This is a rant.
My mom was a single parent and a good mom but now at 67 she wants to live with us sometime next year. I'm very hesitant bc I like my personal space, still raising a child (8) too, but also how she is. She's compulsive obsessive and is always quick to point out how she's had it harder than anyone bc she's not from this country who had to raise/support two girls on her own. She's in NJ while I live in TX. I find myself annoyed with her behavior sometimes now, so I can't imagine how it will be when she gets here. Also, my husband wants his mom (73) to live with us and that concerns me big time because, even though he's very independent from her, he prides himself on being a momma's boy. His behavior when he's with his family has made me feel like a nobody multiple times. I've discussed this with him but after 28 years together I still see it, even as recently as when they visited last year. I don't expect him to put me first, but don't treat me differently when they are here. I know both parents will need to be looked after, but doing so in my house depresses me immensely. Neither parent is financially capable to live in independent housing, and our siblings either don't get along with the parent or have expressed no desire to live with them. It's like I'm screwed.
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Excited about my future.
While those sentences seem to be at extreme ends - imagine if you could take steps to get to *excited*?
Another angle could be humour. Every time talk of a Momma moving in starts - LAUGH. Loudly.
😂 😂😂 Well THAT won't be happening!
This does NOT mean it has to be under your roof. There is no law stating this.
Do you mean is these Mommas EXPECT housing?
Plenty of older folk expect all sorts of things... Does not mean they are entitled to them.
"Neither parent is financially capable to live in independent housing". Then they must research their real world options. You can help them look for that help.
"siblings either don't get along with the parent or have expressed no desire to live with them"
You are not the backup to your siblings. They get to choose who lives under their roof.
So do you.
PS I do applaud the multi-gen families that care, work, live all together. But it's not for everyone's situation.
Is Mom planning on arriving, helping bring up the children, cook, clean, be a PART of your household?
Or turn up, sit down & be looked after like an invalid?
67 is VERY young to give up an independent life. I would wonder about her anxiety or depression.
You're obviously used to him not putting you first, and that should be the BIGGEST red flag ever. I find it amazing that your marriage has lasted this long.
In a healthy marriage the spouse should be the number one priority, above any children or other family members. PERIOD.
The fact that you're not his, tells me that you have a lot more issues going on than just perhaps parents moving in.
Please reevaluate what's going on in your marriage and seek out some marriage and individual counseling, so you can better understand why you put up with not being his number one priority.
I wish you the very best.
good evening from here :).
i just want to say you’re an amazing person.
“I have never abandoned my post. My Mother was a young widow.”
hug!
bundle of joy :)
I grew up in an intergenerational living household. One of four kids, stay-at-home Mom, Nana lived in an in-law apartment. After Nana's house was sold a small in-law (bedroom/sitting area/full-bath) separate entrance with a patio was built onto our home. Saved a lot of running around for my Mother who would visit "Nana" in her house on a daily basis. The small pension wasn't enough to survive and a decision needed to be made.
Absolutely loved my Nana living with us. We were jumping with joy when she moved in. Every night my Nana would sit with my sister, the youngest and review her spelling words.
Caregiving is nothing new. Years ago the word "Assisted Living" even the word "Caregiving" was unheard of. We called it "taking people in". Could be Auntie So and So who broke her hip and needed some convalescent. Prior to the apartment the family room would be turned into a makeshift bedroom (a/k/a sleeping on the sofa) the other Nana is coming to live for a while until she decides what she wants to do since Grandpa died. My family has seen it all.
There 's going to be pros and cons. Nana who lived with us paid board--small amount. Mom cooked all the meals but Nana had her own phone, tv and bathroom. After supper Nana would retire to her apartment, watch the news and settle in for the evening. The added "board" gave us some nice "extras". For us it was a win-win situation. I never felt alone, always had a group around the table and always felt I had someone to talk to. My cousins, Aunts and Uncles always visited because Nana lived with us. We were known as "The Clan".
