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I've learned the term on other sites -- it's referred to as "hoovering" (like the vacuum cleaner), because she's sucking you back in. It's one of the main things in toxic relationships - the pushing away/pulling back in. She's dominant, so she's the one doing the pushing and pulling. If she has dementia, maybe she truly doesn't remember. But it doesn't sound out of character for her to manipulate in whatever way serves her purpose.
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Okay I don't know where my other post went. But my mom calls me today and acts like nothing ever happened! We talked about normal stuff. She never once asked me about my money and she also never apologized for the things she said to me either. So I don't know if she truly does not remember saying them to me or if she just doesn't care and think it doesn't matter.
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I wonder if she has Dementia. Because there are times where she will tell me something and then the next time I talk to her she will say "Did I tell you this" and I wil say yes and then she will tell me anyways.
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It is how she operates and it is not normal. Loo has it right. My mother has done this all her life. You don't get it because you are normal and normal people don't do that. Once she thinks she "has you" again she will go back to her old ways. It is up to you to decide how much of this, if any, you want to put up with. Eventually I told my mother that I would decrease contact if she kept up that sort of thing and other toxic behaviours. The result - I have decreased contact. It is very stressful and crazy making. She will always blame you for any problems. ((((hugs))) I know it is hard - but do what is good for you
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Mother repeated herself a lot all her life. Dementia is not causing the other behaviours you describe which are toxic. She may be developing dementia but from what I have read and I have followed your thread and the other one, her main problem sounds like a personality disorder/narcissism. She has very poor boundaries and is highly manipulative. What difference would it make to you if she is developing dementia?
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I will keep an eye on this and see what happens. But I will not let her suck me back in. As long as she can talk to me about stuff other then money and such I will talk to her. But the minute she goes back to that I will cut her off.
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Great elmo!!! You have set a boundary. That is so necessary with people like your mum. If she had dementia I think she would not remember to ask if she had told you something. She would have forgotten totally that she had. Hope you have a great Christmas.
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Wow the headline for this thread really got me. I gave up my career and moved to the very small town my children and their families live in to be closer to them and enjoy my grandchildren. One month later my mother comes to visit. What I didn't know was that after 60 years my father had had enough so she is here to stay. She has dehydrated, in the hospial for a month, fallen several times, had pneumonia now I'm on pins and needles because her hip implant is loose and dr saying it will eventually come completely out. My mother is very passive agressive and an emotional blackmailer. It's not just me. I'm the only one out of four children that even speaks to her. One of my grandsons that's only seven told me she didn't like him. But he said that's ok I don't like her either. Good for him! I don't even have the grandchildren over because she plays favorites and makes it very clear who is not on her list. I love my mom but I do not like her. That's really hard when she lives with me and I have to take care of her. I am not getting to see my babies or do all the things I moved up here to do. I resent her because I know she only came up here to run away and now I am totally stuck. I was so glad to find this forum and know that I'm not losing my mind as I'm not the only one. Thanks guys
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One thing I failed to mention, my mom has been "sick" and I have been her caretaker since I was six years old. When she needed me I was her "little mother" because I took care of her and the rest of the family, cooking, cleaning and childcare. That's a heavy burden for a six year old. When she was better I went back to being a "stupid idiot". I broke away from that as an adult and I'm holding my boundaries with her now on her seesaw of her opinion of me. At least at 60 I can expect and demand respect.
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60, setting up the emotional boundaries so that your mother can't ravage your self esteem seems to be the very hardest part of managing this kind of relationship. You've got it, you've done it, and I take my hat off to you.

