My mom has been a miserable, nasty, and hateful person all her life. As a mother she has dominated every aspect of her children's life.

As an update to my post last July, my mother had another stroke in September and it's knocked the nasty out of her for the most part. Of course her dementia has worsened considerably, her speech is slurred and she can no longer sit up or stand alone. She's actually quite reasonable lately and not so far gone that she doesn't know who I am.

Today on the phone she told me she woke in the middle of the night to see a man with a black hat and long black coat and she was terrified. The call bell got a nurse to come and she escorted him out of the room. We're at the stage where I need to check out whether it's real, imagination or hallucination but the NH confirmed it had occurred. They have a new resident who is a wanderer and they've put a picture on his door so he knows where to go.

Darn it, some people have all the luck. I haven't had a man in my bedroom for years, but then my dogs would likely eat him anyway :)

mbvargo, I agree and understand everything you just said. I still don't know how in the world I came out of this whole thing with even a half grasp on my sanity... Amen to all you said. vstefans, yes, yes, and yes. Glad to know that you guys get it.

Self-inficted pain and misery is still pain and misery, and when dementia sets in to top it off, the miserable person is even less able to get any of what they want than they ever were, they lose any "filter" they ever had, and all their worst thoughts and behaviors are bursting out all over, without even a pretense of empathy that may have served to manipulate people into meeting their needs before.

This accounts for some, though not all, of the people who end up in facilities with no one who visits them. But, if you cannot find a way to be of real help to them, it is no use for you to just be sucked in and eaten alive. Placing someone and being a less frequent visitor may improve who they treat you; if they sense you will be there for them no matter how they act, they may never act any better. I say "may" because the capacity for consicous insight and real change may be nil, but many will treat infreuent visitors and staff better than the family member who cares for them all the time.

I would like to tell you to disregard all the ugly things mom says about you and to you, but I know first hand how hard it is to feel like a worthy human being when your own mom calls you stupid. Mine would brag about me to other people but still sometimes it was just like having posion dripped into you every day. It brought me down; I learned to do whatever little things I could that she might actually like and to expect nothing in the way of apology or supportiveness of any kind. There was no way on earth to learn all of her unwritten rules about what was to her liking and what was bad or stupid. I had already learned that emotional support would have to come from someone else, though of course Mom always discouraged contact and openness with anyone else...I had to learn to stop letting her discouarge me from having normal close relationships and from forgiving or overlooking rather than judging and holding grudges.

The saddest thing about my mom's life is that she had no idea of forgiveness; she simply always had to be right.

2tiredinflorida I wonder about this all the time, if they are going to be completely miserable and make everyone else miserable why not have her live in some kind of senior housing and not your house? I got the same thing going on. I think if I moved her to a senior place they would boot her out though. She can't live in my house I would kill myself. Can you get adult day care for her to go to then make her go? Don't be a prisoner there is zero gain. you aren't making her happy. i told my mother that if she tried to move in she would have mandatory weekly therapist and would be forced to take anti-anxiety meds she was prescribed. She scoffs. I am deadly serious. Don't let this be your life, she created her world and that's how she wants to live, she doesn't have to do it in your house. My mom throws plenty of fits, always has but now she has discovered that the audience is COMPLETELY GONE. After my dad died that was the last person on earth that was going to respond to her fits. Don't respond. If you are totally stuck with her in your house you need to respond. You know the whole.. they took care of you as a kid...etc? Well, then I would treat them like they treated us. There were no choices, Go to adult day care that's the law. I don't care if you like it, you are going. Put your foot down. It's your house. I"m sure she didn't cater to you and give you your way as a child. We rarely watched tv as kids she had us a slave labor to relieve her anxiety. She doesn't get to pick tv shows. She is welcome to go to her room. We are training my mother when she stays for long visits that if she doens't like what is going on she is free to go to her room and watch tv. No one cares if the kids are too loud or oh how she hates the RADIO on, music is her enemy. No one cares, just like a kid, get over it or go to your room. I say We don't complain in our house you will have to get use to the rules here. She gets soooo mad. She isn't going to run things here. I absolutely REFUSE to have that woman make me miserable. She did it for my whole growing up, it's over and done. She can't have anymore of my happiness. She can sulk alone. She's been doing it for 75 years...You watch what you want to, it's your house. she did the same when you were a kid! How about fining her a dollar every time she complains?? I'm thinking of starting that here, might make them shut up??

