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Pam: 3 words. YOU GO GIRL!!!!!!!!!
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Pam: Your post really touched me. You can be so honest about your life and I so admire that. I know you have been through a lot. Leaving your husband and making a life for yourself. I wish I lived close to you and could know you better. You have my respect and affection. Sending you love and white light. Cattails
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Kimbee – that was funny! I keep telling everyone here that I take things Literally. (laughing here) When you guys tell jokes, I have to re-read it several times trying to figure out the joke. Sometimes I get it, sometimes I don’t. And too embarrassed to ask what’s so funny about it.
Emjo - Do what you need to do ...distance from mother. therapy. Just when you finally settled down, something comes along and just throws you off.
Lisa - the things that happen while on the job. I, too, agree that the aunts are forewarned. Can you just see what happens if they are unaware and mil "acts up" on that day? take care!
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Pam – Wow….You’ve been thru a lot and still going strong. I have never known anyone who has gone that deep into self-cut. Actually, I didn’t know that it could go that far. Congrats on making it 28 months. No, I see where you’re coming at. I guess it’s best that you put yourself back together into one piece – physically, mentally and emotionally. I think because I’ve had bad headaches since middle school, I’ve been afraid of pain. I did a little research on self-cut to help me understand a very young poster here on AC. I can’t believe how Prevalent this is among teens. It’s not a “habit” that is easily dismissed. When I was reading it, it reminded me of how someone would is an alcoholic in the sense that an alcoholic can be off the bandwagon for 20 yrs and then Wham! one drink and they’re back hooked. The same applies with self-cutting – if you turn to it as a way to deal with the stress/emotions, etc… Does that make sense? I’m NOT demeaning or belittling self-cutting but how … scary it is. And that’s why, when I say CONGRATS, I really do mean it. I’m soooo PROUD of you!
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yeah Chi - and she taught herself in her mid 90s to use a computer -with a little help of course. It is sad that the emotions have been so twisted and still are, I don't know that I can say I am sorry youtr mum cut you out, though in one sense I am but, I think it is better to be out of the dysfunction. Sorry it is harder to heal now, but I think I understand - the hurts accumulate, even though you work a lot of it through, there is still some basic trauma left. I am seeing a counsellor again these days -I have no hesitation to go when I need it. I am thinking of looking at something for the PTSD - both re mother and Gordie. I don't know why I thought it would all be over by the time I reached this age - how naive! Thanks for the hug back at ya ((((((hugs))))))

Lisa -forgot to mention the bus excitement - Oh dear me!!! Bomb girl and bus accidents. You lead a dangerous life! Enjoy your visit with mil, and the great food the sisters are bringing. ((((hugs))))) Joan
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Emjo--
Wow! She is about 100 now? still using computer?
Yep--mind still works...sad that things get so rotten emotionally!
That's gotta be some kind of record, though!

Mine's not that old by a long shot; her mind works--but it's all twisted up in complicated ways. And no way on earth she would ever use a computer--she barely uses the phone.

I totally understand grieving the death of relationship!
Mom made sure to cut me out of her herd
--which means 4 siblings all cut me out too, as well as Mom.

It is still hard to keep focused on that they took her outta here, and I wish them well. Over a year later, the hurts she inflicted, still make it hard for me to find and mend the shattered pieces. It had taken years to mend the first time I left home because of her behaviors; it is harder, now.

Keep working at it. Find helps wherever makes sense. I have listened to Oprah, get newsletters, gotten counseling [still do], looked online for things that can help.
PTSD from abusive relationships, can be helped, I am told, by using EMDR--a process a qualified counselor can help you with.

