Two years this July my mother has been living with me. She is a mean and hateful woman and I just can't do it anymore.

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Two years this July my mother has been living with me. She is a mean and hateful woman and I just can't do it anymore.

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My mother moved in with me when my oldest sister dies who lived with her. My brother died when I was 9. My mother and 2 sisters have been addicted to pain meds for years. One sister comitted suicide and the other who lived with mom died when her colon died. Her body couldnt even process the pain meds anymore. Years ago I made the decision to walk away and would only hear from mom when the oldest sister drained her accounts . When she died my moms accountwas charged 983 dollars in overdraft charges alone. So my only option was to move her in. She was in the hole over 2000.00. My husband and I discussed it. We felt this may be a chance to form a friendship if nothing else.

It has been a battle since after the first 3 months. When she accused my daughters fiance of stealing her pain pills I took control of them. She is forced to go to a pain management dr to get her pain meds every 3 months. She goes in my room searching for them while we work. She accuses me of stealing her money. There is nothing wrong with my moms mind. Just this month alone she has spent 732.00 at qvc. She has spent 1000's with qvc since shes been here. Mom has copd and has oxegen in her room. In comes the worst of the argument. She smokes a pack a day in her bedroom and often dosent turn the oxegen off. Im terrified she will cause an explosion and kill us with her. When I take the cigs it turns into a horrible argument. My mother has treated her grandchildren so horribly none have been to my home for 2 years. She has a sister who will not even answer her phone when she calls. She asked a cousin if she could move in and was told no. So she informed me that I would have to have a judge remove her from my home. I accepted years ago that my mom had no use for me. At 10 years old she informed me that she couldnt believe god took johnny instead of me. I heard that for years. I would cry untill I matured and realized she was the one messed up not me.

Now I am 50 years old and taking the verbal abuse again. I hear about how fat I am and dumpy I am. I buy a new outfit and get told I look rediculous. I need some help trying to figure out how to get her out of here. I had to give her the pain meds back last week because she threatened to quit taking her other medicines and she would accuse me of keeping them from her. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Ive been happily married for 28 years to a wonderful man and have 2 beautiful daughters. We own our own home. She has her own room with a bath and never has anyone in my family not made her feel this wasnt her home too. We fix her plate every night, take her to dr. Appts, wash her clothes, and still she treats us this way. Anyone who can please guide me in the right direction I would be so grateful. I am so stressed. I cant sleep, ive gained 40 pounds and im tired everyday.

Have a blessed day

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S Survived2 May 2012 · Answer 1 · 2012-05-18T20:08:05.000-0400

Happy Friday everyone. I'm actuall sitting here with the whole evening to myself. Doug, Chris and Jennifer went fishing, and then at dark they will be frog gigging. Yuk! The fishing I love. Keep the frogs. They've been gone an hour and already called twice. I feel like they are scared to leave me alone because they think something may happen with mom or nephew. I wish I could make them understand I'm ok. Remember I said it was awful telling things to the social worker in front of Jen? I never ever wanted her to hurt for me. And I know she does. When she looks at me? I swear I see a new respect in her eyes. I don't know how to explain it? And she asks me everyday, " have you spoke with the kick ass girls today?" I need to make them understand I survived a childhood with that woman. I came out stronger and I will this time too.

1 195Austin May 2012 · Answer 2 · 2012-05-18T20:22:14.000-0400

I am also thinking of my childhood and am still so angery with my mother-but my sister and I are closer since I talked with her about it-she is 7 years younger and did not know a lot of what went on and I know I will never have a good relationship with our mother but as my sister says she and our aunt rewrite history and she never says she is sorry for anything and I know if we talked about she would denie everything that was bad.

S Survived2 May 2012 · Answer 3 · 2012-05-18T20:57:53.000-0400

I know Austin. My mom has never ever accepted responsibility for the horrible physical and verbal abuse she dished out. At times I've brought her abuse of myself and the middle sister. She would get furious. And then actually believe that she could make me remember it differently. So one time I went and put pajama bottoms on that I could pull up and make her look at the scars on the inside of my thighs where the end of that orange rubber race track would snap. I'm a firm believer that you reap what you sow. She's been reaping for a long time. I found out when I was 16 I had a different father than the other 3. She never would tell me who he was. My grandma gave me his name before she died. When I was 8 months pregnant with Jen mom called me at work and told me he died. She would take me to funeral home if I wanted. Told her no thanks. I hung up. I found out I had a brother and sister out ther. Doug and I started looking. I first found my uncle. He was federal judge Ron Meredith. I went to meet him in his chambers. Within a week, he flew my siblings in to meet me. Of course mom was livid. In the end, we email each other and call. I had to shield them from my toxic family the same as I did my girls. My uncle died of cancer 7 years after I found him. 7 years I'll always treasure. So Austin hold onto your sister. What I wouldn't give to have that friendship with someone I grew up with. I believe in not mincing words. This is just my way but I had to address these acts of violence towards me. She didn't have to verbally admit it. It was in her eyes