My sister-in-law was not happy about "The Clan". She grew up having a 20 year span between her only elder sister and herself. So when she was born her sister was already out of the house and married. My brother was forced to make a choice, it's me or them she told him. She did not want both but could have. The problems that have stemmed from that were isolation of their children from family events, babysitters that were picked out of the newspaper and very low attendance at any of their family celebrations--Communions, Graduations, Weddings, Births. They have no relationship with 1st cousins the way I have and it's a total 360 from the way my brother was raised. Please don't do this to your husband, he will get resentful as my brother is but it's cheaper to keep her.
I know it's different today with people "needing their space" but overall if you can put up with people's quirky ways I think at least in my home life it was well worth it. My mother was the eldest of 4, the only girl in an Irish family which also means you do everything as I do now for my mother and willingly. There was never a time in my mother's mind where she thought she wouldn't do this and I am of the same mold. I have never abandoned my post. My Mother was a young widow.
In all honesty I don't know of anyone at least in my social circle who can afford Assisted Living. It is extremely expensive to live in the Northeast. The senior housing list is a mile long. You could have a family meeting and set down some ground rules and change things as it goes along. I wouldn't exactly label it, "tell me what you don't like about me" but more like--lights out at a certain time, tv low in the evenings if they take their hearing aids out buy them a headset. A separate phone line is better and decide who takes the mail in, etc.
My dad a wonderful man was also going to have his mother move in and add another apartment downstairs. The Mexicans have the right idea. They stick together. You see the children hanging out of the grocery cart with Nana helping out. This is how I was raised just like the Mexican families! "A strand of (3) cannot be easily broken". Everyone I knew and this was in the 1980's lived like this. This was my norm and I wouldn't trade it for the world!
Amen...
Note: There have always been dysfunctional families even during bib
Is it a cultural thing that allows family members to announce that they're moving into someone else's house uninvited? I don't understand how anyone gets to do that.
I think someone should buy a three- bedroom house, park the grannies in it along with a third rent-paying independent oldster, and everyone gets to have company, watch out for each other, and their families don't lose their ever-lovin' minds.
I would say you are kinda stuck leaving your mom aside your husband will not budge on his mother moving in if he is as you say he is. The fact you had a child with this man without thinking towards the future is also worrisome imo. Even if you put your foot down with your mom no way you are going to convince him to put his down with his mom.
You will have a choice to make for your child, will probably lead to a massive family divide and drama because you did not happen to think about the future and the type of man your husband is.
Multi generational living is something that requires everyone to be onboard with from the start. Your husband should have been transparent from day one what his intentions were for his mother, on the same token you should have also saw the writing on the wall with his husband with how his behavior is around his family.
So why should either of them come and live with your family? Why are the siblings allowed to say no, but not the two of you?
Your Mom is WAY too young to insist on moving in with you. You will be stuck being her unpaid Caregiver for at least 20 to 30 years or longer.
You will not have a great time living together. Not if you are already dreading it.
Why can she not remain where she's currently at, or get a senior apartment? If I survive long enough to outlive my 87 year old Mom, as a disabled person - I plan on moving to a small handicapped accessible apartment and living a peaceful life. I will also get a part time job, even if I'm in my 70's.
Your Mom is still young. She's young enough to work, too if she's low on money. This situation should not be foisted on you.
Especially with both of them in the same house! Oh, my!
One's spouse should always be treated with respect, don't you think?
I would seek some counseling,1st for yourself. You need to be able to stand up for yourself and secondly, marriage counseling. Your husband doesn't get to treat you like a nobody in front of his family and move them into your, YOUR home.
Sorry, your mom made her choices, you don't have to pay the consequences because she didn't marry a man and chose to have 2 children, that's all on her. Research fear, obligation and guilt, aka F.O.G., that's what she is pulling.
Good luck with your decision making. Your lives depend upon your making the right one. That is the hard truth in this matter.
My final advice? When all these folks move INTO your life, you need to leave with your 8 year old child, before his life gets ruined. I agree with those who suggest you seek help in order to stand strong, as your child's life depends upon that.