My mother moved in with me when my oldest sister dies who lived with her. My brother died when I was 9. My mother and 2 sisters have been addicted to pain meds for years. One sister comitted suicide and the other who lived with mom died when her colon died. Her body couldnt even process the pain meds anymore. Years ago I made the decision to walk away and would only hear from mom when the oldest sister drained her accounts . When she died my moms accountwas charged 983 dollars in overdraft charges alone. So my only option was to move her in. She was in the hole over 2000.00. My husband and I discussed it. We felt this may be a chance to form a friendship if nothing else.
It has been a battle since after the first 3 months. When she accused my daughters fiance of stealing her pain pills I took control of them. She is forced to go to a pain management dr to get her pain meds every 3 months. She goes in my room searching for them while we work. She accuses me of stealing her money. There is nothing wrong with my moms mind. Just this month alone she has spent 732.00 at qvc. She has spent 1000's with qvc since shes been here. Mom has copd and has oxegen in her room. In comes the worst of the argument. She smokes a pack a day in her bedroom and often dosent turn the oxegen off. Im terrified she will cause an explosion and kill us with her. When I take the cigs it turns into a horrible argument. My mother has treated her grandchildren so horribly none have been to my home for 2 years. She has a sister who will not even answer her phone when she calls. She asked a cousin if she could move in and was told no. So she informed me that I would have to have a judge remove her from my home. I accepted years ago that my mom had no use for me. At 10 years old she informed me that she couldnt believe god took johnny instead of me. I heard that for years. I would cry untill I matured and realized she was the one messed up not me.
Now I am 50 years old and taking the verbal abuse again. I hear about how fat I am and dumpy I am. I buy a new outfit and get told I look rediculous. I need some help trying to figure out how to get her out of here. I had to give her the pain meds back last week because she threatened to quit taking her other medicines and she would accuse me of keeping them from her. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Ive been happily married for 28 years to a wonderful man and have 2 beautiful daughters. We own our own home. She has her own room with a bath and never has anyone in my family not made her feel this wasnt her home too. We fix her plate every night, take her to dr. Appts, wash her clothes, and still she treats us this way. Anyone who can please guide me in the right direction I would be so grateful. I am so stressed. I cant sleep, ive gained 40 pounds and im tired everyday.
Have a blessed day
Lisa - hope you had a great lunch. and will have good visits with fils sisters. ((((hugs))))
Well, spending the day with mil was a bust. She wasn't in the mood for lunch. Could not get her to leave the house for nothing. She was really feeling down today. So we were able to clean some and could tell her anxiety level was spiking. I'm not sure but it seems like she was feeling like she wasn't in control. Fil was going to finish the vacuuming with her later. So we stopped and just visited with them. Huge change in her when we sat down. Fil said he talked to his sister. I hope they all have a good time. Mary remembers they are visiting. Hasn't forgotten at all.
Jeanne
Well, about a week ago Jane had to have a heart operation and she came through it well. Jane has always been way younger than what she looked, more vital, and still working. I called their house and spoke to Jane's son on Mon. so I could find out if she was out of ICU and he said she was, now in a private room, and about to be moved to rehab until mid Oct. I was elated she was doing as well as she was and now I knew where my brother and sister in law and I could send her some flowers, or fruit, whatever. On Tuesday, I opened an email (from her own address, but coming from her daughters) who said that their mother died unexpectedly early that morning, not understanding at all what happened, when all thought she was coming along fine. I can only imagine the feeling of loss my mother must be feeling, knowing someone she has been so close to for the last 70 years is gone now. I am happy to be separated from her, but you have no idea how I wish we had the kind of relationship that I could have rushed to her side and hugged her over the loss of her cousin. I gasped when I opened that email and I have felt such grief all week, as she was truly a wonderful person I loved very much, as did her family. I am assuming the half brother must have broken the news to my mother and I'm sure she wailed and will genuinely miss Jane. And sadly, now, she truly has NO one to come to her aid, for much of anything.