{{{hugs!}}}
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Hi all - been adjusting to my new status re mother. I have to distance further as she has been very hurtful. It takes me a while to figure out what I need to do. I will for the time being anyway, remain as POA. My sis is backup if I do back out. I will remain available for the ALF, hospital, her doc etc. to contact. She is well looked after where she is, though she complains all the time. I am reducing/removing social contact, eg emails, phone calls, visits, as that is when there is opportunity for hurt. As a result of this, I am doing some grieving, as it is form of death - of the relationship. Gordie's birthday is coming up on October the 10th, which makes life harder anyway. I haven't gotten to my grief over him yet.
Lisa - you are doing a marvellous job. The suggestions about informing the coming visitors are good.
On another note - mother started using a computer when she was abour 95. - 5 years agoShe has worn out the letters on many of the keys. We sent her a new set of "letters" which arrived today. It took her not more than an hour to figure out how replace them and do it. . Up till now she has had to go back and correct the misspelled words. Obviously her mind is working well..
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Lisa, lunch with mil sounds like a great idea!

I agree with Jeanne about the heads up for the sisters. What if Mary isn't herself when they're there? Her behavior could startle and confuse them. If they know in advance, it may be better all around. And, once again, I agree with Jeanne, that it should be your fil to fill them in. I guess if he doesn't feel its necessary, then so be it.
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I think it would be a good thing if the sisters were given a heads up that there have been some changes in Mary's behavior (without necessarily going into detail), but I think that should come from fil. They are his sisters and Mary is his wife, so it should be his call.

I definitely agree you should continue to do fun things with Mary.

You are doing so many things right! Your in-laws are very lucky that their son married you!
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Hi all! What a day! One student in our depot said she had a gun on the bus. Another threatened to bring a bomb on another bus. Driver accused by kids of having a wreck(fender bender, dont know what she hit. Sure enough, bus was damaged. She's fired. Should have called it in and got a police report because she had students on the bus. So gun girl (no gun, just threatening) and bomb boy are suspended to the board. Geeze, one more day and we have a 4 day weekend. Is there a full moon out or what???

Things have been calm. Sil back in Alabama. Beth and I were going Friday to dust and mop and vacumn at mil, and now she won't let us. Says she can clean her own house. Ok waterer:) pretty certain when we show up Friday it'll be ok. All of the aunts are coming in from the country to visit sat, so we are going to do it. Mil has always kept a spotless house, so whether she realizes it or not, she would be horrified to have all her in laws come in to a messy house. One of the aunts called and asked if I thought they could use some dinners that freeze beautifully that can just be popped in the microwave. Are you kidding aunt Marsha???? Bring em on, and by the way, if you bring some of your dumplings I'll have dinner with you guys sat. She just laughed, but girls imma thinking I'll be having some dumplings this weekend. Fil has 6 sisters living and they will have enough food for a couple weeks. I knew eventually things would be set in motion. We haven't prepared them for the change in Mary. How in the world do we? Hey aunts, Mary has been in a very bad mood. Don't be surprised if the F word flys outta her mouth, or she may just go to bed at 6 thinking it's 9. PIL are very private people and have kept their health issues private. So I think the best course of action is to be there the first couple of hours and see how it goes and just be honest with them without giving the details they guard so much. Crap, I just don't know. So tired tonight. Draining day. I've decided I'm taking Mary to lunch Friday. I think it's important to do something with her she enjoys so she just dosen't remember our time together only being drs appts. We need positive together time. What do you think? Sweet dreams my friends!!!
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Pam, I'm raising my coffee cup (I need the caffeine this afternoon) in your general direction. Giving you a deep head nod of respect at the same time. 28 months is a long time. Congratulations, my friend. xx, J.
Emjo - I've missed you. You've been scarce or I've been on the wrong threads.
Kim and Book - "Sun" - I had a good laugh at the misunderstanding. LOL! Sometimes its the goofy little things that make me throw my head back and laugh. Thank you, ladies.
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Pam -thanks for sharing what a battle you have fought and are still fightng - and winning. You are very brave for sharing (((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
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Hugs to you, PamelaSue, and a salute to the very brave woman you are!
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Let the social worker intervene. File a mental inquest warrant. Do what you have to to take your life back!!!! You are a good person, and maybe her control over you is by trying to make you feel bad about yourself so it makes her powerful and in control.

