My mother moved in with me when my oldest sister dies who lived with her. My brother died when I was 9. My mother and 2 sisters have been addicted to pain meds for years. One sister comitted suicide and the other who lived with mom died when her colon died. Her body couldnt even process the pain meds anymore. Years ago I made the decision to walk away and would only hear from mom when the oldest sister drained her accounts . When she died my moms accountwas charged 983 dollars in overdraft charges alone. So my only option was to move her in. She was in the hole over 2000.00. My husband and I discussed it. We felt this may be a chance to form a friendship if nothing else.
It has been a battle since after the first 3 months. When she accused my daughters fiance of stealing her pain pills I took control of them. She is forced to go to a pain management dr to get her pain meds every 3 months. She goes in my room searching for them while we work. She accuses me of stealing her money. There is nothing wrong with my moms mind. Just this month alone she has spent 732.00 at qvc. She has spent 1000's with qvc since shes been here. Mom has copd and has oxegen in her room. In comes the worst of the argument. She smokes a pack a day in her bedroom and often dosent turn the oxegen off. Im terrified she will cause an explosion and kill us with her. When I take the cigs it turns into a horrible argument. My mother has treated her grandchildren so horribly none have been to my home for 2 years. She has a sister who will not even answer her phone when she calls. She asked a cousin if she could move in and was told no. So she informed me that I would have to have a judge remove her from my home. I accepted years ago that my mom had no use for me. At 10 years old she informed me that she couldnt believe god took johnny instead of me. I heard that for years. I would cry untill I matured and realized she was the one messed up not me.
Now I am 50 years old and taking the verbal abuse again. I hear about how fat I am and dumpy I am. I buy a new outfit and get told I look rediculous. I need some help trying to figure out how to get her out of here. I had to give her the pain meds back last week because she threatened to quit taking her other medicines and she would accuse me of keeping them from her. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Ive been happily married for 28 years to a wonderful man and have 2 beautiful daughters. We own our own home. She has her own room with a bath and never has anyone in my family not made her feel this wasnt her home too. We fix her plate every night, take her to dr. Appts, wash her clothes, and still she treats us this way. Anyone who can please guide me in the right direction I would be so grateful. I am so stressed. I cant sleep, ive gained 40 pounds and im tired everyday.
Have a blessed day
It takes such strength and perseverence.
Caregivers, no matter how it appears--we are the ones who stepped into the breach. That takes remarkable courage.
Curiosity: wondering how she lasted til now, still holding onto an active debit card...
gotta be kinda like my drunk uncle...we even called the PD to get them to catch him driving, yet, they refused to stop him! We even scrambled all his keys, to make it so he couldn't find the right one to drive with...still failed to stop him.
Yet, he had a great trick to take Gma's license from her earlier in her Alzheimers: he arranged with the DOL to help her fail the drivers test they cooked up for her...that way, the DOL was the "bad guy", not Uncle.
SO glad you are taking care of you, setting limits on her use of you!
It's really hard to do that, but once the process is practiced, it gets easier.
If you have kids, you are also role-modeling for them.
Priceless!
I still have too many moments of profound grief over loss of family relations I never really had. I simply cannot get sucked back into their behaviors anymore, no matter how much I love them--it's such a trap..
Dysfunctional families are messy business.
But I think, maybe, those of us who stop buying into it, and change completely, that maybe, next generations can learn better, do better.
Hopefully to stop repeatinng dysfunctional history.
And whatever you decide to do, don't you dare feel guilty! (My stepdaughter told me that if I ever started feeling guilty after her dad died I should let her know and she'd come whop me long side the head. I'd make the same promise to you if it weren't so dang far to come to do it.)
A sudden urge to work in the kitchen has overcome me. I'm trying new recipes and cooking real food. I take that as a good sign I'm on the mend. I gave my son Pat (who lives with me) three cook books and asked him to pick out something that sounded good. He took them into his room. I figured he might open a book at random, wait a half an hour, and tell me that was what he wanted. But half an hour later he emerged with a list of 4 to 7 recipes from each book. I take that as a sign that he is on the mend, too. Coy's death was really very hard on him, too.
Last week's new recipes were for cholent and a fancy mac and cheese. Superb! I also tried a mushroom soup recipe that wasn't a keeper. Two out of three isn't bad. Tomorrow I'm trying a crockpot recipe for Thai chicken with peanut sauce.
My mother, 92 with dementia, is going to spend one weekend a month with me, to give my sister some respite. I'm a little nervous. I wasn't able to help my sisters much with her while I was taking care of Coy. She moved in with my sister Pat (yes, my son was named for her) five weeks ago and dear Pat is already going nuts but doing a great job. We all know what that is like, don't we?
Can't wait to hear about your new hat, Lisa.