I know where you are coming from. I have been taking care of Mom since my Dad died seven years ago. I honestly think, she drove him to his grave. She was always telling him " It's time for us to go to our apartment" ( their crypt ) She would say that every day, finally he just gave up living and went downhill fast. She complains from sun up to sundown! I cannot leave the house, or she throws a fit. I am like a prisoner here! Yet she does nothing other than sit in her chair staring at the wall, or going through old photos. If I try to put on an old movie, or something I enjoy watching, She storms off to her room. All she does is sit in that damned chair and complain! I am like you, slowly going mad.

Naturelover55 - welcome and hugs. There is hope! You are not alone.
First, get her to a doctor for evaluation. Dementia like behavior can come from so many different things. Stroke, clashing meds, urinary tract infections, and more. It's important to get a doctor to pay attention to this to know what to do for her and you!

She may need care at home, or outside of home. Some of our folks do better in a senior care facility, and they are not all nursing homes. Sometimes they behave better for people in medical authority clothes, like nurses & doctors.

The meanness is so hard to bear. But it's a sign something is happening to her. Even if she's been this way mostly always. They are going to be better around people they don't see often, so you get to see it all because you are there all the time.

Please contact your local area on aging to connect with in-home services, financial assistance, and support. My tip is to never ask the elder if that's ok or if they want help to come in. If it's necessary, it is necessary. When I was 5 nobody asked me if i wanted to go to the dentist - I would have said no of course! You just do what you have to do to make her safe and yourself sane and protected.

You deserve a life with happiness and love. Please stay connected and let us know how it's going.

I goggled how to deal with a miserable parent and up came this site. I have read over 100 postings and feel I can relate to at least one thing in almost every posting.

My mother is and has always been very miserable, mean, jealous, angry and hateful all her life. I feel she is getting worse. Way back in elementary school she would tell the teachers not to allow me
to have friends, then when I started to date she would not give me phone messages.
My father would want to fist fight my dates. It was awful to say the least. My miserable father died a few years ago by choice, he released himself from the hospital (no one went to see him). He was tired of fighting with mom. He had no friends and relatives had nothing to do with both my parents. They would ruin holidays and to this day, mom still does. Well I thought to move my mom back to where she grew up (her mother died young and no one wanted the kids) so some were spilt up and she ended up with her grandfather. I moved her back here thinking it would be better for her. Small town, less crime, shopping close by, has a sister here and Senior Centers. She would rather sit home and complain all day and call me names.
We live together and I'm looking for work. I apply for lesser jobs too, still nothing. I met a nice guy and she hates him, calls him names daily and me too. Her favorite name for me is ass****. She uses the middle finger almost daily, in public, at home, at the store she makes scenes. I now wait in the car for her to shop. I sweep the floor and she will throw crumbs on the floor, she kicked food under the chair I sit on rather than pick it up, I saw her do this and she lies. Just in the last couple months she accuses me of stealing things, like a pen, or scissors. The pen was in front of her the whole time and the scissors she put in a bag two days earlier, she could not remember putting them there no matter how much I reminded her. We walked into her room together and there they were, in the bag where she put them. She misplaced money, I helped her look for it, moved furniture only to never find it? She accused me of stealing her recyclable and giving to my friend?? She was in a RAGE! Yelling, cussing, calling me names. I called the recycling company and they said they picked up, she called too but would not tell me what they said, so I called them myself, yet she never said sorry. She accuses me of stealing her salad dressing just two days ago when I saw it in front of her. Never does she say sorry.
I had mention this to my long time friend of 35 years who knows mom and he said it sounds like dementia? I am 54 and know nothing about dementia till last month. Does this sound like dementia? She is worse than ever. Do old people get mean as they age? She is pretty healthy and is not rich or poor. She can afford to do things but rather sit home and look for trouble. I get migraines so she sprays chemicals knowing I suffer. She slams doors when I have a migraine. She is horrible. Never is she wrong, she will argue till the sun goes down. She has to always be right. I can't say one thing without her "barking' at me. I don't even get half way done with my words and she is cutting me off to argue. There is NO reasoning. Today I fixed breakfast for myself, she said why? To throw it away? I cut fruit on a plate, she said why is that fruit bad? Why would I cut bad fruit on a plate? Everything is negative, EVERYTHING! I try to say very little to her now, but still she tries to argue.
It's a fight daily, she wakes in a bad mood EVERY day. I remember my father saying she is a miserable "B" and I agree. Never does she say good morning, its always something rude or cusses. I tell her I am going to ignore her and I do, still she goes on and on. I take her shopping and she starts yelling in the car. If I say I am going out with my friend, she calls him foul names, goes into a rage, yelling, cussing, throwing her arms up. I told her it's a jealous rage. There is no stopping her, she goes on and on and on, even if I leave the room.I find its best not to tell her things and when she ask, I say it's not your business. Usually she cusses at me or calls me names rather than saying OK. I use to take her out on day trips, NO more. My friend bought me a humming bird feeder and like to watch them, she said I'm stupid and the birds are stupid too. I have a cat, she says I'm stupid for talking to her. I tell her she's a good kitty and I'm stupid? I took mom on the trail to walk last week and get some exercise, she starts saying all my friends are losers? People were looking and I was embarrassed. I try to stay away from her, if I walk into another room she runs in and starts complaining or calling me names or my new friend. I told her he's here to stay, too bad, it's my life and I will pick my friends, not you. My friend has done a lot for me and has been there for me. I helped him when needed too. She responded with the F word. I hear the F word daily. So, so difficult. I can't afford
to move without a job. Today she called me many foul names, said I look stupid reading things on the computer. I told her some day you might need me and I won't help you. I have never known her to have friends and relatives stayed away cause my father would make scenes and call them names, plus my parents fought 24/7 even in public. He was a horrible father too, liar, cheater, thief. I am not sure if it's her age or the move back here maybe opened wounds or she's ill or what. But it's horrible to be around her. She refuses to get professional help, says I need it. Says she's the way she is cause of me, wishes she never had me. I have a brother who lives out of the area, He came to visit a couple months ago and saw the real mom, now he seldom calls her. He brought his girlfriend and mom said if you bring her...... Well, she embarrassed us. Made the visit a living hell. She told me on the last day of his visit, I warned him.

