Details: Mother-in-law is 90, walker bound with mobility/balance issues, a fall risk. Broke one hip in 2004, healed fine & back to normal. Broke the other hip/thigh bone in 2008, where she fell outside her Florida acreage, dragged herself from falling point to back porch steps, could not make it up steps, laid outside in Florida sun from 4pm Saturday to approx 5 pm on Monday afternoon after we could not reach her by phone, calling sheriff office to do a well check. She was covered in fire ant bites, gangrene on her tongue, broken thigh bone from fall, kidneys shutting down, in and out of consiousness, very confused, sunburned, within a couple hours of dying said the doctor. She did not heal back as well this time, one leg shorter than the other due to the surgery, so now has balance issues, walker bound, with damages to brain (grey matter issues). Doctors in Florida declared she could still live on her 2 acre home in Florida where they had a caregiver come in once a week to take her around, (she lost her driver's license over bad decisions - example: oh, my mirror isn't right, let's just stop on the highway and fix that, NOT pulling off the road either & having a couple car accidents, once totalling her car out, all her fault). She had frozen meals brought in once a week that she could prepare. Hired help to cut the yard & handle outside maintenance. The closest relatives are 1000 miles away, both her son and daughter live in Ohio where she retired from & moved to Florida to get away from frigid Ohio weather). She has had a wonderful, independent life after retiring from GM. Her husband passed away when my husband was only 12. She has been both mom & dad to her kids since that time. I mention this to explain INDEPENDENCE is her middle name & her lifestyle for many, many years. Age has caught up to her, where she was diagnosed with the beginnings of alzheimers, but she had other brain issues from being outside affecting her, too. Her mobility worsened. Her eating patterns consisted of cookies & ice cream, and not eating the dinners provided - stockpiling them in her large freezer until it was filled. NO LIE! Her daughter tried to convince her to move to Ohio, be with family, so we can get her eating better & to improve her muscle strength & increase mobility. She had NO part of that. The story got ugly in May 2011 where her daugher tried to force her into coming to Ohio, leaving her home - a physical fight broke out, where sheriff was called. I can't believe a daughter would put a mother down on a bed, trying to strangle her, but she has had anger issues and short on patience ever since I have known her. My mother-in-law was still covered in bruises when we were able to come down to truly evaluate the situation a month later. My husband was able to convince my mother-in-law to come home with us (Florida to Ohio) for a "summer visit" he says. Yes, a trick, but there was no other way. After getting her back home with us, she had to see a doctor right away, where she was very "unclean", urinary infection, staph infection, bruises looked over, eye issues (her tear ducts needed surgery), atrophy had set in (over not walking around like she should and poor eating habits losing muscle), her mental state had her crying a lot - she was a mess. We had her evaluated by 2 Geriatric Doctors, both agreeing she can no longer live alone. We had her seen by the hearing aid doctor, getting new hearing aids - she is practically deaf. Example: tv volume, I can listen at number 12 on volume control where she is at 59, blasting us out - gives me a headache. Great, we get the hearing aids, she won't wear them. Says they make it worse and plugs up her ears. At least she will wear headphones when watching tv so my speakers don't get blown/destroyed.
Ok, so now you should understand what I am living with. Very independent woman, age 90, mobility issues with one leg shorter than the other, poor balance, practically deaf, doesn't like to wear her glasses so poor eyesight without them on, uses a walker or I can push her in wheelchair, not much strength in her musles, gets confused easily, beginnings of alzheimer's, and NOW that she has been told that she can no longer live alone & we tricked her into coming here - she is one nasty lady! In 2 weeks, she has been in our home 1 year, with me getting a break around Christmas where John's sister was willing to keep her for 4 1/2 wks, but kicked her out when mom wouldn't give her $700 to fix a car. Hmmm. More on that story. So she was back with us. Then my husband's sister has had her a couple more times, which tells you I have been the primary caretaker this year 24/7. I am a real estate agent, and moved my office from the main real estate office to my home, to make it easier to take care of her. My mother-in-law "could" microwave meals when she first came, but no more. She can't tell the difference from 90 seconds to 9 minutes. Plus cant pour herself a cup of coffee- scalded herself.
You have job skills. You can support yourself. Maybe not in the style you were living on two incomes before you mil was foisted off on you, but you can support yourself. Maybe it will take some years to re-establish your credit and your income level. But you can do it.
It seems to me, dear lady, that your house is in Egypt and Denial runs through it.
Your MIL can afford to pay for the care she needs. WHY ARE YOU EXPECTED TO GIVE UP YOUR ABILITY TO EARN INCOME FOR HER SAKE? She is not a charity case. And if she were, the financial burden should be her son's, or at most yours jointly. If you can't see that this is one of the fundamental questions to be answered here, you are Cleopatra herself, Queen of Denial.
Time after time it has been made abundantly clear that mil cannot safely be left alone. WHY ARE YOU THE ONLY ONE WHO SEES THIS? Well, why should anyone else admit it, as long as you continue in the unpaid servant (aka "slave") role? Isn't it advantageous for husband to be able to deny that your income is suffering because you have to stay home? Isn't it to his advange to "deny" that your loss of income is anybody's fault but your own?
