I have given up 4 months to care for my mother and my sister has done nothing.

Pamela, First off, you need to take care of you. If you are not taken care of you can't take care of your family. I finally came to the conclusion with my dad (and his wife, who is not the problem), that he has his life and I have mine. I had to let go of the guilt. Don't get caught up in it again. I too have struggled with the guilt and it comes and goes, believe me but I have to keep telling myself, I have my life, my family, and as long as my dad (and your mom) have someone to take care of them and they are safe, that is what is important. Bottom line, you need to be there for your family, you are no good to your family if your health and mindset are not in tip top shape.

good for you Pamela!

you are right about going to work instead of Mom's. Just hang on and keep going to work and not into the trap you just got out of.

I am facing finally placing my mom in the next 2 weeks. It's going to be so hard to do it.

They say that we don't change until staying the same hurts more than changing.

Pamela: stay the course!

Bobbie

Bobbie I'm praying for you right now!

Bobbie, hang in there. I just placed my dad in December. He fought me all the way to court but with the encouragement of his friends I was able to get him out of the house and into the hands of experts who determined that he was not able to care for himself. It took from March to October to make it happen and now it is done. I just moved his wife from the nursing home into the same Adult Family Home and now they are together, finally, a year and a half later but it does happen, just sometimes too slow for us. We do learn and grow if we can keep our heads above water.
You are making the right decision, as are you Bobbie. Like I said, we can't take care of our own family if we are not 'here' to do it.

Holly my prayers are with you as well.

Thanks Pamela and Holly. That means a lot to me and I truly appreciate it.

Stay the course! Ol Ron Reagan had the Alzheimer's.....

lovbob

I don't know if you're familiar with Etta James, who sang the original "At Last" but she also has alzheimers. My prayers go out to her son who just went public with this information.

Thank you Pamela, and in my above comment to Bobbie, I meant to say 'as are you Pamela' We are all doing the best we can in this 'sandwich' generation.
I just found this website the other day, and your comment Pamela stood out because of our similar situation. I don't have a sister, or a brother for that matter so I am in this alone but still, we are facing similar issues. I took a caregiver class when my situation all started, it was a group of about 15 and we all introduced ourselves and our situation. When they heard that I had two at once to start taking care of they were very apologetic. As the class progressed, I felt some relief for my situation as they were all dealing with other relatives, some with spouses living at home and it was then that I realized that we all have something that we are thankful for not having. For me it was not having to live in the same house with my dad or having to deal with a sibling, I could go home to get away from it. The phone was my big issue as my dad would call 7-8 times a day. Goodness, the stress from the ring of a phone.... Like I said and most of you have experienced, your body starts to rebel, you get aches and pains, your hair, at least mine did, starts to fall out and you realize you have to make a decision. So I got off track.....sorry......but to finish my thought process (and that goes too doesn't it?) this website is a great place to go and see that we are not alone, even though we knew that, and we see other people in situations that we are thankful we don't have to deal with. More than anything, to be able to bounce ideas off of each other and give support to each other is the best medicine isn't it?

holly you are so right.

Before I found this site I thought I was going CRAZY literally CRAZY. The thoughts I had boggled inside of me, the feeling of being overwhelmed, just the feelings of "OMG what am I to do".

And then I googled care giving and found it. It was as if a whole world opened up for me, as if God had actually taken me by the hand and said "seek my help".

I actually stayed on the site night and day when I could, as I actually still do but it was and still is such a comfort that the feelings of guilt, abandonment, resentment, the debts of loyalty, and alternatives were not emotions I was feeling all by myself.

My mom told me about 1 1/2 yrs ago that she just never thought she would get old when her health started to decline. I myself had never thought of life without her until that time but she use to say things like "I've written some things out for my obituary" and I wouldn't even hear of it. She is my world, and always has been my best friend, and I do mean best friend. She loves me in spite of not because of the same as any mother. When it came to concerts, plays, etc. it would always be me and my mom. Hell I never even had fun with anyone but her. Right up to the day she had her stroke, we'd call one another 8-10 times a day talk about the news, some corny commercial, or even something dumb or guffy that we'd just thought about. I miss those days a lot.

Now when she calls I get sad and depressed and think it's just not fair.

But life will go on and as I walk thought the valley I will fear no evil because I've got those wonderful memories to carry me through, as you do with your mom. The good times.

Well now I've had time to reflect and prepare although I don't want to think she won't be with me, I'm ready.