.Any advice is appreciated.

Jessiemae, there is no one else to help him because of his behavior. He is taking advantage. Do very little for him. Especially if he tried to molest you. I would look deep into myself to see why I felt obligated to take care of this creepy man.

Thanks for your comments. He already gets meals on wheels, but fusses about them not being very good. We live in a rural area, so they come once a week and bring a weeks worth of frozen meals. I think he eats those for his evening meal. He still drives and goes to town a couple times a week. He is too tight to spend much on food. He gets mostly breakfast food like sweet rolls, frozen breakfast sandwiches. His pantry is pretty much bare and so is his refrigerator. There is a little store/gas station across from his house that has a few fast food items and four days a week they serve a plate lunch. Sometimes when I'm in a tight for time, I go get him a plate lunch from there, but if I'm not around he just sits there and says he eats cheese and crackers or something like that. At least that's what he says he does. I don't go out there on weekends and he will actually go across the road and get a hamburger then. I know I'm silly for messing with him, but I feel guilty if I don't try to help him out because there's no one else to help him.

I agree scale back what you are doing he does not appreciate you and what you do for him get meals on wheels -they give extra food for weekends and bad weather-he probably will not like the meals but too bad-maybe his behavior will change

Jessiemae - if he won't sign durable power of attny documents naming you, then I'd scale the work way back. Bring in meals on wheels, and get him into a senior day program. Without dpoa, your time is a free gift to him and you gave no recourse.

My aunt was exactly like your mother. She had no children and no friends, so I had to deal with her. She passed away a couple of years ago and sounds horrible on my part, but I felt like a huge weight had been lifted. Now I am stuck with her husband, my uncle, who is exactly like her. He is 91, still lives alone, but thinks I am supposed to take care of him. I go fix his lunch everyday and resent every second of it. He isn't my blood kin as my aunt was my mother's sister. When I was a teenager, he tried to sexually abuse me until I finally ran off and married my husband and moved to another state. I was free of them until they moved close to me so I could take care of them about 20yrs. ago. after my mother died. His family in another state doesn't have anything to do with him. He is so obnoxious and I couldn't stand to have him live with me. Those people ruined a significant number of yrs. in my life and if the time comes when he can no longer live alone, he will just have to go to a NH. He is stingy and tries to play the blackmail and pity card every time I am around him. He is always saying things like he is leaving everything to me, so I need to take care of him. I'm sure he has quite a bit of money that he has hoarded through the years, but pretty sure it will go to the family that has nothing to do with him. I don't want it anyway, just want him to go away. Yesterday I was having to help with straightening out the new health care supplement he got when he retired from the company he worked for. The company changed providers and it has been a nightmare. He tells me I will get it when he's gone, so I need to get it all straightened out. I flat told him that this is health, not life insurance, so it is only going to help him, not me. It is nothing to me, I am only trying to be helpful because there is no one else that will do it. Then he goes into pitiful mode. I am so sick of him!!!!! It isn't my fault nobody likes him and he has no friends or family.