My grief now is that I will be going only to the funeral mass tomorrow, and I will not walk up to a coffin and see her laying there. I refuse to remember my dear, beautiful cousin lifeless. I also am dealing with the fact that my mother will be in that church and as cowardly as it seems, I will arrive late, stay in the rear of the church with my husband and leave before they recess. I hope all of you will keep Jane's family in prayer, and also, keep me in prayer tomorrow morning as I'm very nervous about attending this! Love you guys, PJ xo
So Lisa, can u teach Judy n I how to make the dumplings- she's got teens to fill, n I'm tired of the same stuff over n over. Hope Mary lunch is nice. Smart to give positives in there too-sure u both need that. Doug's a KA MAN, no tights needed; doug where r u ?? Joan, glad the parking didnt end in crazy road rage, n hey, the driver was probably thinking: "hey, look at that hot lady" n working up nerve to ask for a date. U disappointed by escaping to other store, I'm sure!! Cat, hope ur feeling better, is it warm enough to still get in your yard work? Hope so , n that you r beginning to get rested up n restored-n not too busy w estate issues n all that involves. Book: glad we could make em laugh! BWJ, nice to have u w us. Hope I didn't miss any body, cause I luv u all. Had a great middle of night party w mom. She up to use bathroom, I sorting big box of photo/Fam mementos to go w us for activity. Came upon bro's "My life" assignment at age 13. We stayed up reading n laughing for 2 hours. One of the highlights of her stay. I snapped lots of pix as she read n enjoyed so bro n SIL can see her enjoyment. It so made the hard stuff worth it! Hope we can get her safely to beach. Sis is suggesting hospice eval on return home, will talk to mom so she has i put 1st. Back to "work" for now, my nails r dry! hugs n joy. Kimbee
My husband flies in tonight for 5 days. That'll be nice, although he irritated the crap out of me the last time I saw him. I swear, when I was dropping him off at the airport to go back to PA a few weeks ago, I was tempted just to swing through the departure drop off area and just push him out the door while the car was still moving and fling his bag out after him. Usually, the day he leaves is a sad day for me. Not this last time!
My middle boy is here for the weekend from school. He got here last night.The kitchen has already been filled with hungry 19 yr old boys. They're like a swarm of locusts - they descend on the kitchen and eat everything there in just minutes. Its incredible. It'll be good to have some people in the house again. Just me and the youngest boy is a bit too lonely.
Have a nice weekend! I'm looking forward to your next update. xx, J.
john - yes booze does not mix well with antidepressants or with cold - you lose heat and get colder - that can be dangerous
think I have landed - in tact - check with you all tomorrow
I'm sure the people I ate with that night got a hoot out of me getting stoned. BTW, wine does not really keep you warm in very cold snow skiing, it only masks how cold you are and inhibits your ability to ski.
What's to worry cat? My life is here and now, the good and the bad stuff - it is what it is. Yes, I have had a glimpse of the next world, and know where my Gordie is, and where I am going. Once he came back to me in a dream, and gave me such a hug I felt it physically till 1/2 way through the next day. It was a time that I missed him so much, and his big bear hugs, I know those things come when you most need them. Gordie is still part of my life - the newer theories of grieving talk about the changed relationship you have with your loved one who has passed - not the end of the relationship. I am comfortable with that, and know that he and others are not far away, One night, about 3 months after he died, my mother woke up, and saw my father standing by her bedside - as he was at his best - She is not a person to "see things". When you lose a chld they are on your heart and mind daily - and that is OK. It is not like other losses. My other kids are on my heart and mind to -and that is OK.
John, I only took 2 pills of a single antidepressant (Luvox) that has worked well for me before - one two days ago and one this morning - not two different ones - never would! - Apparently some people react that way. Maybe a very small dose would work - not sure I want to try, or even that I really need it. This certainly didn't lose its effectiveness lol - but took me a little too far for comfort - or functionality anyway. It would be good to sleep well.
One day at a time - I will see what tomorrow brings. Hopefully, :) I will be in my right mind! :)
Yes, you have had some weird days and that reaction to the antidepressant does not sound good at all and you are emotionally overloaded right now. Sometimes, meds that we have taken for a while loose their effectiveness and something else needs to be found. There are many different antidepressants. One of them with the least side effects is the one I take called wellbutrin.
I hope you sleep better tonight.
Your traffic cop incident reminded me of something that happened in my life about 38 years ago. My husband and I were just married and my son, from my first marriage, was 5 years old. Warren was a police officer for the Santa Barbara Police Department. He was a motor cop. So one morning, bright and early, we get a phone call from my husband's co-worker who lived a couple of streets away from us. He said, "Your child was in the middle of the street, partially dressed in your uniform and directing traffic. I told him he was doing a good job, but needed to go home." This was about 8am in the morning on a Saturday and we were sleeping in. We thanked Tom for the call and went into the living room. There was Nick watching cartoons. He had Warren's uniform shirt on, a whistle around his neck and his helmet on. Jeez, did we feel like shit parents.
