I don't want suggestions that I need to place MIL in a home or get more help, or throw DH out on his ass or anything like that. I don't want to be told I need a vacation. I just want someone to come hold me and let me cry and tell me it will be OK. I want to tell them Nancy has been nasty to me and I have to accept it because "we need her". She works cheap. Don't suggest we find someone else. She is MIL's niece.
One day, as the regular caregiver from the home health agency was here talking about her own "burnout" and I was sympathizing, Nancy said she thought I was acting like I was some sort of queen or something. I told her I didn't think I was some sort of damned queen. She said I had an attitude going around telling everybody how bad it was and wanting them to feel sorry for me. I talk to no-one but my husband, my sisters (who Nancy doesn't even know) and to this particular caregiver on this one occasion that day. I've had Nancy in my life 30 months now along with MIL and I am sick of her but I have to tolerate her because DH says so.
Nancy doesn't bathe. She's very large, won't get into a tub because she can't get out of one, so she washes up at the sink. Most days, her odor is so bad I can hardly stand to be around her. She said I was so lucky to have a shower. I told her any time she wanted a shower, just bring an extra set of clothes and take one. I know she would really enjoy it. She won't do it. Her church believes that if you don't belong to her religion, you will go to Hell. She preaches to me all the time even though I have told her I would appreciate it if she wouldn't. I have my own beliefs and they are not the same as hers. My God would not exclude someone who didn't belong to a certain church.
My two children will not visit their grandmother. Neither of them have anything good to say about her and I cannot force them to go into her room and say hello. She hurt them as much as she deliberately hurt me and my husband thinks she gave them everything. A hug with a knife in your back sure hurts.
She's out of the hospital since last Thursday and true to form, waking me up once or twice during the night to go to the potty. It's making an old woman out of me and I'm only 67. She's 92 and goes "whew" almost every breath, and almost every breath is blown in my face. I have to be near her when I'm getting her on and off the potty and serving her meals and changing her Depends and sheets and blankets and I hate getting breaths blown in my face and she says "Yeah" a hundred times a day. What's that about??? Yeah because I pulled a blanket up around her so she would be warm. Yeah because she sat down on the potty, when she got up off it, when I pulled her Depends up, When I gave her a new cup of ice water. I swear, if I could get away with telling her to buzz off, I might feel better, but I'm not exactly sure when she might be in her demented state or out of it. She says "Huh" no matter what I say and I have to repeat myself. I know darned good and well she heard me the first time. I know I'm in a situation I can't get out of until she dies. I just don't know when that will be and it seems like it will be a long, long time from now because we are doing such a wonderful job of taking care of her.
I had to stop driving when I was 48 because of my seizures. She drove until she was 90. I hated that. I get a great deal of pleasure, though, everytime I pass her bedroom door and see her laying there flat on her back, unable to even stand up on her own. We don't put her in a wheelchair and bring her into our livingroom or out on the deck or to eat at the dining room table. She might need the potty and we would never get her back to it in time and we just can't take the potty with her everywhere we take her. Even though I can't drive, she can't stand up. Payback is Hell.
Did I say how sick I am of draining the urinary pouch and carrying the dirty potty out of the bedroom to the bathroom to empty it and wash it out? I know I'm not the only one who does this. But I'm the only one of me that has done it. People in my family tell me I've earned a place in Heaven for taking care of her. I don't think that's a guarantee.
My daughter was venting about her own MIL the other day and I tried venting about MIL to her and she had the nerve to say to me "I don't have the time for that and I don't want to hear any of it anyway. She means nothing to me so don't talk about it." That's why I am here today. When my own family doesn't seem to care, where do I go?
JAD711
Also, my Dad is a "street angel, house devil" too! That's what we call that behavior here! Everyone thinks he's so nice but when he gets home (or when he did), he was an SOB!
xo
-SS
Here's something to laugh at, though. My husband's dog won't leave the goats alone. He runs at their fence(it joins our backyard) and just barks and barks all day. So my husband ran a reduced electric wire along it. It gives a really mild shock out when touched, but it won't hurt. He said it would take him getting shocked only once and he wouldn't go near the goats again! His stupid dog (supposed to be a black lab), has hit that electric wire four times now and doesn't show any signs of stopping. He yelps all over the yard for a few minutes and settles down for about an hour and charges the goats again later. The goats just want to head butt him. My other two dogs went to see what he was yelping about, got shocked themselves and cried about it, and won't go into that end of the yard at all now. My Grandson wanted to see if you can get shocked through a cucumber he was going to give the goats and stuck it against the wire and promptly got a shock "to my toes" he said. He was afraid to give the goats the cucumber after that and threw it away. I tried telling MIL this and she just gave me a blank stare like I was talking in a foreign language. 3 years ago she might have laughed a little. I wasted my breath. I just don't think I will talk to her anymore.
Enjoy the day, sweetie!
