My mother moved in with me when my oldest sister dies who lived with her. My brother died when I was 9. My mother and 2 sisters have been addicted to pain meds for years. One sister comitted suicide and the other who lived with mom died when her colon died. Her body couldnt even process the pain meds anymore. Years ago I made the decision to walk away and would only hear from mom when the oldest sister drained her accounts . When she died my moms accountwas charged 983 dollars in overdraft charges alone. So my only option was to move her in. She was in the hole over 2000.00. My husband and I discussed it. We felt this may be a chance to form a friendship if nothing else.
It has been a battle since after the first 3 months. When she accused my daughters fiance of stealing her pain pills I took control of them. She is forced to go to a pain management dr to get her pain meds every 3 months. She goes in my room searching for them while we work. She accuses me of stealing her money. There is nothing wrong with my moms mind. Just this month alone she has spent 732.00 at qvc. She has spent 1000's with qvc since shes been here. Mom has copd and has oxegen in her room. In comes the worst of the argument. She smokes a pack a day in her bedroom and often dosent turn the oxegen off. Im terrified she will cause an explosion and kill us with her. When I take the cigs it turns into a horrible argument. My mother has treated her grandchildren so horribly none have been to my home for 2 years. She has a sister who will not even answer her phone when she calls. She asked a cousin if she could move in and was told no. So she informed me that I would have to have a judge remove her from my home. I accepted years ago that my mom had no use for me. At 10 years old she informed me that she couldnt believe god took johnny instead of me. I heard that for years. I would cry untill I matured and realized she was the one messed up not me.
Now I am 50 years old and taking the verbal abuse again. I hear about how fat I am and dumpy I am. I buy a new outfit and get told I look rediculous. I need some help trying to figure out how to get her out of here. I had to give her the pain meds back last week because she threatened to quit taking her other medicines and she would accuse me of keeping them from her. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Ive been happily married for 28 years to a wonderful man and have 2 beautiful daughters. We own our own home. She has her own room with a bath and never has anyone in my family not made her feel this wasnt her home too. We fix her plate every night, take her to dr. Appts, wash her clothes, and still she treats us this way. Anyone who can please guide me in the right direction I would be so grateful. I am so stressed. I cant sleep, ive gained 40 pounds and im tired everyday.
Have a blessed day
Does your Nephew have $20.00 for the moving van? He might also be required to have a credit card. If these are problems for him, he may rather just make a number of trips rather than have to deal with your mom and the U-Haul company. Just wondering if this could be holding him up.
Didn't you have some nieces that were going to help move your mom's stuff at one time? Can they be contacted and asked to help your nephew.
Do you have caller ID? If not, call the phone company and have it added asap. It can be done right away. If you have it, then you know when your mom is calling and you can just let it ring.
Maybe I suffer from a mental problem, but I would be laughing my ass off that she is calling and leaving hateful messages. To hell with her. She can't do anything to you.
The furniture belongs to you, so the answer is NO. She can pitch a fit and fall in it, but the answer is still NO. Maybe nephew can take her to Wally World, Costco, or wherever for a chair or chest. Is her new abode furnished? Either way, not your problem. She can skip on line shopping and put her money towards what she needs. It's got nothing to do with you.
I suggested some time back that you change your phone number. Others have mentioned it too. I seriously think you will need to do that once she gets moved. She's going to get pissed off from time to time and she will call you, especially when she finds some of her photos missing. Maybe you can all, including Doug's office, check with your phone providers and see if you can block her phone number from calling your home. I don't know if that possible, but it would be an easy solution.
I also would suggest that you change the locks on your house or add additional security locks. If you have a home alarm system, change the code.
Here's the good news. She is not under your roof anymore. She can't come and bang on your bedroom door in the middle of the night anymore. And there are solutions to her nasty phone habits.
My heart goes out to you, but you will get through this week. You keep posting and letting us know what's going on. Remember, Breath, hahahahahaha, breath, hahahaha.
Love and Hugs, Cattails
I don't think she will be walking to other locations to find a phone to call you from. If she does and you answer the phone, just tell her that you do not want to talk to her and hang up. It might be good to keep a log of the number of times she calls.
I agree that if Doug has numerous clients, then it's not really practical to change the home phone number. Let's find another way to skin this cat....ouch, that hurt, but you get what I'm saying. There has to be a way.
I hope Beth gets a good laugh out of this when you've explained it to her.
Keep us posted. It'd never dull and we love you.
Cattails.
My story goes as such: My mother was always a strong, independent, rather intelligent woman with a few bad habits. She birthed 2 daughters, my sister who is 55 and lived off of mom all her life because of her drug addictions and lack of responsibility and me. I am now 49 and I too was an addict who became sober 8 years ago. The difference in my sister and I is that I have always supported myself and I own my home, have a long term job since I got sober and have a family of my better half, my 2 daughters and 2 granddaughters.