Do not let her make you feel bad. Just think to yourself, there she goes again and ignore her. You are not broken, just in a horrible situation. I would like you to know I think you are a good, wonderful person for all that and your family have tried to do. Sometimes there is no helping a person like that. Give yourself and your husband a hug and a pat on the back.
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Book i've been in therapy since spring 2008. nightmare therapy, one on one talk therapy, and these three most important therapies which i believed both changed and literally saved my life:

CBT Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
DBT Dialectical Behavioral Therapy
ACT Acceptance & Commitment Therapy

the relapse was bad enough that i had multiple psych hospitalizations between 2008 and 2010, frankly i could not even tell you how many, the number is that high. my cutting was very serious, i had near bleed outs on over a half dozen occasions and i had surgeries to close them several times. one became infected so it could not be closed. the four inch long, two inch deep, and one inch wide wound had to be cleaned, debrided, and repacked every other day. after a month they sent me home and i had a nurse come and do it. my upper thighs are so scarred that i have lost muscle and flesh, there is a large dent on both thighs and the entire area is numb to the touch. i sclerosed the veins and vessels there so much that at the end i had to go very very deep in order to open up enough of them to bleed; it's a blessing i never cut my femoral artery. and because i always cut in the same small areas it became difficult for my knives and razors to get through the scar tissue. you see therapy can often make things worse before it makes things better. but i AM much better now. the depression is in the past for now and i am 28 months cut free. of course i still have more work ahead of me. you cannot undue 50 years of pain and abuse in a few years. i will be at this a long time, but i can assure you that it's already worth the effort and pain i have suffered confronting the ugliness that i had repressed for so long.
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Hi book, I was talking about your one day a week help w parents-thought the day was Sunday, later catching up w posts, see it is Saturday.hope u r still getting that break. You DESERVE it (n much more)!
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Hi Kimbee! I tried going under the sun but it hurts my eyes. Plus I hate sweating. But mostly, the sun gives me headaches ever since I was a young child. And I still have that problem as an adult. But, thanks for asking. Instead I did shopping for the house.

Lisa, I know that I rarely post here, but know that I do "lurk" here every day. We all have no problem with Doug posting, too. He's a caregiver like all of us.
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Punch luv the enough story, Lisa, u feed the soul, glad u n ur kids r safe. Pam, feel for u. Doug, come on in here, don't worry bout the tights n cans. Jeanne, thank you for allowing us into your life. Sorry ur husband is having a harder time- pls give him a little luv squeeze from us KAW. u r one tough, smart amazing woman, praying for you both. Cat n Judy- ur both crazee ! Book- r u still getting Sun respite? Hope so, don't want stress to overtake you, how u do it is a real miracle. If I missed u, I'm sorry. Glad Joan has been found. Hugs n prayers to all, especially our Lisa n her wonderful family. How u make those noodles? Do tell... Luv u all in a KA kinda way, kimbee
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oh Lisa, i am so glad that neither accident was you!

Bookworm i have a neuro appt today, so i can't stay and answer your questions. but i will never be going back to work. both jobs entailed crowds of kids. retail would literally kill me if i did that again. i am very content to be alone in my home. i'll answer in depth later.
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Hey girls. Sorry. Wasn't thinking. Forgot kykate lives nearby. I wasn't involved. Yes the bus tipped over. No fatalities. 3 high school students on way to school blew thru the intersection and t boned the bus. Lotsa cuts and bruises. 6 were admitted to hospital with broken bones. Last one was released today. 3 years ago I was picking up my first ele student and was hit by an suv. The woman had a seizure and passed out. It was estimated she was traveling 80 mph by the tome she hit me. She crossed 4 lanes of traffic, went thru a huge field before impact. My first grader had made it 10 ft from the bus. By the time I saw her coming it was too late to movie. Just started screaming at Eric to run home. . Knocked my bus off it's frame. These are what we worry about everyday. What happened to that bus is every drivers biggest fear. We watched it unfold on the news in every compound. As strange as it sounds girls we were celebrating. NOT ONE OF OUR KIDS DIED!!! I do believe that has been the worse wreck ever in louiville.
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Pamela, I'm sorry that you have reached this stage compared to your former life. Is there anything that you can do to get yourself back to the norm? More therapy or is that not working? I'd go crazy if I had to stay home - here with the parents!

