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Good for you Lisa!!!!! At this moment, what are your thoughts on getting involved with the police interview? Sending you tons of love, Cattails
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Lisa, U have the power now, own it! Try to view mom's behavior's as some combo between 2 year old and immature teenager temper tantrum. Two factors at play in all her behaviors: 1-abuser, 2-addict. Both sicknesses rely heavily on a well developed, highly skilled ability to deceive and manipulate. The core issue in abuse is, wait for it: POWER AND CONTROL. Mom lost-she will do everything she can come up w/ to regain her power and control over u. I repeat: YOU WON. put your winnings in your pocket and step away! Mom will throw out every way she can come up w to snare you back. We've seen/heard about the hate look and the you'll pay for this laugh before. I think that pitiful strategy was employed with the "you'll have to get a court order/judge to get me out of your house" SNICKER, SNICKER, SNORT, SNORT?? if ur nephew were still available as a target, she'd be going for him. The new housing is full of pro's who have the power to send her to a psych unit or jail if she shows out there. So, who is next in line? Yep, our Lisa. Don't engage with her. You are busy getting ur life back. Choose that, NOT: I want others to realize I am a good daughter or I have to do what I can, she's my mom. Getting groceries is just the ploy she thought would pull at ur heartstrings. Afterall, u took her food, back when she did the greenbean toss; don't go there again! Don't worry 'bout what those social workers think, let them enjoy their own learning curve w mom. New mantra, this time a question: will this re-engage me OR help me get my life back? Which do I want? Lisa, you r smarter than mom, she is just very persistent. Eventually, if u don't reinforce her behaviors, she will tire of getting nowhere w u, n she will find another target. Mom is not good for u. God sent you another family, keep running to them ( and us). We all love u and know you can get all the way home. Finish ur laundry, get that bathing suit packed! One more thing, when I kept getting sucked in, I put a little sign on my phone: "NO". My wonderful husband would have advised "HELL NO" had I known him then! Engaging or getting my life back?!! Going to the lake... Woohoo! Luv u, kim
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Boy what an eventful weekend. The Church pinic sounds like so much fun. Sorry girls I only get this thread on my work computer, so on Monday morning I need to catch up. I believe Lisa, that support of the ladies here only have you best interest at heart and I myself have wanted to cry for you and some of the comments have made me laugh so hard I had tear coming. Regardless of what religion you pratice or if you do not practice at all, God only says to pray to him, but he does not alway say yes. Lisa I will say you are doing you best with what you have been dealt. You have the right to be happy and the drama will continue until MOM decides you will not come when called. I am so happy that so many ladies are here to offer advise and solutions that you can pick and choise which ones to think about. I'm glad to be a part of this thread.. God Bless
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Cat, I know I've gotten some advice that recommends that I do it. But you know something? Saturday and Sunday were amazing for our family. No contact with her did that. Dosen't that prove I'm on the right track? I just came from the grocery, shopping for our trip and just had to leave before I was finished. For crying out loud! I started tearing up. It just took that one freaking phone call with her nastiness. So here's my decision. I will not go to that meeting with her and those detectives. I just can't handle it. I truly feel like I'm making progress with moving forward. The grocery trip just proved to me this isn't going to be as easy as I was hoping. And actually I'm pretty discusted with my self. I know the nephew needs to be held accountable. And I hope he is. They are just going to have to do it without me.
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Sorry you feel bad, cause u r wonderful! Progress comes in fits n spurts, over many steps-few forward n one back, then3 or 4 or 5 forward n 1 or 2 back. Just keep putting 1 foot in front of the other, as u have been. All the emotions are normal-still hard, but normal. You ARE getting there--look how far u have come! And so fast too! Please don't beat urself up-YOU ROCK! Sometimes we need some anger to keep the boundary in place. If ur mom could show love, she would; you are very lovable. It is her-it is not you. We all love you and are standing in as moms and sisters for you: we've got your back. U have to b exhausted, VaCa will def help. I love the irony: I'm gonna laugh cause u were at the grocery NOT getting mom' groceries, I'm telling' u, YOU ROCK. u can do this- YOU ARE DOING IT! and we're all here to help you. Buckets of love and hugs from all of ur kick ass buddies. Hold your head up high!
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I agree with you 100%. Stay out of everything. If you recall, I suggested you go to the meeting with the cops, but after giving it more thought and listening to Ladee's thoughts, I changed my mind. I talked to my hubby about it as he is retired for police work and he's the one that pointed out to me that you were not a witness to what was said when she gave your nephew the card and you were not present when your nephew used the card. Really, you have nothing to do with the whole mess.

I'm sorry for the tears at the grocery store. You'll get the shopping done. It's just part of the process. Be kind to yourself and don't feel disgusted with yourself for the behavior of two stupid people and the problems they create for themselves. It will always be something and your true responsibility is to yourself and your family.

