My mother moved in with me when my oldest sister dies who lived with her. My brother died when I was 9. My mother and 2 sisters have been addicted to pain meds for years. One sister comitted suicide and the other who lived with mom died when her colon died. Her body couldnt even process the pain meds anymore. Years ago I made the decision to walk away and would only hear from mom when the oldest sister drained her accounts . When she died my moms accountwas charged 983 dollars in overdraft charges alone. So my only option was to move her in. She was in the hole over 2000.00. My husband and I discussed it. We felt this may be a chance to form a friendship if nothing else.
It has been a battle since after the first 3 months. When she accused my daughters fiance of stealing her pain pills I took control of them. She is forced to go to a pain management dr to get her pain meds every 3 months. She goes in my room searching for them while we work. She accuses me of stealing her money. There is nothing wrong with my moms mind. Just this month alone she has spent 732.00 at qvc. She has spent 1000's with qvc since shes been here. Mom has copd and has oxegen in her room. In comes the worst of the argument. She smokes a pack a day in her bedroom and often dosent turn the oxegen off. Im terrified she will cause an explosion and kill us with her. When I take the cigs it turns into a horrible argument. My mother has treated her grandchildren so horribly none have been to my home for 2 years. She has a sister who will not even answer her phone when she calls. She asked a cousin if she could move in and was told no. So she informed me that I would have to have a judge remove her from my home. I accepted years ago that my mom had no use for me. At 10 years old she informed me that she couldnt believe god took johnny instead of me. I heard that for years. I would cry untill I matured and realized she was the one messed up not me.
Now I am 50 years old and taking the verbal abuse again. I hear about how fat I am and dumpy I am. I buy a new outfit and get told I look rediculous. I need some help trying to figure out how to get her out of here. I had to give her the pain meds back last week because she threatened to quit taking her other medicines and she would accuse me of keeping them from her. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Ive been happily married for 28 years to a wonderful man and have 2 beautiful daughters. We own our own home. She has her own room with a bath and never has anyone in my family not made her feel this wasnt her home too. We fix her plate every night, take her to dr. Appts, wash her clothes, and still she treats us this way. Anyone who can please guide me in the right direction I would be so grateful. I am so stressed. I cant sleep, ive gained 40 pounds and im tired everyday.
Have a blessed day
Punch: I love Irish Coffee. Can I join you?
Love Cat
latest update and a few clarifications
Gary is still in Calgary. Clay now has emphysema from oxygen that “leaked” into the lung tissue. His lungs were fine before surgery. The doctors say they don't understand where it came from. He has been on a morphine patch, and morphine pump for about 6 months now. I didn’t know that. Before that he was on many pain pills daily for several years.. So they are wondering why his bowel perforated. Maybe it was the accumulated affect of pain pills for several years. I asked Gary how his spirits were, and Gary said the question of why this has happened to him has come up. Of course there are no easy answers to that.
Re the window - there is a law suit and it is being dragged out. There was to be a disposition on New York over the accident today. There are 14 claims outstanding. Apparently Clay has been able to keep up with some studies at the college in Calgary, but who knows now. He will never be able to work and earn a kiving, even if he survives this.. Gary’s boss and coworkers are very supportive, thankfully. The next few days will see which way this will go. I feel so badly for them all, and am thankful that Gordie did not go through this pain. Again I so much appreciate everyone's prayers and support.
punch, I am praying for easing of the pain too, which ever way the Lord chooses to do that. When I first heard from the cop that Gordie was in hospital, and he suggested that I come there, my instant prayer was Lord heal him completely, or take him, and at that point I had no idea what his injury was - only that he was in the ER. - but I knew in my heart of hearts it was very serious,
Just one breath at a tme tonight - .I am afraid the strawberries are still not done, but I forgive myself for that - sometimes that's all we can do - one breath, one minute, one hour at a time. BTDT before. (((((((((((((hugs))))))))))) to all. Joan
Joan, I hope your nightie and jewelry descriptions gave Jeanne a laugh. It did me. I bet the postman loves coming to your door!!!
Thank you for the update on Clay. Sending white light for the best possible outcome.
Love, Cat
Punch are you sure you want me in your cyber living room for coffee in a get up like that??? Today it is a leopard print nightie, an orange silk kimono and a black onyx necklace LOL! Appropriate for halloween anyway!
One of the things I have learned in life that no matter what happens, meals have to be made, floors have to be swept/washed, the laundry has to get done - some of this, later rather than sooner, but eventually, and that is not a bad thing. And today I have to get at those bargain strawberries before they spoil, or they will be no bargain.
I have a high toleranced for clutter too, but it does get exceeded, especially since Gary has no limit that I have found. Jeanne, I find it does feel good to get some things sorted, and even better when it is something I can get out of the house permanently. Since my last post, I have packed up a large box with a lot of mother's silver in it that i will send to my nephew in England. My way of giving them some inheritance as my sis has written him off.
Being gentle with yourself is a good way to go. We all have a lot on your plates, and need to do that. When under stress, and feeling overwhelmed, I find it helpful to pick just one task and start doing it - one step at a time. I can pick up the broom. I can sweep this bit of floor, etc. I find then I tend to do more than I thought I could, and the time passes better than sitting and stressing over something
Thinking of you all, and raising my coffee mug to you!
Hugs to you regarding Clay. I am so sorry for everyone concerned.
Everyone -- regards to all. I'm reading but I'm not in full response mode right now.
