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NoRecess, you can do what I do -- tell my mother that I won't be able to stay if we don't compromise on the AC. It is true. If she wouldn't run the AC, I wouldn't be able to stay. I know that she would have to go to a NH even though she says she could make it without me. I think she also knows she needs me, because she relents on the AC. I do not believe in caregivers having to physically suffer. They are as important as the person they care for.
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I am coping by waiting all day for darkness and sleep. My mother refuses to run the air conditioner because she is too miserly to pay for it. And we live in the extreme heat of southern Alabama. I haven't the money to pay for it myself. I feel like I am a child again, living for the day when I will leave this unhappy home. Tomorrow will be the same. My life is empty, lonely, and extremely uncomfortable in this heat.
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Yeah, two less stresses is better than none! I am feeling slightly more relieved except when I came home to tell Mom I was not going to continue with my little lady. Then, around and round on the carousel we went until I just realized it just isn't worth continuing the conversation. I needed desperately to speak with her sister, whom is still working as a nurse in a convelecent facility and the only level headed family member I have left. Thankfully she called back and even though she could not give any concrete advice, I felt better after speaking to her. Apparently, Mom's other sister has dementia now too!!!!! I am not liking my odds now.
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Awesome Rainey!... I think you have done all anyone could possibly do in your situation... Actually, you have done well above and beyond what anyone would or could possibly have done (or do)! I think God is now giving you extra time to spend with your mother, though this rough patch... I never thought I'd be where I am now with my mother... and, choosing to not work a full time job to have more time with her.... I got a part time job... Which gets me out long enough and only 5 mins from the house in case I need to run home... We're not Super human beings... we just do out best... I'm SO proud of you!
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H2H, forgot to also tell you while I spoke to Mom's sister today, I told her "No More Greeting Cards!" No sending, no giving, it's over! She said she totally understands under the circumstances so thankfully I got that over with too. Since I do not speak to anyone else in the family, I asked she pass that info along to everyone else.
🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗 👍👍👍👍👍👍👍 No more darn cards!!!! Yippee to be free of that dreaded responsibility!
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Heart2Heart,
Well I did it. I spent my last day with the little lady I care for. I just can't handle dealing with two in the same mental status. Mom has definately gotten much worse in the last couple weeks with her memory, I kept hoping it was just a bad week but it isn't changing. I think it's fair to say her dementia is progressing. Memory as big as a minute or so, no recollection of recent events, I am really worried. So here I stand at the crossroads, wondering whether it is safe under these new circumstances that she be left alone for a few hours while I work? I just had a talk with her sister, she told me just to watch and see then, make a decision. *sighs*
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My husband has been under the care of hospice for one year and the roller coaster ride is killing me. I never know from one day to the next if this is the day and, even worse, I don't know how I feel about it. He's no longer the man I married and yet I took these vows. Every now and then he's in there but more often than not, it's changing dirty depends and sheets, and cleaning carpets. Sometimes I wonder what I've done to make God punish me so and yet I know God doesn't punish. I just miss him so much....
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It is exhausting D... Give yourself the much needed love you give to your mother... (when you can)... (((Big Hug!)))
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To answer the original question, not very well. 

But I'm feeling more hopeful, now that I found this site.

My mom lives with me (has for 4 years), has dementia, and was recently hospitalized, rehabbed, and returned to my house a different person. Her memory problems are now severe. I have to do almost everything for her. She was still fairly independent before becoming ill. I don't know how anyone does this long-term. Changing an adult every 2-3 hours all day, cooking, cleaning, doing bills, and medical bills, on and on, is so exhausting.