I remember when my dad had a minor stroke and was laying in that hospital bed. I wanted to scream.. "What is that old man laying in my dads bed for? Where is my dad? When did my dad get so old and frail?" It just about blew my mind seeing him laying there so white and small. He's the one that used to swing me around like an airplane, a foot off the ground while I screamed. When did our folks get old? Permission denied I say. When I was a kid, I thought they were supposed to live forever. When did this old age thing sneak up on us anyway? I think it's wonderful that you had such a good relationship with your mom though, you'll always have those memories to look back on and smile. Just like me and my 'airplane' experience.

Pamela, as strange as it may seem we can look at this time in our lives as a gift in letting go of our loved ones. Preparation as you commented. Some people, as with my husband lost his mom and dad as most of us say they want to go, in their sleep. For the survivors however, it's like the rug has been ripped out from under our feet, there is no time to say goodbye.
God knows what he's doing. For me, I need this time to prepare and say all the things I need to say. My dad has turned into a mean crazy kind of guy and it's difficult but I know too that he is frustrated with his situation. I have learned patience, I have found that I am stronger that I ever imagined and as much as I feel a victim, it's not all about me. I am learning that this is a time in my life when I can still teach my grown children something by example. It's hard thinking that you might be looking at your own future but I can only hope that as angry as my dad makes me with his accusations, it's not him. Being an only child and his wife who has Alzheimers, I am the only one he can vent to. So I hope that what I am doing will be remembered by my children when and if the day comes that I am in his shoes. I hope that by experiencing this phase in my dads' life that I will have said and done all that I can with my family so that if I die in my sleep, no one will have regrets for not saying all that they felt they needed while I was alive.
Your comment about feeling like you were going crazy, oh I know it so well. The first year, I like you, was overwhelmed and I had early retired thinking that I would need to help out soon with my dad and his wife's situation. I had offered before all this happened to watch our newborn grandchild once or twice a week. Now I was really overwhelmed until I viewed it as a gift. Yes I had a ton of things to do but these days, these days that I had my granddaughter were days that I could focus on her and her only and it gave me a new purpose. God does work in mysterious ways. My prayer was to please open my eyes to see what it was that I was suppose to do. I found that what I had thought would be more than I could handle would be my saving grace, watching my granddaughter.
So I thank all of you for giving me the chance to just put my thoughts on paper, without judgement, read your experiences and be able to say to myself, wow, I'm not alone. I never felt all alone, I have my family but my experiences are not their experiences, your experiences are my experiences and that is comforting.

I know you are very hurt right now, but consider that it is possible that your sister cannot understand what you have done for your mom until she has had to do it herself and that she has only understood what she has been told by your mother, who is incapable of knowing what is really happening. Try to forgive them both and let your sister be responsible and give yourself peace. If your sister makes good or bad decisions, the outcome will be pretty much the same. It is the disease that is creating most of your and their problems. You can only win with love, patience and understanding. Try to always act with love and you will have peace. God bless you for your efforts.

I tell myself all the time to not take things personally. I used to work with people who took everything that was said, whether aimed at them or not, personally. They were very unhappy people and did not enjoy life. We all need to take a step back and realize that life is too short and very difficult as it is. Remember that the ones we are caring for are at a very difficult stage in their lives, and for the most part, should not be held responsible for their behavior. The next time someone says something that hurts your feelings, think on it for a few minutes, then LET IT GO!!! We as caregivers have too much on our plates as it is. We need to not dwell on negative things. You will find that if you learn to let things go, you will be a lot happier and you can concentrate more on enjoying any free time you have.
We all have to many burdens to bear in our lives, at this time.We do not need to add to them by taking everything personally. Trust me, you will feel better if you learn to LET THINGS GO!!!
Take care everyone!

Do what you can when you can. Let it go! Put yourself first. Teach your children (Pam, mine aren't grown - but are learning)!
Like Deefer says... We wear many hats and bear many burdens. That's what this site is for - to help us share our burdens.
Prayers up!

Thank you all for such wonderful words.

It is Monday and I haven't seen my mom for 1 week. Although she called on Saturday and asked me to come over today, to take care of her, I chose not too. She called a while ago and left a msg asking if I was going to come over. My son said something about me not answering the phone although I've been trying to explain the situation I don't want to send out the wrong messages to them.

They can see the difference in my behavior. And believe me I have done an about face. Yes I miss my mom, yes I feel guilt for not going over, yes I'd love to go over there and throw my arms around her and tell her how much I've missed her, even just hearing her voice however I wanted her to see how life is w/out me for a while. Now I hope this doesn't sound terrible but I don't even want to go over there because I don't want to experience all that negative energy that jumps up on you as soon as you walk through the door, I really don't. I've gone to great lengths to keep myself as busy as I could.

