My mother moved in with me when my oldest sister dies who lived with her. My brother died when I was 9. My mother and 2 sisters have been addicted to pain meds for years. One sister comitted suicide and the other who lived with mom died when her colon died. Her body couldnt even process the pain meds anymore. Years ago I made the decision to walk away and would only hear from mom when the oldest sister drained her accounts . When she died my moms accountwas charged 983 dollars in overdraft charges alone. So my only option was to move her in. She was in the hole over 2000.00. My husband and I discussed it. We felt this may be a chance to form a friendship if nothing else.
It has been a battle since after the first 3 months. When she accused my daughters fiance of stealing her pain pills I took control of them. She is forced to go to a pain management dr to get her pain meds every 3 months. She goes in my room searching for them while we work. She accuses me of stealing her money. There is nothing wrong with my moms mind. Just this month alone she has spent 732.00 at qvc. She has spent 1000's with qvc since shes been here. Mom has copd and has oxegen in her room. In comes the worst of the argument. She smokes a pack a day in her bedroom and often dosent turn the oxegen off. Im terrified she will cause an explosion and kill us with her. When I take the cigs it turns into a horrible argument. My mother has treated her grandchildren so horribly none have been to my home for 2 years. She has a sister who will not even answer her phone when she calls. She asked a cousin if she could move in and was told no. So she informed me that I would have to have a judge remove her from my home. I accepted years ago that my mom had no use for me. At 10 years old she informed me that she couldnt believe god took johnny instead of me. I heard that for years. I would cry untill I matured and realized she was the one messed up not me.
Now I am 50 years old and taking the verbal abuse again. I hear about how fat I am and dumpy I am. I buy a new outfit and get told I look rediculous. I need some help trying to figure out how to get her out of here. I had to give her the pain meds back last week because she threatened to quit taking her other medicines and she would accuse me of keeping them from her. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Ive been happily married for 28 years to a wonderful man and have 2 beautiful daughters. We own our own home. She has her own room with a bath and never has anyone in my family not made her feel this wasnt her home too. We fix her plate every night, take her to dr. Appts, wash her clothes, and still she treats us this way. Anyone who can please guide me in the right direction I would be so grateful. I am so stressed. I cant sleep, ive gained 40 pounds and im tired everyday.
Have a blessed day
nice to see you post, janeb and sorry about your dad
cat - I know you will have a lot of memories this season, and going into the next year
I remember the first New Year after Gordie died. I didn't want a new year to start without him.
jeanne - good for you for working on your appearance. Purple with beaded neckline sounds right up my alley - so does getting food on your clothes -especially shirts. I used to blame the kids when they were little, but had to stop that as they grew up, and own my own "spillpower". I like the story about your mum. Dish detergent works for quite a few things - my first "go to" usually. I consider myelf an expert in stain removal, between myself and the 4 kids. Another thing that works on grease stains is talcum powder. Shake some on, rub it in, and let it sit, and absorb the grease, rub it off with a cloth and repeat as needed. Then launder. Talc has saved many a day, and shirt for me.
Sorry about the bad days, but I know they come with the territory, and I am glad you are doing a little better now. I thought of you and Coy when we were at the dinner theatre and toasted you silently with my glass of white wine, It was a great show . At one point I felt like getting up and dancing in the aisles, as the music was so "rousing". The suite that came with the dinner theatre package was very nice indeed, and we both enjoyed it all thoroughly. What I could eat was very limited, of course, but a chef prepared me a lovely plate of salmon, and steamed veg, and told me next time to let them know in advance. Gary said the carrot cake was the best he had ever had. It was a great weekend other than arriving at the hotel to16 crazy emails from my narcissistic mum who, of course, wanted to be up front and center, and couldn't let us have a quiet few days to ourselves. More on that later.