@mbvargo - do you have my mom in your house? My mom had to stay with us for almost a month while some construction was finished in her sr. Apt. We were all near suicidal by the end of it. She must live alone. MUST. I refused to let her damage my kids and put them through what I had to go through. She had to GO. She has to be lonely but any time a person gets close to her, she just crumples them up and throws them away with the demands, complaining, smothering, controling negativity. It feels like someone is crushing your windpipe.

I encourage you to look into senior housing and how she can fund it herself and with financial aid/subsidies.

I did not bring my mom into our holiday gatherings. I knew she would show off, and do anything necessary to ruin it for everyone. She has not been in my home since she moved out mid-November. She may never be again. This is our safe haven.

If she has fantasies about how we ought to be sitting at her knee anticipating every little thing, waiting for instructions, petting her ego, fawning and kissing up, then she ought to know about my fantasy that will never happen.

My fantasy is that she'd be loving, accepting of everyone of us for who we are, allow us to be our own person with opinions and dreams. She'd be pleasant, friendly, and reassuring. That's all. Just nice to be around. But she isn't. Not even when it seems all her demands and terms are met. So, we do our thing our way, and I apologize to my kids that they got shortchanged in the grandma department.
There won't be dinners, holidays, recitals, cookie baking, shopping, or any of those other nice thigns with her. Too bad, but it's not worth the trouble. You are not alone.

If you substituted the word "my spouse" instead of my parent when you talk about their personalities people would ALL tell you to get out of there as fast as you can, divorce, call the police. But when you say "my mother" well then you're encouraged to deal with the abuse because you must. It's weird. I read you all every evening while getting ready to make that phone call into crazy land. Gear up. The past few days she's been explaining to me how she is moving into my "mansion" because she is tired of taking care of herself and I have nothing better to do. And besides it's free for her to live here. Oh and "Not like her last 4 week stay where I was running in and out and making her crazy". She actually said things are gonna change when she moves in "I'll see" she says meanly. Meaning putting everything to her liking etc etc. she sat here for four weeks over Christmas complain complain too hot too cold food sucks. No music can be played. The phone ringing sends her into fake panic it's soo loud. She wants me to sit and watch tv with her all day. She wants my 15 year old to get her dollhouse out and play with it. She wants exactly what she wants when she wants it no please or thank you then she'll complain about it. She has ruined every holiday which we are obligated to spend with her never the inlaws ever. The more boundaries I build the louder meaner and more resentful she gets. Hahaha. So. Yeah I feel ya. Please god don't let her live to 101. Please please. I....have no advice about holidays and all. Im resigned to her sucking the life out of them til she's gone. The kids absolutely hate it. She gets her way or she cause a big yelling fight. We never say a word back but you can cut the tension with a knife. She is addicted to the adrenaline of fighting and provoking and hurting. I think every year I'm going to leave her alone and protect my family and every year I manage to bring her foul self here. Help us all. Oh here's a gem she said wait til I move in you'll see that your husband likes me better. Oh hshaha don't count on that satan.

londonblonde - great you are getting on with your life and making it good, and detaching from your mother and protecting yourself and your son.
anonlychild - sounds like you are getting there - it is a ongoing work I find.
Yeah zoo -101 and, physically, going strong. Guilt is a hard one, but you can get past it. We all are on the road to recovery. Just keep going in the right direction.
((((((hugs)))))))) keep on keepin' on