She called once and spoke with one of my sonz and he said she doesn't sound very well. I say she is missing me, as a matter of fact I'm sure she is, Gosh atleast I hope she is!!!!

Tuesday is the day I've decided to go over and I'll call her tonight and let her know that. But for now, I'm just gonna wabble in the peace, and calm of my surroundings. Don't get me wrong I have 2 sonz and there is turmoil but nothing like the turmoil that surrounds my moms house.

My sister has not called, but that's alright with me. And when I go to moms house I'll be dressed in my work clothes so she will know that I can't stay long. Gosh am I sounding like a deadbeat sister already!

But I will tell you that in spite of the circumstances, I can't wait to give her a GREAT BIG KISS!! I'm also anxious to see what she has to say about me being gone for so long, that's the burning question.

Bittersweet reunion.

Best of luck to you! We're all here for you if you need us.

good luck Pamela!

We're all thinking positive thoughts for you!

Bobbie

Pamela, your strength and insight are admirable. Good luck and hope your visit with your mother is a good one.

Pamela...me thinks I smell a rat-ola. I just have a hunch that your sister might be going after the power and the checkbook, but not after the actual WORK. So your mother asked you to bring over some food...you still gonna be the "go to gal?"

Oh, and ONLY four months. Almost 8 years here as sole caregiver, under the thumb of Public Guardian's office.

wow, AlzCaregiver, what's it mean under the thumb of the Public Guardian's Office. Do you have someone breathing down your neck?
that sounds awful, bless your heart, 8 years.

B

Maybe your sister can give you some tips on how to be the best 'deadbeat sister' possible. Lord knows, she's had enough practice.

Yes. When Mom was sued for being conserved, if that is the term, because I reported financ. elder abuse of two sisters (gee both deadbeats wonder why), the Public Guardian's office dubbed me 24/7 caregiver and "allowed" me to live with my Mom rent free (which she had already invited me to live with her to care for her) plus she's pay for food, utilities, etc.

After a few years of this crushing situation, I also got $10 day, but that added even more draconian restrictions on me. I do have one supportive sister, and I just found she cannot really help me. She cannot momsit, cannot do work around the house, cannot stay overnight. And here all these years I've been griping about the two deadbeats getting away with their financial abuse and NOT helping...only to find they are not ALLOWED to help meeven if they wanted to. If I cannot pull off caregiving 24/7 with the day care and 12-hrs weekly respite caregiver they threaten to throw Mom in a nursing home...and me out on the street.

It's crazy, no? Indeed it is.

insane. Actually, criminal it seems to me. I am so sorry you have to deal with such measures. Perfectly awful. Prayers to you.

lovbob

Yeah AlzCare...I smell a rat too. I can't put my foot on it, but I keep smelling it.

And yes I know you've been taking care of your momz for 8 yrs and I've been bumped after only 4 months. That's why I enjoy your post because I really consider you an expert! But I learn from everyone.

I have clarification on the sister helping stuff. The one good sister can help around the house for the entire day, but she cannot stay overnight. The two bad sisters can help if they want to... ha ha ha... also.

Because of the visiting outrages by one sister, the entire visiting situation here was put on clampdown for everyone, with a set of rules mailed out.

The misbehaving sister was not restricted in her BEHAVIOR (being late, standing mom up, telling graphic pornographic stories with children present, doing a sex phone call with children present, bringing in drunks and violent pitbulls), but only in the hours duration she could do it in, and how many people could be present to witness it.

Oh, they said the drunks couldn't show up intoxicated, that the drug users (then perhaps 3 meth addicts in family) couldn't bring drugs on the property, nor Weapons. I'm sure that little letter was taken to heart by the family addicts and gun carriers, but I think I should be deputized! ;-)

Really, the rules did put a stop to a lot of BS and focused the real decent ones to concentrate on visiting mom and not each other.

My God Alz you really have been through it!

The fun is just starting! I am very focused these days.

I don't see how you guys handle all that you do - I read several posts of what you have to deal with and you make me feel guilty and overabundantly blessed b/c I just am not a caregiver... my dad is in a nursing home and I, too, have a deadbeat sibling. I pay the private pay bill, talk with the staff and doctors, visit regularly (not daily)...Alz, my heart goes out to you! I pray for you and your situation and your family... m/w I have one who can criticize away and document a spreadsheet but who is not here physically to do a damn thing! I have POA and can deal with the financials and am here.

Well I have just come from spending time with momz. May I say at first I felt like a stranger in my moms house, well until I went outside, in the rain, and pulled some green tomatoes, and red peppers from the garden. Then I was all better.

