I'm feeling so trapped and resentful. I want my life back.

When I read this I think of how did I manage. I never wanted money from Dad as sometimes he would give me money for food or the bills but I never spent it..I still have it in an envelope. I paid for everything!! For love. I could not charge my father any money and even watched him give the kids money and never said a word. It is what I did and it is true the nurse home health aides get good money for what they do for one hour what we caretakers do 24/7. Unreal but it is a tough job and should be compensated. I would never take care of anyone else outside my family without being compensated. It is only just and fair. That being said I hope I never have to do what I did for the length of time that I did for anyone else ever. It about killed me. But I would do it all over again for the love of my father:( How I miss him so much. Blessings to all of you.

there is a thread asking about: How much money does a live-in caregiver get paid?
Read over the answers and you'll see the last one explained her contract for the 93 yr. old. She gets her own apartment in the house, $200 a week, plus all medical and dental..plus utilities and food. She does light housekeeping and does cook dinner for the two of them. She also has a 3 month "relocation" agreement if the lady dies or goes some other place. And two weeks vacation and I think every other weekend off.
If you can find that, copy and paste and print it out. Give it some real thought! You are more valuable than anyone is giving you credit for.

Booklvr, YOU ROCK! You are so spot on, you are ALWAYS spot on. I wish you lived here. I wish all you KAW lived here. Ya'll are so smart and have tender hearts besides. I could use a cheer team that kicked my butt now and then. :)

You are all so supportive and right on the mark about the issues of my husband and his dad.
Whoever commented that caregiving reveals your character, was correct. So many times in my life I have been the " one who rescues".....friends, family, neighbors.
I did get out yesterday, went downtown ( very quaint area ) and looked around, got a few things, like essential oil, soap. My fil actually gave me the whole $80 instead of 20 a week.
Again, about the rescue bit, I think that is sommething I can work on with my therapist. This has been going on most of my life and now I am just drained by most people I know.....maybe time to make new friends.
Hospice does provide a respite break every 60 days. My fil just out right refused the first few times, but now has gone twice. I had to beg him to go.
The care center also takes patients in for symptom management and/or if they have two weeks or less of life. I guess every state is different.
Who ever wrote about the " free rent", no that was not the reason my husband and I moved in. We both have done major household repairs, landscaping, hauling off junk, cleaning ( there was the worse roach infestation i have ever seen when we moved in ) and when I was working, paid him money. We also buy all the groceries, household supplies and I do all the cooking, laundry, cleaning, finances, etc. We moved in initally to get rid of my fil's daughter who was abusive and stealing from her dad ( that is one long nightmare ).
It just seemed when we " cleaned house " of daughters who were sponging off his dad, his health really began to decline.
Thanks for all the support. You guys are great.
Dina

There was a poster here who helped caregive her MIL. Nobody believed how mean she was to her. MIL was so nice to her in front of people...even with the kids around. Only when they were alone, did MIL show her mean side. One day, she finally got fed up with the lack of help from husband and sil. She packed up and left. Her daughter was shocked with this event and stayed with the father and grandma - to help with grandma. Daughter was angry with mother for leaving them. As time went by, MIL could NOT hide the mean spiteful side of her. Her only target was no longer there. So, she turned against those around her. Daughter saw the real side and now understood her mom's situation. Her husband was so angry at first. He threatened her with all kinds of things and ordered her back. She refused. As time went by, he was becoming frustrated with his mother. He called his sister to help. She too saw the mean side. In the end, both of them tried and begged for her to come back. She refused. Finally, both siblings put their mother in an AL (or was it NH?) Only then, did she finally move back home. This is based on a true poster here on AC. I had followed her journey and cheered her on. I also was not surprised that she moved back to hubby because...the thorn of their marriage is no longer there.