Kimbee - glad you dropped by, but sorry your mum is not doing so well.Look after you (((((((hugs))))
Jeanne - hope you are getting some good ideas about sleep, Insomnia is the pits. I am with everyone on the posts - yours are fine. Maybe a few people are suffering from the winter blahs. Hope you are feeling better.((((((((((hugs)))))))))
cat - you seem to be hanging on there...good!
austn - good to see you emerging from the blues
cmag -hi -always nice to see you posting here
marcia - can you get some help from social services, or the local Agency on Aging. Could your doctor help as he/ she will recognize that caring for your husband is too much for you/ Lisa (survivor2) called in social services and told her story.
vstefans - good advice, as always.
hi beanie - hope you enjoyed the Teepa Snow session
My friend had her surgery yesterday and they took two lymph nodes, both of which were clear, so it looks like the cancer has not metastasized. She was resting and comfortable last night. I am relieved. Thanks to anyone who prayed. I am finally shaking the flu, or whatever I got around Christmas. They often seem to hang on for me. Then I got an allergy "hit" this morning - aaaargh!!! Hard to tell what is a cold, or the flu, or allergy sometimes, but this morning was allergies.
Part of what sent me into the pit was reading a quote from Aubrey De Grey - "the first human who will live up to 1,000 years is probably already alive now"
my first reaction was "Oh my Lord, that would be mother!" It is enough to send anyone into a downward spiral!!! LOL Then I started to think that I would just have to be the second person to live that long, though I am not sure I would want to. What a thought!!! They better find a cure for wrinkles and sags if people are going to live that long. Not bad now, but after 700 yrs I may trip over something. ;)
Tonight we are going to my son and dil's to watch the PBS version of Les Mis. I gave them the DVD. Should be a nice evening.
♥, hugs and prayers, and a few laughs :-D if you can find them. Joan
I was forced to put him into an assisted living facility, but he got so depressed that he had to be hospitalized.
He was treated and sent to physical rehab for 5 weeks...now he is home...he would not go back to assisted living; though it was a very nice place.
I have medical issues of my own and cannot care for his many needs.
How do I have him removed from the home if it is affecting my health?
He is of sound mind, but does not want to hear any of my problems in caring
for him.
I've always enjoyed reading your advice and think your communication skills are fine. Take care.
My sleep therapy isn't going so well, but we have a little different approach to try.
In the past few days on this forum I've been called "immature," "hostile," "critical," and "condescending." Sigh. It leads me to wonder if my communication skills are slipping or I'm getting careless repeating the same messages over and over or I just coincidentally encountered several people in a bad mood. I'm going to cut back on my participation here, but I'll continue to follow this thread.
Lisa dear, hang in there! Worry and sadness seem appropriate under the circumstances, but I wish you weren't in these circumstances. Jeanne
Lisa in quite a while. I guess everyone is busy... But Lisa how are your PIL's?
Jeanne: A million hugs to you. I'm hugging you and hugging you. Let me just say that Paxil is a good antidepressant where anxiety is involved. You might want to consider it and give it a try. It sure works for me. I am an anticipator, someone who is always thinking ahead about what needs to be done, etc. It was a wonderful attribute for planning trips, etc for children with high-risk and terminal illnesses. It kept me a step ahead and helped me be prepared for all possible contingencies. On the down side, it doesn't let me rest. Paxil did not keep me from being pro-active, but it did keep a lot of the anxiety at bay. It's not the answer to everything, but I sure sleep better. Sleep is always a tough one for me. Sorry about the advise, but it's the price of hugs. Love you, Cat.
My sleep therapy (for Delayed Sleep Phase Disorder) is not going well at all. It is stressful.
Last night while not sleeping I was thinking about and missing Coy. I'm sure that is to be expected. This morning I awoke with general free-floating anxiety. You know, like "omg, I've got that root canal appointment in an hour" or "I have to go to the bank and straighten out that mess," but with no event or specific worry to attach it too. Actually, I'm on Lexapro for that kind of feeling (and others) but I'll admit I'm not taking my drugs very faithfully.
I see the sleep therapist Monday. I see the psychiatrist in two weeks. I see the sleep doctor in a month. I just got a packet from hospice to sign up for grief counseling. I'm not without resources.
I just need a hug!
I am so glad to see you write "but i'm out..i can't anymore..not good for me or my family."
You are correct about that! Stick to your guns. Usually we cannot save a person from themself.
Jeanne, I seem to remember that you were sending out job applications. I am wondering if anything is happening for you job-wise.
Lisa, you are quiet. How are the pils? Gosh that sounds like "pills", but they are not. Ray is having chemo now? I gather your DG is quiet. I wish!!!
Cat, jude, KIMBEE (capitals because I am calling). austin and all - hope quiet means life is good.
♥, hugs and prayers for all Joan