My mom was sitting at the dining room table, having her lunch. Her care-taker was sitting in the living room watching "soap operas", (gosh I've heard so many peoploe on this site say that's all the help does). So after sitting down with momz @ the table I asked her what she was watching. She always watches the news @ this time and momz can't stand soap operas. The help said something to the affect of "I got my mama watching soap operas", and I quickly corrected her by saying, "well that's MY mama and she doesn't like soaps". After the soap went off I saw the help turn to The Maury Povich show. Now I'm thinking oh hell no, so I politely turned to the news. Momz said "thank you".
So much for that.

Maybe it was me but I felt as though the help was watching me. So I told her she could excuse herself and take a break. My mom wanted to go to the back door and look at the garden so I pushed her to the back door. The help couldn't figure out how to get past this one door which is an accordian type door but I'd mastered that a long time ago.

My mom looked smaller and when I hugged her, she actually kissed me. I was surprised but it felt so good, but I still felt as though I was being watched. Imagine that feeling in the house you were raised in, completely meaning a lot of people can't say they were born and raised in the same house, I can.

I took her stuff back to her, and that's a load off my chest.

Here's the kicker, she told me that the help is staying the night come the weekend because my sister, and her family are going to Las Vegas this weekend. Said the daughter has a Volleyball tournament, yeah right!!!!! but my mom asked me to come over too, (ALZCARE here's that "me thinks somethings up comes into play). I asked her what for and she said because she wants me there too. Hmmmmmm not to sure about how I feel about that though. I remember a while back when ihardebeck said something like no wonder her brother didn't want anyone to come into the house to take care of their dad except family, I feel kind of strange about the whole help thing now. Then I wonder should I? I was especially bothered when I cleaned my moms glasses as they looked as though they hadn't been cleaned in weeks and the help said she'd been cleaning them with soap and water. The glasses cleaner right there in her night stand. Then when she said that my mom had been fitted for new glasses I was really bothered. Who is she to be telling me about my momz health, she's not the daughter, I am. I guess I wasn't really bothered just a little dissapointed that things seem to be going smoothly w/out me, hell the house was actually calm, and very peaceful. Then I thought "hey maybe I was the problem" but then I started thinking about it an entirely different way.

My sister has been in my moms house for 16 yrs plus. She knows my mom's in and outs. Maybe she is the better person to care for my mom because she's there with her. Maybe I got hot under the collar for nothing at all. Because when I left I felt a released burden you would not believe. Oh yeah I'm put out because I'm feelin like maybe I'm not needed but then my mom looked at me very deeply and said "please don't stay away so long again". It was then that I knew that my mom had truly missed me.

I did have a problem with her asking me personal things in front of the help, and would tell her that I'd tell her later. I also had a problem when my sister's husband came home and the help went into the kitchen talking with him for a while, almost as if she was giving him a report about me. I bet she was in there telling him that momz had told me about their trip this weekend, like they care.

I do still have the feeling that my sister doesn't want me around....that way they can tell my mom that I don't care about her....and I do so hate to go there when they are all there. That's a rough spot to be in though, in between a rock and a hard place but I've got to figure that out.

Mom also asked me to bring her some batteries, hair grease, and a dinner tomorrow. Hmmmmm not to sure how I feel about that either. But come 2morrow you best bet I'll be there with all 3 items she asked for. Certainly I wanna be hard, dissassociated, and detached but how can I be. Is this a trick to get me slowly reeled in again......hmmmmmmmmm.

My mom use to tell me on more that one occasion that my sister's family didn't give a rats a-- about her. I don't think it's true anymore, however I still don't like the way things were done. They seem to be on a schedule and that's what my mom needs. I had one too when I was there, but I had an escape, I had my own place. And I am truly truly truly glad I didn't give it up when my mom got sick and asked me to move in.

I don't know whether this all makes sense, because I know I'm all over the place with this NOVEL, but I feel good, relieved, and I still feel special. Does this all make sense?

Thanks for listening everyone.

This is the place to vent... but there are some ? raised, for sure... I cannot say that I understand b/c I never had to have help in the home I was raised in and I have now sold.. but to feel like a stranger and to mention personal stuff with help there? I can relate - my dad's roommate at the home never leaves and listens in to conversations...including ones related to money and neither one of em will leave the room so what do you do??

Be at peace with yourself and your decisions that you have made..I think that you are there... don't feel guilty and don't get reeled in if you don't want to! Do what you can when you can!

I don't know your full story, but your ending ..."FEELING SPECIAL" - live with that, my friend... That's how I have been feeling when I leave visiting my dad.. most days! There's less criticism most days... and even a THANK YOU! Which is HUGE b/c my dad was not always that way/is not always that way!