that whatever agency that was supplying them would give them free care over the weekends? Why has your SO not broached the subject for compensation on the same pay scale as SIL when he's covering his SIL's shifts? Or has he, and he's been refused, in which case he is free to tell everyone that "no, I'm so sorry, those days don't work for me to cover, I have other things I need to tend to. You'll have to hire a different aid."
However, that doesn't mean I'm not frustrated. BW is now in the position to encourage them to research respite care or care as ADLs decline. She LIKES feeling it's just her, and I'm dreading the day these two people are crumpled in the bathroom trying to take care of "private part" issues.
Knowing whom to call for respite or for higher need help, making the call beforehand, is certainly less crazy than waiting for this dam to burst when the probability approaches 100 percent that one or both will be needed, and that's why I'm frustrated.
There's obviously no love lost between you and this SIL. She gets paid to care for 2 seniors--a very, very tough job, You aren't happy with her--so what do you plan to do? Keep this toxic go-around going around or step in and do it yourself?
Honestly, you sound so angry and unable to come to terms with this, it may be best if you take a HUGE step backwards and let it go.
And, ANYONE who is taking on hours to care for MIL and FIL should be paid, same as the horrible BW. Would that help you feel better?
I'm truly sad for the situation. It seems pretty sad and hateful, when these are ill, elderly people needing care.
DIL reinforces "toxic positivity" in that nothing negative can be said. She's always "I can take care of people NO PROBLEM." But there is, in that there is no care plan for two things in particular.
1) Respite beyond her Sat/Sun weekend. Hubs only has one day off really, as he has to actually go to work to submit paperwork on the other day. She has a full weekend already that she won't swap out with the indy because...well...she and Brother need their weekends. And so do we. If there's an emergency of course, but otherwise, she needs to swap hours with the other aide for time off, or, duh, bring in a third aide. That would be a plan.
2) ADL losses are already apparent. They could seriously be exacerbated by a) the three general-anesthesia surgeries FIL is planning to undergo in the coming months, expressly including toileting and bathing. b) MIL's probable third line cancer treatment, which carry an actually higher risk.
A plan would be talking to people who can assign non-family workers to get around incontinence/bathing/lifting issues now, right? But there is no plan, because they and Brother's Wife reinforce toxic positivity to one another.
If there was a plan, I'd feel better about it.
I think this is a sore spot for Peggy because her husband is not being paid but a DIL is and not doing the job she is being paid very well for, for someone with no experience. Her husband, BIL is reaping the rewards while other sibs are getting nothing.
I think Peggy is just ranting.
The fundamental problem here is that Brother's Wife is attempting to milk this from all sides. At $65K/year, she is a paid professional. A professional does not beg her employers to replace the money that she lost through all fault of her own by having her own meltdown at the clients. A professional, also, does not just time her social occasions with my SO's weekend, and then gaslight him with "it's you're PARRENTS" and all this when she would like to do something else. A professional would take it upon themselves to be educated about what the loss of ADLs actually is. FIL came home and wetted himself, wanna know what she did? Nothing. And probably she could do nothing. MIL cleaned him up as she didn't want her child's wife to see his penis.
It's not like most situations here where most people are unpaid. She is handsomely paid. She needs to be a professional about it, and it's about the time that she as a professional should admit she's out of her league before Something Happens To Her. Y'know?
You obviously have no love for BW.
You think she is using the IL's and trying to get money from them, b/c she was robbed (that's probably what happened--someone saw her stashing all that cash in her purse and simply robbed her and threw her purse away.
She is lying about her age (not a crime, BTW) she's had work done on her face (again, who cares?)
She's a PITA. Again, not a crime.
MIL went out to console BW for the loss of her money and fell, breaking her nose. That's sad, but it's nobody's FAULT, things like this happen. It's NOT BW's fault. Actually, quite kind of MIL.
If you hate this woman this much, I would suggest you just keep away from her and not expect any kind of relationship with her. MIL needs peace and support while she deals with multiple health issues. Don't add to the drama by making more. Cancer is no picnic and to have to deal with family issues along with it--not a great thing.
I guess I really don't get what you're trying to say. I'm sorry you feel so much anger.
The downside? She has MS, which could be aggravated. Let alone all her other conditions. She gets this and whatever, it appears likely that higher care needs will be imminent.
The mister (FIL) is not much better. At this point, he just climbs into bed with MIL, they watch TV.
The night aide (indy, not related) has had experience dealing with elders with issues that are coming. This DIL does not.