Thinking of you all - Lisa -you had a great birthday and Christmas. I am so glad. Austin you are quiet. I know you have a lot on your mind, jude (((((((hugs))))))), everyone - here's hoping the new year brings good things to everyone
Love (((((((hugs))))))) and prayers -- Joan
Several pages back a couple of you were discussing taking pride in your appearance. Well, I mostly take pleasure in my comfort, and since I've worked at home for a few years my wardrobe consists of rag-tag t-shirts and pull-on pants. Inspired by your conversation, I decided to upgrade my closet contents. I've been watching sales and buying cotton knit shirts that don't look like the leftovers from a church rummage sale. They are nice and long so they cover my bulging belly. I don't have to tug them down when I open the door to a delivery and I'm not embarrassed if I run into a neighbor at the local Target.
So, the very first time I wore the purple with a beaded neckline I got a grease stain on my left breast. And the very first time I wore the royal blue with the reindeer I got a grease stain right below his hoof. Arghhh ... this, I remember, is why my wardrobe looks shabby. I tried a great stain remover on the inside hem of the blue shirt. Seemed OK. I tried it on the stain and now I have a big bleached spot with a grease stain in the middle. Sigh.
But, and here is my holiday gift to all of you, I discovered a nifty way to remove food grease from cotton knits -- Dawn dish detergent! First wet the stain, then work up a little lather with Dawn, rinse, and wash garment as usual. I was sitting in a restaurant in my stain-free purple shirt last week, thinking of how glad I was to find that tip and I dropped oil and vinegar dressing on my chest. So I had a second chance to try the remedy and it does work! WooHoo! (If you are not sloppy yourself, maybe this will come in handy with your loved one's clothes.)
This reminds me of my mother, who is notorious for getting food on her clothing. On a nice summer day she and I took visiting relatives on a day's outing. We ate in a nice river-front restaurant and we all teased Ma for wearing a white outfit and ordering spaghetti. "You know you are going to wind up wearing that spaghetti sauce!" So she tucked paper napkins into her belt and under her chin. The waitress got into the act and brought extra napkins. It was pretty funny. When we finished and she pulled all the napkins off she said, "See, my white clothes are spotless." And then she stepped away from the table and revealed tomato sauce on her nice white tennis shoes!
See? I come by it honestly.
I've had some bad days last week. I'm doing a little better now.
Joan: Sounds like you are busy. You take care and enjoy your time with friends and family. I'm all for a quiet new years.
Love to all, Cat
I had a special treat when a friend of Gordie's from high school days 15 yrs ago came on face book and wrote "Hi Mom". I hadn't had contact with him in years, and had often wondered how he was. We helped him out a bit at that time. It was great hearing from him, and I have invited him to visit and tell us about his adventures. He was a missionary for quite a while, and also volunteered in the Israeli army. Dinner last night with Penny and Dave was great, and we loved Les Miserables. Gordie played JeanValjean in his high school production, which I unfortunately was not able to attend. It always is special for me. Gary's two grandsons arrived safely. His daughter didn't need to be induced. The baby was 7 lbs 13. Christmas Festivities are continuing with supper here tomorrow night and at dd's Friday, then the dinner theatre.. We tend to do things after rather than before. New Years will be quiet as far as I know.
Waiting to hear how everyone else did. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from our house too.
Cat
It has been quite a week. I can't even remember if I told u that my friend of 44 yrs needs a second mastectomy - she is my age and had one a couple of years ago, but no radiation or chemo. This one sounds worse. I feel like I am losing her in pieces. She uses a walker due to arthritis and will be in a wheel chair soon, I think. As well, a few days ago my dil revealed her childhood abuse by two of her brothers, and the whole story - ugly stuff -she has been diagnosed bipolar, and the meds are playing havoc with her health. I wept on the way home after hearing it. They have invited me to come to their house and go to Les Miserables (the movie) on Christmas day. I invited them back for turkey after G gets back from seeing his kids. His oldest daughter has had some problems with her pregnancy so all are a bit concerned. She will be induced around Christmas. Mother is now rethinking her arrangements. She will do what she will do.
love the stories of dinner by firelight
thx all for supportive comments - I am a bit of a basket case right now emotionally, Christmas is always hard and I think of Gordie more -the empty chair thing, then all of the above
marylee - keep looking for solutions, Know all about expensive pet surgery -but what do you do
yogi good to see you here
jeanne - grief is very physical as well as emotional. As I have learned it mourning is the outward manifestation of grief - the behaviours. If you feel like you are going out of your mind you are normal - you too cat. I know you both will be reminiscing and feeling the loss this Christmas. Jeanne the hard tears that you think will never stop don't last that long though they can be scary when they happen, however, usually you feel better afterwards.
