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Ashlynne, The reason I bring up hospice is that your mthr is incontinent, bedridden, and refuses to eat. Those are the signs of stage 7A dementia, which is what my mthr needed to qualify for hospice when her first agency tried to get her in. She qualified with cancer as her primary diagnosis, and your mthr has all those strokes, so that might be how she could qualify. The hospice doc put her on some meds which have completely changed her personality for the better - and I don't care if they shorten her life.

I have not been needed to do anything once hospice entered the picture. They get how mean she was, and they fixed it. They also helped me with making final arrangements and offer death education to those who want it. Ours is a non-profit and some of our friends have volunteered for them for years. I completely understand distancing yourself - the 8 years I was no contact were the best ever.
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I am so glad to have found this site! Unless you've regularly cared for an elderly parent it's hard for others to understand the complexity of emotions - love, anger, guilt, resentment, duty, patience, loneliness. My mother is 85 with numerous chronic issues but able to live alone. I am 58, work full time, live about 45 minutes away, and her main caregiver, with a sister who lives across the country. To her credit, sis comes twice a year to "try to get her done" in a week, but caregiving is an ongoing, daily job. For her entire life, my mom has been a needy complainer. She dumps her litany of complaints on me from her bowel movements and hemorroids to the neighbors and the mailman. She feels sorry for herself so she constantly tells me how horrible it is getting old and that one day I too will suffer like her. She says this with glee, like she can't wait for the day! Why would you tell someone this? Just spiteful. Not surprising she has no friends, no one who calls besides sis and me. She badmouths each of us to the other. This behavior is not new. She was not a nurturing, supportive mother, but rather we kids were there to serve her - do her grocery shopping, run errands, fix dinner, clean. The feeling of entitlement has continued. And, like many of the other threads, it's always someone else's fault. Very tired of it. Thankful for my kind husband and sweet dog.
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It's now been a week since I have spoken to my mother. Although low-grade guilt remains, it's much less than the enjoyment I am getting from not dealing with her constant whining and negativity. I've been using the time creatively to pursue some outside interests and handle some much-needed projects. I feel much more alive, content, calm, and happy. I saw a quote online that keeps me buoyed: Some people are like clouds, when they disappear the day gets brighter. So true!
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I have not visited my mother in the locked memory care unit since Christmas Day. I called to check on her once because she had come down with pneumonia. I get phone calls from the facility if she so much as bumps her hand, so I will be involved should something happen. Even a scratch.

Her own sisters don't bother to ask me how she's doing. Her brother is too ill, so he's got a darn good reason, but his wife calls me (because she is a saint). Her nieces and nephews don't send cards or call. The people who were formerly her "friends" do not write or call. I have sent all of them letters updating them on her state. Out of about 25 letters sent, I've heard from 2 people. One of them sent a card to me at least, not mom! I am literally the only person on the planet who really gives any level of a care. I asked all of them to send a card to her c/o me, so I can take them to her. Well, I tried.

So the "everybody" judging me for not visiting is fictitious. I don't have to visit to make up for "everybody else" who won't. It's a curse, all this.

You go visit, then feel horrible before, during, & after. You kick yourself for even trying to expect something halfway neutral for all your effort. Forget about happy or memorable. So then you stay away, go no contact, and try to put Humpty Dumpty back together again. Time passes, you start to feel better, which is clearly a sign something is wrong! I can't feel good! I must punish myself with guilt over not visiting. Around and around and around on this crazy carousel we go.

I have had a million visits with this woman in my mind, but they don't count. I go see her every day in my head, where she continues to berate me, complain, swear, be mean, and blame her problems on the world. Followed by a chorus of "I can't wait to die" and my own complicated, awful feelings.

Then when I actually DO go visit her in person, I get to go around the mulberry bush with even more intensity.
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Thanks for sharing. The description of your situation sounds very familiar - always hopeful for a nice visit, then leaving feeling depressed, like you haven't done enough.

My mom is also ready to die and keeps asking why God has let her live so long. I wonder myself as she is clearly miserable inside and out. It's been a week and one day since I've spoken to her and I feel liberated being away from the mean-spirited negative comments and complaints.

There's no pleasing her and when I try I end up getting blamed for something else - bringing leaves into the garage with my car, putting the plastic grocery bags in their little pouch incorrectly, not placing items on the "right" shelf in the fridge. Leaves me exhausted and edgy. I get in the car and want to keep driving as far away as I can.