So once that's straight, it becomes easier to assess what it is and is not reasonable for you to give to her care. And looking at what you've taken on, I think you might want to have another go at dealing with the burdens she continues to place on you. Ok, you're a lot bigger and stronger than you were at six, but even so. Are you sure that her being in your house is the only right option?
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Sadly my mother does not respect me unless I do what she wants. Now that I am trying to insert my independence and will no longer do what she wants she thinks I am "Mentally handicapped"etc. Now that she can no longer get her way she is angry.
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So Glad I found this Board. I felt I was the only one having to deal with a Hateful, Spiteful Mother, I am also convinced by what some of you are saying that she is also undiagnosed with Bi-Polar as it comes on, always catches me unaware when it raises its ugly head. I am left Hurt, Angry & Confused as to what it was That I could of done. I have been dealing with her alone for 5 years she is just turning 80 & I am 57 retired with 30 yrs. to be able to stay home & care for her as she is getting up in age. I felt she needed someone around more as I figured she was lonely she has no friends. My Husband & I bought our "Retirement Home" on a lake 4 years before my anticipated retirement soon after my Father passed away and we mutually agreed it might be better to have my Mom move there as we were coming down on weekends and we could stay and keep her company. Well she pretty much took over ownership of the house and now that we have moved in Permanently its been a struggle to regain the house back. We've Finished remodeling the Kitchen. Painted most of the interior of the house and just starting on redoing the living Room. All of this has been a huge struggle to regain my house back & she throws a fit with everything I am doing. The last blowout was over the Living Room........I've just had enough! I Told my husband I was ready to move out to anywhere. The main problem is my parents weren't financially smart with their money so there isn't anything left but SS for her. She can't affort to live alone. Another problem is she has a Cat & Dog that are her pride & Joy. The Dog is not house trained & I have baby gates up to keep him out of the carpeted bedrooms and the cat is scratching up our lovely antique furniture!
The animals won't be going anywhere soon......so I am stuck even if there was an option of an assisted living place for low income. Its just been hard for me to enjoy the Retirement I've looked forward to all these years with her Self-Centered ways. I am lucky in the fact that she is able to do for herself still, but really dreading the time when She truly needs help. Thanks for letting me blow off some steam. I am so glad that I'm not alone anymore!
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In answer to the last few posts, for months I did everything I possibly could for my mother including dealing with her manipulation and passive agressiveness. I was losing myself in the meantime. Then one day I was at home just in the next room and overheard her on the phone with her sister. I wasn't eavesdropping at all she just didn't realize I could hear her. With both of them on cell phones I could actually hear both sides. She was taking great pleasure in telling her everything I was doing wrong including my job, my grandchildren, cooking, you name it. She told her how she had to hide her money and drugs (which I have to hide from her!). She was so nasty and so evil on that call. I had heard her talk about others like that all my life but never dreamed she talked about that like me. I was her precious daughter! Haha! Something snapped in me that day. I waited until she finished her call and then told her if she thought those things about me to pack up her stuff cause she was leaving. I told her I deserved and expected respect because she was in MY house. There was to be no comments or insults to me or my family period. And how dare she speak of me that way. I told her she really had the nerve because she knew she didn't have anywhere else to go other than a nursing home. I told her I would be happy to take her if she thought they would let her in with only her social security check. Some of you may think it was wrong to speak to my mother that way but I think if we are going to take them into our homes they need to respect us as adults and we need to set the rules and boundaries. They would expect the exact same from us if we moved back in with them. I refuse to let my mother suck me back in to being that six year old again. It has taken me years to overcome my mothers abuse and I do not allow it now. No one else will take her because of how she treated them. I am just struggling with how to fight the resentment and dislike yet still handle her health problems. Please do not let your mother take over your homes. You wouldn't allow anyone else to do it. Thank God I am not married because I don't think I could run interference with a husband and my mother..
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I too am an only child and I am 47. I see that you are 60 and it worries me my mom will be around when I am 60. I am hoping that I can make a break for it before then. this is too much for anyone to take on. I ALMOST took my mom in my home and I am so glad I didn't. She is in AL right now and hating every minute of it. She reminds me what a terrible daughter I am all the time for putting her there. --she went willingly, no force used. She reminds me how I won't take her home with me and so on. I refuse to bring her to my home and listen to her complain, whine, and cry how miserable her life is and how miserable I make her. We have a dog and a cat and that keeps her away..Ha! She told one of the nurses when she was in the hospital that she couldn't live with me because I have kids at home and a dog. The nurse laughed and told me I should get rid of my husband, my dog, and my kids and move my mom in. We laughed and laughed. Good thing my mom didn't hear her. I have given up the last 3-5 years of my life taking care of my mom's needs, that I have truly lost myself in the process. I am so sad and look for the light at the end of the tunnel. My light may come by way of me! Me making the decision to finally leave her behind and take my future and my life back. The manipulation and guilt that she throws out is too much for me too.
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Drowning, not much help for most of it, but for the cat you can get sticky tape that blocks scratching on furniture and residue would come off eventually. You can clip claws if they let you and buy fancy scratching posts but my cats never went for either of those things. We just had to pick the right furniture and do the sticky tapes on the rest, and duct tape on the stuff that got scratched up before we knew about sticky tape. We got lucky on one cat likes to scratch Styrofoam and cardboard boxes better than anything else. I hope you can enjoy the critters some despite their bad habits :-)
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My cat loves the cardboard scratchers.And I also found a self groomer.It's a curved brush on a carpet. He loves that too.Depends on what your cat likes. I would not try to cut a cats nails unless you want to be bit or scratched.
