Hubby is driving me crazy--and he's only 64 and "healthy"!
My husband, a 10 year survivor of a liver transplant and HCV TX (thank goodness, he is now 100% cured) is starting to show possible signs of dementia. I don't really know what I am looking at. He's always been forgetful, but now it has become a real problem. He leaves in the morning and has to come back home at least once, sometimes up to three times for "basic" stuff-watch, phone, wallet. Sometimes I have to run stuff to the office that he has forgotten.
He has maybe 15% hearing in his right ear and now his left is about that bad. He doesn't listen to me, but I get that, he now also can't hear me. This drives our 5 kids just insane. They complain about this and expect ME to deal with it--this am I had told him at least 4 times that we did not have church today--he got up and went anyway--and felt a fool b/c he was there and nobody else was. I got up and saw he was dressed for church and said "I told you there wasn't church today" and just blew up at me. Said I was a nag and whiny and--well--it wasn't pretty, and tho I am standing there, barely awake, he rips into me and lists all my faults. I'm next to tears, and then he does a 180 and says, "Well let's go for a long car ride instead". Hello, he just told me I was worthless and annoying and he wants to be stuck in a car with me for 12 hours? I opted out, went back to my bedroom and just, well, I prayed.
He doesn't do this often, but when he does, he really shuts me down. I can't get him to see an ENT and be evaluated for hearing aids. He is missing all the conversations that go on and he's just really being a jerk. I put up with this behavior during the last 10 years b/c we really didn't think he was going to have much of a lifespan--TP patient with HEpC....now that he's fine and expected to live a normal lifespan, I find I have created a monster. I will admit I baby him a lot--he goes to work and I do everything else. Yesterday I asked if he would help me in the yard for 1/2 hour and he said he was going to sleep all day. And he did. He is either quiet and fine (what he calls "putting up with me" or he's raging and angry. He doesn't shout, but he is a large man and talks very loudly, so the effect is about the same...) I have heard that dementia often shows itself in anger at first...and I am terrified.
So depressed today--it's lovely outside, I am going to break my usual Sabbath routine and work in the yard and try to decompress. He won't apologize, he never does. I'm beginning to feel like a single woman stuck in a loveless marriage and the thought of 20+ more years of this--I can't deal with it.
I just got on an even keel with my difficult mother, and now hubby is acting up. Don't even suggest marriage counseling, he said he'd file for divorce first.
Thanks for just listening. I am feeling so blue and so hopeless. I have done everything I possibly could for this man since and before his liver cancer DX and maybe I did it all wrong. I feel more like a caregiver and housekeeper to a cranky old man than I do a wife. He hasn't touched me in years and won't discuss that problem either.
Wah, wah wah......call ma a wahmbulance. I am really bummed today.
Various things can cause mental decline or personality changes. I would not be so tough on yourself until you figure this out, since it could be that he does not have the ability to act right. I would try not to take it personally, though, I know this is difficult.
I know that my cousin, who was always a rather difficult person, got worse in her behavior when her dementia started. We didn't realize why she was picking fights, lying, losing her temper, and making unfair demands, but it was dementia. She was not responsible for her mean behavior. Once it was clear, I learned to not blame her and was able to understand why she was behaving so oddly.
We were dealing with a medical condition that had to be addressed. Since she could no longer reason, I stopped expecting anything else. It's not a moral thing. It's medical. I would consider that this COULD be what you are dealing with. I hope you find your answers and find peace in your life.
And do you think there's a selective element to his hearing loss? He can hear hotel clerks, rental car agents, colleagues, restaurant servers and airline attendants.....but he can't hear you. Methinks he's 85% deaf only when it suits him.
What a great thought! I have been with this guy for over 40 years--much more is at stake than my stubborn pride and what I wished I had!! Our 5 kids and 5 inlaws are fabulous people--divorce would split them into factions. We have 13 grandkids. They adore both of us. We've been to hell and back a few times with his health issues (Hepatitis C, Liver cancer, a transplant, a stroke, a horrible motorcycle wreck that almost killed him, TX for the HCV which was 84 weeks of awful--) he is now cured of the HCV which has haunted our lives for 20 years. What I am getting to know is a totally different person.
