My mother moved in with me when my oldest sister dies who lived with her. My brother died when I was 9. My mother and 2 sisters have been addicted to pain meds for years. One sister comitted suicide and the other who lived with mom died when her colon died. Her body couldnt even process the pain meds anymore. Years ago I made the decision to walk away and would only hear from mom when the oldest sister drained her accounts . When she died my moms accountwas charged 983 dollars in overdraft charges alone. So my only option was to move her in. She was in the hole over 2000.00. My husband and I discussed it. We felt this may be a chance to form a friendship if nothing else.
It has been a battle since after the first 3 months. When she accused my daughters fiance of stealing her pain pills I took control of them. She is forced to go to a pain management dr to get her pain meds every 3 months. She goes in my room searching for them while we work. She accuses me of stealing her money. There is nothing wrong with my moms mind. Just this month alone she has spent 732.00 at qvc. She has spent 1000's with qvc since shes been here. Mom has copd and has oxegen in her room. In comes the worst of the argument. She smokes a pack a day in her bedroom and often dosent turn the oxegen off. Im terrified she will cause an explosion and kill us with her. When I take the cigs it turns into a horrible argument. My mother has treated her grandchildren so horribly none have been to my home for 2 years. She has a sister who will not even answer her phone when she calls. She asked a cousin if she could move in and was told no. So she informed me that I would have to have a judge remove her from my home. I accepted years ago that my mom had no use for me. At 10 years old she informed me that she couldnt believe god took johnny instead of me. I heard that for years. I would cry untill I matured and realized she was the one messed up not me.
Now I am 50 years old and taking the verbal abuse again. I hear about how fat I am and dumpy I am. I buy a new outfit and get told I look rediculous. I need some help trying to figure out how to get her out of here. I had to give her the pain meds back last week because she threatened to quit taking her other medicines and she would accuse me of keeping them from her. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Ive been happily married for 28 years to a wonderful man and have 2 beautiful daughters. We own our own home. She has her own room with a bath and never has anyone in my family not made her feel this wasnt her home too. We fix her plate every night, take her to dr. Appts, wash her clothes, and still she treats us this way. Anyone who can please guide me in the right direction I would be so grateful. I am so stressed. I cant sleep, ive gained 40 pounds and im tired everyday.
Have a blessed day
Emjo - Do what you need to do ...distance from mother. therapy. Just when you finally settled down, something comes along and just throws you off.
Lisa - the things that happen while on the job. I, too, agree that the aunts are forewarned. Can you just see what happens if they are unaware and mil "acts up" on that day? take care!
Lisa -forgot to mention the bus excitement - Oh dear me!!! Bomb girl and bus accidents. You lead a dangerous life! Enjoy your visit with mil, and the great food the sisters are bringing. ((((hugs))))) Joan
Wow! She is about 100 now? still using computer?
Yep--mind still works...sad that things get so rotten emotionally!
That's gotta be some kind of record, though!
Mine's not that old by a long shot; her mind works--but it's all twisted up in complicated ways. And no way on earth she would ever use a computer--she barely uses the phone.
I totally understand grieving the death of relationship!
Mom made sure to cut me out of her herd
--which means 4 siblings all cut me out too, as well as Mom.
It is still hard to keep focused on that they took her outta here, and I wish them well. Over a year later, the hurts she inflicted, still make it hard for me to find and mend the shattered pieces. It had taken years to mend the first time I left home because of her behaviors; it is harder, now.
Keep working at it. Find helps wherever makes sense. I have listened to Oprah, get newsletters, gotten counseling [still do], looked online for things that can help.
PTSD from abusive relationships, can be helped, I am told, by using EMDR--a process a qualified counselor can help you with.
{{{hugs!}}}
Lisa - you are doing a marvellous job. The suggestions about informing the coming visitors are good.
On another note - mother started using a computer when she was abour 95. - 5 years agoShe has worn out the letters on many of the keys. We sent her a new set of "letters" which arrived today. It took her not more than an hour to figure out how replace them and do it. . Up till now she has had to go back and correct the misspelled words. Obviously her mind is working well..
I agree with Jeanne about the heads up for the sisters. What if Mary isn't herself when they're there? Her behavior could startle and confuse them. If they know in advance, it may be better all around. And, once again, I agree with Jeanne, that it should be your fil to fill them in. I guess if he doesn't feel its necessary, then so be it.
I definitely agree you should continue to do fun things with Mary.
You are doing so many things right! Your in-laws are very lucky that their son married you!