Joan, I worry about you a little bit. You are a very wise person, but you have so much grief from Gordy's passing and that is understandable, of course, but you have to claim your life in this world. You have experienced a glimpse of the live after death and you know that it is real. Please rejoice in that and know that you will be with him again. In fact, you are with him now, as you know.
I'm sorry for all the crap your mom throws in your direction, but I think you are so right in putting that distance back into effect. She's fine in so many ways for someone her age. More so than many 20 or more years younger than her.
Live your life Joan and embrace all the now that you can. You are an amazing person with passion, intelligence and spirit. Use it up everyday and live in the moment.
Love and respect to you, my friend. Cat
still out of it - i suppose my head will clear eventually - has anyone else had this experience?
Gotta tell you my parking lot story for a laugh 0 ir another laugh...
Yesterday. Safeways parking lot was very full and a few cars were cruising around, as was I, looking for an empty spot. Suddenly a car backed up and i was in the right position to nip in and park. I noticed a young woman in a grey SUV stopped a little behind me, but paid her no attention until I got out of my car, when she opened her window and told me that she had been waiting for that spot. I hadn’t seen her, and told her so, and she drove off. I felt bad and was looking around the parking lot for her, when the car parked beside me, backed up and left. Aha, says this would-be good Samaritan, as I spotted a grey SUV bearing down from the right, and also a large menacing black 3/4 ton from the left that was closer. I screwed up my courage, stood in the spot, put my hand up to stop the 3/4 ton -did the traffic cop thing - and bravely waved the SUV into the parking spot. It parked and a grey haired man stepped out and said thank you! All I could mumble was “I thought you were someone else.” I got back into my car without steppihng a foot into the store, and went around the corner to shop at Sobey’s. I haven't had any trouble in their parking lot.
What a weird few days! Sorry I am no good for anyone tonight - not even myself, except maybe for a laugh.
Just another thought. If your husband needs to spend time with his parents, try to take care of a task of his at home so he is less stressed when he gets back. Maybe it's mowing the lawn or taking out the trash or whatever. Just let him know that you are trying to support him and ease his burden at home because you realize that he needs to deal with his folks on his own.....and he does. You need to be free of that loop and all the craziness. In the long run that probably makes it easier on him because he doesn't need to spend his time defending you to his mom. He can spend time with her and leave and come home to a loving home. It's good to have a safe place and you can give him that.
Sending you hugs, Cat
:D
Lisa, I do think it would be great if you FiL would give the sisters a heads up. It will be difficult enough, but if they were shocked by any unexpected behavior? That might be heartbreaking.
emjo, my now 74 mother could never even figure out how to get to voicemail on her cell phone, so your 100 year old mother using a computer is incredible. i pray i keep my faculties that long. too bad she can't learn how to love just as easily.
could, this will be the most helpful thread you will ever come across, do take the time to read through all of it. yes, it is long, but it will be worth the effort.
@ Cattails: You are so wise. Your words are completely on target. Caregiving has as much to do with where the caregiver is, on her journey, as it has to do with the person who needs caregiving. I married a wonderful man 30 years ago. He married me even though I was very ill and was expected to die soon. surprise: I didn't go away! I was blessed with a gift for making the most of the cards I was dealt, and I love life. I have always felt I "owed" my husband's parents something I couldn't give them. I have always sensed that they have never been capable of loving me, except in terms of how I could fulfill their needs. Realizing this has taken a long time. Thus I've spent most of my marriage trying to be "super" daughter-in-law, despite severe personal health challenges and caregiving for my own parents who died in 1994 and 2001. It is painful and has taken a lot of reading of this entire thread to realize how pointless my attempts to earn in-law love have been. Nowadays when I feel compelled to do something for the in-laws that I know I'm gonna resent before I'm even finished, I can finally stop myself (sometimes) before I spiral down that hole. Even before my in-laws hit ages 88 and 94 and became as helpless and needy as they are now, I was always trying to win their approval by working hard enough to compensate for their seeing me as never good enough for their son. I still sense this, although they would never admit to it or even see it. I still have to stop myself from feeling guilty about their aging and decline. Mom-in-law has become quite adept at exploiting that. I apologize if I have gotten "off track" on this thread. I thought it pertained, when I started commenting. At any rate, thanks for listening to me. I feel a little better for having written that out.
You ladies rock and keep me on track with your stories.
You hang there (I quess) right now I dont know what to say.