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I can not tell you how many posts I've read about children in your exact situation. I'm here because I'm just like you.

You are not alone.

Dont feel bad that you've given so much of your time to an uncaring person. At least you are no longer living with her and having to deal with her 24/7.

The best I can tell you as to why she's like this is due to the fact that she was a damaged person. She's inflicting this hurt onto you to make herself feel better.

Other posters have have explained things a lot better than I have.

Say this every morning, "Today, my life starts over again."
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Think of it, like having an enemy in your life. That’s what it is.
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You are not alone, believe me... I am 54 and been living with my 76 year old Mother for the past 17 years, no matter what i do for her its never enough, I could take her on holidays for a few days, come home and the next day if I dont do as she says then I get told "you dont do anything for me".. its so exhausting on times, I get called greedy if I want more than 1 piece cake a day, I get called lazy because I do my washing when its needed and not every few days (then she complains I use too much electricity), I very often get told "this is my house, I`m sure you think its yours sometimes".. I am single with no children so moving out and getting a place of my own is not practical with the price rise of everything, she moans about everything and everyone, none of the Grandchildren or Great Grandchildren have anything to do with her, no one comes to visit, none of her friends ring her, she blames all of them, she cant see any fault in herself and if I try and point out a few to her she starts crying and doesnt speak to me for a week.. thats fun I can tell you.. if I dont cook lunch for her on time I get the cold shoulder... Every conversation no matter what anyone talks about, my Mother always makes it about her, my Sister lost her Son a few years ago and she is not the same now but my Mother says things like, "I lost a Grandson but im just getting on with life and so should she" and then she expects me to agree with her and moans if I don`t... don`t be guilty with how you feel, its what your Mother has done to you not anything you have done, you are NOT selfish, you gave your all to her... Take care and try to enjoy the rest of your life x
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I'm going through something similar. I'm 54 and my mother who just turned 77 have been estranged for several months. I simply had to walk away. She would say horrible things and never apologize or act as if she hadn't said anything. And I got tired of the constant guilt trips and "after all I've done for you". Recently her "friend" passed away who helped her alot and she is having some health problems so my husband and I visited her. We live over 9 hours away so it's not an easy trip working full time. I knew things were getting worse with her. The smell was just horrific. I suppose no one else had the guts to tell her. Needless to say, I cleaned her up. She's a bit heavy and her folds were irritated.

My brother visits fairly regularly but he's financially dependent on her as well. He's her "Golden Child" so we have little contact. I have no problem being the bad guy. Have I always handled things well? Absolutely not. But, a person can only take so much and life is too short. We have offered to pay for full time care since she lives so far away and refuses to move yet. The minute you bring it up, she's suddenly feeling better.

There's no easy answer to any of these situations. I'm constantly struggling between my head and heart. I never wanted her to get to this point and never wanted her to feel forced to do anything. Eventually, we all have to make tough decisions and live with them.
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If it gets to be too much you have to find them a place to live. It came to this with my 80 year old mother-in-law. She was manipulative and attention seeking. We let her rent a condo from us when she moved back to our state and all she did was complain and turn the family against me and my wife (her daughter). She was literally ruining us financially because she was paying so little rent on the condo that my wife and I were losing over a grand a month making up the different in mortgage payments on top of our own mortgage. We discussed the idea of her moving into an assisted or independent living but she refused because she didn't want to spend the money. Instead, she sat on about 400k in the bank and continued paying us the little she did monthly for rent out of her retirement income and constantly complained she was broke. She continuously dangled the 400k over our heads saying she was going to divide it up amongst her 4 children now so she can let them enjoy it while she is alive to see it, then the next day she would hysterically cry and say she had no money. It was nightmare of control and manipulation that had all siblings ready to take legal action against one another. I finally could no longer take it, nor afford to lose anymore money, so I told my wife "look, I will understand if you want to divorce me for this, but I'm selling that condo and your mother is out. It's a bit harsh, but this is hell being created by financial and emotional abuse we are enduring." My wife surprisingly agreed with me and we got her mother out and into an assisted living. Sometimes it's for the best. You can't sacrifice several of your adult years, risk your job, finances, personal life, and emotional well-being on caretaking for manipulative and combative elderly family members.
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OMG I'm so sorry but have to tell you I can deeply relate to your message every word I thought I was only one I too have that mother but she is a lil more controllable you would not imagine I know it's sad cause a mother daughter relationship should be close. But I as well can not tolerate being by my mother's side since I was 12 I just have this feeling inside all the belt whips the pulling hair the slaps the insults it just hurt me so much and yet I hug my daughter and granddaughters and tell them how much I love them none of my kids or grandkids accept her as Nana to this day she insults them and yells at them I mean in cussing words. I have to tell her to be quiet in a harsh voice she so evil mean idk but I can say I relate very much to your message I just want no more to do with her and put her in a home I'm done and tired thank you so much at least I know I'm not the only one that there are people who are going through this other than me thank you
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I so understand! You have described my mother to a T. She has recently been diagnosed with dementia and I am her only child besides 2 stepsons that are now out of the picture since her husband died. I am finding it extremely difficult to care for her and to have to talk to her daily for hrs on end as she rants about everyone and everything. She is and has always been a compulsive liar and I find myself calling her out on her lies which makes the situation even worse.
Don't feel guilty for the feelings you're having, get some counseling...I am and it's helping.
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No my mother is the same way. Fuk these old nasty ppl. They will cause a riff in your happiness. Do not let that happen
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It seems my mother has been confiding to her former helper (who is now a friend to me as well) how she wished she was a better mother when she was raising her kids. She knew my mothers entire story.