Sometimes, it takes getting up, making a stand and doing it - in order for your husband or family to see the True situation...or should I say - Experience the true situation. I agree that you should get an outside job. It doesn't have to be full-time. You go get a good part-time job for YOU. Trust me, when you work, people praise you, compliment you - the clothes you wear, the color makes you beautiful, that you have a beautiful smile or how friendly you are, etc...All these feedbacks at work will Rebuild Your depleted Self Esteem. It will help you grow and stand proudly. And when you go home to face those dreadful I-don't-want-to-go-home thoughts, it will help you face it. And each night, you sink down. But each day at work, will rebuild you up. I've helped caregive my mom for 23 years. I never quit my job to help her - my dad retired early to do that - since it was his wife. I've had to work part-time for a while when mom was too aggressive for father to handle alone. Trust me - get a job and it will be Your Sanity and your Freedom (if you ever need it)!

Once you have steady income, your hubby may look down on you for making such measly $$. But, this will be YOUR Security blanket if you ever must need it for emergencies. I'd strongly recommend to start saving as much as you can. For emergencies.

You're right of course Bonnie. I know I am incapable of work. But I do miss having a reason to go to bed on time and wake up in the morning. I used to speak of volunteer work, but going out amongst people frightens the hell out of me now. Since the last relapse I am not the same person. I don't know who she was, or if she was real. I can't quite reach her, she is out of my grasp now. Has anyone else had a breakdown? Do they feel very different?

Don't remember who said this but it is a simple statement of what one needs for happiness.
1. A positive reason to get up in the morning. Some kind of work/hobby/school.
2. Goals to look forward to...plans, dreams, "bucket list" even TGIF!
3. Someone or something to share love with you. Could be your kitty cat!

When someone is unhappy, look to see which if not all the above are out of whack or unfulfilled.

Ditto, what BonnieW said. Get a good family law attorney now, get acceptable back pay for doing the caregiving. Get this in place, just in case. You don't have to go through with it.
Husband sounds afraid: lots of things. Must be rough on a man when his father is a bully, and he sees his wife just doing whatever it takes to weather the storm, trooper that you are. He's feeling like a wimp, I bet. What do you think?

JessieBelle and Chicago could be right - but - just one alternative thought. You wrote "The last time I broached the subject of getting more help from my husband, he exploded and stormed out of the house....I know my husband should do more...even when he is home, he is either working in the yard or on the computer...I have lost some respect for him...may ruin my marriage. Which implies that your marriage was not bad before this. Men are sometimes absolutely awful about expressing ANY feelings besides anger, so EVERYTHING comes out as anger, even when anger is senseless and selfish. Is it possible that he simply can't stand his dad? That Dad was abusive to him and he knows he could not possibly deal with it now, and that leaves him feeling so much guilt and grief that he just can't face it and if you couldn't and he had to, he REALLY would lose it? And he knows this is not fair to you and can't face you anymore either so retreats into his work, that infamous all-purpose manly excuse to avoid everything?

Look, if your marriage is about to end over this, there is not that much to lose - you could try asking/telling hubby, with or without breaking down and crying, what would happen if I stopped going out to take care of your Dad?...because I am going to, I cannot stand even another week of this, I feel like a wreck, I am a wreck, my doctor wants me to quit, and I hate what my life has become, a living hell. Tell him you know you are supposed to love him and enjoy your marriage with him but you feel like by the time this is over there will be nothing left unless something gives, NOW. He may be in complete denial that this situation could end your marriage and then he will really be faced with the thing he thinks he can't face, and is thinking he can get away with never having to, because somehow you can do it.

susan - I am so glad you are taking a break

dina - hope you take some action - you deserve better

I am sending Hugs & kisses out to all of you!!!!!!! Y'all are a wonderful supportive group,glad i found y'all!!!!!

Dina, you got my attention at "$20 a week". I'm almost speechless! Even hired help get more than that. You need a raise, like 2-1/2 years ago. And your husband allows this? He and your FIL don't deserve you. If you think your husband is going to take Pa's money and divorce you then get yourself prepared. I hope it doesn't come to that but if you think it's headed that way, go get some clothes, a job, a place to live and a lawyer. If your husband has taken advantage of you this long by letting you take care of HIS father, he isn't very nice. He's proved that by leaving you all the time while he goes to a horse farm. Excuse me? You sound like a sweet woman and you deserve better.
P.S. just because your husband isn't physically abusive does not make him nice. I used to say that about my husband, I was in denial. He ruined my credit and stole my identity for starters. That's why he's my ex.