You can't leave because if you do he won't let you back? And this is a bad thing because ... ?? If you leave you will be expected to pay for your replacement in caregiving MIL?? WHAT? You are joking that you believe this, right? Please tell us that you do not seriously think there is some way your husband can make you pay for a caregiver for his mother even if you leave him. That is just too much.
His daughter has declared that she isn't taking care of Grandma. Good for her! Of course that is not her responsibility. You seem to resent her because she understands the dynamics of the household better than you do. Take a cue or two from her.
You are right, Ohiogirl, "I was dumb to let this happen." But not about the credit cards, and not about gaining weight. About letting yourself be maneuvered into a demeaning situation where you are ashamed to let your family know your real situation. YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS.
First, see a lawyer, to protect your interests in the assets owned jointely.
Then see a counselor, to help you find the courage that you surely do own.
Then walk out that door. Or insist on changes.
You may be strapped and in shock and scared. But lady you are only helpless if you decide to be. Pleading helplessness would be the biggest denial of all.
Cleopatra, hang up the crown. Wake up and smell the coffee. Use some of those very fine caring skills you have to take care of you. You deserve it.
Now look back on what I just said. You have supported yourself, put your children through college, had no debt to speak of. You paid your way all the way. You are an extremely responsible person. Given your sense of responsibility and your compassion for others, it's no surprise that you cannot abide by the way your husband views his mom's needs. You also appreciate how much his mom wants his time and affection. You are not threatened by her need, on the contrary, you want him to fill that need. How can someone like you who feels another person's pain be a loser. Not possible. Not possible.
Maybe you should write down some key phrases that made sense to you in the posts you have received. Find the ones that reinforce your sense of self. I have great respect for your goodness and caring. You are not a loser. You may be on the losing end of this situation, but you are not a loser. There's a big difference.
What I want you to feel from my post to you tonight is that you are an extremely good person. I love you. You are a true gift to your children and all who are open to receiving your love.
Cattails.
So I was not carrying "baggage" into the marriage - I was solid. He, on the other hand, had to pay an ex-wife to pay off, pay child support, and had a high house payment in my opinion, with a home that needed work, and charge cards with high limits and pretty high amounts on them. But it didn't matter- he had a good job & I knew I could make good money.
No, his credit is fine. I would never do anything to hurt his finances. I have 3 charge cards that I use to finance real estate expenses and 1 for personal use. I normally paid them off every month, until real estate & economy gave me a set back, then I started carrying monthly amounts. I never had a late payment until I started caring for his mom, when I could not handle appts. Then I started getting sick with migraines, scratching my eyes, and other health issues - so that hurt. He paid off our 2nd mortgage (my name was on that) so now I don't have that bill against me, but now I don't have that giving me good monthly ratings either. I am not on the house payment, since he bought the home in 95 and we were married in 03, but he did have the deed re-done where we own it together, joint survivorship. We also have 2 timeshares, owned jointly, paid for. Several cars - no car payments. Other assets. We have 4 joint charge cards - they are fine. It is the ones that are 100% mine that I have had for YEARS, that has been damaged. So they has destroyed my credit, but I can re-build quickly, takes a year of no late pays and get balances down to 30% of limit. By 3 years I should be back golden IF I CAN WORK. I just have never been upside down before and prided myself in good credit and stability. I was dumb to let this happen. I guess I am in shock that I am in this position - where I feel helpless and strapped and most of all scared. I dont want people and family to know my problems. I mean, they know I am taking care of my MIL, but they have no idea that I have money issues.
You are right, no matter how hard I try not to think it so, I am just a loser. Married to someone who doesn't appreciate me, where I have allowed myself to sink in so many ways. I guess my blinders are on and with all of this going on around me, it's so hard to look in the mirror - because I don't recognize the person looking back at me.
Yes, it is possible for my MIL to physically hurt me, but most of the time I am not within arms reach, especially if she is angry. She's a feeble little 90 yr old, but when her anger kicks in, she is fiesty and throws things. With her mobility issues, I can easily get out of her reach. Like I said earlier, I have 2 rooms I can run to and lock the door, OR I can leave the home by going in to garage, back sunroom or yard.
Yes, I am sure my doctor would write something - but it would not mean anything to my husband at this point. I could be wrong. Guess right now I am so disappointed in my day today. Nothing went right.
You are so correct, I can't get back the time, days, months I have wasted. But I really thought I was doing the right thing. But no matter what I do to be nice & helpful to her (MIL), she let's me know quickly that I am NOT liked by her. Then she tells my husband that I don't like her and I want don't her there. (playing games). Well, there IS some truth to that, when I have taken a day of her nastiness, no, I don't want her here. But faith and teachings tell me to be compassionate for those that can't take care of themselves.