after I got past my initial shock that my mother had been confiding in her about this, I told her I was glad to hear my mother had remorse about her behavior during those years, because she should. I think the helper thought I should be more forgiving. But I can’t.

I really don’t want to confront my mother about any of it. It’s too late because it cannot be fixed. I just continue to do what I do.

Im under an enormous amount of stress right now and this on top of everything else is not what I needed to hear.
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I feel ya! My mom had dominated my entire life. Both my sisters escaled snd I got stuck with the hot potato. I keep trying to out up boundaries then sje gets sick and I have to come and save the day. I’ve missed my entire life because of her. I will say this. Covid is your friend. You ALL have covid for the Holidays. That works well. 😉
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It may help to remember that this generation has special issues. Born during the Great depression, children during WWII. Pretty sure these kids were denied much and complaining was not an option. Was the love and nurturing there? I don't think so.
As elders now, I suspect that a lot of their childhood trauma is coming to the surface. In their own way, they are trying to communicate this. None of us were there to see what these adults endured during one of the worst times in modern history.

Most of their needs were not met and there was much neglect and abuse. Again, I think much of this played out in their adult lives and still does. Very sad. Patience and understanding with this generation can do wonders.
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Two points:
1) Anyone “born during the Great depression, children during WWII” is now coming up to 100 years old. Most elders have lost the ability to dominate with those bad behaviors at that age.
2) This post is dated March 2011. OP is long gone. It’s not a good idea to resurrect it.
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No you are not alone! I moved out of state to get away from my mom, abuse is abuse! I still went to visit off and on. And helped with her care for the last 6 months of her life every weekend. My mom was so bad that everytime I hit the state line my whole being would start panicking and telling me to turn around go home. I had several reoccurring nightmares over my mother, for as long as I can remember. When she passed away I was relieved. All nightmares went away. 10 years later I'm dealing with my inlaws being horrible. I'm starting back at my old job in 2 weeks.
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I’m in the same boat.
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No. You,have a right to protect your mental health. I'm sorry to hear about your pain. Unfortunately toxic mothers can TUG at our hearts. One where thier is bond for our flash and blood our mother. However facts are the facts...usually when you are a compassionate caring person,it usually harder to pull away. As the mind will be in confusion,you know you have too for your mentality,But your values,your kindness being human and deep ingrained aspect,of your own morther,who carried you for 9 months will be lodged deep in your psychic mind body and spirit.

Ask,me how I know. because my own morther,is complete evil nasty person who,never ever deserved a deaghter like me. I work in Mental health and have worked in the field for 30 years. I still,get triggered by my morther,I can't do it anymore,as I have 2 times nearly committed suicide by her nasty evil ways, By her DARVO response for me confronting her on behaviour why she is assusing me of something that , to ponit I was questioning my own mind. DARVO.
Her own denying
Sisters Attacking me.
Reverse
She become the victim
I have become the offender.
At 58 years,old I had to cut ties with most of my siblings,morther. Move out of area,after 30 year relationship.
As,it feels she wants to break me down.

I can not go through the pain anymore. For my own saninity,what's really hurtful you hope deep down she does love you.
However I belive that some people mothers just to toxic, they are sick in the head. How can they love you.
Ive had to deal with low self worth most of my life,because my nasty evil twisted mother. Who over the years,has been hot and cold towards me. When it was good our relationship we got on,however,she just could turn nasty and start twisting stuff,making up lies getting my sibling involved to bully me.

She turned me away at age of 18 years when I needed help. Played me off with my other sibling, she accessed me of stuff when I was growing up,I became her scapegoat,as well as family scapegoat. I never was trouble or did drugs but the way my family treated me. I was treated like shit on thier shoes. I ashamlly allowed that to happen,as I was desperate for her love,and to be part of family.
My journey has been different from my siblings,I have trained in all aspects of mental health, I can not tollarate how human can not have emaphthy for another human,or animal.
So. What "I'm saying" Dont let anyone even your mum take you for granted. No more. They know right and wrong,they have the capacity of sound mind. No more second chances. Elizabeth



