My mother moved in with me when my oldest sister dies who lived with her. My brother died when I was 9. My mother and 2 sisters have been addicted to pain meds for years. One sister comitted suicide and the other who lived with mom died when her colon died. Her body couldnt even process the pain meds anymore. Years ago I made the decision to walk away and would only hear from mom when the oldest sister drained her accounts . When she died my moms accountwas charged 983 dollars in overdraft charges alone. So my only option was to move her in. She was in the hole over 2000.00. My husband and I discussed it. We felt this may be a chance to form a friendship if nothing else.
It has been a battle since after the first 3 months. When she accused my daughters fiance of stealing her pain pills I took control of them. She is forced to go to a pain management dr to get her pain meds every 3 months. She goes in my room searching for them while we work. She accuses me of stealing her money. There is nothing wrong with my moms mind. Just this month alone she has spent 732.00 at qvc. She has spent 1000's with qvc since shes been here. Mom has copd and has oxegen in her room. In comes the worst of the argument. She smokes a pack a day in her bedroom and often dosent turn the oxegen off. Im terrified she will cause an explosion and kill us with her. When I take the cigs it turns into a horrible argument. My mother has treated her grandchildren so horribly none have been to my home for 2 years. She has a sister who will not even answer her phone when she calls. She asked a cousin if she could move in and was told no. So she informed me that I would have to have a judge remove her from my home. I accepted years ago that my mom had no use for me. At 10 years old she informed me that she couldnt believe god took johnny instead of me. I heard that for years. I would cry untill I matured and realized she was the one messed up not me.
Now I am 50 years old and taking the verbal abuse again. I hear about how fat I am and dumpy I am. I buy a new outfit and get told I look rediculous. I need some help trying to figure out how to get her out of here. I had to give her the pain meds back last week because she threatened to quit taking her other medicines and she would accuse me of keeping them from her. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Ive been happily married for 28 years to a wonderful man and have 2 beautiful daughters. We own our own home. She has her own room with a bath and never has anyone in my family not made her feel this wasnt her home too. We fix her plate every night, take her to dr. Appts, wash her clothes, and still she treats us this way. Anyone who can please guide me in the right direction I would be so grateful. I am so stressed. I cant sleep, ive gained 40 pounds and im tired everyday.
Have a blessed day
I realize this is the current reality of her way with money and her inability to want a clean environment, but I just think back to you taking food to her and leaving it at her door and her coming out, taking a can of peas out of the bag, throwing it at you and hitting you in the head while you were walking down the driveway. I wonder how many pairs of shoes she had under her bed then. Probably a few.
All I can say is.................................wait for it............................sylvester are you listening........................what a bitch!!!!
Lisa, as you said, you know your mom. She's out of your house. Change your locks and your phone number after she is settled.
Love and Hugs to you my very brave and wonderful friend. Love to Jen and Beth and Doug too. Cattails.
I have been watching and praying for your journey.
You are in God's care.
I learned so much and I want the thread to continue just so we can all stay in touch.....I've been thinking about starting a thread on why it is that people seem to think that just because someone is old/older they are sweet/nice/kind? When we with abusive parents have a crisis and have to interact with health care professionals, almost without fail, they side with the *poor* elderly parent rather than with the children, who might be reacting to decades of abuse from their parent. I get tired of the staff at my Dad's nursing home looking at me in disbelief when I say something that doesn't not put my father first. He acts all nice to them and then is terrible to us, plus they have NO idea what he did to us 25 years ago. Reading that Lisa had to keep explaining the situation at the ER and how they reacted to her in disbelief made me very angry, and I'm really sorry that it happened to her and to all of us. Congrats on your move away from torment!! When will we start working on that book? :)
Believe me the statement you made about belief is 2 sided. On one hand the parent wants everything their way just as a small child would. You know how some children will do and say anything to get their way, well so do the elderly. Most staff don't really put to much into it, but sometimes it is believable and we have to ask. Most is not. I got to the point with my mom and believe me she was a great mom but everytime I wanted to go somewhere with my husband and family she would get sick and in the hospital. I got to the point of not telling her or the facility that I was going somewhere until the day before. She did not have time to get sick that way. Some people that work in NH's have the tack of asking questions of a toad. You know how some doctors don't have bedside manners well neither nursing staff in the facilities as most are under paid for the services they are required to preform and they are over worked, And then to top it off, the families and the patients are very demanding. I sit at my desk and watch what the CNA's are required to do each day and to be honest I could not do it. I cared for my mom an grandparents because it was needed and because of who they were.
Could I do it today, only for my family. Deal only with the head nurse, social worker or the administrator is something needs addressing. Business office staff for the financial stuff otherwise everyone you talk to will give you their opinion or acct of the problem. This is the longest comment I have written yet, thanks for reading.
Lisa we are proud of you for standing up for what's right. God Bless.
All joking aside, Lisa I want you to stay close. Somewhere back Rebecca made a comment that is worth repeating. She said something like, "Sometimes the aftermath of a crisis is more difficult than the crisis." Not a direct quote and I can't go back and capture her exact words without losing this post, so I am just putting forth the jest of it. What she said is so true.
Lisa, you have had 2 years of your mom. There has to be some residual regrets and anguish here. I would not be surprised to find you struggling at some point, though I am hoping you won;t, but just be open to your feelings and share them with us. Post traumatic stress syndrome is a real thing. I'm not suggesting that you are doomed to suffer it, but I am suggesting that you be mindful of your feelings. You won't miss your mom, but you may have some difficulties as a result of having her so close for too long. It's hard to wash evil out of our lives, even she is gone. It's not like shampoo; a wash and everything is clean again.
This thread is about you. I think Rebecca and others have a lot to share here and I hope we all continue to support you and also ourselves.
Love and Hugs, Cattails.
Rebecca will find a site for your niece. Rebecca, you are a special star in the universe. Love to everyone, Cattails.
My dad is in the hospital dying. It will only be a couple of days if that. Sisters never even called me to tell me. He was sent to ICU right during dialysis yesterday. We had the big "family meeting" with his dr.'s,, and staff yesterday concerning his wishes. This is so sad, and scary especially being all alone in a room filled with 5 hateful "family" members. Youd think they'd put down their guns at this sad sad time but they are armed even more. Most difficult thing of my life. I've been staying with him for hrs. They still don't stay too long, the one good thing. Love to all.
I agree that now is the time to focus solely on your dad. The rest can wait. I wish him a peaceful loving passing. Hugs, Cattails.
lack of caring by your sibs and their nastiness to you.. What the others have said is good. You can hold you head high, that you have cared for your father so well, all these years, despite your own problems, I hope once he passes, your life opens up and is more rewarding, Hugs and prayers, Joan