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Went swimming today. Took a pee in the deep end.

Lifeguard noticed. Blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in.
(3)
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So…a burglar broke into my house…
I put the red dot on his chest and the cat did the rest…
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I don’t “fall asleep” -
I overthink myself into a coma.
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They say…
curiosity killed the cat.

I say…
at least the cat died knowing.
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🤔
I can’t tell if it’s killing me
or it’s making me stronger.
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Success (noun)

When you can finally give your dog the backyard it deserves.
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🙂 "When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction."
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🙄 “Some people are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them.” 
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😉 I can’t afford to die; I’d lose too much money.
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hugggg
🙂🙂🌼🌼🙂🙂
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Bundleofjoy, this is not a joke but I wanted to tell you something. I took Mom to eye doctors today, I'm not sure why but what you said about laughing at evil yesterday, must of really got in my head.

When the secretary asked mom to put me on as a refural, and she said no , I couldn't stop giggling. My evil brother would have a fit if he wasn't 110 percent in charge, and I couldn't stop giggling at the insanity of it all

Then we run into my sister, who randomly had a doctors visit too, and I started to giggle again.

So thanks for the laughs today.
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🤓 The brain is the most outstanding organ. It works 24/7, 365 from birth until you fall in love.


(bundle of joy currently experiencing this)
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That’s it.
I’ve used up my luck for the year!
🍀🍀🍀
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Him: I need advice.

Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast).
You came to the right person.
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Who set up my mood on shuffle?
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Me: Am I lonely or bored??

Stomach: Let’s just eat until we figure it out.
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🙂 "Looks like a great day to be a problem."
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"Living well is the best revenge."

Alexa, what is the second-best revenge?
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🙂 "If you wanna see my fold, you gotta catch me at a laundromat."
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Sometimes I delete my own posts
because I'm not the same person I was 4 minutes ago.
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The future, according to some scientists, will be exactly like the past, only more expensive.
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Nobody told me that when you get married the ears are sold separately.
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Marriage (noun)

A fancy way of saying I'll put up with you forever.
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(me at 16 lying in bed)
😡 It’s only 11 o’clock. I could be at a party.

(me at 26 at a party)
😡 It’s already 11 o’clock. I could be at home, in bed.
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reasons you should consider being a cat...

1.free food
2.free rent
3.sleep as long as you want to
4.look great with no effort
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(Pizza box on the table.)

X: Yesterday's pizza! 🥰

(X opens the box.)

X: Dang! It's empty...
He was only supposed to eat half. He betrayed me.

Y: Who betrayed you?

X: My past self.
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🙂🙂
Please shut your mouth when you’re talking to me.
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Single (noun)

A man who makes jokes about women in the kitchen.
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more funny insults…

I don’t know what makes you so stupid, but it works.


Are you on stupid pills?


Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?


I smell smoke. Were you thinking too hard again?
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😘 You bring out the best insults in me.
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