I cannot go back.
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I totally understand you dear, we're in the same boat ... it's hard to tell your friends cause no one can believe how your old natural mother prays for your death while all you did as a child and adult was to respect and take good care of her ...
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Sometimes I feel like I`m the only one with these exact mother issues, and I am always hard on myself that I am a bad daughter and I should do more but then I read these posts and I say "I`m not alone". My mother showed her importance and her superiority to me when I was a child, so now since I am the only one in her life out of 5 children, she expects me to bow down to her and not question anything she of me. I feel her dominance over me so I do anything and everything I can to get her approval only to be thrown down. She is 85, living in a ALF, has depression and early dementia and I still have the fear of her. I don`t know if she realizes that but she seems to take advantage of my feelings and I let her. I am on xanax and depression meds myself, I don`t think I will be totally free from her until she is dead, sad to say. I have one sister to talk with and my husband but they don`t understand what I am going through and I know they don`t want to talk about it so I just keep it inside and to myself which is not healthy I know. I call mom once a week and dread every second. I feel so sorry and sad for her and those are the words that suck me in everytime. I feel like I`m on a merry go round and I tired and want to get off. I`ve been by her side since 2009, that's when my dad died and has walked over me ever since. Just wanted to vent.
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Trust found this site thought it was just me going through it. My Mother lives in sheltered accommodation is97 yeses okd, I am the daily care giver and she treats me awfully. We have a couple Goddard and then she disappears and becomes nasty again. I am also carer for my hubby so she dies not help me mentally. If I stay away I feel guilty that she is a sad okd Katy on her own
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Sorry for the spelling mistakes above must check more
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I'm happy for you that she is in an assisted care facility. That is half the battle. At least you know she is in a safe environment with caregivers who are trained to deal with this behavior. You really can have your own life and visit her when and if you want. No guilt or shame necessary!
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Thanks hobeckaie but I am in the UK and sheltered housing is different. Assisted living is only just starting to filter in over here. Mum still lives independently but with a warden on site Monday to Friday and emergency pull chords over the weekend. She has carers going in about 5 - 6 hours per week to do various jobs such as shopping, cleaning and bathing. Also her neighbour has just passed away who was 20 years younger than her who was some company for her. So I get pulled in all directions by her. I still have to check that she is safe. She knows how to manipulate me and I wonder if some sort of dementia is setting in. My husband has health issues ongoing at the moment as he needs me as well. Mum us rude about him and his side of the family, thinks I have had a boring life and belittles me all the time. I feel torn to bits by her, guilty if I don't see her as at the end of the day she is a sad lonely old lady
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Libbylou, has your mother been manipulative or is this something new? If it is not new, then she's got you in an emotional blackmail game and you can choose not to dance by setting some boundaries.

Has your mother been evaluated lately by her doctor to see if she has dementia yet? How old is she? What are her most outstanding health problems?

This dance is a very blinding one and that is why it is called F.O.G. which stands for Fear, Obligation and Guilt.

The only way to get of the F.O.G. dance is to set boundaries of what you will and will not do in light of your other responsibilities like your husband who even if his health was not bad is still your first responsibility as well as your responsibility to take care of your own well being.

One third of caregivers die before the person they are caring for does. The major contributing factor is trying to do more than one human being can do as well as not taking care of themselves. So, if you don't take care of you and end up dying, where does that put your husband and where does it put your mom?
Plus, you are valuable as just you and deserve to take good care of yourself for your own well-being.

You can't take responsibility for your mom's emotions. You didn't make her be the way she is. The person she is comes from the combination of the challenges she faced in life and what she chose to do with them. Also, you can't fix her. Nor can you control her. About all you can really do is to place yourself on a healthy emotional path and be in control of you with realistic boundaries based on the total combination of your life's situation without throwing anyone, including yourself, under the bus.

What does your husband think and feel about you being pulled in all directions with nothing but verbal abuse and emotional blackmail from your mother plus her own negative outlook on him and his family?

Has she always been rude to your husband and his side of the family? To belittle someone's spouse and their family is mean, emotional abuse.

Does she need more time from the carers and can she afford to pay for it?

Overall, your mother sounds rather well cared for and it sounds like she may be expecting you to be her substitute company after her neighbor died. Her happiness seems to be her primary concern regardless of the other responsibilities and life that others may have. Somehow, you need to set some boundaries with your mom and firm up your boundaries in your marriage by being more focused there with your husband so that you are more fully present when you are with him instead of mom still being present in your head. It's difficult and it's tricky but it can be done.