When he had his TP the drs warned me that the divorce rate among TP patients was a sold 50%. Add the chemo he did post transplant and they said it went up to 80%. I couldn't understand it then, but now I do!
I was really in a bad mood when I posted the OP, but I'm not sorry I did. the replies have helped me to see how serious a step I was willing to take-but I think he is at a point where he can get "better" or at least, I can stand him. I do love him, we are completely different people, but without me, he'd be so lost. And he knows it too. We're both VERY stubborn.
If we have another incident like the one I posted about, I will leave him. Just for a few days, but enough to make him face the facts. We're both ingrained in some pretty negative behaviors. I'm taking my fair share of responsibility for the way things are. It's not all him.
He's heading out of town for the next 3 weeks. I hope to get some clarity, have some peace and get some gardening done.
OK, we got there late, but he was VERY pleasant that evening.
I am much calmer this week. Hubby was very aware he'd "poked the bear" and was super accommodating and kind last week. We have not spoken of the event and we won't.
I have a LOT to think about. A trip to the therapist's, making the kids confront him about the hearing problems, and not dumping on me, etc. I have 40 years invested in this marriage, and I do strongly believe it.
Yep, I am a doormat, but one that is slowly growing a backbone. Yesterday I was cleaning the garage. We have a ton of attic storage above it. I cannot handle the very steep stairs AND haul boxes and stuff up there, so the garage had gotten really disorganized. (80% of the "crap" is hubby's) I told him we were going to clean the garage and said "You can help me and have a choice as to what to toss, or I can hire someone to do it." He opted to help and did make a lot of comments about how much junk we seem to have. I said "I have asked you no less than 20 times to help me haul stuff into the attic. You refuse, so it builds up. We can throw it away if it's so bad." No answer, just dug in an really helped. He has never done that before.
Baby steps!
We have not spoken of the unpleasant Sunday. We never will, he's not into "confrontation."
Seeing my therapist in a couple of weeks. I am being as calm as I can be & just doing what needs doing. When I need to talk to him, I go find him, ask him if he can talk to me for 2 minutes, he turns down the TV and I VERY distinctly tell him what I need to tell him. Then I ask if he needs to make a note of it or if it's something he'll remember (family event he needs to take off work for). I imagine he gets the message that I am making a supreme effort to make sure he HEARS me.
Told the kids if they have a problem with dad's hearing they have to talk to him about it.
I'm not making and sudden changes--a separation (when we are already separated about 20 days a month due to his travel) seems ridiculous at this point.
I don't think hubby is bi-polar, I think he is clueless. He has no idea what the past 10 years (actually, more like 11) have done to me. He also doesn't care, which is the hardest thing to take.
In fairness to him , his parents had probably one of the worst marriages on record, they did divorce after 42 years, but all he ever saw and heard was bickering, hatred and fighting. Can't bear his mother and sees her as little as possible.
Wish he'd agree to counseling. Said he'd divorce me rather than tell a stranger about his "feelings". At least he's leaving town on Wed. I have a ton of stuff I have to do for him while he's gone, but at least I can sleep in my own bed and maybe get in to my therapist while he's away. I can call screen and not talk to him if I don't want to. This will not be "settled" by the time he leaves. As far as he is concerned, yesterday's blowup didn't happen, I overreacted and it's all my fault.
(BTW, I read that same book. Wish I had that kind of nerve. But I cannot leave my grandkids for anything.)
Thanks to everyone who took a moment to reply to my post.
He did go yesterday to points unknown, and came home around 8 pm. I was in bed (we have separate bedrooms, obviously) and heard him rattling around for a while, but he didn't bother to come talk to me.
I think he blows up like this from time to time, thinks since he's said his "bit", I should just accept the criticism and then be 100% cool to hang out with him. He has NEVER understand that critical words, meant even to help, cut me to the bone. It takes me days to recover (yes, I am far too sensitive).