The news I have is that though Clay is alert, the 5 day prognosis is guarded especially given his previous medical issues. Barring a miracle, this the beginning of the end for him, as far as I can see. He is in such pain daily I don't even I know what to pray for except for release from the pain one way or another. The roads have been bad due to snow storms, Gary hasn't arrived here yet - it is an 8 hr drive under the best conditions. Oh, and judyjudy, re any court case, two of Gary's kids are lawyers, and I know if there was anything they could do, they would.
auntKiki - welcome - this is a great group.
kimbee - hope you are feeling better and have been able to line up more help
cat - thinking of you and spreading your dad's ashes. We still have Gordie's in an urn. I had it for years and ex dh has them now,
judy - take as many days away that you can!
book - how are you? I know your heath is suffering. I would think that stress is a big factor.
Lisa - what a blessing you were to yur mum's room mate. I wish you could take pictures of people's expressions when they first hear her lash out at you, and then on the "twitches" later. ;) Hope the diet continues to9 go well.
everyone - thinking of you. I need to be a bit more productive today. If I pack up some stuff to send overseas to my nephew and family, I will have gotten the boxes and paper out of the living room, some stuff out of my cupboards, and will have done something useful - a little low on that recently.:( (((((((hugs)))))) Joan
Kimbee good luck with getting the caregiver--good for you.
Lisa, I agree with Judy, you think she would have made nice-nice in front of the roommate. I swear that mother of yours has to be related to mine. Though sad to not have that lovely m/d relationship that I've missed my entire life, I must say breaking the ties has made life so peaceful.
AuntKiki-nice to 'meet' you. Yes, we definitely support each other--and NO judgment allowed, which makes it a pleasure being able to speak freely. xoxPJ
judyjudy - I hear you, and we do have similar programs here in Canada. We received a sum after my son Gordie died at the hands of another young man. I don't know if it applies to an "accident". I can't remember the details of why there is no compensation. It may be that it will stay tied up in court forever. Not sure, but when Gary explained it to me, it made sense. He is pretty familiar with such things, and has recently helped a disabled man get a pension. Other windows have blown out of the same building, I don't know if others have been injured. However, even if there was financial compensation, it could in no way improve Clay's quality of life. One of Gary's other sons is a physician, and has made sure that Clay has the best medical care available. It really is a tragedy. Clay was an outstanding athlete, apparently. This happened when he was at his prime.
Having lost Gordie, I know what Gary is facing. This is the beginning of what they were told would happen. If he survives this, the number of options for treatment for Clay will decrease. We all are familiar with that here, but for older people, not young adults. My heart is very heavy this morning.
Joan, I've sent a prayer for both Gary and son.
Kimbee - I'm sorry that I overlooked the stress you were going through last week. I'm glad that you're now looking for alternate options to help you with the caregiving.
some interviews going for priv duty.
sharyn - nice that these ex coworkers will help.
judyjudy - hi
I have sad news and am asking for prayers. I put this on the dysfun fam thread too. Gary's youngest son just had emergency surgery for a perforated bowel. He had a head/brain injury a few years ago, and was left with very severe, and debilitating headaches, and is constantly on heavy pain meds, He cannot live alone, nor have a normal life as he is in bed sometimes, or throwing up from the pain all day long. The doctors have said that they can do no more for him, his stomach will be ruined by the meds within 5 years, and he won't live till he is 40. He is in his early twenties. Gary is on his way to Calgary to see him in hospital. It is likely that this was caused by the meds. On top of that, G's ex (who is still in very much in charge of the adult kids - they walk on egg shells around her - talk about dysfunctional!) makes it very difficult for him to spend time with them all, so he could use some prayer too. As well, the road conditions are not good where he is heading - snow storms... it never snows but it storms???? I feel so badly for that young man. He was walking down the street with a friend in New York, and a window blew out of a building 24 stories up and fell and hit him on the head. He was going to Drama school there. It wasn't the first window that had blown out of that building, and yet there was no compensation. Can't remember the ins and outs of it, but Gary said they pursued it as far as they could.So unfair! Hurting for him tonight,
Kimbee - I hope you feel better soon. xx
Pam - David sounds wonderful. Love the name too - my oldest boy's :)
Cat - where are you?
judyjudy - I hope we get to know you.
Auntkiki - keep reading and come back!
Emjo - thanks again for the hug - xxoo - and stay warm!
Sharyn - "N" sounds like a sweetheart
Punch - what kind of crap can we get into next?
I'm missing someone here, I know it. Sorry if I am.
Hug to all Kim
A former co-worker of my mother called me yesterday. She was concerned because she couldn't reach my mom by phone. I told her mom was probably outside cuz I was just over there. I tried calling too and couldn't reach her. The woman "N" asked me if my mom had a DPOA. I told her that mom's attny. advised mom to set up her DPOA as a springing DPOA, meaning we can't act in mom's behalf til she is certified incompetent. I went on to explain to her that mom is not legally incompetent at this point so we have to play it by ear, visiting her regularly and monitoring her situation until we can call APS since mom won't let us help where she needs help. N said she would help when she can thru phone calls to my mom and alerting me if she suspects mom is in crisis!! I would never impose on N in any way because she sits several days for a ggchild with autism. I am amazed at the people who are willing to help me with mom...in whatever capacity they can!! I am grateful. This very different from your situation Lisa, believe me understand because my mother has a PD which is why she lives alone.My mother who can be very abusive, is not as bad as your mother...my heart goes out to you. You have my support and love as you journey thru all this with your mom and now your pils!!! These two ladies who are willing to inform me of things regarding my mom, know a very different person than the woman who raised me and my sibs.
I made the Pumpkin Soup today and it is yummy, thank you Cat for sharing!! It is much heartier than I expected, very filling with some warm buttered bread!!! I took some over to my mom and she liked it too. Hubby also likes spicy, so I added red pepper to ours!!
Joan~I will make the dumplings on Thursday with some chicken...can't wait for that!
Enjoy your time away PamelaSue as it doesn't happen often enough!
Have a great week ladies, I'll be thinking of all of you. Hugs to all!!! Sharyn