Emjo, Oh mercy me, I didn't realize your mom was 101! You my dear are a saint, to be still putting up with her insanity this long you do need a break. My dad is 88 had 2 triple bypasses, pancreatic cancer 40 years ago and is still just as staunchly defiant as ever.
Londonblonde8 I'm so sorry that your mother dare say what she did about you! My fathers mother told him the same thing when my fathers only brother died in a plane crash in WWII that old bat said she wished it had been my dad, screwed him up even worse. Londonblonde8 sounds like you were able to turn your life around. Anger is a great motivator if it's not turned inward. Some people turn the anger and hatred they get from a parent inward it becomes shame based believing for to many years they were the problem. Unless they get help like my dad never got help he couldn't he will live with this self hatred for the rest of his life. Your right there are no victim's only volunteer's. It's a double edge sword trying to sort this out in my life. Even Freud said that he felt he would finally have freedom once his father and mother passed. But when they did oddly enough he wrote he didn't have the freedom he hoped. So how much did Freud really get out of his research, when he too couldn't heal his own childhood wounds. It's a personal journey, we all have to decide when enough is enough. Some folks can walk away I make no judgment call on anyone who can walk away, cause I sure wish I could with out the guilt. But the guilt would eat me alive. So I proceed, I'm making progress however I have a lonnnnnggggg way to go, but I'm on the path to recovery. Part on my journey has been the wonderful people I've found here on this site. They don't judge me, we use humor they get it because we all share the same commend denominator and we're not afraid to talk about! Thank you all for being here ...LOVE... and HUGS....

emjo is right; I am reading Dr. Boss' book right now (for the second time) and it is saving my sanity! I try to stay away from my Mom but have not yet reached the point where I have learned to not respond when she "pushes my buttons". I try to visit when the hospice nurse or aide is there or when there is a new situation, etc. A few weeks ago, when they thought the end was near I even spent the night.....no more. Two weeks later, she is her old, narcissistic self....not that she became this way only from dementia, but she was that way all her life. So, yes, cause yourself no further harm and I will work on that choice for myself also.

burdened - I agree with you totally. My mother is mentally ill and abusive. She is in an ALF and very well cared for, even though she complains about everything and wants me to "fix" these non existent problems, and now wants to move to a place where, in fact, she would be less well cared for. I have said NO, and have to stay out of the way a lot, and let phone calls go to voice mail because of the verbal and emotional abuse. It doesn't stop and you need to protect yourself. A psychologist, Pauline Boss wrote that where there has been/is abuse, be humane to your parent, but cause yourself no further harm. Even that is not easy. I am 76 and my mother 101 and this has been going on all my life. I need a break. Fortunately the health system is finally stepping in and will ensure she takes the meds which calm her. Should have happened years ago.

I admit I have only read about 2 pages worth of comments in this topic but I already have a firm opinion about the subject. I think the only thing a person with an abusive parent should do is to take care of their own emotional health and being. If the person with an abusive parent wants to be humane, make sure the abuser parent is placed in a decent, reputable care facility. Visit occasionally to make sure things are being done properly. After that, your responsibility is finished. Why should anyone allow themselves to be repeatedly abused until the end of the abuser's life? Life is short and should be lived as pain free as possible. When does the victim get to escape the trauma of abuse? I believe it should be AS SOON AS POSSIBLE and WHENEVER THEY NEED TO. Society is sick in it's taboo of turning your back on abusive parents. I just can't follow it.

I researched this subject because I am dealing with this problem with my mother, for me my mother has been no mother at all pretty much all my life . This hatred of me started when I was five years old when my brother died, and she said to me that I should have died instead of my brother. my father who recently passed was mother and father to me all my life, while my mother did everything she could to disrupt every area of my life . now at 88 years old she has signs of dementia and is meaner than ever and is refusing any help at all, I do not feel guilty and I will not be a victim. I try very hard to help or organize things , but she refuses at every turn. So all that can be done is to wait. For all of you that have suffered life is about choices, my mother made conscious choices to hurt me , she was so possessive of my dad she would make up lies to try and turn him against me , this has nothing to do with me , she chose not to forgive god for my brother passing away , she chose not to embrace me in love . I chose to be happy . I have a son and I love him so much , and really her meanness showed me this is who I will never be, I am a survivor and will not allow this woman to destroy me. God knows who you are and what is in your heart, you can have the strength to overcome and deal with this the best you can. I will not allow my mother to do or say hateful things to my son, he no longer sees her... there is no guilt here , why would I allow anyone to hurt my family. We all chose to be happy or not , but some people do not take responsibility for their actions ( my mother has never apologized her entire life for all the hurt she has caused), how is that your problem?, you are responsible for your actions, do not be a victim. Do the best that you can and realize you are not responsible for what another choses to do...no matter what.

