Caregiving as a way to inherit stuff?

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Caregiving as a way to inherit stuff?

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T timbuktu Jun 2014 · Answer 1 · 2014-06-08T20:12:44.000-0400

My father died of leukemia.At the time the particular type he had there was little that could be done, had frequent blood transfusions,basically that was all that was keeping him going. My mother called me one morninging frantic because daddy didn't want anymore transfusions.I picked him up at the hospital after his last transfusion and I told him I will do whatever you want. I am retired nurse and sure I wanted to try this and that but it was his life and he was rational but tired and it was his right.I made sure his wishes were respected even though the narcissistic mother that now lives with me didn't want him dying in the house.I made sure she knew it was also his house and involved hospice,they were wonderful.He died in his bed , in his room with his little dog at his side because that is what he wanted.It might not have been what I wanted but it was his decision and I respected it and I believe he made it with a rational mind.

M movingup Jun 2014 · Answer 2 · 2014-06-08T20:41:23.000-0400

Caregiving is a chancy method of getting an inheritance. There might not be much left if the parent lives a long time and they are very sickly and require professional care. Most of the time the elders end up in a nursing home even though the daughter made a valiant attempt to keep them at home, often at the expense of her own life.

Anyway the parent may just decide to leave all to the cat home at the last minute.

I do think the caregiver should be reimbursed for her work at the time of the work, if the parent has money. This is a way of giving the work the recognition it deserves. Enough of this "it's just common sense", of minimizing and belittling the effort involved. Also just being available, even though nothing is happening, is not nothing. Being available for the parent means not being available for all other opportunities, paid or not.

The trouble with my mother is that she doesn't want to pay anyone. She complains about the lack of workmen to fix the house but she begrudges paying them adequately and this in an area with plenty of jobs. She wants to sit on a pile of money and play power games with it. People should be happy to work for free for her.

J JessieBelle Jun 2014 · Answer 3 · 2014-06-09T01:13:49.000-0400

movingup, you said it so well. We don't talk about it much on the group, but many seniors have a "mine, mine, mine" way about them if a caregiving child moves in. We often hear things like "It is my house," "It is my TV," "It is my money," etc. They refuse to consider paying a caregiver (outside or family) because they may need the money to live later. It ends up being a lot like the story of Cinderella, but with most of the sympathy and attention being given to the elder.

So why do caregivers go through it? Because someone needs to. In my family I know I am the only one who could do it. My brothers wouldn't be able to handle it. It isn't their fault. They've just led sheltered lives, while mine has been much tougher. There's not much I can't handle if I have to. (Feels good to compliment myself.)

My mother once talked of making me sole heir because she was upset that my brothers didn't pay attention to her. I told her to leave the will as it was, because I did not want her last word to my brothers to be one of anger. Besides, the money was earned by my father, who would not want his sons cut out of any that was left. Another reason is that my mother is a mean woman and if she was paying me or thought she was leaving me money, she would use it to abuse me.

Lildog, I get the feeling you are trying to back off your question. I do understand that reading a few of the random messages coming in that one might get the impression that it's about the estate for many people. I have a feeling that hard-core caregivers know it's not about money. It is probably mostly about a combination of love, obligation, and necessity. The sad result is that often the caregiver ends up exhausted, heartbroken, and in poverty. If there is an inheritance I would say it is money well earned. But for most the idea of inheritance is probably not meaningful. I could write a book on this, but I'll stop now.

F FadingShadows Jun 2014 · Answer 4 · 2014-06-09T09:05:27.000-0400

Hmmm...I've been providing a good shelter, food, and essential necessities of life for my Mom for the past 40 years. She has given her money to my sister and to a lesser extent my brother for most of that time. Had she not given me the financial POA over her finances about 10 years ago, she would be penniless since my sister continues to have her rent and household help paid for from my mother's funds by me. When my Mom passes, I intend to give what little is in her account to my sister and my brother, half and half. There is a small burial policy to pay for any final expenses not already covered in her prepaid funeral services contract.

After all this time, not to mention all the life decisions made for her benefit, I will not inherit anything.

This has been a labor of love and responsibility and not without sacrifice for me and my husband.

So pot at the end of the rainbow. ROTFLMAO.

K kazzaa Jun 2014 · Answer 5 · 2014-06-09T11:59:05.000-0400

Fading shadows i agree with you BUT there is a pot at the end of the rainbow and thats a peaceful mind knowing that you did this out of love! No amount of money can make up for that! I worry so much about how my siblings are going to cope when mum goes the regrets the guilt? If mum dies tomorrow i will be devastated but know that i was here for her and all the money cant but you a conscience!!

K kazzaa Jun 2014 · Answer 6 · 2014-06-09T12:00:35.000-0400

Sorry thas "buy you a conscience". my head is fried and im finding spelling harder OOPS hope im not losing my mind!

E eguillot Jun 2014 · Answer 7 · 2014-06-09T12:02:48.000-0400

Litldogtoo - My mom has the opposite problem - her skeletal system out while the rest of her is pretty good. She's in horrible pain most of the time, can't do a whole lot, but she's pretty healthy otherwise, and most of the time her mind is sharp as ever.

My MIL, at 91, has the constitution of an ox since she got her pacemaker/defibrillator 5 years ago, and will probably live quite awhile. Unfortunately, she now has shown signs of dementia, and my husband is up north with her now (has been for 2 weeks) getting things squared away and trying to make plans for her.

My mother signed a DNR the last time she went in the hospital, but she was in horrible pain at the time. I don't think she would sign one now. Her advanced directive is not like that. That is something I need to address with her again.

I believe our parents wishes need to be adhered to. I also believe that, to some extent, it needs to be something the survivors can live with. When my father went in for hernia surgery and aspirated before he was intubated, they were unable to get him off the ventilator. My father never wanted to be on a ventilator. He became septic. We were given the choice of removing him from the ventilator or letting him die. People were pushing us to make a decision. It was horrible. We went to a doctor who knew all of us, and he told us, "His body will make the decision for you within a few hours". He was right, and we didn't have to kill him. We had barely left the hospital and got home, when the phone rang and we had to go back.

M Marialake Jun 2014 · Answer 8 · 2014-06-09T12:50:37.000-0400

Advancing civilization............marching on.
We humans were created to live and then to die. Medical science helps us in many ways but prolonging life for the elderly.................often not a good thing
When our bodies are screaming to die and we keep them going on and on......
I'm all about comfort and rest and peace for the elderly.
My husband died a horrible cancer death. So painful! Medicine did not keep him from suffering but I think prolonging his life (chemo etc) gave him time to suffer more? I'll never know for sure.

P PStern1966 Jun 2014 · Answer 9 · 2014-06-09T15:32:31.000-0400

I think most parents wish to leave an inheritance to their children, but it's up to the children to step up if they want to keep it from going to nursing homes or the government.

Caregiving as a way to inherit stuff?

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