Details: Mother-in-law is 90, walker bound with mobility/balance issues, a fall risk. Broke one hip in 2004, healed fine & back to normal. Broke the other hip/thigh bone in 2008, where she fell outside her Florida acreage, dragged herself from falling point to back porch steps, could not make it up steps, laid outside in Florida sun from 4pm Saturday to approx 5 pm on Monday afternoon after we could not reach her by phone, calling sheriff office to do a well check. She was covered in fire ant bites, gangrene on her tongue, broken thigh bone from fall, kidneys shutting down, in and out of consiousness, very confused, sunburned, within a couple hours of dying said the doctor. She did not heal back as well this time, one leg shorter than the other due to the surgery, so now has balance issues, walker bound, with damages to brain (grey matter issues). Doctors in Florida declared she could still live on her 2 acre home in Florida where they had a caregiver come in once a week to take her around, (she lost her driver's license over bad decisions - example: oh, my mirror isn't right, let's just stop on the highway and fix that, NOT pulling off the road either & having a couple car accidents, once totalling her car out, all her fault). She had frozen meals brought in once a week that she could prepare. Hired help to cut the yard & handle outside maintenance. The closest relatives are 1000 miles away, both her son and daughter live in Ohio where she retired from & moved to Florida to get away from frigid Ohio weather). She has had a wonderful, independent life after retiring from GM. Her husband passed away when my husband was only 12. She has been both mom & dad to her kids since that time. I mention this to explain INDEPENDENCE is her middle name & her lifestyle for many, many years. Age has caught up to her, where she was diagnosed with the beginnings of alzheimers, but she had other brain issues from being outside affecting her, too. Her mobility worsened. Her eating patterns consisted of cookies & ice cream, and not eating the dinners provided - stockpiling them in her large freezer until it was filled. NO LIE! Her daughter tried to convince her to move to Ohio, be with family, so we can get her eating better & to improve her muscle strength & increase mobility. She had NO part of that. The story got ugly in May 2011 where her daugher tried to force her into coming to Ohio, leaving her home - a physical fight broke out, where sheriff was called. I can't believe a daughter would put a mother down on a bed, trying to strangle her, but she has had anger issues and short on patience ever since I have known her. My mother-in-law was still covered in bruises when we were able to come down to truly evaluate the situation a month later. My husband was able to convince my mother-in-law to come home with us (Florida to Ohio) for a "summer visit" he says. Yes, a trick, but there was no other way. After getting her back home with us, she had to see a doctor right away, where she was very "unclean", urinary infection, staph infection, bruises looked over, eye issues (her tear ducts needed surgery), atrophy had set in (over not walking around like she should and poor eating habits losing muscle), her mental state had her crying a lot - she was a mess. We had her evaluated by 2 Geriatric Doctors, both agreeing she can no longer live alone. We had her seen by the hearing aid doctor, getting new hearing aids - she is practically deaf. Example: tv volume, I can listen at number 12 on volume control where she is at 59, blasting us out - gives me a headache. Great, we get the hearing aids, she won't wear them. Says they make it worse and plugs up her ears. At least she will wear headphones when watching tv so my speakers don't get blown/destroyed.
Ok, so now you should understand what I am living with. Very independent woman, age 90, mobility issues with one leg shorter than the other, poor balance, practically deaf, doesn't like to wear her glasses so poor eyesight without them on, uses a walker or I can push her in wheelchair, not much strength in her musles, gets confused easily, beginnings of alzheimer's, and NOW that she has been told that she can no longer live alone & we tricked her into coming here - she is one nasty lady! In 2 weeks, she has been in our home 1 year, with me getting a break around Christmas where John's sister was willing to keep her for 4 1/2 wks, but kicked her out when mom wouldn't give her $700 to fix a car. Hmmm. More on that story. So she was back with us. Then my husband's sister has had her a couple more times, which tells you I have been the primary caretaker this year 24/7. I am a real estate agent, and moved my office from the main real estate office to my home, to make it easier to take care of her. My mother-in-law "could" microwave meals when she first came, but no more. She can't tell the difference from 90 seconds to 9 minutes. Plus cant pour herself a cup of coffee- scalded herself.