Basically in a nutshell, learn to detach from her emotional dance with love for mom (there is a good article on detaching on this site) and cleave closer with your husband.

Hold your ground, establish and firm up your boundaries, and take no prisoners as you seek to bring balance into this very unbalanced situation with you caught in the middle.

I wish you the best and please let us know how things are going!
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Crag nun thanks for this will read and digest this and then cone back
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My mom is 83 years old. My father passed away in 2005 and she moved out of state to live with my brother who is more than twenty years older than I. She would gamble and as time went on she became more and more nasty (gambling brought out a side of her personality equivalent to a mean drunk). She was mean (and selfish) to my brother and his wife and daughter and they severed ties with her. This year my mother severed ties with me because I refused to pay off her gambling debt. She has a new grandchild on the way and I am overridden with guilt. None of this is my fault. She knows she has a problem and refuses to get help "this is the way I am, gambling is my LIFE" - she says. It was painful to decide... But no contact for me is the only way to go. I am powerless to do anything... No matter how much I want her to change - she won't. She's written bad checks, can't pay her rent, or buy groceries. She goes to a food bank and gets fed by meals on wheels. Her brother won't help her and just tries to dump this all on me but I'm not having it anymore. When dealing with an elderly parent with an addiction - it is a lose:lose scenario. If I fight to become her guardian I am responsible for her debt, care, and any other debt she creates by writing bad checks. She steals stupid things she doesn't need from stores and thinks she won't get caught or that no one would prosecute an old lady. CRAZY! And wreck less but she has all her faculties. She has always had a personality disorder and as of late has become unbearably nasty and stubborn. It really feels terrible and this is eating away at me... There is no hitting bottom for her... When I think she's reached bottom she breaks through that floor and finds a new low.
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lostwolf, you did the right thing by refusing to enable your Mom. It really is sad the choices people make but those are not our choices or our responsibilities. As hard as it is, you have to let it go.
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Your mother hasn't left anyone in her life with any options, other than to walk away. I know it's easier said than done, but you have nothing to feel guilty about. Even if you continued to be in her life, and maybe even take guardianship, you wouldn't solve any of her problems; you'd just be destroying your own life, and your family's life, as well.
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Lostwolf - you have nothing at all to feel guilty about. You say Mom has her faculties, therefore she is responsible for her choices and the consequences they carry. You certainly are not responsible, nor can you fix her (which you wisely understand). Basically I would not get involved in ANY way with her financially - not POA nor conservatorship. She will have to do what she wants to do, until the state has to step in.
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You are not alone...you just have described my father and the h*ll of the last 24 years.
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OMG. Here we go AGAIN. After MONTHS of not bringing it up my mom calls me. We had a nice talk at first about family and so on. Then she says "You know it's been a few months and I REALLY think we need to move in together! I just KNOW that in 2 years time I won't be able to work anymore,etc" and it's obvious she wants me to move to Phoenix. Because she kept giving all these excuses why she just CAN'T move back to Washington. H*ll even my Aunt said to her "Why would you two want to live together?"! My mom is SO concerned about the future she just can't enjoy the present. She wants me to give up MY life but she won't give up HER's. She says "Well you know it's not REALLY that hot here(I beg to differ that 120 is "not that bad") and how my sister is too busy and my nieces and nephews are all too busy so I should have NO problem moving to Phoenix. I want to tear out my hair!
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And she is CONVINCED that if we "put out money together" that we will just have all this money leftover after paying the bills to just go on vacation all the time! She is seriously nuts. I make less then 2000 dollars and so does she.We are both on fixed incomes. There is no way we can both live off of that with money leftover.
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Elmo, if you were to say to your mother "tell me, why would I want to leave Washington where I live and work and where all my friends are?" what would she say? Sit tight and bounce it back at her - be a wall. She can't make you do anything you don't want to do.
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Oh I have tried that. She says "You can get a volunteer job in Arizona" "You don't have any friends" "The kids are too busy and you never seen them. So why do you want to stay there",etc. Every time I give her a reason why I don't want to move there she comes up with a reason why those are not good enough. A month ago she insulted me on the phone and told me i was "mentally handicapped" never apologized for it and acts like things are fine. I have tried telling her I have plenty of friends Her response? "Well you never talk about them" meanwhile SHE has no friends. I feel like we are just going in circles I have told her many times before that I am not going to Arizona. She drops it for a few months and then brings it up again. I agree she can't make me do it. But I can't convince her of that! I have tried.