Lordy Lisa -forgot the dogs - thats a hoot
wondering about Kimbee
Jude -where are you???, austin ditto
G is very stressed from work and the upcoming trip to see his kids. His ex is always there too with them, and there are still hard feelings.
Looking forward to a nice time at new years and the dinner theatre.
Love and hugs Joan
Marylee: agree with cat. Keep your faith up front and center.
Jeanne& cat: I'll give you an example of a big big brain fart. I had an appt to have bandit and angel groomed today. I get there, walk in with my elf hat on. Chris and his mother were smiling and looking at me very puzzled. I FORGOT THE DOGS AT HOME!!!! I was so embarrassed. Poor Beth was ringing my cell phone and it aggravated me because she knows I won't drive and talk on the phone. Doug said she called him and he could barely understand her thru the laughter. When I FINALLY got them there and went to pick them up they both hollered don't forget the dogs. I'll be 51 next Friday. Yep, thinking my brain outrunning my age! ;)))))
Maybe you should do your insulin in a specific spot with a pad of paper where you write down the time and does, etc. Don't do it in a comfortable place because that can lead to distraction. Go in the garage if you have to, but do it someplace where you want to finish, record and go back to the usual.
I find if I am up and moving, my memory is sharper. It's when I'm engaged on the computer I tend to blank out other things. I guess it's an escape and boy, does it work.
I'd be more worried if the rest of the family weren't going through the same things. I honestly never realized that part of being in mourning could be cognitive impairment!
Please tell me that this hasn't been constant for you for three months! I hope that you were back to normal and are just having a relapse at the holidays. I need to go back to work next month -- and I think for a living!
Jeanne: I read your post on Caring Bridge today. Let me just say there in nothing wrong with your mind. I am amazed at how disconnected I am in so many ways. Last night I put some clothes in the wash. A couple hours later I remembered them and went to put them in the dryer. They were already in the dryer and they were dry. I have no memory of putting them in the dryer. I meant to ask my husband today if he put them in the dryer which I doubt completely. But, gee, I forgot to ask him. I think I am missing my dad and my mom this year. They are both gone now, my dad just less than 3 months ago. After having them in my care for over 7 years, it's just a big change. I don't feel devastated, just befuddled. I hope you enjoy every minute of your family gathering. Don't be upset if you don't remember all of it.
Lisa: My heart goes out to Ray and all of you who love him. I don't know what to say, but at least he has a goal and that is to be there for his wife. Maybe I am feeling a little fatalistic tonight, but I think that the writing is on the wall with your parents-in-law and the best you can do is be there for them. Be the best family advocates you can, but accept that in time you will be giving them over to God. I pray that their love for each other can give them comfort and that all of you can share in the abundance of the years of love they have shared with all of you. I know it's difficult, but try to prepare yourselves for the difficulties that are coming and just know that the love you hold for them and the support you all will give is the same as they have given each of you over the years. What more could anyone ask.
I've noticed that Kimbee has not posted in a while, so I am concerned for what is happening with her mom.
Joan: You are a tender soul and we all appreciate your thoughts, feelings, remembrances and your wicked sense of humor.
Judy: I've missed you. Just not posting like I use to, but I can't stay away from this thread.
As for the shooting in Conn. What can I say. I am so heartbroken and angry. Warren and I have a meeting with our senator this Friday to discuss the issue. I am so tired of people who do not secure their guns in a safe. Anyway. we will put our two cents in, in written form, and piss in the wind and see what slaps us in the face first.
Diavilon: Sending you hugs and best wishes. You are a compassionate soul.
Marylee: Welcome. Keep posting here. People care about you.
Ok, enough from me. Sending love to all of you. You are the most amazing woman.
Love, Cat