See, when I get so worn and frazzled, I start calling or texting him, saying what is going on. I have even voice recorded her outbursts at me. She has gotten so mad when I am on a real estate call, not paying attention to her, she explodes. Then gets so mad, that at times she is chasing me with her walker doing the stomp walk after me. I have locked myself in my room until she calms down, staying out of reach, but within earshot - listening to where is she now or what is going on .My husband tells me WHY am I bothering him with this. Just ignore her & quit being so upset. I don't understand why doesn't he care about me and what I go through? Why doesn't he care? Why? I keep hanging onto the thoughts of better times ahead. I don't blame him for not wanting to be around me, I don't even want to be around me at this point in my life. I look tired all the time, I can't even fit into my nice clothes anymore, my mood is lousy, I find it hard to laugh, my nose is into reading, or trying to calm my mind by playing internet games on facebook, but now THAT was taken away from me - my laptop started giving me issues, my husband said facebook creates havoc on computers and those games are known to crash systems so I am not allowed to do that anymore OR he will NOT fix my computer, so that is that. I need this computer for my real estate most of all, so now I had to find another outlet to calm my mind. Here I am, I found this website. Now I can't get my fingers to stop writing. Is it doing any good? Yes, I don't like what I see. I guess seeing it in print is giving me a new perspective on my way of life.
My husband is too busy and focused on other areas of his life, that he doesn't make time for his mom, me, his 2 daughters, his granddaughter - most of the time, anyway. It's hard to explain. He hears what he wants to hear. Sees what he wants to see. Example: when we first brought his mom back, to live with us, she could do simple tasks & make/heat things in microwave, she was slow - but when she found out that she wasn't going back to live on her own in Florida, she has been going downhill. No longer can she make oatmeal in the microwave, like she has done for years and should be able to do it in her sleep - she forgets how long to set the time, or doesn't see the time she pushes clear enough, so she can harm herself by the item being in the microwave too long. She can no longer make coffee, because she forgets paper filter, or puts in double water, or doesn't sit it in properly with coffee spilling all over onto floor where she can slip and fall. She has tried to reheat coffee by putting the whole coffee pot in microwave where it has metal on it, with sparks flying inside. That was scary. She says she does this all the time at home. No big deal. Geez. She has tried to use a knife to peel and almost cut her finger off. We have large wooden windows that we prop open with a stick, since they don't stay open on their own - and one day, she decides to climb over his guitars to get to it, not understanding that wooden window will slam down like a guilotine, could chop off her fingers! But his daughter caught her in time - that was so close!! The window could have even slammed down so hard where the glass could have broken all over her. Now, to be safe, windows stay shut with air conditioning on to eliminate that issue. My husband has no sympathy with me, wanting help and assistance. He says his mom is "one tough bird" and has managed to be ok for 90 yrs, and if something happens - it happens. I am NOT expected to stay home to take care of her. He feels I should continue on, leave her home alone and go on real estate appointments that can take hours of time away. BUT I AM expected to make sure she gets all her meals, snacks, pills, shower, clothes washed, home cleaned, etc and told me to get out of real estate where I could have fixed hours, like 9 to 5, she will be fine alone. Where I would have guaranteed wages, instead of real estate where pay days can be far and few inbetween. But wait a minute, if I had that kind of job, I would NOT have the flexibility to come home and fix lunch, make sure she is not doing things she shouldn't, what about doctor appts or days she is sick and needs bed care? Hmmm. I could go on and on. The doctor has even said she can NOT be left alone, due to being a danger to herself and others. She is also under a fall risk. She also can't make good decisions. He is in denial!!!! or maybe he just doesn't care. (Unless it affects HIM). I don't want to get in anger mode. I just want to figure this out on what is truly best for my MIL. She doesn't have that long on earth to live - and she has given so much to her children, it's time for THEM to give back to her. Why I am so prominent in the picture is the fact THEY aren't doing what THEY should be doing. So I am the only one left to carry the task.
You husband has a cold way of keeping his word. I think he see things in the extreme. It's black and white. He promised his mom he would never put her in a nursing home. However, he didn't promise he would take care of her. There is a difference and you see it.
He wined and dined you, gave you lovely gifts, but now that you need him he is unavailable. Still, he can do for himself to his heart's content. What do you love about him. What do you see in him that is admirable? Maybe you are just looking at the past and not the present. He made you feel special, but now you know more about him. Ohio, you are special, very special and you don't need someone else to make that real. Trust yourself. You can't live in the past, sweetheart. It's so much better to live in the light and to see things honestly, even if it breaks your heart. You will heal and you will be stronger. Flattery is not love.
It's better to learn this at 57 rather than 67. This really isn't about his mom, it about him. I am praying for you.
Love and so many hugs to you, Cattails.
