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6 7 8 9 10
I’m going to use what little energy I have today to breathe and maybe blink. That’s about it.
(2)
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🥰 Life is short.
Lick the bowl.
(2)
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🙂 I taught my pet wolf how to meditate…
Now he’s aware wolf.
(5)
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☹️ Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
(4)
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Dating advice:
Ask people questions that give them an opportunity to talk about themselves:

What the h*ll is wrong with you?
(3)
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🙂 🐈 Cat worries:
What if I'm too awesome?
(1)
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If I had 100 friends...
I would turn my phone off.
(1)
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Low self-esteem:

Dear Diary,
Sorry to bother you again...
(1)
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At my funeral instead of putting flowers on my casket. I want the flowers to be thrown into group of mourners attending my funeral to see who is next.
(4)
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🙄😘
I wish I were full of tacos 🌮 instead of emotions.
(3)
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Body type:
Clearly not one to turn down a taco.
(2)
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No one will ever be there in “two minutes”.
(3)
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If you’re 40+
it’s time to leave the young girls alone and get a woman who understands the first signs of stroke.
(3)
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Stop complaining about your life.
There are people out there dating your ex.
(4)
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🙂 One day I was born.

☹️ Then everything bothered me.

🙂 And that brings us up to date.
(3)
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Pretty rude that the weekend is already almost over, but ok.
(2)
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🤯 It is astonishing how long it takes to finish something you are not working on.
(5)
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🤔 Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.
(3)
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🙂 Nothing spoils a good story like the arrival of an eyewitness.
(3)
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Sometimes someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race & changes you forever…

We call these people cops.
(4)
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🙂 I just want to feel wanted by someone other than the police.
(2)
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😇 Hold still, I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
(2)
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Strangers have the best candy.
(1)
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😇 I’m not lazy. I’m just very relaxed.
(1)
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🤮 I have multiple personalities and none of them like you!
(1)
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🙂 Just a life update:
hungry again.
(0)
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🙂 You bring the tequila, I'll bring the bad decisions.
(1)
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🙂 "Trust me. You can dance."
--Tequila
(2)
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Wife: Why did I get fat during quarantine?

Husband: You were never really skinny!

Time of death: 4/25/20
11:23 pm
Cause of death: Corona virus
(1)
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😇🙄
If it wasn’t for my incredible will-power, I’d be exercising right now.
(4)
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6 7 8 9 10
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