The plot thickens: I have custody of my oldest granddaughter who of course lives with me, and have a strained relationship with her mother who left her, although we are working on improving it. My youngest daughter,21, lives with us with her 5 month old baby, and now my mother has lived with us for almost 2 years. We moved her out to the country to our home when my sister continually threatened mom for $ from my uncles estate when he passed away 3 years ago and finally, eventually scared mom enough and hurt mom enough with her hateful words that mom called me crying and said "something had to change and I don't feel safe any longer". That was Octoer 12, 2010 and I found her a house out here in the country and moved her by November 1, 2010. SHE NEVER SPENT ONE NIGHT IN THAT HOUSE AND HAS LIVED WITH ME EVER SINCE!
The plot gets even thicker: I helped mom in every aspect of handling my uncles estate as she was the only heir, yet unable to drive the many miles to his ranch, unable to wokr the 100 head herd he had raised, unable to disperse of the cattle and haul them to auction as directed by the judge, unable to clean the rtanch house or move his antique belongings, etc...my hubby and I did it all, ALONE, WITHOUT HELP, because we knew she could not and knew my uncle would want his belongings taken care of and knew it was the right thing to do. This went on for 2 years...in the beginning of this adversity and while she needed me, mom was pleasant and grateful and oh so happy that I was there to help. I compiled information for the attorneys, did all sorts of running and everything involved in attempting to get the estate settled so that she would have that handsome figure to live her life out comfortably as the sole heir. As time went on, I continued to ask what else needed to be done and she assured me things were being taken care of...yet much to my surprise, she didn't file taxes and then...WORTE THE IRS A $5000 HOT CHECK! So, now there is much to do to get things seteled but she has removed me from being able to communicate wioth the atty...for some strange reason. I DO have a medical and financial POA however, but really never thought I would need them. I just want her to have the $ my uncle worked all his life for to use for a comfortable assisted living home. Momma cannot live alone as she ends up living in filth, cat pee smelling dirt with month old dished and a floor covered with junk and papers and God only knows what else. It took me 2 days to clean her last apartment when I moved her in 2010!
The thickest plot: Mom has become mean, argumentative, hateful, hurtful, demanding, and honestly irritating. She OVER corrects my granddaughter, makes rude remarks to me continually to the point where now I jsut do not speak, lest I become short or terse. She sent me flowers at work today with a message that said "Thank you for being there for me. I want to do the same for you. Mother" yet told my oldest daughter that the only reason she sent them was to "see how I would react"...ummm...I think nthat is really messed up...and it makes me horribly sad.
Asking for help: I am lost. I do not know what to do. I do not know where she stands monetarily. I do not know how to help her and really am honestly losing the drive to help and I know that sounds horrible, but it is the truth. I am worn out. Hurt. Tired. I have enough to do in caring for my 3 year old granddaughter that I have custody/conservatorship over, directing my youngest daughter and assisting in my the care of my youngest 5 month old granddaughter, working full time, TRYING to have SOME semblance of a relationship with, helping others in recovery, my better half and STILL have a little "me" time...but all of these things are emotionally fulfilling and spiritually fulfilling to me. I am truly sad to say that my own mom is emotionally, spiritually and even physically draining me...
Conclusion: I do love my momma. She has helped me many times throughout my life but I really don't think she is all there. I KNOW she is putting a strain on my happiness and on the balance in our already-challenging home situation. I do not know where to draw the line. I do NOT have the money to pay for a alternate place for her to live either though...and I fear the IRS and/or the state will take what inheritance is left from my uncle as she has not files taxes in many, many years...like 8-10 years. So, I genuinely need direction, suggestions and prayers, and I would be so grateful to receive them all from experienced, empathetic individuals who really understand what I am going through.
God bless you each and every one who is in these difficult situation or knows of those who are...we can survive and do nto have to be riddled with guilt...I truly believe this...amen~
Please don't take this as criticism, as that is not my intention. Disregard my suggestion if it doesn't seem helpful.
Actual response later ...
I have crazy song ringtone for my kids, because they are the only humans that get to interrupt me. My everyday ringtone is one chime. (less than a door bell). I ignore it alot.
you kinda want the opposite.
Take a deep breath. Tell Doug about the dry heaving. Tell NEPHEW about the dry heaving. Tell him your energy is not about him, but about Mom. That you really need this stuff out of the house, like a life and death emergency. That you aren't mad at him, but frustrated that the Mom schtuff keeps hanging on. That you probably let it go too long but this is where we are.
Your nerves ARE shot. That is okay, it really is. Deep breath. Tell everyone what is really true here. Take a walk out th back door and use up some of you excess energy. Take another deep breath. And remember that, whatever your issues are with nephew, he is helping you now. It's not what you're wishing for, but it's better than what anyone else has done. Deep breath. Deeeeeeep breath.
We're breathing with you, sweetie. We are. Xoxoxoxoxxojb
You'll get there.