The holiday season is upon us. For some of you this will be the first Christmas and New Year w/o your LO. What will that mean to you? How will you feel? Whether it was your parent, grandparent, sibling or spouse, it'll be a difficult and emotional time. The grief of your loss will set in if it hasn't already. And as much as you want to you can't just get over grief, you can't snap out of it.
Whether it's a parent, a spouse or someone special, grieving is difficult, it's complex. It's sometimes confused with depression, but there are meds for depression. Not so with grief. Getting better depends on building a new life. That doesn't mean forgetting your LO, nor does it mean no more sadness. Who are you now w/o your LO? What defines your life? What will be your new normal? Answering these questions will give you an action plan for recovery. Grief is not a life sentence.
I recall my first holidays w/o my wife. Sadness, loneliness, and tears were the prevailing emotions. For those who have lost a spouse it is especially difficult. What used to be “we” is now “me”. You've lost the intimacy, your future plans, your life's companion and the mere comfort of his/her presence. For me it was the simple loss of holding hands, snuggling on the couch, a peck on the cheek. And although I grieve no more (it's been 3 years), I miss her dearly.
The two “G” words crop up often in this forum when dealing with a LO's death... grief and guilt. Grief is the normal reaction to the loss of a LO. Guilt is always misplaced. Don't feel guilty about what you coulda/shoulda/woulda done and don't let anyone cause you to feel guilty. They have no experience with what you're going through. And don't look in the rear view mirror, life is in front of you. Instead celebrate your relationship, your years together, your joyful moments, reminisce. Remembering and reminiscing can be very cathartic. Nevertheless, recalling a moment, revisiting a familiar place, or even hearing a certain song may trigger a grief burst where the tears just come. That's OK. Hearing Jimmy Durante's “I'll See You in My Dreams” or “The September Song” does it for me.
It's not just time that will heal you, it's time and choice. Make the choice to address your grief so next year at this time and each following year you'll be able to say, “I'm doing better” until at last you no longer grieve. The pain will go away, the sorrow may last longer but the memories will never fade. Love never dies. Resolving grief is a process that we all complete in our own time.
I want to assure those of you whose heart is broken and who is grieving for the loss of someone you loved, that you are not alone in your journey and that your life WILL get better. God bless you all. I wish you peace.
If there is anything good that has come out of Covid, it is being able to join a funeral remotely. There is not way I could have traveled to the UK to attend in person, but I was able to set my alarm clock, get up extra early and pay my respects.
I did everything I could to give my husband a good life these last 6 years. Amazingly, I was able to care for him at home with the help of his VA home-based Primary Care Team. But, we aren’t meant to be in this physical existence forever. His body finally gave out.
Lots of emotions. Lots of unknowns and new responsibilities ahead. One day at a time.
I, on the other hand, find myself on the side of what feels like eternal grief. I feel the exact same way as I did 43 yrs ago when my father was taken by a violent crime. Holidays were absolutely horrible. The only period that seemed to lessen the pain was after siblings started having children and their happiness seemed to lighten the air a little. I don't think that many people understand that I actually do think of him nearly every minute of each day. Always have. I sometimes think it was such an ongoing pain was that he did not get to grow old. I'm not sure. This this year, my youngest sibling died unexpectedly (not covid). For any progress I though I had made in just being able to talk about my father - it seems to have taken me back to the exact moment, the exact day and year when my father was taken. I think it is just how it will be.
was way too big to remove. I let her believe it was old age. The grief was so great because I watched her get weaker and more ill each day. I learned that dementia can be a blessing, she did not remember the bad days nor anything the doctors told her. She was always a feisty lady, up for a fight, but the slight dementia and the low electrolytes made her the most lovable Mom. That was a gift for me, many times she thought I was her Mommy and she’d lay her head on my shoulder. I will treasure those 10 weeks more than the good times we had shopping, having lunch, traveling and talking. But I still have the sadness and grief, a little anger at my sibling. Christmas is going to be tough, so reading this and writing this is helping. I am sorry for the loss of your loved ones. I wish you all many blessings in 2021. It has to be a better year. ☺️🙏
Thank you
Letty
I lost mom in October. I think I'm doing ok, but there are moments...my mom wasn't overly sentimental about the holidays, so it hasn't been too terrible.
However, I haven't been back to church since she passed. Well, I actually haven't been back since before that, since we were all on lockdown. Church was a big part of my mom's life, she was very active her entire life, until she was essentially shut in because of the heart failure. I can take the "wimp's" way out this year, and not go Christmas Eve, because of the pandemic, but if there wasn't Covid around, I don't know if I would have been able to get through the candlelight service without breaking down.