That's my fear too. I dropped out of college because I couldn't handle the pressure to "perform" in front of people. I was very introverted. I did 2 speeches and got the classroom to laugh, but the toll INSIDE was awful. I just couldn't handle it. I've done other speeches (religious-related) and people just couldn't believe that I was nervous. I would look at the people (Not over their heads) and give eye contacts, smile, and just spoke to them as if it was nothing. After these speeches, I had such terrible headaches that literally made me crawl into bed and suffer the pain, throwing up, etc... But, I've read articles that the stress of caregiving can bring on fibromyalgia and even phobias. So, I worry about this with the stresses that I go through. Sometimes ignorance is bliss but I don't think that it's good here. We already have so much stress and physical problems, that it would be best to pro-actively try to de-stress to avoid the emotional and/or psychological problems. We don't need to have those added to our "yoke."
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i found emjo!
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oh, i'd be very very shy on webcam. which sounds weird to ya'll i guess. i am very shy in person until i know someone. people never knew that about me as a Scout Leader or when i worked; i very much had the ability back then to turn on like a neon sign. i changed a lot with this last ptsd relapse. i can't even work anymore, i have changed that drastically. i get very anxious in the face of groups of people and sometimes disassociate. if it's really bad an alternate takes over and that can be embarrassing. it's why almost all my social life is online.
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PamelaSue, I'm not sure about fb but in the GROSS thread, one of the regulars will announce a time/date in which you can log in and talk via internet broadcast about caregiving? I'm not familiar with online stuff but.... If you have the patience, go to the thread and look back within a month. And just scroll through. They tell you how to apply via referral - no problem since you're a regular here. Twice since I joined AC ,I've seen the announcement twice. You get to see each other via cam?
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which makes me wish that this site would let us exchange information with each other for times like these. Grrrrr. . .

so i have a FB. check my profile story if you would like to friend me, write me to go with the friend request to tell me who you are and remember that what is said here stays here and we shall be good as gold. you will note that i am quite insane there at times. but for some reason my Boy Scout and church friends keep me on, lolz. enter at your own risk? *wicked grin* has anyone else here managed to network on fb?
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My heart goes out to those kids and the driver of the bus. Was Lisa one of the drivers involved. I would like to know how they are doing.

Luvpeople-Virginia beach, VA
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I know that we will all feel better when Lisa checks in.
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Oh, Pam, I didn't see the one you've read about. I saw the big, roll over one with like 51 students on board from 3 days ago. I'll check again.
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It was 3 days ago. I just ran to check the news too. Whew! Had a lump in my throat, googling Louisville bus accident.
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LOUISVILLE, Ky. (WHAS11) -- JCPS bus number 1051 has been involved in a minor accident on Dixie Highway and Citation Road. 40 students from Dixie Elementary School were on board.

We are told an SUV hit the front of the bus knocking off the crossing arm gate. JCPS originally reported that bus number 9370 was the bus involved in the accident. Bus 9370 is actually picking up students students from bus 1051.

Two students are being transported to Kosair Hospital with possible back pain.
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The other reported bus accident was last week on Sept 28th. Since Lisa has spoken with us after that date, I'm not worried about that accident. This accident appears to be minor so far. We'll just pray that Lisa wasn't the driver of bus #1051.

Anyone remember what bus she told us she drove before? Even if she did handle some students from Dixie, (sounds familiar?), there could be a dozen or more buses from that one school.
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