Big hugs to you, Lisa. Love, Cattails
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Here's the thing -- every single time you del bad about interacting with her, or BECAUSE you are interacting with her -- just remind yourself that it's so much better now than when it was down the hall. AND each time will have less and less sting in it, because you are healing over the open wounds she created there. Go, Lisa!
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By the way, Lisa, you are doing great. You are making huge progress and I hope you don't think any of us on the thread think differently. We all may have gone a little ape shit on the advise when the grocery shopping thing came up. For me, I could just see the progression. Starts with the court case (which I mistakenly encouraged you to sit in with the interview), then the calls for grocery shopping and all of a sudden, wham, it feels like quicksand up to your waist and getting higher. That just reinforced to me that this will never stop. If I came across too strongly and, as a result, made you feel like you were not being strong enough, I sincerely apologize. You are a shinning star.

You just keep posting. We all admire your courage and will support you all the way.

Love, Cattails
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Well, I had a few more phone calls from mom. All except one she hung up on before the answering service got it. Lisa, a need a big favor. I'm out of my warfarin after tomorrow. It's ready at the pharmacy. I need u to bring it to me. Call me back. No. Called Paul at pharmacy and asked if they were no longer delivering her Meds because she moved. Absolutely not Lisa. We told her we would have it delivered tomorrow but she said you are picking it up. So I told him I will no longer be picking up her Meds and that's she needs to have them delivered from now on. Not a problem Lisa, we'll have it to her tomorrow. The woman has called me stupid for so long, she believes it. Swear I'm gonna take the holy water from my fireplace mantle and go spray her ass down. Eeeeek
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Lisa: LMAO. You are so damn smart!!!!!!!! Hahahahahaha Breath Hahahahaha. Your mom has spent the day spinning her web and you just blew a big hole in it. AND, you didn't even have to talk to her. Good for you!!!! Now you be careful with that Holy water. It could just make her head spin around. Eeeeeek

PLEASE keep us posted. When are you leaving for the lake? Wednesday?

Love Ya, Cattails
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Please Lisa, don't waste that holy water, you need to save it to throw around the room she stayed in before you start redecorating... as everyone is saying, you are doing awesome..... no one said saying no and meaning it would be easy, but as was also said, everytime you do it you get stronger and stronger.... Sorry, I can't help but laugh thinking about the look on her face when they deliver those meds tomorrow..... go Lisa clap clap, go Lisa clap clap.... you got it goin' on.... and am very proud of you for giving the 'statement' thing some thought....one less thing she can get her hooks in you about..... and believe it or not, there will come a time when it doesn't bother you to NOT answer the phone.... is your family just too damned proud of you or what... I know this one is..... hugs across the miles.....
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And wanted to say I love what Kimbee suggested about you asking yourself if it was going to cause you to re engage with her or get your life back... i'm using this one in my own life.... great idea.... thanks Kimbee...
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I missed Kimbee's awesome response. Somehow I skipped over it. I went back and read it and it is so right on the money. Hugs, Cattails
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"The woman has called me stupid for so long, she believes it." I absolutely love it! There are a lot of good one-liners throughout the thread. Some are yours, some other people contributed. If you are ever having a hard time falling asleep, for a diversion go through the posts and pick out the gems. Write them on small index cards, one per card. Carry the deck with you for a quick word of widom when you need it!
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You had a good one Jeanne. What was it, a soap opera slogan. Please repeat so I don't have to go through all 600 plus posts. I remember it made me laugh out loud.
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I just finished reading this thread. It has been all day. and It's now 10:30pm. I am soooo amazed at your journey Lisa. I believe that God puts strong people in a family to stop the domino effect. You have broken the disfunction in the family chain. I've seen your question on the caregiver forum for a little while, I'm new to the site. It took me a while to have the courage to read the question. It seemed so overwhelming to me. But immediately after reading I saw amazing change. I was really uplifted. You have given me the desire to make changes even though I haven't had to deal with the trials you have. I wish I could give you a hug! Oh yea I can!
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Hello mrsribit, and welcome. Thank you for your kind words. I will tell you as your new, that I questioned the wisdom ( Doug and Jen too) of my decision to open up to complete strangers about our situation. After the first day I realized I found a 2nd home. The love and support here is what gave myself, Doug, and the girls the strength to move forward and reclaim our happiness. The second post on this thread I received from jeannegibbs literally changed my life. She just tells it like it is. Then the support from ALL the kickass girls came pouring in. It's an amazing journey for everyone who post here. So you stick around. You will never regret it. Love, lisa
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"as the world turns around mother" I think that was it. We leave tomorrow for the lake cat. I'm so darn excited. Beth won't be going, but Jen and Chris are coming Friday after work. I've made arrangements for my nephew to stay here the weekend. Normally this isn't a worry, (Beth is completely offended) but I'm just not ready to say the nephews won't get stupid. I'm going to finish the grocery this morning. Doug and Jen offered last night after my tattle tale Beth told them about my brain fart while shopping yesterday. So I just said honey, remember your favorite coffee cup you can't find? Beth broke it unloading the dishwasher last week. Heeheehee, lord the look on her face! Back atcha kid.
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Lisa, have a great time? And thanks for welcoming me.
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Have a wonderful time. Can't wait to hear about it when you get back.
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Hi: Lisa, Jeanne, Cat, Rebecca, Ladee, Jane, Judy, Eldest daughter, Joan, Endof, Austin, Diavalon, Christina and all u other great posters--thank you all for being smart, loving, caring, full of wisdom and so giving. I appreciate that you have accepted me into the relm of your very special place here and allowed me to be part of this group! This is the very best of a peer support group times a gazillion! These posts Should be required reading for social work students,
gerontology majors and psychiatrists. Lisa, you are as amazing as all the other wise "Kick Ass Women" you have brought together. Please enjoy a wonderful time relaxing at the lake. Water and camping are so renewing and you all so deserve some true respite and time for each other-time to leave the trauma of
your mom's snarled, enmeshing tentacles far from where you are!