I had to laugh at the greeting card discussions. My mom was a hoarder and had thousands upon thousands of cards, all shapes, sizes, and types. She signed up for some sort of card club to get the collection really going. When I finally could start to clean out her house, I was giddy at throwing out tons of them (dusty, insect infested, etc.). She used to be very concerned with having and sending the right card, but now she has lost too much memory to even know what day it is.
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❤️❤️❤️❤️🎈❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
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Heart2Heart,
Thank you, your right, it's always tough for me especially when she has nobody most of the time and she isn't aware she is being a such a pain in the rear. *HUGS*
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You have to come first Rainey... no matter how much you care for her... Someone else will have to pick up the pieces... (especially, if this all affects your health and well-being). 😘
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Yes, it's tough. Her only son lives hours away and has a family and is super busy in his profession. She is living alone on a hill in a house she loves that she and her late husband purchased the lot and helped design many decades ago. I know she doesn't want to leave it even though if she were my Mom, I would give her no choice. It isn't safe. She really likes me, this I know and as I said, I am one of the few that can handle her, but she is getting worse and maybe my patience is growing thinner. I know she would never understand and would be hurt if I walked away. There's the rub. I guess I am a softie when I see helpless little folks but if she continues to get worse, I am afraid I will not have a choice. I will have to hang on to whatever threads of sanity I have to reserve for handling my own Mom's failing mind.
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Yikes Rainey... I think we all know when we've had enough... it has to be maddening for you though!
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Heart2Heart,
Not sure if I mentioned I do some caregiving part time so I can keep up my knowledge of how to handle Mom and as she gets worse. Since I live in ridiculously priced California, home caregiving facilities charge about 30 an hour! Mom cannot afford it hence why I changed careers. Certainly not for the lousy salary they pay me! Anyway, I was working today for a little lady (90) who lives by herself in this big house on a hill. She is a challenge and many caregivers end up never going back. Most of the time, I am able to let her annoyances roll off my back and not take it personally but she was so bad today, I came so close to telling her I would not be returning. I told her how she was affecting me and she apologized, only to return to her behaviour a short time later. I tried to calm myself and realized she is losing her memory, control, and is becoming more easily agitated. Part of me feels terribly sorry for her, the other part of me is saying, I don't need two people in my life suffering with the same problem. Difference is my Mom is not nasty and praises me all the time. Mom is confused and argues about everything when I try reasoning with her or telling her she should not be doing something. Immediately, I am met with "No I didn't" or "Your wrong" etc. etc. For example, Mom say's, "I need _________ from the store." I say, "We just got some a few days ago." Mom, "No we did not!" It just wears you out. Am I stupid to try and handle two elderly women with confusion and dementia? Should I look for someone else who will not stress me out further or do I hang in there with her because she can't help herself?
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Yes, we should have a convention of worn out x caregivers desperately in need of a good time and some handsome Italian waiters to bring us food and drinks? Yes please! I hope I will be able to be in condition as well to enjoy it when and if I get there. I am sure I would want to stay for at least a month!
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Ali... We'll invite you too... whenever we leave the country... Ha!
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So nice of you Rainey... I accept! 🤓 I Better start practicing some Italian... I don't kNow Rainey... I can't seem to win with my mother either... She always thinks the worst of me and always will... She says I'm cruel... hmmm.... Can I have my life back then?... I see that the only thing that helps is distance... This is what I'm doing tonight... Life can be rough and sad... I hope you can find peace and Joy in your Heart... more and more... xxxoooo
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Did someone say vacation? You mean the kind where you go and stay somewhere nice and quiet, have your meals prepared for you, swim in crystal blue waters, go shopping for hours if you want to, and don't have to take care of anyone? Sign me up!
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Heart2Heart,
Glad everything went smoothly, and even better the Doc was top notch! Senior Center???? Wish to God I could get my Mom to go but nooooooooo, she won't go anywhere unless I am with her, I have sincerely tried and we have a great Senior Center 5 minutes away from home too!!!! Nope, she couldn't possibly let a room full of other seniors see that she isn't perfect. *Sighs*
Yes, you can meet me in Italy, (if I ever make it) we can have Bellini's on the terrace! 🍾🍑
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have I am jealous also Stacy!!!... Go get 'em!!!... Get your life back to it's fullest!!!!...
Thank you Rainey... I just got back fro the Dr's office with my mother... He was top notch... right on and to the point.... He said he knew replacements were in great shape and should last her lifetime... The issue for all is to not fall and reinjure or injure something else, like a hip... Now, I'm off to drive her to a senior center (which I didn't plan on)... Hi Ho Silver!!!!...
PS. Can I meet you in Italy when you get there?!!!!
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StacyB,
I am so jealous of you now! Just the thought of a real vacation brings tears to my eyes. I wonder how many more years I will go before I can actually have my freedom and life back again. I wish you the most wonderful vacation in the world, it sounds like you really, really deserve it!!!!!! My husband's extended family have property in Italy, I keep wondering if we will ever get there.
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Heart2Heart,
I feel for you sweetie, I hate going to the doc with Mom, she has Kaiser and there are very few docs there that have ever really impressed me, more than half the time, I am telling them what is wrong with her while they are standing there scratching their heads! It's maddening. However, knee replacement surgery is a bit more complicated I imagine. I hope all goes well and Mom doesn't make your stress level skyrocket too much! Let me know how it went, hang in there!
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H2H, so many times I have been embarrassed when talking my FIL to his Dr appointments, when he goes off on a tangent about other things the Dr never even inquired about, or was even related to the question at hand.

My FIL has Lymphoma (in the wait and watch phase), and when he examines him, feeling for swollen lymph glands, neck, under arms and groin, and my FIL Always says things so inappropriate, like how he doesn't "use" his male organ, or how he doesn't have any "need", for women in his life anymore (he's 87 & widowed X 13+ years! It's so gross and embarrassing! He always brags about how "great" he is the "big man", but in reality, he can barely walk 20 paces, as he totally gave up doing any PT, as he had us there waiting on him hand and foot!

I am only just getting used to him not living our home (13 years), yet still, he does everything he can, to make some sort of excuse as to why my husband needs to visit him to take care of something at the Assisted living place, every single day, so no sooner is one errand completed for him, then he's thought up the next thing he NEEDS!