My MIL cries to go back to Florida, to her home, but we can't trust her to do the right thing. She would fire the person who would take FT care of her, or they would quit over her verbal abuse to them plus she throws things (threw her walker at a physical therapist in our home when recovering over her broken thigh bone before). When "trusted" to live at home in Florida, she was told to wear her bracelet at all times, where she could push the button for help. Well, she didn't think she could wear it in the shower, so she took it off. This lady has 2 full bathrooms in her home down there BUT she likes to use her standup shower that is outside her home (I find it weird). She waddles outside to shower there, then goes to leave, falls outside onto her back and she can't get up. Lays there. Broken arm/elbow this time. She was found by a neighbor, checking up on her, where she was taken to hospital. We ended up having her come to Ohio for therapy and rehab. She was trusted to go BACK to Florida again, this time, ordered by doctor to wear that band, a couple months passes, she locks herself out of the house. This is a lady that has mobility/balance issues, when she falls, she breaks - forgets the band is on her arm, proceeds to break into her home by climbing onto things to crawl through a kitchen window, got stuck with behind & legs kicking outside the window, finally wiggled in, falling into sink and countertop, but managing not to break any bones. All she had to do was press that button for help. Nope, can't trust her to do the right thing being so many miles away.
My husband is in true denial his mother needs constant supervision EVEN after watching her being unable to pour a cup of coffee from coffee pot - scalding her arm, spilling all over floor because she doesn't have strength in one arm. Then she can't balance and walk well, and began sliding on the spilled coffee in floor. Yes, it was an accident. But his mom feels she can do anything. And she reaches to do it again. So what, that her arm got a little burned. It did not faze her at all.
My husband has seen that she can't put time in correctly on microwave to heat meals. He told me to unplug microwave if I can't be there to watch her. He told me to make all her meals now since she lost the ability to cook for herself, telling his mother that she can no longer cook.
Ok, so now MORE work is onto me. When she first came to live with us a year ago, she could still do some things, make breakfast, make lunch, then we all ate dinner together. But she can't do those things now. A lot of it has to do with her frustrations & alzheimer's getting worse.
My husband feels if she falls and gets hurt, it's not our problem. It's life. If she crumbles and falls, life says she goes to hospital & gets fixed. She can fall at a nursing home. She could fall going to a doctor appt. I can't be her pillow.
Oh, here's one. My husband takes her to see a skin doctor over a sore on her nose. He can't find a close parking spot, none available, so he pulls up close to sidewalk, gets his mom out of car, sits her on her walker stool (has a built in seat), leaves her there while he parks car. SHE decides not to wait on him, tries to scoot up the ramp to go on inside, the walker flips over, she falls smacking head onto concrete. We all know that head injuries aren't good. The ambulance comes and runs her to hospital, doctor office not equipped to handle this. She is released after finding out she will be fine, no bad injuries - just cleaned up the blood, no stitches needed. Looked worse than it was.
Again, my husband is in denial. His mom can NOT be left alone. She makes bad decisions.
PLUS his mom gets a GM pension monthly, SS checks, has pretty good bank accounts/savings, owns 2 homes free and clear. Just gave her low mileage car that was spotless (mint) to her daughter, and freely writes out checks to her daughters kids (example: one of her daughters children had a bad debt to pay off, she freely wrote out a check for $1900 to pay it off for him) Another time, John's sister comes over, saying hey mom, I need help paying my car insurance & I need $700 (yep, she freely gets out the check book and writes a check to her). My husband and I do NOT ask for money. SHE needs her money for the day I can no longer take care of her. I am so afraid MIL's daughter will clean her out!! It's wrong. But I can't stop MIL from writing checks or handing out cash to her. What is unfair is this same daughter is unwilling to be the 24/7 caregiver. She is a TAKER!!!
We have been married 9 years & yes, I am questioning my marriage & life with him. I have some definite fears. I am seeing a side of him that I don't think he would be there for me. Forget the marriage vows for sickness & in health, for better or worse. Nope, don't think so in my case.
Yes, he was married 16 years before me, divorced because his ex-wife moved out for another man. She said she was tired of being ignored and he was selfish.
Nope, I didn't see that side of him. He lavished me with gifts, dinners, vacations, attention - but that is all over. So no, he didn't seem selfish to me at all.
BUT now, he won't even consider my feelings. He keeps repeating I promised my mom that I would always be there for her, take care of her, not ever put her in a nursing home. His mom also had given him $30,000 for the downpayment of the home he currently owns & was purchased when married to now ex-wife, as pre-inheritance, so this is why MIL feels this is HER home, not mine. I am the outsider. Plus she gave him $11,000 to pay off a 2nd mortgage which paid off his divorce settlement.