J JudymW May 2012 · Answer 4 · 2012-05-18T21:06:59.000-0400

End of my rope! I keep checking back to see if you've posted about your dad. I'm so sorry. You've been on my mind all day. This website is pretty addictive once you start chatting and feel that you know a few people a little tiny bit. Invisible friends. I've always wanted one.

S Survived2 May 2012 · Answer 5 · 2012-05-18T22:32:12.000-0400

How appropriate Judy. We all have an invisible friend. I like it. Like you I sure hope eomr can get back and let us know how things are going. Unfortunately I've seen death drive families further apart. I pray for so much better for her. You are in all our prayers girl!

A anonymous95109 May 2012 · Answer 6 · 2012-05-19T01:01:36.000-0400

Austin and Lisa: I never had it anywhere as bad as you two. I was the oldest of our and my parents just felt the need to be harsh and I think I was just a sensitive soul. My dad was raised by a father that was pretty harsh too. Sins of the father so to speak. I remember once, I was in grammar school and I lied to my dad about something because I didn't want a beating. Well, he caught me in the lie and he told me he was going to call the school principal. He was going to have the principal call an assembly out on the play ground and he was going to have me stand up on a stage with the principal while he told all the kids and teachers what a liar I was. For months I was afraid to go to school. My teachers liked me and it was a place where I did well. I just knew that I would lose their respect and be all alone.

After my parents moved here, I was driving with my mom one day and childhood stuff came up in the conversation. I told her about what my dad had said and she actually remembered it. She said, "Oh yeah, I remember that. I didn't think it was very nice." If she would have just said that to me then, when I was a child, it would have meant so much. She was never one to make me feel good about myself.

My brother had an imaginary friend. His name was Keith and he lived in the night light in his room. We use to call him "mouth full of teeth Keith." Don't remember if he had teeth, guess he must have.

Well all of you friends are not imaginary or invisible. You are as real as the air I breath and I am grateful for each and every one of you.

Good night and God Bless. Cattails.

G golden23 May 2012 · Answer 7 · 2012-05-19T08:03:46.000-0400

(((((((Lisa)))))) you are one strong woman. Mother denies everything too, or rationalizes it quote "The reason I said that to you when you were a teen was to stop you from becoming a prostitute",. Oh yes, mother, I am sure your hurftul, twisted words stopped me from becoming a prostitute. There was so much insanity. Thankfully, and I give all the glory to God, I knew from an early age it was crazy, and I also knew it wasn't me.I remember at a very young age thinking it through, and accepting I was not perfect, and I would make mistakes, but even though I did make mistakes, no one deserved the treatment I was getting. When I say mistakes, I was a pretty normal kid who played with her friends, and actually did very well in school, though it was never worth of any praise. A mistake which warranted being ripped up verbally was, for example, not cleaning the kitchen table properly when I was about 8 years old, and believe me, I tried my very best to do a good job. I am so glad those days are long gone.

1 195Austin May 2012 · Answer 8 · 2012-05-19T08:28:43.000-0400

Me too I was caring for my sister when I was 7 and her and my brother when I was 9 and expected to clean the house while she worked now a days that would be child abuse.

E eldestdaughter May 2012 · Answer 9 · 2012-05-19T09:37:55.000-0400

I *really* like "The Kick Ass Girls"!!!!!! Can we get matching t-shirts!?!?!?!

Am glad to see that there are no new posts about "mom"...no news is good news.

Thinking about EOMR and hoping she is finding strength to meet her challenge head on.

Peace to you all.