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My mom once even tried to get me to take out a life insurance policy on me! Why I don't know. Not married and have no kids. Unfortunately for her I did not qualify due to a disability.But they sent me a questionare to answer to see if I qualified and I sent it in. My mom got made when I told her I answered the questions truthfully! She told me I should have lied! I told her "If I had they would have found out eventually'. She must think people are really idiots.
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Pretty bad, elmo. You are wise to keep your distance. Merry Christmas,
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Hi everyone, hope you had a good Christmas! Managed to get through one day with mother, husband and child by keeping mother very busy cooking! Then escaped as soon as possible to my dad's house. Took your advice and sat down with both sisters. Good move. Turns out we all want out, but also all want her physical needs taken care of. Have agreed a shared schedule of phone calls and visits using a shared online calendar, so each of us knows when the others are phoning her or dropping by. This helps the sister who feels she's 'doing it all' to feel supported and helps us all do the minimum while mother gets at least 3 contacts a week so won't b*tch about how we've all abandoned her. We've also all agreed that if she crosses a boundary which makes one of us walk out, the others will support that sister when mother rings up to rant. I tried so hard not to "you should" my sisters and to let them know they needed to find their own way of dealing with mother and we will all respect the others' journey. Feeling positive and I sincerely thank you all for your useful advice.
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Oh thank goodness ! It's not just me !!!! I haven't seen my parents for about a year.......long story so i'll tell you the basics...I'm 48 ,middle of older sister (NZ) and younger brother. I was always told I should've been a boy . Through life my father understood me, my mother didn't have time for me , I was in the way.A few years ago I became the shopper , taxi etc for my mother when my dad was hospitalised for 8 months. When she'd moan I used to be able to bite my lip. My brother was never asked to help as he works full time ( so do I !) Anyway Dad finally went home - much to mums disgust...... Then a lot happened to me. I had a non fault car accident in which the students mother tried to blame me - tried to lose me my job. It was sorted in the end after months of wrangling . My brother had a motorbike accident so I was also helping him, who was also going through moving/divorce. Also ferried mum & dad to see him in hospital.Then redundancies at work - I survived and have done every year since. I then had a hysterectomy, then suffered from anxiety so bad I was put on medication . I couldn't even walk out my front door ! then was diagnosed early breast cancer. All this time I was trying to help my parents . No point in telling them my probs as they weren't interested.Then my mum became very ill . After years of not looking after her health she was diagnosed with blood cancer - controllable if medication taken but she wont. It got to the point where all she did was insult me personally. She's very bitter and hates my dad. Whatever you suggest - she has a valid refusal for it. Because of my anxiety , I stopped visiting. I couldn't cope with all the negative toxic ways of her. My brother helps them a lot , he lives up the road from them. At no point during my illness has any of my family contacted me. Not even a happy birthday. My brother thinks i'm selfish , and he tells other relatives so. It seems the help I have given has been forgotten . I didn't expect anything back but a 'how are you?' would've been nice.To be honest , ive become a bit of a hermit . Ive decided to involve myself with my granddaughters more as they make me happy. I would like to see my parents but I know all my parents will do is fight and argue , i'll be given a shopping list and have some sarcastic remark aimed at me. Then my anxiety levels double and i'll come home feeling depressed and worthless......A friend suggested I remove all toxic/ negative people from my life - it just happens that my parents have become that. I cant even bring myself to call them....i'm damned if I do and damned (by other family ) if I don't !!!!
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kaylouise, I think for your own well being that you need to see a therapist and get some meds from a doctor your anxiety and depression.
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Well so far so good. I have talked to my mom several times since you threw a hissy fit about me doing my own bills. And we have talked about things OTHER then bills. I am hoping she has gotten the point that I am a capable adult. But time will tell.
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I'm sorry I have the same problem. I feel the guilt. But she is so nasty, my mother has been like this all her life. I'm so tired of it.
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You are not alone I deal with the same sh*t everyday and I point out how miserable she is and it doesnt phase her at all. There is something seriously wrong with these people
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Oh one more thing look it up they are not only miserable they are malignant narcissists they hate life and they hate you.. Thats why they are so miserable and no matter what you do for them you are dammed if you do or dont. These people are fn evil to the core in my opinion. I cannot stand them
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Treadingwater, you describe my mother to a "T". Mean, ungrateful no matter what you do for her, verbal abuse and constant complaining. She was verbally and physically abusive when we were growing up and my sister and I lost respect for this woman YEARS ago in our pre-teen years. She was NEVER was the nuturing person that you expect a mother to be.
I am now 60 yrs old and after a recent family blow up with mom & my stepdad, I have come to the conclusion "I am NOT taking her crap anymore!" Enough is enough. After the family fight, I spent 2 days in tears feeling very hurt and emotionally abused......once again. My husband has been a saint and understands my feelings as he is not happy with what took place either. I thought to myself "they (mom & my stepdad) are winning if I allow myself to feel this way." I have decided I am no longer going to the nursing home to see my mother, she can sit there and rot away as far as I am concerned......not a way for a daughter to behave, but after the h*ll this woman has inflicted over the years, I am done. Hang in there, I am SO glad I found this site, it is very comforting to know that others are going through the same situation. There is strength in numbers and all of us have to stick together and support each other. Hugs to you !!!
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My mother has been a narcissistic emotionally blood sucking vampire with delusions of grandeur her whole life. She's been in a NH for over 2 years now (parkinsons, dementia & strokes). Initially she shared a room with a really sweet lady who kept to herself but she was on the poor woman's back 24/7, calling her all sorts of names. Eventually the lady had a stroke and passed and, to this day, I wonder if the stress caused by Mommie Dearest caused it. At that point I got her a private room before she killed anyone else.

