I realize that this is a trivial caregiver issue. But as a caregiver, I've been getting a bit sad lately that I can't ever wear my nicer clothes at home because they'll inevitably get stained and ruined fast. I'm not talking about designer clothing, sometimes I just want to look presentable to myself. Sometimes I want to feel uplifted and wear something pretty at home. But wearing jeans and sweats and T-shirts and and tennis shoes seems to have become my daily drab uniform. I'm so tired of looking as run down as I feel.
Besides the usual caregiver self-care routine of enough sleep, good nutrition, exercise, occasional outings for fun - how do you manage to look okay to yourself while you're actively caregiving? Is it even possible?
Should I lower my expectations about this, too?
Thanks in advance for your thoughts about this.
;)
Your week away.. no planes or long drives. Do you have a Seniors Centre? Would they run or know about any package tours for seniors? Or would you prever complete solo time?
I took a frugal holiday one time.. Stayed in an Air BnB in an un-touristy town, art gallery & museums were free/low cost. Lovely gardens, free. No cooking! I treated myself to hot lunches at cafes then cold supermarket packet food for dinner. Much cheaper than dinners out - plus I could avoid being out alone at night.
Well....of course I'm depressed (aren't we all?!) But I'm not spiralling or in crisis mode - far from it. I have numerous little teeny mini quasi happy moments every day which I cherish. I'm grateful for just about anything and everything that's not an emergency.
But you're right; I really do need a "real" respite, a total break from the daily grind. Thankfully, I have a fabulous caregiver who comes here for hubby 5 days a week for 5 hours a day. This helps tamp down the burnout process to a low simmer.
At 74 (and a half!) I'm pretty beat. I haven't had an actual full day off in 4 years. What I need/want/dream of is to put my husband in respite care at a decent nursing facility for about a week, and I need to go somewhere affordable yet beautiful and peaceful....sigh....sounds simply wonderful, doesn't it?
But whenever I actually start planning this, the cost just harshes my mellow (sorry, I'm a boomer). Husband needs 24/7 care -$$$$$$$$$$$$, Would have to be self pay - no other options (and believe me I've researched this thoroughly). On top of the self pay for hubby's respite care, I'd be paying for my own week away. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
I don't think staying at home while husband is at respite would give me any sense of respite. So I'm looking for a nearby hotel/motel/airbnb/bed&breakfast, etc, plus evaluating the cost of food $$$$$$$ (and NO I WON'T COOK during this week). No trains or planes - that cuts down the cost. a little.
I think I'm just too tired to make good plans and go on the darned vacation. (Maybe I'll hitch a ride on rh's upcoming cruise to Alaska, you know which forum poster I'm referring to, right? The one who is taking his wife with dementia on a cruise and wanted our advice and then he kind if ignored our advice.)
And about that person in the mirror...she's looking worse every day. It's so hard to add self-grooming stuff into my routine when everything else takes 110% of my energy.
Apologies for the wallowing in self pity - but waaaahhhhh!
(sound of baby crying).
I wear light make-up. For us golden gals, less is more. I don't dig for jewelry any longer except for my large hoop earrings, a watch and a pinky ring when I'm going out. I don't need to overdo it if I'm wearing one of my fancier type wigs.
Church is usually informal. So, I don't overdress for that either even though I have nice dresses left over from my office job and heels. The sidewalks are so uneven, I'm afraid of falling.
She DOES follow me EVERYWHERE.
As to mirrors in the house? I might be Sitting Shiva, so well they are gone or covered.
You must make time to shower daily and wash your hair.
Moisturize, repeat the next day.
If you can do this, the answers will come.
Seems simple.
What are you doing, if anything, for respite? You sound very depressed.
You are probably running on an empty tank.
Stop, refuel, nourish yourself with something just for you. It’s not a luxury. It’s a necessity when you are running out of fuel.
Do you have any outside help? Have you been in contact with Council on Aging in your area?
Start there. They will help guide you through the caregiving process. Please be honest with them and let them know that you need help.
Keep us posted. We care.
I start thinking about how to make life even better when my caregiving situation isn't in crisis mode, when things are more stable, when I have a tiny bit of energy, when the general outlook looks sunnier....
P.S. @MidKid, I just saw your post....I'm so sorry to hear about what's going on with your husband. Sounds like he's suffering deeply with grieving and depression, which of course causes you much anguish to witness.
I think I'd seek counselling for some experienced advice about how best to help my husband. (Otherwise I'd be circling down the old familiar rabbit hole... depleting my own energy from chasing my own tail trying to figure out what the heck to do to solve this.) LO needs professional help to recover from this major loss and hopefully a skilled and respected counsellor of some sort (social worker, mental health practitioner, therapist, possibly even your primary care physician) can provide guidance regarding how to get your husband to agree to engage in therapy and/or meds to get through this period as smoothly as possible.
Sending good wishes.
Does your husband have any friends or family that can get him outta bed, sometimes advice or a push from the outside is better received because your so close to him.
However, this last year, caring for his mother until her death in February has aged him 10 years. His hair became totally white and his skin is a grey-toned as opposed to his year round golf tan.
He looks miserable all the time. Even tho MIL is gone, he is still stuck in 'depressed' mode.
IDK what to do for him or about him. It makes me sad, b/c he doesn't want to DO anything or go anywhere. He rarely smiles and if he sits down anywhere, he's sound asleep in minutes, no matter where we are.
It's just so sad. He's losing out on the last years of his life and I can't do or say anything to help him. Refuses counseling and any kind of therapy. Just sleeps all day, day after day.
It's been 4 months since MIL died and he has gotten a lot worse, mood wise. I know grieving can be a very long process, but he's actually worse than he was 4 months ago.
He's making no attempt to deal with his emotions. Just sleeping. And binge watching terrible TV shows.
Sorry, just realized I misread your question. On a daily basis, I would always put on blush so that I looked alive lol and maybe a little tinted lip balm. If you have some simple jewelry that won’t get in the way of caregiving duties, take a moment and put it on and then enjoy looking at it. It’s also easy to throw on a nicer top just for dinner, don’t worry about the shorts and tennies underneath! And speaking of underneath, you can always wear some pretty undergarments.
For instance, new mothers always look harrassed, worn down. People studying for exams. People who work long hours.
If you are putting yourself out there for someone or something, appearance seems to take a back seat. I used to spend a fair amount of time primping in front of the mirror. Then caring for mom happened. Then she died and depression happened. My looks started to seem very unimportant. There's a part of me that still wants to primp but now at age 62 (which is by no means ancient, don't get me wrong) I just find it all too much effort. As long as I'm still cleansing and moisturizing, I find swiping a bit of powder and lipstick is about all I can face.
Don't follow my example. If you can manage it, primp a bit. But also give yourself a break too.
I do wake up say I'm going to look my best today, dress up and hour latter I'm back in my tees and shorts because there is always something to do, that gets you dirty.
I'd say pick a few things that you don't neglect ever to make you feel good about your self. Like don't neglect your hair or something, anything that makes you feel like a woman.
at home for a “ date “ with hubby ?
Order a nice meal to be delivered , be dressed the way you want to dress even if it’s only for a couple of hours . Set the table alittle nicer, put on some music . And you didn’t have to cook !