E endofmyrope1111 May 2012 · Answer 10 · 2012-05-19T10:00:50.000-0400

Thank you guys. He is still hanging in there, and is aware and talking. I've been with him by his bed talking with him, watching tv, and falling asleep too!!! My siblings don't seem to be around much. I've been there about 9hrs a day, and haven't run into any of them! Weird. They actually took him out of ICU today! He's a little better, but he cannot sustain it now. It's been fine, and I could care less about the others. None of that matters one bit. Love you all, and will keep you updated. Thank you for always being here. LOVE

E endofmyrope1111 May 2012 · Answer 11 · 2012-05-19T10:03:06.000-0400

Thank you guys. He is still hanging in there, and is aware and talking. I've been with him by his bed talking with him, watching tv, and falling asleep too!!! My siblings don't seem to be around much. I've been there about 9hrs a day, and haven't run into any of them! Weird. They actually took him out of ICU today! He's a little better, but he cannot sustain it now. It's been fine, and I could care less about the others. None of that matters one bit. Love you all, and will keep you updated. Thank you for always being here. LOVE

S Survived2 May 2012 · Answer 12 · 2012-05-19T21:26:37.000-0400

So we had a very productive day today. Room packed and on the pallet in the garage. All that's in the room is the dresser oxygen tanks and her tv and computer. My niece and her 3 teenagers sure came thru for me. I took picture earlier this week of all her jewelry so she can't come back and say any was stolen. I got a phone call from the nephew this morning about packing the room. Better not be anything missing.I'm sorry aunt Lisa but I promised her I would deliver the message. Well, there will be things missing. I'm keeping the cross that was on my brothers casket. His first and only bank account book. He opened that account when he was paid his first 2$ washing cars at the car lot on the corner. 4 days later he walked me to the bank with him and withdrew 1$ and took me for an ice cream at haywoods ice cream parlor. That was the very last time he was able to leave the house on his own before he was hospitalized for his brain tumor. I went thru the pictures and gave my great nieces pictures of their grandmother. I kept the ones to hold for them till they are older and have their own home. Then I'll have them framed. I kept pictures of my other sister, who mom ripped the rosary beads out of her hands in the casket. I say ripped out because she jerked the rosary so hard we had to get the funeral directer in ther to replace her hands correctly. I took all the pictures of her except a few. My niece and nephew deserve those. I also took the rosary. My niece will get that. I'm thinking some might think it's wrong to keep these things and I should wait till her death. But I know they will disappear. She will burn them before any one of her grandchildren get them. This has been the first time I've looked thru the albums in years. Looking thru albums of your childhood should bring back happy memories. And there were a couple but mostly such sadness. I counted only 11 pictures of myself. The other 3 had pictures of their communion. She never allowed me to make my first communion. When I asked why years later? Because I was born a bastard. This day has brought me so much sadness. My mind won't quit racing. Just keep thinking why??? Pics of their birthday parties? None of mine. Because I only remember having 2 birthday parties my whole life. If she despised my existence that badly, why didn't she just give me away at birth. But I just tell myself because I wouldn't have met my soulmate. We were meant to be right here where we are right now. Thanks for listening my friends.

1 195Austin May 2012 · Answer 13 · 2012-05-19T21:40:31.000-0400

Elisa you are very strong and thoughful of other family members giving them things they would want-thinking back there were very few pictures of me taken also-I do have two one of me getting ready for the bus and one of my father taken when he was in the army in Japan other than those I guess my mother has of my sister and brothers-I will probably never get any of them-I am ok with her not ever liking me-it is what it is and I accept that-I never got hugs from her and usually not even a good night when growing up-I remember calling myself Cinderella-but all that worked for good because I learned to be kind to others along the way.

J JaneB May 2012 · Answer 14 · 2012-05-19T22:27:59.000-0400

Oh, Lisa. I am so sorry you've had to live with this. And Austin, too. And so many others who have lived similar stories. Lives, not just stories. My heart goes out to you. And my gratitude to you for sharing the memories, as well as for the ways you have come through it. Your are an extraordinary person. And I am so so glad that woman is put of your house.

S ShadowChild1 May 2012 · Answer 15 · 2012-05-19T22:33:10.000-0400

Lisa, I think you have done the right thing by everyone. You and I must have been born as our mother's mental illnesses started becoming evident.I just remember watching her in confused horror at times . It does not make it easier on any of us, including you Austin, but we are stronger and kinder women as a result. I am grateful to all of you for adding to the love and strength we did not receive from our mothers but still need.

L LindaGS May 2012 · Answer 16 · 2012-05-19T22:45:51.000-0400

We are here for you and will continue to be here.

A anonymous95109 May 2012 · Answer 17 · 2012-05-19T22:58:18.000-0400

Lisa, Bless you and thanks for sharing. It is sad and you just have to be with those feelings. It's the beginning of a new process. Thanks for thinking of your niece and nephew, that's so like you. Photos and keepsakes will mean a great deal to them.

Austin and Rebecca, I hope God gives your hearts comfort.

Endof: Hoping the best for your father.