I think once everything is back to "normal" and I can resume going to church, it's going to be rough the first few times.
I am so very sorry for the loss of your sweet husband.
We become ‘one’ when we marry. We lose a part of ourselves when a partner dies.
I often wish that I will die before my husband. I don’t know if I could bear to lose him.
I am surprised that I am not a total basket case during his cancer treatments.
I am managing to hold it together. It’s important for him.
Sue,
How very sweet your love is for your mom.
We are a Catholic family so I understand that you were praying the Hail Mary on that ambulance ride.
It’s a beautiful prayer.
In a Catholic family we never stop praying for our loved ones.
Indeed, they live in our hearts and souls forever.
I will say a ‘Hail Mary’ for your mother, also an Our Father and Glory Be.
We buried my grandmother with her rosary, because she was never without it in life.
At first I was upset because I wanted my mom to have grandma’s rosary but I quickly felt that it was my mom’s decision to make. After all, it was her mother.
I make jewelry and I have made many rosaries, some with crystals, pearls, gem stones, etc.
There is something very special about making a rosary that will be used in prayer.
Lost my Mom age 101 on 10/16/20. The last ride we took together she was dying in the back of an ambulance as I sat in front praying her favorite prayer, the "Hail Mary". I got to be with her in the er trauma room. I managed to call my sibling and Mom's grandchildren so each could say goodbye to her over the phone. I don't know if she heard them or if she new I was even there holding her while I held my cellphone to her ear. But this I do know, she was ready to go, perhaps it was not the best exit from this world but by far not the worst. I console myself knowing what a wonderful lady she was, kind to all she met and do my best everyday to do as she would do. It's the way I honor her. I do miss her music though. Every day she would give a little concert either on her piano or her keyboard. Everyone remembered her that way at her funeral service, her natural musical talent. I am alone now. The house is too quiet without her. We had lived together. But I will remember her words to me that I am strong and that I will go on without her. I will. I do not want to disappoint her. Life moves forward but it is okay to occasionaly to look back and remember those that we loved dearly an miss every day and hold forever in our hearts.
‘
Prayers
I am so sorry for your loss of your husband.
I just kissed my sweet husband goodbye before going for his radiation treatment.
I am married 43 years this April.
You are grieving for your husband but he will live in your heart forever.
Wishing you peace and joy. Reflect on the joyful and meaningful memories.
When her time came, I was grateful that her suffering was over. Now I am grateful that she did not have to see what Covid has done. Her timing was a gift because Covid shut everything down in March. My heart goes out to those who could not be with their loved on at this time.
My peace comes with memories of her. I have a picture board of her with my daughters that meant the world to her. I found joy in giving her recliner to a friend's mother. I asked for donations to the local fire department because of the number of times that they came usually late a night to bring her to the hospital. I donated her hospital bed to a hospice nurse who had a patient that needed it.
The memories and the love she showed me mean so much right now. She is gone and not forgotten. One of my daughters said that she is in heaven having a milkshake.
I am grateful for small things. Can't say that I have a plan for where life will take me. For the moment, I walk and eat healthy. I miss her. I was lucky to have had her for 95 years. Big life lesson!
He and my aunt were married close to 70 years. They had a very strong bond. She was having some memory issues but
always knew who everyone was. Now she has full blown dementia and it is felt that became so much worse as the fact that he died alone was agonizing.
This was a very vital women. She was a wonderful cook. Always cleaning up after serving visitors food which she always did when one visited.
Now she is not able to live in the condo they shared. The memories are too painful so she is living with one daughter who has a son that was badly injured in a car accident around 5 years ago and is compromised with his injuries.
When talking to her it is like talking to a machine. She has a few things to say and does so without hearing anyone else and does not want to stay on the phone which I am hearing of alot with patients with dementia. She never cooks anymore.
I believe it is generally felt with my cousins that her dementia became so much worse due to not being with her husband at the end after so many decades together.
I’m so sorry. Several years back I lost a brother to HepC. He was an addict.
I lost his son, my nephew to suicide. He was an addict.
Addicts suffer horribly, as does the entire family. It’s truly devastating.
My brother and nephew had a sweet side too. The ugly side was due to the addiction. I wish more people understood how addiction works.
I lost a very good friend. We shared so many celebrations together, birthdays, holidays, parades, festivals and just hanging out at each other’s homes.
Rest In Peace, dear friend. You’re missed by so many. See you again one day 💗.
Thank you, Sjplegacy for bringing people together on the forum with your thoughtful question.