Well Dina, all of the comments have been spot on. You really need a paying job outside the home to make you feel safe, secure and valued.

How about asking Hospice about their facilities? If the nurse said he could have 8 weeks to live, then he ought to be in hospice care at their place. ( I'm not sure what they call the homes.) They have respite care facilities that you could ask for so you can get a break and get a job.
Someplace I read about getting some financial aid for the caregiver from SS/Medicare. But if he is in the hospice program, that may not be available.
It sounds like your marriage is in trouble particularly if you suspect your spouse will divorce after he inherits from his father. He ought to be worrying about you divorcing him!
It's probably time to seek some legal advise on your behalf. Go through the domestic abuse folks in your town to find out what rights you have and what actions you could take, if necessary.
You have a great deal of various issues going on that must be very draining just to think about them all! Do you have any support from your family?
Do you have a place to run away to?
You are being abused. you know. If Jodi Arias could shoot her boyfriend and then stab him 26 times and then slit his throat all because she was an "abused" exgirlfriend...holy cow!
Anyway, you need some emotional and physical help here. Did you quit your job to take care of your FIL? How did you get in this mess? Is it "free rent" with the caregiving part of the deal? What are the ages of the folks involved? How long have you been married?
Just thinking what I'd do in your spot..guess the old management problem solving method is applicable here...When in doubt, revert to structure.
So, I think I would seek help from the domestic abuse program, seek help from the hospice program, and seek support from your doctor...and I'd rat my husband out to the bishop/minister!

Keep in touch.
Bonnie

Wow you are a saint. Read the other answers on here, and ask yourself what advice you would give a friend in your situation.

Dina, great, honest response. You are very strong and capable. You remind me of someone else I know who takes a lot of crappola. lol
Caregiving and other traumatic experiences bring out people's character, for sure.
It is a perfect time to reevaluate one's life and make plans for After Caregiving. It gives one hope, direction, and time to formulate. We support you, Dear One. xo

I am sorry to say, that my husband has ruined his credit. Christina, a philisopical way I have been looking at this, is the state of my marriage. If my husband is bailing out bit by bit, how can I trust him or feel safe?
Yes, a meeting is in order. The last time I did have one, I ended up calling the Domestic Violence Shelter because my husband became so verbally and emotionally abusive. I am not a yeller, nor do I get loud and cannot handle when he does the yelling and cussing and getting out of control.
Normally, he is a good man, but I believe he has never matured emotionally. He is the type of person that thinks when I try to talk about a problem, that I am trying to start an arguement. I do not get it. I am not a nag. I give him lots of space. Sometimes I think he just does not love me and is using me. When his father dies, he gets the house and property. It would not surprise me, after his father's death that he will want to divorce. I don't even think I care.
In reality my father-in-law knows that I am the only one in his family that cares....I may not love him, but I do my best to respect him and treat him with compassion.
I have moved into another room, just to have my own space.
Looking at all this, it seems my problem is my marriage.
Thanks for all the support guys. It means a lot.
Dina

I believe you two women have done MORE than enough talking to these so called men in your lives. "Dear" Husbands? WHAT? Are you insane? Does he treat you like a Dear Wife? No. Then he is NOT a dear husband. Grab your purse with ALL the credit cards intact, give them a call and say, "you were warned, bye bye". Do it on a day when the help is there, tell her you need to run out for a moment as soon as she steps in, but don't tell her what is up.

You do what Jessie Belle says, charge up some nice clothing, and don't go home, find a nice hotel and pay for a month in advance just in case he should decide to cut off the credit, and then get a job so that you can stay gone as long as you NEED to. Because this is about your mental health now. Perhaps you should even take out cash for this. Don't go home until he shows RESPECT, AND HONOR to you and your vows as husband and wife, and kicks the mean old fart to an assisted living arrangement.

If you think he might get nasty and file for divorce, then you get every kind of proof of his treatment of you that you can before you leave. Do you think I am being silly about that part? We had a husband in here who was every bit as awful as your husbands and had his wife taking care of his mother. The things he expected of her, he acted as if he was married to his mommy and not his wife. He was a very disturbed man. We never could talk sense with him, he had come in looking for direction on how to straighten up his wife. Boy was he barking up the wrong tree, and you know me, I had no problem telling him so.