Love to all, Cattails

L ladee1 May 2012 · Answer 18 · 2012-05-20T00:28:50.000-0400

This thread is what this sight is all about... love, support, hugs, encourgement, open mindedness, hearing progress by the original poster, and Lisa you having the courage to share the pain.... so many of us had this kind of childhood, myself included... but I like what Austin said, the person she became had nothing to do with how she was raised... so many of us have transcended the abuse, went on to be very loving and caring people... and God made sure we all got to cross paths, and I had two invisible friends growing up... Weedy and Kunkle.... I'm sure they were my saviours on more than one occasion.... so here we are, grown ups, and loving and supporting like minded folks... so much to be grateful for.... thank you all, it 's very uplifting to come here and read.... hugs to all of you...

E endofmyrope1111 May 2012 · Answer 19 · 2012-05-20T11:07:38.000-0400

"And in the end the love you make is equal to the love you take"

~ John Lennon

This is not about romantic love. It is about a higher form of love. The truth is that there is only one single truth in life. It all boils down to the one and only element be all desire, and that is LOVE. The rest despite how hurtful it may be is not real. It is surface negativity to mask our pain, and each and every one of is suffering. Our abusive parents, family members, friends and strangers are carrying deep old pain. We cling to it like armor fearing if we let lt down we will die. Some of us don't know how to dig our ways out of our own hells. It takes courage and work. In times of deep crisis we can either hang on for dear life to out angers, and grudges in order to deal with guilt, hurt and the need to blame others. That . . . That is the very time we must rise up to our higher selves, and forgive everything. It's called unconditional love; a term most of us think we have but in truth are unable to truly give. My father after spending his entire life doing nothing but giving to his whole family has for the first time for one thing. He asked that we all make up, and be a loving family. In front of he, and the rest of my very hateful family I apologized for any pain I have ever brought them. I sincerely with all my heart in front of dad asked them if we could start fresh from this moment to make a clean start forgiving everything hurtful we have brought to each other. They waved it off, and continued to point their fingers at me. I told them this is not unconditional; not what dad has requested. Still, despite their cold words of saying they have nothing to forgive in completely insincerity I told them I would try till my dying day. I will not see them when dad dies but I will have my therapist call them twice a month asking them to please come in to honor dads last, and only wish. I told them how much I love them, and how this is all I also ever wanted; just love between us all. They each said they would not come to any meetings in front of dad, but I refused to bite on any crap. My father was elated, and so please that I reached out right there in front of him. He wants to believe this so much, and despite my belief that they will never give this I feel I at least honored his wishes, and he knows it for real. Yes my friends, the one and only truth in this cruel world we live in is LOVE . . . Period. Thank you all for helping me get through these last hellish years. I know I didn't get to know you as much as you all did but I was all wrapped in a horrible situation, and caring for him 24/7. I lived here with him, and had to ward off a family that constantly attacked me. I will continue to stay in touch when he's gone to help in any way I can. LOVE to all you ANGELS. YOU are all EXTRAORDINARY HUMAN BEINGS.

1 195Austin May 2012 · Answer 20 · 2012-05-20T13:49:48.000-0400

End of you took the high road and tried to fullfill his request and am so sorry they blew you off but I think it made him very happy for what you did.

E endofmyrope1111 May 2012 · Answer 21 · 2012-05-20T14:21:28.000-0400

It was all I had to give him, and the only thing he asked for. They will have to live with their choices. He has always worn rose colored glasses, and I feel he totally believes we are all on the page of being together. That's good enough for me. It's about him now . . . Not us. Generosity and forgiveness come from deep in our souls. We are either capable of it or not. It feels so good to forgive . . . for real. Dad at least knows I have given my all for him. LOVE

S Survived2 May 2012 · Answer 22 · 2012-05-20T20:25:57.000-0400

I had a nice day today. Doug and I went to the flea market today with Jen and Chris. Then we went with them to see a house at their 3:30 appt. The man who owned it was building it slowly and had a mobile home sitting on the property he lived in while building. He suffered from a disease and died at 42 years old a couple of years ago. The house is not completed. But the kitchen is beautiful. All the materials to finish it are there. It's just a matter of finishing the work. It sits on 11 acres with a pond. We all fell in love with it. They are pre approved for their loan but don't know how the house not being finished will affect that. It was so nice being out and not having to worry about coming home to mayhem. I hope everyone's day has been as nice as mine. End of, I'm sure you are right. Your father knows you given your all. We are all here for you. You and your family are still in my prayers.