I do think long and hard about separating. He travels a LOT, so we ARE separated a lot already. I could go somewhere else when he is in town and let him figure out how to run a house. When he is home, he is in bed, sleeping. He literally will sleep for 3 days, getting up only to eat. I used to take him his meals in bed, but quit doing that when he was found to be HCV free. Man can't get up to sit at the table for 10 minutes to eat a meal I worked for 2 hours to make?
He IS on antidepressants. I have no idea if they work. He is also type 2 diabetic, which he sort of treats. A lot of the fatigue comes from not txing that properly.
This "put down" happens and I am in a funk for days. He is fine. He really thinks that by criticizing me he is "helping" me. I have told him literally 100's of times that it not only doesn't help, it makes it worse. Again, he doesn't listen. Truth be told, he doesn't care, that I know. My little "problems" are stupid and pointless to him. He deals with huge, multi-million dollar projects at work and coming home to a plugged drain or a wife who's had bad day--those two things are not equal to him. He'll go on a 2 week trip, never call home once, and entrusts me to do EVERYTHING here, yet when he's home he's doubting and questioning every decision and choice I make.
I do go to therapy--a new therapist who is still getting to know me. I had to cancel the last 2 appts for family emergencies---and I know I need to get in and see her.
I truly think he thinks that I am crazy. I'm emotional, yes, but the "emotions" that make me a "basket case" are also the emotions that make me take care of him when he's sick and he's been sick for a looooooong time.
As far as the end of the intimate part of our marriage---he refuses to talk about it. Period. He will not even touch me. IF he kisses me, it's on the forehead, like my brother would kiss me. This is a NON DISCUSSABLE issue, PERIOD.
This all is not new. The lack of hearing and the rages are new(ish). I am not the least afraid he'd hit me, but words are as bad as punches. He doesn't realize that his towering over me (he's 15" taller than I am) and speaking to me in a loud voice, not letting me get a word in, is scary and so hurtful.
Jinx--you are right, I am not going anywhere right now. Oddly enough, in our religion, we DON'T say "for better or worse" in our vows. It's more of a covenant with God than with each other--the better or worse is certainly implied, but not spoken as such. I am going to get my thoughts together, perhaps write him a letter to read while he's on this next long trip and if he just continues to be the way he's being, I will leave. I am happy, for the most part--it's just when he gets so critical and mean. And this is happening more and more. That's why I am thinking of dementia or some kind of brain issue. He also makes a ton of mistakes at work and when doing small chores (if he does them)....the forgetfulness has always been there, it's just probably twice as bad as it's ever been.
Sorry for this incredibly long post.
Accept responsibility for what he has forgotten, and apologize to him for "forgetting" to tell him. It will put him in a better mood. It is not fair, but it will make your life a LOT easier. NEVER say I told you so.
I bet he would get angry if you put up a sign to remind him to check that he has everything. Maybe you could arrange to be at the door and give him a kiss, and say, "I know you have so much on your mind. Did you get your watch, your phone, your wallet?" Make excuses for him. As long as you are there, try to act the loving wife. It might make your life easier.
I was advised, "Never let him feel like a failure."
I enjoyed reading your post because your situation is similar to mine, and I want to be a "wahmbulance" every day. I too am afraid that there will be 15 or 20 years of this. My husband is a jerk sometimes, but not most of the time, so I plan to stick it out.
It sounds like he needs an antidepressant as well as hearing aids. If he won't go to the doctor, that's rough. Does he have male friends or relatives he might listen to? If he stays angry and gets violent, you might HAVE to get out of there. Your husband may need you, but you should preserve your life for the benefit of yourself and your children. If he won't cooperate in getting treatment, you must take care of yourself first.
It might really help you devise some new coping techniques.
Whether you decide stay with him or not, it sounds like
you need to develop your own interests and make your own life.
By the way, my sig other is like your hubby whenever it comes to a "discussion" or trying to get him to do house work. It really irritate me to no end knowing there is a healthy adult parked in front of the TV while I am doing all the grunt work. I blame his mother, who spoiled him, and for me not setting boundaries when we first got together.
Even if he won't go to counselling maybe you should, to help you decide what you want. (hugs)