Things have been calm. Sil back in Alabama. Beth and I were going Friday to dust and mop and vacumn at mil, and now she won't let us. Says she can clean her own house. Ok waterer:) pretty certain when we show up Friday it'll be ok. All of the aunts are coming in from the country to visit sat, so we are going to do it. Mil has always kept a spotless house, so whether she realizes it or not, she would be horrified to have all her in laws come in to a messy house. One of the aunts called and asked if I thought they could use some dinners that freeze beautifully that can just be popped in the microwave. Are you kidding aunt Marsha???? Bring em on, and by the way, if you bring some of your dumplings I'll have dinner with you guys sat. She just laughed, but girls imma thinking I'll be having some dumplings this weekend. Fil has 6 sisters living and they will have enough food for a couple weeks. I knew eventually things would be set in motion. We haven't prepared them for the change in Mary. How in the world do we? Hey aunts, Mary has been in a very bad mood. Don't be surprised if the F word flys outta her mouth, or she may just go to bed at 6 thinking it's 9. PIL are very private people and have kept their health issues private. So I think the best course of action is to be there the first couple of hours and see how it goes and just be honest with them without giving the details they guard so much. Crap, I just don't know. So tired tonight. Draining day. I've decided I'm taking Mary to lunch Friday. I think it's important to do something with her she enjoys so she just dosen't remember our time together only being drs appts. We need positive together time. What do you think? Sweet dreams my friends!!!
Emjo - I've missed you. You've been scarce or I've been on the wrong threads.
Kim and Book - "Sun" - I had a good laugh at the misunderstanding. LOL! Sometimes its the goofy little things that make me throw my head back and laugh. Thank you, ladies.
Do not let her make you feel bad. Just think to yourself, there she goes again and ignore her. You are not broken, just in a horrible situation. I would like you to know I think you are a good, wonderful person for all that and your family have tried to do. Sometimes there is no helping a person like that. Give yourself and your husband a hug and a pat on the back.
CBT Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
DBT Dialectical Behavioral Therapy
ACT Acceptance & Commitment Therapy
the relapse was bad enough that i had multiple psych hospitalizations between 2008 and 2010, frankly i could not even tell you how many, the number is that high. my cutting was very serious, i had near bleed outs on over a half dozen occasions and i had surgeries to close them several times. one became infected so it could not be closed. the four inch long, two inch deep, and one inch wide wound had to be cleaned, debrided, and repacked every other day. after a month they sent me home and i had a nurse come and do it. my upper thighs are so scarred that i have lost muscle and flesh, there is a large dent on both thighs and the entire area is numb to the touch. i sclerosed the veins and vessels there so much that at the end i had to go very very deep in order to open up enough of them to bleed; it's a blessing i never cut my femoral artery. and because i always cut in the same small areas it became difficult for my knives and razors to get through the scar tissue. you see therapy can often make things worse before it makes things better. but i AM much better now. the depression is in the past for now and i am 28 months cut free. of course i still have more work ahead of me. you cannot undue 50 years of pain and abuse in a few years. i will be at this a long time, but i can assure you that it's already worth the effort and pain i have suffered confronting the ugliness that i had repressed for so long.
Lisa, I know that I rarely post here, but know that I do "lurk" here every day. We all have no problem with Doug posting, too. He's a caregiver like all of us.
Bookworm i have a neuro appt today, so i can't stay and answer your questions. but i will never be going back to work. both jobs entailed crowds of kids. retail would literally kill me if i did that again. i am very content to be alone in my home. i'll answer in depth later.
That's my fear too. I dropped out of college because I couldn't handle the pressure to "perform" in front of people. I was very introverted. I did 2 speeches and got the classroom to laugh, but the toll INSIDE was awful. I just couldn't handle it. I've done other speeches (religious-related) and people just couldn't believe that I was nervous. I would look at the people (Not over their heads) and give eye contacts, smile, and just spoke to them as if it was nothing. After these speeches, I had such terrible headaches that literally made me crawl into bed and suffer the pain, throwing up, etc... But, I've read articles that the stress of caregiving can bring on fibromyalgia and even phobias. So, I worry about this with the stresses that I go through. Sometimes ignorance is bliss but I don't think that it's good here. We already have so much stress and physical problems, that it would be best to pro-actively try to de-stress to avoid the emotional and/or psychological problems. We don't need to have those added to our "yoke."
so i have a FB. check my profile story if you would like to friend me, write me to go with the friend request to tell me who you are and remember that what is said here stays here and we shall be good as gold. you will note that i am quite insane there at times. but for some reason my Boy Scout and church friends keep me on, lolz. enter at your own risk? *wicked grin* has anyone else here managed to network on fb?
Luvpeople-Virginia beach, VA
We are told an SUV hit the front of the bus knocking off the crossing arm gate. JCPS originally reported that bus number 9370 was the bus involved in the accident. Bus 9370 is actually picking up students students from bus 1051.
Two students are being transported to Kosair Hospital with possible back pain.
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The other reported bus accident was last week on Sept 28th. Since Lisa has spoken with us after that date, I'm not worried about that accident. This accident appears to be minor so far. We'll just pray that Lisa wasn't the driver of bus #1051.
Anyone remember what bus she told us she drove before? Even if she did handle some students from Dixie, (sounds familiar?), there could be a dozen or more buses from that one school.