J JudymW May 2012 · Answer 23 · 2012-05-20T23:03:03.000-0400

Lisa, sounds like you had a great day. Good. You've needed great days for a long time now. Your posts make me smile, knowing how bumpy your road to these great days has been.
Endofmyrope, you inspire me with how forgiving you are. Truly. My jaw was hanging open when I read how your siblings reacted to you.
As for me.. a dang scorpion stung my foot last night and I'm still all tingles and a bit pukey. Icing my toe. Shopping at a flea market with Lisa and SuperDoug sounds like much more fun than icing my fat foot. It could be worse though.. my friend got stung on her butt when she sat down on her bed a few weeks ago! (And it gave me a good excuse to stay home from Mom's today. I'd intended on going over there but I'd rather get stung by scorpions :)

A anonymous95109 May 2012 · Answer 24 · 2012-05-20T23:42:38.000-0400

Lisa: Your day seems like a relaxing dream. How lovely and how deserved. Life is good.

JudymW: My poor angel: Damn those nasty scorpions. Don't have em in Washington. Come live by me!!!!

Endo: Take care and God Bless.

How's our Rebecca doing?

Love to all, Cattails

S Survived2 May 2012 · Answer 25 · 2012-05-21T04:25:27.000-0400

Scorpion???? Oh lord, they'd have to throw me in icu. I have a bug phobia. I run from large flys. And cat, is that Washington DC? My favorite place in the world. Went there for my 25th anniversary. Everyone thought we were nuts. Go on a cruise. Not us. History buffs here. There 5 days and still didn't see it all. Well, off to work. 6 more days! Off tomorrow for elections. Our schools are used for voting. Yea!!!

E endofmyrope1111 May 2012 · Answer 26 · 2012-05-21T09:52:40.000-0400

They gave dad a med that raises the blood pressure a little, but he's actually getting dialysis today. Don't know if he'll make it through or not. He's still holding on! Tough guy my father is. Judy . . . a scorpion????? They are creepy, and sneaky too!!!! They say if you put some pee on it really helps. It definitely works on other bites; I've done it ;"). I hope it heals quickly (try the pee!).

Everyone seems to be a bit better. It's good to see such soothing posts for a change. Off to be with dad. Love to all.

S Survived2 May 2012 · Answer 27 · 2012-05-21T11:24:27.000-0400

Ughh...let the arguing begin. First phone call an hour ago. The nephew angry that I won't go to the apt to set it up. He already knew this. I've told him repeatedly to set up the u- haul for 19.95 and it would move her things in one trip. She can very well afford it. Now she's wanting furniture out of our house that she seems to think we have no use for. She said shell sign a piece of paper that we get it back when she dies. Hello???? Doug has gotten old furniture over the years and spends months at a time restoring them. We have some beautiful pieces. So no mother, what we don't need will go to Jennifer and Chris when they get their home. We knew it was coming. Doug docent know any of this yet. I'll see how it goes, but we just may have to change our home and mobile numbers. But then that leaves dougs work phones. The knot in my stomach seems to be winding up again. Nephew will be here Friday night to start getting her clothes. That will take at least 3 trips in his van.then he will move all the rest Sunday. It's almost over. While I've sat here typing the phone has rang 3 more times. It's happening. She's pissed. She's had time to work up a good mad. Jen told me just keep thinking, " life is good again"

1 195Austin May 2012 · Answer 28 · 2012-05-21T12:07:43.000-0400

Elisa just let the phone ring off the hook-she will get tired of that after a while -hang in there now all she can do push buttons-if you have called ID let it get your calls and turn down the volume that is what I did with my husband while in rehab -then usually delated the calls because I knew the script.

S Survived2 May 2012 · Answer 29 · 2012-05-21T12:22:57.000-0400

Good idea Austin. Jen even suggested letting her leave her angry messages on the service. Then if it gets out of control, see if our provider can somehow give us a copy of messages. Turning phones down isn't an option. Always need them for Beth in case her transportation gets messed up and it does often. Plus my in laws. There health hasn't been the best. Nothing life threatening, but we are only a mile from them if they need us. My hands are tied. Only 5 more nights I have to worry bout work and getting up. I just don't know how to do this.

D diavalon12 May 2012 · Answer 30 · 2012-05-21T13:13:45.000-0400

If everyone has cell phones then unplug the house phones until this is over. Let your inlaws know to call Doug at the office or on the cell. Quiet only lasts for a short time but at least you had a nice weekend :) Hang in there, only a few more days.

Two years this July my mother has been living with me. She is a mean and hateful woman and I just can't do it anymore.

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