There is not a day go by that I don't think about how much better it will be when she finally dies. Whenever my daughter and her hubby are here I almost always tell them I want them to help me kill myself when I start to become her.

My two siblings have spent most of her old age on other continents, or in godforsaken places like Barstow, CA. Coincidence? I think not. Since she came to live in an "independent living" facility in my city 2 1/2 years ago, she has
--fallen and had to have a shoulder replaced, with a week in the hospital and 8 weeks of rehab'
--fallen on her bottom and had four different compression fractures of four different vertebrae, with surgery and 8 weeks of rehab;
--had 9 documented falls since she returned from rehab in mid-November (today is January 7)
--also during that time period, one fall resulted in a fractured metatarsal bone and so she's wearing a support that adds one inch to the leg that already made her walk lopsided.
--we spent New Years Eve Day --the whole darn day--in the ER after a fall that appears to have collapsed yet another vertebra.
--Today we spent one-half day for the follow-up visits required for the ER episode; she got fitted for a new brace that we know she'll never tolerate...and then we'll spend another half day getting an MRI on Thursday, and next week we have (so far) two doctor's visits.

Independent living my arse! My daughter said she thought they should re-instate Hurling Day, where troublesome people and animals were sent to their death from a high altar. (I think she is making this up....but it sounds like a good idea).

My mthr's dementia has been taking her down quickly the last 6 mos. Last May, she knew the names of the 3 little children I took over (at least I think she did), but she was having sundowners in the eves and calling about her mother not answering her phone. The first couple of times I told her she was dead, but that just is not appealing to me to go through over and over.

Thanksgiving she did not remember that I had children, much less grown, married, and pregnant ones who were visiting and she remembered the three little ones' names 6 mos ago. ((*I did protect them from her until she was incapacitated a year ago*)). Today she called to ask if her mother and daddy were dead (1981, 1966), why weren't they answering their phone? I lied and said that her Mother was coming to get her later, just to have a cup of coffee and wait.

This is a woman I really can't stand. It's not fun to interact with her, I have no desire to see her suffer emotionally if I were to tell the truth, and this stuff drags up memories of her abusing me (her Mother took care of me from 18 mos to 7 years and tried to protect me from the wicked witch she knew her daughter was, but then Mother got Alzheimer's and mthr locked her & me up together in the neighboring apt of our duplex among her nicer heinous acts). She obviously does not remember that, but that does not mean it's not staying in my head.

How much longer until I am free again and she does not know me, not just the children? when will she lose the ability to recognize numbers and get the staff to call? They have been told not to let her call, but then she thinks something terrible has happened to Mother, and she calls ME, not "home"!! I'm tired of answering questions about things that happened 30 years before I was born!

BTW, Hospice believed she was eligible for palliative care, but not one doctor after her cancer surgery last year has put dementia in her diagnosis. They sent out a Nurse Practitioner, who some how could not recognize that she had dementia, even though she was talking about her college buddies writing her (last year when she was with cancer) and going to visit (complete narcissistic lie). What the nurse missed was that Queen her cook was going to fix them a party. Queen's been dead since 1979.

AARRRGH!

I also have a *very* difficult (undiganosed BPD/NPD/Lord Knows What) mother with high anxiety & depression and "nerves" my whole life. It's her world and I just get to live in it. She's in senior apartment now, and will likely shift down to the AL unit in the next few months. She has dementia, diabetes, and a very long list of maladies and complaints. If there's nothing to complain about, she'll start some drama about something utterly trivial. Very controlling, threatening, dishonest, and emotionally manipulative, always. Dementia has dulled the sword though, and she's not nearly as crafty & clever as before.

I moved nearly 2,000 miles away the minute I got out of college, and have only been back a handful of times. Now she's a mile away, but I still control my boundaries.

Those of us in this situation must get therapy. It is a real sanity saver - no pun intended. I learned to re-evaluate my priorities and cast off that heavy concrete cape of guilt. Having her live with me for nearly a month really made that crystal clear.

Every day, I give myself permission to do these things:
- Put my husband and children first and do what they need, as they are my support system and the family's future. When I fail to put these guys first, this is the only time when I feel guilty.