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A few moths ago when I refused to tell her how much was on my credit card and told her that i am an adult and my money is my business? She called me mentally handicapped and screamed and ranted and raved until I finally hung up on her. Then a week later she is talking to me like she never did any of that! Even my Aunt can't understand why she would want to move in with me. And my Aunt is just as nuts as she is.
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Don't give her reasons. That only fuels the fire day, "I don't want to move". That's all you have to say. If you parry, there's a return. If you refuse to engage, there's an end
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I thought I was alone in this situation, but obviously not. Every one here has the same horrible trap that I do. All of my siblings have picked up and moved as far away from Mother as possible and left me stuck to deal with her alone. It would not be so bad if she could see even one thing in a positive light, but she is negative, miserable, controlling and loves to play mind games. At this point, she is 88 years old, frail and almost blind, but still mean as a snake. I would feel guilty if I just left too, but I do daydream about escaping this hell.
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Would it be comforting to remind yourself that you don't need to convince her, then? No matter how persistent her belief that you have no reason not to move to live with her, that belief in itself will not move you bodily onto a 'plane after all. I feel for your frustration. Maybe what you want is a stock sentence - I dunno, something like "I'm changing the subject NOW" - that halts this tedious circular conversation abruptly as soon as she starts it?
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My Mother showed very little love to me growing up.but see has been on here own for many years and worked hard. my two sisters have cut off there relationship with her because she Is so hard to be around. My mother came back into my life. She started being very generous to us all with her money It was a bit embarrassing but as me my wife and children are struggling financially It was hard to say no. Anyway It's been 10 years since she was back in our lives the point Is she Is so nasty to everyone all the time we fear her coming to the house I find It hard to tell her she is rude and creates an atmosphere all the time. I suffer from depression and don't like confrontations or hearing bad news She Is always complaining of being Ill and complains about everything and every one she is driving me mad she Is 82 we take her out every week phone her every night to make shore she's OK but she has cursed so many arguments I'm finding I'm not liking her.... so I feel guilty because she gives with one hand and takes with the other we were out at a party and she was nasty and here face was all twisted..... I tired to kept the atmosphere going good all night. She came around to my house the next morning shouting at every one and being very nasty to my wife my sons I had had enough and raised my voice and ordered her out the house she creates so much unhappiness in my life I don't want to see her any more. When we tell her about how we feel, about her being nasty all the time she say's ( I've helped you and this is what I get) ...and throw's the money thing back in our face which make's me feel bad she messing with my emotions I've had enough I will not stand by and see my family insulted by my mother enough's enough.
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She will randomly ask me odd questions like "Is your washer and dryer still working" or "Is your friend still coming to clean" and when I tell her things are fine I think it's making her mad.It's like she wants me to tell her I am miserable and to come get me and take me to Arizona with her and I won't do that. She won't come home but she wants me to go live with her. And i won't do it and it is making her angry. She can't get that I am an adult who is capable of taking care of herself. I also do not think she is thinking of the long term consequences of us living together. We already did that for years when she was living in Washington and it was miserable. So why would she want to do that again?
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Enjoy your life with your own children who see you for the loving person that you are. Spend less time with the people who hurt you through fear, obligation, guilt, and other forms of emotional blackmail, and that includes close relatives. Slowly visit your mother less and less until you stop visiting her period. Since she's in an assisted care facility with round the clock treatment, you can visit her at anytime and leave her at anytime. Life is way too short to worry about people who have no appreciation for it.
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My mother is in ALF, my other siblings (4) have nothing to do with her and I too feel obligated to be there for her out of fear, guilt and emotional blackmail. I am her POA, her voice so I can`t walk away and even though I have thought about it my other thought is that she`s my mother how can I. I can understand how others have ne problem with no contact but I also feel bad for the mother. In my case it`s not my fault or her`s it`s the way she was brought up so everyone is suffering. Maybe she has brainwashed me but since I`ve been through so much already I feel like I have to see it through till the end, for her and me. I don`t want to live with more guilt and everything else that goes with it after she passes. She`s 85, early dementia, weak, high blood pressure, etc., being around her is like being on a rollercoaster, never know what`s coming next. I could go on and on, just venting.
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