She has,refused any activities and just lays in her bed plotting and planning how she's going to buy a magnificent house and have live in servants around the clock. Of course I got blasted on a daily basis until her screaming tantrum phone calls caused me such stress I blacked out driving my truck at 85.

At that point it was either her or me. I changed my phone number and made it unlisted. I've also been very careful never to give her my address as she'd likely set the cops on me, as she did 20 years ago when I didn't answer the phone "because I was worried about you". Worried? I was working 7 days a week and took a nap! Just manipulation.

I am an only child and have POA. I preserve her money, pay her bills and run her errands but visits can make me physically ill for the next 24 hours. I live out in the country and it's been bitterly cold and snowy so I don't go out much. I have a list of her "wants" and I may go into town (45 minutes away) tomorrow to shop ... and only because that's where I get the special food my dogs eat.

I've decided to drop her stuff off at the office with the request to take it to her saying I have a cold. After the last few horrendous visits I've been considering having a cold for some time now. She's been the mother from h*ll my whole life and I shouldn't feel guilty but I do - then I remember things from my childhood, like New Years eve when people were taking their kids to firework displays and I got dumped at my grandmother's overnight so MD could go dining and dancing.

I am determined to stick to my guns! After a cold I might even get the flu, measles, distemper or anything else I can think of that's catching. I must break free once and for all!!
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BTW she's 88 now, bed ridden, unable to sit up or stand, incontinent and eats next to nothing because the food isn't prepared to her liking and there's no room service {rolling eyes}.

She's had a number of strokes over the past 15 years - in the early years causing me to run 200 miles to see her and pick up her dog which pooped all over my furniture 24/7 - her reaction to that was "Oh, she missed me" ... no offer to have the upholstery cleaned.

The last two, since she's been at the NH, she's been taken to hospital 45 minutes away on fast roads where they say there's nothing they can do for her so they send her back. Next time it happens I'm not turning out. A few months ago she fell and was taken to hospital to have a cut finger stitched. I got blasted for not racing to the hospital at midnight because "I expected you to come running through the door any minute" ... again rolling eyes. When I had hip surgery in the late 80s she never came to visit me, yet she so expects, but that's the way of the narcissist. We'll never fix these people. All we can do is get them out of our lives.
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Ashlynne, Have you considered talking to a hospice service? If your mthr qualifies (use their doc to evaluate her), then they will handle ALL the extra care. When mthr broke her wrist, hospice brought out an x ray unit, decided it was broken, and not to cast it. I'm particularly happy they did not call me until the next day when she was drugged up & out of pain and I did not need to worry about the problem at all.
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Surprise as far as I'm aware hospice here is only for people close to death. Narcissists seem to hang around forever just to make everyone else miserable ... it's almost like a vocation. MD's parents were in their 80s with no car and lived around the corner from her. She didn't work and had a big fancy car. Grandma would walk 2 miles to the store and 2 miles back carrying her groceries. Occasionally MD would drive her and even though grandma said what a luxury it was to go in a car, MD did it very, very rarely.

She complained grandpa took his teeth out at the dinner table. Did it not occur to her that they hurt him and he needed to be taken to get them fixed? He wore twill trousers which were so dirty. Did it not occur to her to take them to the cleaners?

Grandma passed away and MD totally refused to care for grandpa because it would be "too much trouble and I'm not washing his dirty underwear". She was far too busy shopping, having her hair done and planning her next exotic vacation. Yes, he could be a bit of an old devil ... she's more than a chip off the old block! ... but he was quite capable of seeing to himself, just needing feeding and laundry. She badgered and abused my father, who jumped through hoops of fire to give her everything she wanted, until his heart gave out. Just before he died he said to me "Your mother will never be satisfied with anything".

Apart from what she has done over her lifetime to her family, she's used, abused, manipulated and trampled on anyone who dared cross her path, only playing nicey-nice if there was something in it for her. She has no friends. Sad though it is ... such a wasted life ... I feel she is now paying for all she's done. I will continue to pay her bills and drop off wants/needs but I'm basically cutting her out of my life. I'm 65 now and it's time for me to rebuild my life after I gave up my home and career ... losing all I'd worked so hard for ... and went through now 5 years of h*ll to care for/cater to her.

For whatever time I may have left on this earth, it's my time now.
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