- Do what I need to, to ensure we can take care of ourselves. I work full time in a professional career, and it's a big part of who I am. The paycheck is mandatory.

- Take care of myself, which includes NOT doing certain things, like being a door mat.

- I am allowed to do what is possible for me. Not what is supposed to be possible by TV daughters in TV families, or what is possible for other people in different situations. I am not omnipotent, and it all just is not possible at the same time.

- I am allowed to have boundaries and say no. My mother said No to me more times than I can count as part of growing up, and the same word is necessary as she ages for a lot of the same reasons!

- I am allowed to be an adult. I do not need to take that subservient, compliant, calculating and adjusting child's position any more. Her feelings are her problem. I am grown with obligations and am not "on call". I am not responsible for her happiness or any other feeling. I *am* responsible for her safety and that is all.

It has taken me a lifetime of work to get to the point where I don't feel responsible for how her day went, or trying to be a certain way to keep her from being upset with me, or denying my real "truth" just to make sure she doesn't fly off the handle and make us all pay hell.

My therapist helped me understand I can let myself out of jail. And I'm not going back in there.
I wish that everyone here could connect with a good therapist to help clear things up and set matters straight.

I also think "if my kids do this to me when I'm old, will I be OK with it". And that's how I try to gauge my choices now. I don't intend to be an emotional sink-hole or manipulator or hateful obligation who controls them. I want them to live their lives and be happy. I will have had my turn by then.

Mark if you are able try to detatch yourself from her complaining-before my mom died after she screemed at me yet again-I said to myself I am taking back my power and will not let her words hurt me-it set me free-she became ill soon after that trip and died a few weeks later-but at least I had broken free of her verbal abuse-your mother is narcisstic and her behavior is classtic of that type of person-it is not your fault even though they do not see the problem being them. I felt relief when the husband died he was the same as my mom-it was all about him-I also had taken my power back from him before he died-now I have a kind nice man in my life-he says he can not erase what I went through but can make my life good from now on-which he does every day and he appreciats me for who I am-I finally have someone who loves me for the first time in my life.

You know. We think we are alone in this journey and when we find out that we are not I think it makes things easier. My mother and her sister are the only ones left of 6 kids and my mother has outlived them all and is the oldest now. She was in the middle. The boys (my uncles) I never really heard much about. I just know that all their kids had some serious problems also. My grandfather was a real demon and I think that had a lot to do with how they all turned out. They learned fighting growing up and carried it on throughout their lives. My mother is exactly the same except she lives with me. She complains so much especially when we are going down the road sometimes I want to just crash into a telephone pole. There are 6 of us kids and my sister and myself are the only ones that have anything to do with her. I want to shake her and say WAKE UP OLD WOMAN. CANT YOU SEE THERE IS A REASON YOUR KIDS DONT COME SEE YOU. It cant be them, ITS YOU. She complains about any friends I have, any spouses my siblings have, anyone I have dated or even known. Complains about food. LORD, does she complain about food. She will go into a restaurant and order a meal. Take 3 bites and say it taste bad. If she eats anything to amount to anything, she then comes home and says it made her sick. Today her dialysis clinic sent her home with 2 Thanksgiving plates. Personally they were delicious. She said the dogs wouldn't even eat them. She complains about EVERY meal and I don't want to even cook for her anymore. I know she feels bad, but why waste a meal when she is going to get up in the middle of the night and make a apple butter sandwich anyway. After she throws what ever meal she had that evening in the trash. Milk goes bad quickly...LOL..No its not. She smells the jug and is it has any smell at all it gets poured down the drain. Bread isn't fresh after 2 days and she wants more and usually half loaf gets thrown away. She will sit and watch TV and make fun of people at how ugly they are. So much negativity is really bad for her health and everyone around her. I told her nurse the other day that I didn't want to hate her, but she is making it easy. If I confront her about anything here come the tears...Im going to a nursing home. So the other day I surprised her with 3 brochures from different nursing homes. Told her when she got out of dialysis she was going to tour them and pick one. She had saw where I had been calculating on one of them and I think she knew I was serious. When I picked her up from Dialysis that afternoon she got in the car crying. Said she didn't want to go anywhere, she would be good. It broke my heart. Like a 5 year old. But the constant complaining still gets to me.Today when we were eating the meal the clinic sent home that I thought was so good, she literally got up from her chair in her bedroom and came in the living room where I was eating to tell me the rolls were soggy. I laughed and said, YOU GOT UP FROM EATING JUST TO TELL ME THAT... I was reading something that said that this is perhaps her only way of conversation. She actually doesn't know how to carry on a conversation because she has complained all her life and if she cant complain, she has nothing to say. Sounds crazy I know, I just wish I could change her. She is getting old, sick and wont be around much longer. I would like to see her make a change so her kids would come visit before she dies. We're all dying but her doctor said she had a year at most. Even knowing that, it doesn't make her complaining easier. I believe it is GOD's way of making her death much easier on me. Since I have been her caregiver for over 10 years now. I am on disability and take her to all her appointments and everything. And since she has lived with me for several years I think I will be confused when she does die. I will not know what to do with myself. And now my health isn't too good, heck I might go before she does. Was talking with her sisters sons the other day and they lost a brother several years ago. They had found a letter that he had written where he said he wished he could go 1 day without his mother wishing him dead. Only in choice words if you know what I mean. HOW MEAN. A mother to wish her own son dead. I personally think he actually took his own life. He had been involved in an accident which he was injured severely and was having a hard time. Now she is in a wheel chair and her other two sons don't even bother visiting until they absolutely have to. She, like her sister, my mother, birches ALL THE TIME. I never thought that my mothers death would be a relief but right now GOD FORGIVE ME, but I think it will be. If I had one wish it would be for her to find GOD before she dies. But I feel she has done something in her life along the way that she thinks GOD will not forgive her for. Anyway, know your not alone. My mother doesn't know her grandkids and doesn't care. Life is all about HER. Never sends a card, calls and wishes someone happy birthday but wonders why she didn't get a card. You know, it is sad, but when you see that you aren't the only person dealing with an uncontrollable parent somehow you don't feel so bad. GOD BLESS You all, and know you aren't alone.