Also want to let you know my profile pic is actually an art photo of man carrying long beans or cucumbers to market on his head. At first I thought it was some
funky snake charmer, but I love it because it speaks to the strength of the human
spirit and how much effort we will extend to survive and even thrive. I think it is
an interesting parallel to our lives as caregivers and survivors of the snarley
messes some of us have had to work from and carry on our heads!

I'm going to make a set of cards too Jeanne! Luv it! Don't forget "ain't that a
whoopin"!!

Hugs and love, love, love to each of you, and Lisa, Doug, Jen, Beth and Chris...
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And luv to you kim!!!! I haven't wrote the cards out yet (I really do plan to). Onthe way to taking Beth to work she was laughing at me because I'm just so excited to be be getting away for 4 nights! I told her I just can't believe it happening. She told me I should sit down and read everything my friends write to me. Then it will be real. Sometimes her insight amazes me. So I'm going to do it. When every last thing is packed, I shower and sit I'm going to do just that. How can I not when that sweet voice said so.
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Lisa - I hope you have a great time on your 4 night getaway to the lake! Sun, water, people who love you, getting the hell out of town.... you sooooo deserve this after the amazing (I was tempted to say "hellish" here but it is amazing) journey you've been on. Beth sounds like an old soul in a young body. I was thinking about you last night after reading up on the comments, and it struck me, that your sweet disposition is reflected back at you from your family. I'm amazed at how such a negative person, such as your mom, raised you, and yet you are nothing like her. That really says something huge about you. I guess that's part of my fascination with your story. Apart from taking action and getting her out of your house, I've been just taken back at how the negativity that's woven into the fabric of your mother's life, hasn't made its way into yours. You make me smile! I hope you're grinning ear to ear at the lake.
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Thanks everyone! Be leaving within the hour.Judy, My aunt Rae shared something with me during our talk this week. She was asked years ago by a in -law how was it that your niece turned into such a good person. She replied to her because she's a survivor like me. We stood back. We watched. We cried. We hurt. And buy heavens we learned. Our ability to endure was our strength. And we made our choices very clear how we intended to live the remainder of our life and nobody could take that from us. And judy, I promise you I feel so honored that aunt rae sees me in her. What an outstanding compliment she gave me. Now, I'm off here. Soon time to go. First 2 days are mine and dougs alone. Bow chicka bow wow. ;) hahaha. We love everyone! Lisa
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I want an Aunt Rae! Have fun. Bow chicka bow wow.... omg, you crack me up.
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Hello everyone! We're back. We had a wonderful time. Spent the days on the water and Friday and Saturday evenings the aunts uncles and cousins all came to the cabin. We just had the greatest time reconnecting with the family that live there. Came home to calm. Then the phone rang. I didn't answer it. And no message. Made Doug his steak and shrimp fathers day dinner and the girls gave him his gifts. I'm feeling so renewed. My sister in law took my fil to get a pedicure because his feet and nails were really needing attention. He has such a hard time doing his toenails now, and it just not something any of us like doing. And ladies, HE LOVED IT! He's 84 and that young ladie treated him like a prince. She said he laughed continuously because it tickled. So yep. All of us bought him gift cards for pedicures. I've sure missed all of you. Have I missed anything? How is everyone?
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Atta girl! Stay in the goodness.
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You sound happier and happier each day! I am so happy for you.
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I love what your Aunt Rae said. I hope you won't mind if I share the ideas. I thought perhaps I was left on my family's doorstep by mistake or was swapped at the hospital. We ARE survivors. Love Rebecca
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Hi Lisa: Hooray for your Aunt Rae and you. I am so happy that you had a wonderful time at the lake, just you and Doug and then the extended family. Now you are home, celebrating Father's day with your wonderful hubby and your children.

I'm so happy that you are free of, She that shall not be named, but equally as wonderful is that you have a life that allows so much love to pour in. How blessed you and your family are.

Sending you love and a big welcome home. Hugs, Cattails
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