Dina,
Have you ever thought to look at your situation in a philosophical way? Ask yourself what might you gain from this experience in terms of self-growth and strengthening your weak areas?
I started asking myself these things when resentment and sheer frustration set in. I am default caregiver for my Mother, who was not my idea of a loving mother or role model. My older sister absolutely refused to participate giving lame excuses, and only does what "appears" to be her part. My brother barely takes care of himself, our other brother died young, so that left me with all the ambition and responsibility.
The saying," when the going gets tough, the tough get going" is apropos in regard to caregiving. We have to look for the best we can derive from it for our benefit. Why not? It is hard and unfair and you think you are losing your mind, so why not look for aspects to make you survive victorious?
When I have found myself feeling sorry for myself for any situation I have fallen into, eventually I get angry. This is a great motivator.
Only your personal circumstances and your motivation to resolve it will make it better. Maybe it will take leaving, maybe you need to ask for $500 a week from the guy, but whatever, your attitude toward doing something different and definitive will change the dynamics. You have nothing to lose, right?

I would leave. Seriously. Move and let these selfish men figure it out.

dinagrey, it can be the plight of women, I'm sorry to say. It may be that your way out of the situation is to start earning your own money. Men respect money and they tend to devalue "women's work." It made me sad to hear how hard you're working and that the men in your life don't even see that you have decent clothes on your back. And, like Tony said, those times spent on the horse farm are pure BS. You probably tolerate it, because you feel like you don't have any resources of your own. If I could, I would plant my cowgirl boots firmly in your husband's hindquarters. This is his father and you are his wife, and he's out at some horse farm having a good time. You have every right to be mad. No one wants to be a doormat, particularly for someone with horse poop on their boots.

I don't know how old your are, but I would say to take your credit card and go charge you some nice clothes, then find a job. It will do several things for you. First, you'll have your own money. Second, it will make you less available. Third, it will surprisingly make the men in your life respect you more. Old-school men respect money and devalue women's work. If your husband can't handle it, it seems to me it would be saying he doesn't love you enough or that he needs to take time to work on his marriage.

You take care of yourself, gf. You are a wonderful woman who is not being treated right. If they are not going to take care of you, then you'll have to take care of yourself. (Maybe you should get yourself some cowgirl boots.)

I hear you absolutely ... my fil is very old school german when men were men and women were ... well, there to look after men. I hope you get your break soon .. if you are up for it, join me in scotland next week!!!!

I think the first thing you need to do is have the family meeting. You need to sit your husband down and tell him EXACTLY how you feel.

You need to explain the physical toll on you (the Klonopin), the emotional toll and how you feel about him spending weekends at the cousin's horse farm (complete BS if you ask me).

From what you have said, this is the only way to save yourself now and your marriage later.

As for him exploding at you, it is tough to say what to do because I wasn't there and didn't see things. I don't know makes him "tick" and "sets him off". The advice I would give you is to stay calm in explaining things and try and get him to match your tonality and voice inflections.

God bless and good luck.

Susan26,
Boy, are we in the same boat. I am a very clinical person by nature, so when I did ask for help, it was in a calm state ( i think that made him more angry ) and my father-in-law can be very mean, in a passive-aggressive way most of the time, but I have been yelled at, he's been in my face. Most of the time he is in denial about anything he does.
Seducing my husband.....been there, done that. Most of the time I do not even want him touching me, cause I am so hurt by his actions. I think my husband is very selfish.
Just called social services and they told me that i am not responsible if any type of falls, as my husband has complete power of attorney, healthcare proxy, etc.,
By the way, my husband promised me that when his father got worse, that he would spend more time at home.
The aid feels that my fil can do more for himself, but just refuses. And part of the problem ( a big part ) is that we are southerners, where the women are to do all the cooking, cleaning, etc., I have told both of them that I need breaks.....goes in one ear and out the other.