My MIL has given big chunks to daughter all her adult life too - example: down payment on cars, $15,000 for carpet replacement, $15000 for down payment on home (but she bought motorcycle instead), $$$ for other home improvements, etc. MIL has always given her children money & gifts... again, she had a good income & was both mom & dad to her children, since her husband died early.
Thanks, I will be looking into programs for in-home care. And I will try to improve my attitude, watch what I eat to improve my mind and body. I'm a very private person, never lettting anyone know my problems so I can't believe I am allowing my fingers to type all this out for the world to see.
Thank you for taking time to read my frustrations and offer help. I feel so alone. I didn't tell you that I really don't have any friends - I was married 27 years before & left the area because my ex-husband married his 35 yr old biker babe. I wasn't sticking around to watch. It hurt too bad. Then married my now spouse, living in an area that I don't know anyone. My career keeps me so busy I don't have time to socialize, plus a husband who lost a wife due to infidelity, he doesn't want me going out with friends. It's ok. I've got my 3 married boys and grandchildren to fill that spot - except now, they can't come over with the home conditions I have. That makes me so sad, too. Like I have been cut off. Prison sentence for a crime I didn't commit or ask for.
And no, I receive NO compensation for my MIL's care, nor does my spouse offer to help pay my bills. He feels I can leave his mom alone and go do my job - so he gives NO sympathy. He is in denial. I can't leave her alone. She is a risk to herself.Even the doctors tell him that, but he doesn't believe them,
Unfortunately, staying in there isn't going to help but make things worse. You might want to consider documenting a day or two in-the-life (nanny cam?) and taking it to the County's Aging Services to request assistance. At the least, talk to them and see what can be done. Talk to them soon!
I'm 63 and retired so I do not have a personal income anymore. My husband has a retirement. When I went to our Senior Information Center (Area on Aging), I spoke to a woman who handled support to care givers. I was inquiring about a care givers support group, but by the time I left, she had arranged for me to have 30 hours a month on in-home care and it ended up costing me $1.20 per hour. The reason I qualified for this is because I am over 60 years old and caring for a parent at home. It didn't matter that my husband had an income. The fact that I didn't was what was important. I don't know if this is available in Ohio and you won't know either if you don't go in and talk to them. So please make the time to go in and see what might be available for you. I will keep my fingers and toes crossed for you.
Your MIL should be seen by a geriatric specialist who truly understands dementia. Talk to her doctor for a referral. She should be evaluated and it's possible that medications could be prescribed to make her more reasonable and cooperative. Believe me, it is possible.
Ohio, I am so sorry for your sadness. Being saddled with your MIL and with the economy in the state that it is, I can see why you are having financial difficulties. I am also truly appalled at your husband's cold and selfish behavior. Weight gain is a common problem for those who end up being primary care giver. You can always lose weight, but the lack of compassion and support your husband is willing to lend you is possibly a sign of his character. He's fine when you are thin, pretty and financially successful, but not interested in you when you gain some weight, are struggling with your career and having to deal with his wacko mom around the clock. His mom is 90 and clearly dealing with dementia, but your husband is not and has no excuse.
I'm sorry to knock him because I know you love him and want things to work, but have you wondered what he would do if you were ill and needed help. Take MIL completely out of the picture and just ask yourself, "would he be there for you?"
If your husband has lost interest in you, I don't think it is a reflection on you. I think it is a reflection on him. You are doing your best. He is doing nothing. Just guessing here, but sounds like he was married before and after that ended he decided that he would detach himself emotionally in future relationships or maybe he was always detached. Maybe he thinks everyone needs to be independent like his mom was and ask for nothing. A good marriage doesn't work that way.
I'm not going to tell you what to do with in your marriage. I've already said enough and I'm sorry if it was hurtful. Go talk to your local Area on Aging. If you can't locate them, call your local Department of Social Services and they can direct you. See what help they can give you.
I'm keeping you in my prayers. You are a good person and deserve so much more help and compassion than you are receiving. Stay in touch, Hugs, Cattails.
1. See if you can take a week off and get away from care giving. While you are away, be sure it is your husband that is providing the 24/7 care in your absence. It would be helpful if he could get the full experience you live with every day and night.
2. Talk to your local Area on Aging and talk directly to the person whose job it is to help care givers. You may find your MIL qualifies for in home help or day care at a reduced cost.
I hope you can arrange for your husband to provide the hands on care for your MIL for a week. It would be great if he could experience what is required and then you both may be able to sit down and have a real conversation about what is best for all involved.
Good Luck, Cattails
What is your question and can you elaborate about the title of your post. How do you think your husband is in denial?