 Yesterday it was "taking home his Rx bottle, to call in for a refill, yet he forgot to hold out a dose for that evening (thyroid med), so hubby had to take it back to him, and in reality, him missing one dose wouldn't have made one bit of difference, but No, he absolutely had to have it before bedtime, Grrr!

I have been working on getting all the ppwk for his VA Aid and Attendance benifits completed (its quite extensive and finally completed), and he has nagged about it every single day, while showing ZERO appreciation for my doing it for him. He just has this self serving entitlement issue going with him, and it makes me so angry and frustrated, that I don't even like visiting him there, it's been about 5 weeks now, that he has lived there, and not in our home with us, I'm so glad he's out of here!

I'm so hoping that he is getting comfortable there, he does seem to be, and hopefully soon, now that absolutely everything has been done to facilitate his move, made his place cozy, pictures hung, and that Still, everything is done For him by the staff, as well so us, that we can get on with the process of selling our home, and moving, and going on a nice long vacation, without worry about him!

I never thought I'd see the day that he wasn't living with us, but my God, I'm so happy he's rhe really, safe and being cared for by other, taking some of the burden off of my husband especially! So, finally coping bit better!
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JessieBelle,
Once again I am howling with laughter because that is EXACTLY what I have gone through, every card had to be specialized to Son, DIL, grandson, to my sister, son and family, arrrggghhhh!!!!!!!!! If we could not find the appropriate heading, we had to go to another store until we found one that satisfied her with that personal touch. I am just giggling away (even though I sure wasn't during these card hunts) that we had the same stringent set of rules to those cards. Thought that was just my Mom again. Thanks for the morning laugh!
I get a list every other day from her on "things she needs" right after I just went shopping for her. I feel like the errand girl. She is also annoyingly passive aggressive about these things. Example: "I am going to need a few things at the drugstore soon." Me: "Mom, I just went shopping for you, why did you not mention it when we were at the store?" Mom: "Well, it's not an emergency, whenever you go out to the store again." Then I hear about the list every darn day until I finally just go get her special cookies or candies or whatever since she just can't seem to go on with life without these things. That is the maddening passive aggressive stuff I hear pretty regularly. Oh, and I can't forget to mail my Aunt's B-day card today, and get her some hair coloring and eye drops.
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Oh Joy!... Today I'm taking my mother to a Top Orthopedic Dr to have her replaced Knees reassessed... it's not easy to get into these doctors when their wait list is so long... She's so lucky that he is even taking new (Medicare) patients at all... Her response is "no biggie"... Like what I have done for her is no big deal... nor, is he to her as a 'Top' doc (he works with the Denver Nuggets... education is from Stanford and Yale)... (she had both her knees replaced 17 years ago)... As you all probably know, you have to establish a new doctor relationship (1 st initial visit) with them, to even get into the practice... I have been upset with her that I can hardly pull myself up to take her (because of her unapppreciatice attitude)... But, here I go this morning... taking her there where she'll say all kinds of 'unrelated' things to him, while I have to bite my tongue. It's all so stressful... and, I am suppose to watch my stress level for my health.... ugh!!!!!!
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It would be easier if we could get the generic boxes of cards. But since I've been here, Mom decided that each card has to have the right theme -- son, DIL, granddaugter, etc. And the generic cards in boxes aren't good enough. Each card has to be bought individually. Grr.

Reminds me of the water thing around here. Mom always used tap water, but started hating it after I came. I have to get her bottled water from the store. It's like when she was doing things, it was one standard, but after she got her slave mule she started getting more demanding. And she'll tell me she always sent special cards, not thinking about how I received her generic cards for years. I know better.
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I agree with you guys on the card sending issues. The cost increase on the cards, the spending money on stamps, hoarding cards in zip-lock bags and losing the whole bag by misplacing it. I did like the birth of the dollar store where you could get a $7.00 card for a dollar or 2 for a dollar. It does save money but not time. Anyway when I was growing up my Mother use to write Christmas 100's on 100's of Cards to ALL people Dad worked with even if he did not know who they were. There would be a company list. Well they finally got together and decided to donate the money to a charity. (Cost of cards plus stamps. ) That took care of that! Even my Mother was thankful because it would take her hours to write and put stamps on the envelopes. Worse yet it was the era when people use to lick the stamps.
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LOL!!!!!!! Ziplocks filled with cards 😂 I suppose that makes less trips to the drugstores having to pick them out for every occasion. Just finished telling Mom I will never send another card out to anyone anymore. Not that she will remember that but I will not be swayed ever again, no matter how big a boo boo lip I get from her!
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Oh JessieBelle -- your mother and those damm floors!

My mom was obsessed with greeting cards, too. 

And ziploc bags. 

So Mom kept her lifetime supply of greeting cards in ziploc bags.

Heaven help us all.
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