oh i read your post and thought SNAP. my fil even gives me 80 euro towards me cleaning up for him each month, and this allows him to treat me as his servant, because according to him, he pays for it. the arguments in my house have gone beyond sane, as my husband also escapes whenever he can, his brother is blissfully oblivious ( i have told him exactly what is going on).
i have panic attacks, take anti depressants and am working daily through my seething mass of resentment. when i asked for more help, my husband accused me of not being supportive. i felt used and abused. it was a vicious circle.
what do we do? first things first: he is not our dad. not our responsibility. we have a choice here, even though its hard to see. marriage doesn't give them the automatic tight to expect us to do this and then treat us like absolute dirt when we do it and continue doing it. we do this out of choice, not obligation.
second thing is: make our husband hear us. take the emotion out of it, be clinical and factual, be very clear of the situation, the problem areas and propse specific solutions. i realised that when i asked for help, i was waiting til i was angry, exhausted and exploding with anger, so my husband felt criticised and attacked each time i asked for help, and so he just either escaped or exploded back. but when i gave specific problem areas and possible solutions, he listened.
get mediation if you must, so he has to listen to you. find an imago therapist in your area who will mediate, its the most effecive therapy for this kind of discussion/ conflict resolution.
find other people to vent to. i found i was 'in it' all day and everyday, so when he came home i would pour out my day, which of course was all about his dad. our conversations ended up always about his father and what mean lows he had stooped to today, and my husband couldn't / wouldn't hear it, because it was his dad. i had to vent, he didn't want to listen, and so i felt unheard. vent here, we understand.
plan an escape! I told my man in no uncertain terms that i needed to recover some strength in order to look after his dad, and to do that i need time off. if i was working a full time job, i would get leave, and so i am taking leave next week to go spend time with my mom in scotland. my man is shocked and gobsmacked, but he finally realised i was deadly serious. he doesn't like it but he finally gets that i am worn out. organise care to come and take over while you are away. if they don't like it tough. if it costs money ... tough. they need to see and feel exactly what it is we do for them, and sometimes thepurse strings need to hurt a bit before the message sinks home.
lastly: a friend of mine told me to do this, and i didn't want to because i was so angry with my husband, but: seduce your husband again. act sexy, be sexy, get his attention very firmly on the fact that you are a woman, his woman, and not just the caregiver/wife/drudge. get your relationship back to you and him, and get this old man out from between the two of you, and into his rightful place, where thetwo of you are the team who deal with him together. in order to become a team, get your husband firmly back by your side, and seduce the hell out of him and remind him how good he has it with you.
i am sending you big hugs and lots of love, because oh boy, we are in the same boat ...only difference is mine is a mean dementia patient whose body is healthy and yours is a horrible and painful physical illness. much love to you, xx

He is totally against NH care. We live in tourist area, on the coast, so anything in town is super expensive.
we do have an aid who comes in three times a week to bathe him and a nurse that comes once a week. The aid can only stay 45 minutes. My fil makes too much money for medicaid. We live in his home ( his wish ).
I have called Elder Care, they do not work in our county. It all just seems hopeless.
I think I am just going to have to leave periodically, so that both my fil and husband knows that I mean business.
Getting ready to call Social Services to make sure that I am not held responsible if he falls. I have been asking him to get the medical alert system for the past year. I believe he does not want it, because I may have a life outside of his every demand. He is mobile, uses the bathroom by himself, does his own breathing treatments, etc., so I do not see any reason why I need to be here 24/7.
Thanks

You need to stand up for yourself and demand help. Your health and well being depends on it. Does hospice not provide a daily aide for you? Have you spoken to your FIL's dr? Since you are apparently the primary caregiver, you should have some say in the quality of his care. There are also home health aids available that medicare or medicaid will pay for. Call a social worker at the hospital. They can at least tell you where to get started. You might call your local Senior Services center and ask if there is some type of home evaluation that might open up some opportunities for help. There is absolutely no reason for you to go thru this by yourself. There are people out there to help. Is your FIL totally against nursing home care or assisted living facility? We have a hospice nurse that comes once a week and a hospice aide that comes every day to help with bathing, etc. We also hired a lady to come in one day a week while my mom goes out. It is well worth the money. It may sound harsh, but if you aren't so readily available to help it might prompt them to get someone else. Good luck and God bless.