-SS
My daughter and I were discussing her one day and I just said I didn't understand why God would let someone live in such an awful state. Why wouldn't He take her? She said "He doesn't want her, either." It's sad she has made such a bad impression on so many and such a good impression on so few. Those few will swear that the majority of us are all lying. She's been quite an actress, and still is, even yet.
Prayers with you - JAD711
I had to laugh at that namby pamby suggestion for the rub downs with lotion too. Give me a break. When they become downright evil, how can anyone be expected to treat them like pashas?
I was elected to tell him the physical therapist said it would be pointless to try to do any physical therapy aimed at making her walk. That goal is unattainable. He works late on Friday nights and I have to tell him this tonight when he's tired. I sure dread doing it.
When I told my husband the therapist said it just wasn't realistic to expect his mother to ever walk again, he accepted that. I explained her foot drop and her right ankle turning in so bad that she can't even put it on the floor. Her ankle is what touches the floor instead. He was not aware of this. We have tried to get him to examine her before, but he wasn't interested, or too shy, or embarassed, or I don't know what, but he just said "You take care of it". What I thought would be a war about the therapy wasn't even a comment in return. He just listened and shook his head. I'm glad I didn't have a fight on my hands over that one.
I finally got enough nerve this morning to tell him about how I was sick of potty duty. My sister had stopped at his work yesterday to give him some homemade veg. soup to bring to me and he told her he had put an IcyHot patch on my back. He said he told her he didn't know if my back hurt from lifting around on her or if it was because I was just tired of taking care of her. When he told me this at breakfast, I said to him. I'll tell you what I'm really tired of. I'm so sick of that damned dirty potty and carrying it through my house to empty it I can't hardly stand it aymore. He said he knew it, but there wasn't much he could do about it right now and he was sorry I had to deal with that part of it. WOW! I haven't heard those words "I'm Sorry",in 40 or 50 years. I didn't think he even knew them anymore. That made today a good day. I got up feeling like a zombie but the day got better and better and right now, it's pretty good if MIL will keep quiet.
Glad you had a good day, you take care and have a great weekend!!
I have told him that it is ok if he has an accident, but to please not take his underwear and rinse the poo out in the sink....I don't want poop going down my bathroom sink! He keeps doing it anyway....ugh....
He doesn't know I am his daughter most of the time, thinks I should know all these people he knew as a child....I think he believes I am one of his sisters. All his sisters have passed away years ago.
I too just want to vent sometimes. I get so frustrated at the man, and I know it isn't his fault, but it doesn't help make me any less frustrated! AAAGGGHHH!!!!!
Pixiebean, do you wash your hair in the bathroom sink? I do, and I caught the caregiver rinsing a washcloth out in ours after she had bathed MIL. My hair is long and actually goes down the sink when I rinse it. I can't imagine all the nastiness in the drain and I cautioned her about doing that again. I told her to use the tub instead. After that one, I'll stick to washing my hair in the shower from now on, too.
If she goes on one of her tirades I just leave, but if I'm driving her somewhere, I'm trapped, so out it comes. She's very passionate about politics. The other day she called me brain dead because I don't believe Obama popped out of the womb, forged his birth certificate and has been plotting to destroy America ever since. I get angry and speed and one of these days I'm going to end up in an accident. Some times I pull off the side of the road and step out of the car until she shuts up, or say "la,la,la,la" like the girl from Saturday night live does when she doesn't want to hear what someone is saying.
It does feel good to vent.
I have to take her to a foot doctor next Tuesday. She has another toe going bad and headed for amputation, too. It is a huge undertaking to get her to a doctor. It takes an ambulance trip and those guerneys don't fit good in my house. They've banged up my hallway wall and scarred the doorway to her room already. I know we've made 10 or 12 trips to one doctor or another already and it's really getting old. This appointment is at 8:00 AM and the ambulance will pick her up at 7:30 AM, so my husband will find out what a tremendous job it is to get his darling mother out of this house (unless he is in the shower when they come). I'm dreading it. She will try to charm the crap out of the EMTs and they will think she is the sweetest thing they ever saw. ARRGH!
I bet you, she will find all kinds of excuses on why she Cannot do so!
So sorry you had a tiring day. Doesn't help when family is cruel but showing us how NORMAL every day life they're having while we live in a prison - a caregiving prison. HUGS to you!!!
As I was typing this, MIL called me to the potty AGAIN. GEESH, I'm so sick of this. If she needed the potty once a day, that would be OK, but it's several times and I just can't plan on doing anything--even don't know when to brush my freaking teeth because of that. She's interrupted every single thing I do, even my own potty. I'm jailed now until Monday morning when Nancy gets back. It's a good thing I have a CD player and good music or I'd be bonkers by now.
BTW, cdo, I'd like some of those bon bons if you have any left your sister thinks you're sitting around eating. I haven't had a bon bon in a long time.