Dump her into AL or a nursing home. She's never been there for you. "Doormat" stamped on your forehead do you have?

I really feel your pain here. I moved my grandmother to Texas from Washington State a little more than a year ago. We added on to our home for her and thought everything would be ok. We have now moved her into an assisted living. I feel like the roller coaster of caring for her is literally killing me. I had no clue what I was getting into. She was always absent from my life until about 10 years ago. I have now learned that she obviously had psych issues on and off all of her life. To say the least she is not easy. Every visit I feel like a literal punching bag...maybe it is just me taking it too personally. I finally got online and googled and found this group. Hoping you guys can help me along this path. My husband is super understanding and is worried about me. This may sound crazy but I think just typing this might be helping some although I will have to stop now because the tears are keeping me from even seeing what I write, lol. Any advise is appreciated.

My mom had me (the youngest) ,2 older sons,and a daughter(the oldest).She was a self centered,irresponsible,abusive alcoholic for 15years,cared little for her kid's welfare or safety.Now,after 2 abusive marriages,she met a good man and they are on their 25th year of marriage,has stopped drinking,but is just as hateful as ever towards me.I pay her and her husband rent & stay in a one room structure to pay off bills after divorce of my wife.I gave her numerous gifts of love ,help constantly on her property when they ask & DON'T ask for my help,but still,the hateful comments,the insults,the provoking comments continue.I am trying desperately to pay off enough of my debts to get away from her.I sympathize with her gentle,caring husband who endures it all from her as well.I cannot understand where all her animosity and hate comes from,except that possibly she has just chosen to be a bitter,self absorbed,ungodly hateful woman that blames the world for her faults and bad marriages,and takes it out on her kids.She has totally alienated her daughter and niece,who will no longer have anything to do with her.They have no friends in town,only past ones online.They hate visitors and she only gets emails and facebook comments from her other sons who keep their relationship"safe,brief,and distant" which she is totally unaware of.She sees nothing wrong in her attitude and actions toward her kids.

My mom is not as bad as yours, but it's more and more of a challenge to have her over for holidays, so last Thanksgiving, we had her over for lunch and we just served ourselves a tiny bit, knowing we'd eat again later. She had a nice time and was soon tired and we took her home. Then our friends came over and we did our thing. It worked well.

Thanks Orangeblossom. I haven't been to visit the NH in a week and not called for several days. I have some strawberries ripening and next week I'll take her some. If she gets abusive I'll leave probably never to return. After a lifetime of abuse, I have no choice but to take a stand permanently.