manipulation,blame,not taking
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Why can’t doctors get involved with these wicked women? There is something terribly wrong with these mentally off and terribly abusive mothers! I’ve got one too! Disgusting!!
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I think there isn't enough money in the world for a doctor to want to get involved with the emotional drama around "difficult women".
There's just not a pill for it, hee hee.
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I see my mother nearly every day when I go back every other month. She is nearly deaf and cannot hear on the phone so I no longer call, and for some reason she stopped utilizing iPad messaging so I don't text anymore when I'm not local. If there is something bad, I'm sure someone will call. I look at my off month as a respite until I start in again.
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This post is from 2011! I doubt if this poster is still around.
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Hopefully the poster’s mother has gone to her final reward by now and poster is under a palm tree drinking blender drinks. 😁
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Amazing that this post keeps going. I think that’s testament to the power of the topic and how many people can relate to it. I hope the OP has some relief now
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strugglingson,

LOL 😆 It’s really dumb since it’s a very old post! I bet the poster’s mom has already been buried! The post is from 2011!

Administration should close the post.
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This "very old post" helped me tremendously at 4am this morning in Feb 2024. I felt like I was drowning from all the emotions that are coming with dealing with my elderly abusive mother. While it was overwhelming to see a small slice of just how many of us go through this heartache, and how bad it can be, it was also somehow comforting to know I wasn't alone. And that it wasn't in my head. So thank you for leaving the post up and for providing those like me the solace of the words of others who are walking this incredibly difficult path. I see you. And maybe someone down the line will see me.
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My mom has always been a mouthy control freak. I remember meeting people she worked with, and they all talked about her behind her back. They hated her because she was so bossy and hateful. You do this, you do that. When she became disabled in her early 50s this aggression got thrown on me and my father. She no longer had people to treat like garbage several hours a week, and we were the only ones around.

She is now going to be 67, and it's just crazy. It's always everyone is against her. She ridicules my father for having cancer, tells him he is stupid all the time. I work a high stress job, but the real stress is dealing with her. I often say it's sad I can get along with anyone in the world, but my mother. As soon as I am off work it's how useless I am. I am a failure. It's also endless guilt trips to make me feel pathetic.

The part that hurts worst of all, I am disabled. I have been for 15 years since a work related accident in my mid twenties. I have no life outside of work because I have given all of my free time to my parents. I am constantly being screamed at, which aggravates a headache condition. The endless stress is starting to have a strong affect on my health. I am planning on relocating, but the housing market is abysmal, especially with what I can afford.

She has become such a psychotic pathological liar, and she never understands anything anyone says. She takes everything the wrong way and then it's take it out on me and my father. Her doctors and neighbors think she is a sweet little old lady, but she deserves an academy award for her acting.

Somedays, I just want to die to get away from it. I'm one man, I never asked for this, and I never deserved the hell I am put through. The other people who left comments are the only reason I am still breathing. They have left me feeling a little less lonely in this world.
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No, don't take this post down. It helped me when I was dealing with my brother's crazy ex who managed to alienate all of her children and me for four years. I had to deal with her yesterday at a funeral. Nothing wrong with her brain, just a weird, bossy and eccentric dressing woman. Everybody else was dressed decently. She came to the funeral wearing a plaid short skirt with boots at 76 years old! Even her friends she invited were dressed nicely for a funeral. I think these people were mean and bossy when they are younger and when old age really sets in there is hell to pay.

Years ago, my grandfather choked his granddaughter when she was trying to administer care to him and my mother had to go in and make him stop. He was another mean man and would beat his wife. It was mainly the two oldest granddaughters who stayed home and took care of him while the parents worked. He abused the hell out of them too.
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No don't take this down. This is where I leave my darkest feelings. It is not easy being my mother's daughter. Most people I know have had normal mothers and cannot relate. This is my go to place.
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True, this post has been helpful for many people. Some older posts aren’t relevant though and those can be removed.

Posts like this one can still be useful for others to read.

I have not been able to figure out how AgingCare closes posts. Lots of great posts are shut down because they don’t seem to be placed in the rotation cycle.
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You know, this post reminds me of a woman who I knew years ago. She had a drunk for a husband and a bossy invalid mother-inlaw. She ran a tourist home, did illustrations for childrens books and cleaned the tourist home wearing a stop watch. She had a lot of family issues. The verbal abuse from her mother in-law and the drunk husband sent her over the edge. She was later diagnosed with bipolar disorder and became suicidal.

You cannot take verbal abuse or any abuse for that matter thinking that it is just rolling off your back. Eventually, it catches up with you.
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WHAT TO DO WITH SUCH A MOTHER? ANY LEGAL ADVISE? I cannot afford ANY nursing home costs for her. There are much cheaper alternatives abroad but how can I make her board the plane? I AM READY TO COMMIT SUICIDE AT THIS POINT!!! Please, someone tell me about legal steps that I could take to put her on a plane, please!
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JustAGuy1982 - your story is heartbreaking. You deserve some happiness in this life! Please get away from your mother while you still can.
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