Yes, we had my MIL evaluated by 2 different geriatric doctors who feel she has issues. BUT felt she still had "reasoning skills" at times & could still answer questions in many areas. Both agree that she can not live alone but did not say she could not "be" alone, needing constant attention like I feel she needs. My husband is "cold" when it comes to this - saying, if she falls, she falls. That's life. It's going to happen, she is gonna fall and break. We just don't know when. He tells me that he appreciates all I am doing for her, but it's "not all necessary". He won't sit and talk to her when he comes home. No time for that, he says. And this makes her sad. What would it hurt for him to come home, say Hi Mom, How was your day. How are you feeling. Just show her some attention instead of her feeling like an outsider with a son that doesn't have time for her. He stays busy, but that is how I am treated too. (But that wasn't how it used to be).
Ok, now I feel a need to explain...my words may not make a lot of sense, because I feel so down...
How I start my day:
5:30am Get up. Make my husband breakfast, make and pack him a lunch. Make sure he takes his pills. Get dogs outside (we have 2yr old dobermans, male & female litter mates). Now, he WON'T put up a fence for them, so I have to put them on a leash and take them outside to "do their business", doesn't matter if it is raining, snowing, cold or hot - I take them out.
Husband leaves around 6am for work. I do up dishes, throw a load of laundry in machine, go back to bed.
Up at 7:30 or 8, turn on computer, ck emails from clients/customers - go over my "to do" list for real estate (my career). Eat breakfast. Put clothes in dryer. Take dogs out again.
By 10am, MIL is finally getting up. While she enters bathroom, I go into bedroom checking for wet sheets, gather up clothing, look for "hidden urinary pads" (she doesn't have that problem & will hide them at times), make her coffee & prepare breakfast, lay out medicene. Take photo. (My proof I made it).
Every other day, I try around 11 to 12noon, to get her into shower, where I have to assist her getting in and out, washing her back, helping her get dry.
From 12:30 til 1:30, MIL watches Young & Restless. I get my lunch, then start preparing hers & make real estate calls.
2pm, time to serve lunch to MIL, then dishes afterwards, figure out if I need to start oven or whatever preparation needed for dinner.
3pm, MIL has 2 other programs on tv she watches which gives me 2 free hours of working in real estate again. My husband gets off work at 2:30 but does not come right home. Depends on IF I tell him I MUST leave for appointments, so Please Come Home.
During this time, I bring coffee & snack to MIL, talk to her a little.
Dinner is around 5:30 or 6pm. I put on table, get MIL to table, yell for husband to come to table - but half the time, he doesn't even eat with us, he lets it sit to "eat whenever". This hurts my feeling, but he started doing this to me even before MIL came to live with us.
After dinner, MIL likes to sit in living room, wanting to know what my husband is doing, where some nights he is cutting yard, (MIL watches out window), or he is out working on his cars (where she tries to watch, but can't see), or he is in the living room on the computer (where she will sit in recliner trying to talk to him or just sits and watches his back where he totally ignores her) But he did this even before MIL came, which hurt my feelings.
MIL wants Ice Cream or snacks aournd 8-8:30pm. I make sure all dinner & evening dishes done. (We live in $300,000 home with NO dishwasher, husband bought home this way, beautiful kitchen & cabinets, but no dishwasher, doesn't matter that I really want one & it could be installed easily, oh well).
MIL in bed by 10pm. Husband goes to bed when he feels like it. No set bedtime, and does not matter if I go to bed or not. Sound like a loving couple??? It hurts.
So this is my life. I lose most of my day to taking care of her so it's HARD to work full time in my real estate career, so my income is about a 1/4 of what I normally would earn.
Oh, did I mention I have to take those dogs out a few more times? He will take them out maybe a couple times in the evening - and they are HIS dogs. I asked for him to put at least one of them in my name, since they have AKC papers, but they are thrown to the side and are HIS dogs. Yes, I am their primary caretaker too. I love animals, and more a cat person, but he does not and will not ever allow me to have a cat. I would not have one anyway with these dogs. Not safe.
I never have stacks of dirty clothes, due to my morning routines. Never have dirty dishes around because I wash them usually right after a meal. I keep a clean house juggling house work around real estate appts and his mom.
So there, that's my life.
We used to go out on friday nights, dinner & movie, or do something. That doesn't happen very often anymore. Nights out with my husband is far and few since MIL came here. That makes me sad. We can only go out IF his daughter is ok with being here. (she lives with us, full time college student & works as pharmacy tech part time).
Looks like I have written a book even after I said I was too tired to write.
I would suggest you get away from your home for a few days. Take the dog with you. Go visit your children. It doesn't matter that you have bills to pay. A few days away is not going to make a difference. You don't need to go to a spa and get pampered. You need to connect with people that love you. Yes, probably things will get damaged while you are gone. There will be messes for sure. Let your husband come home to it. Let him deal with it.
We haven't heard from you lately. Your counseling appointment is tomorrow, if I remember correctly. I wish you luck with that. Your counselor told you, essentially, that he wanted to remain impartial. I'll put my two cents in about that. Your therapist is now put in the position of marriage counseling. He is not acting as your advocate. If he were to do so, your husband would probably walk out of the room. So he is walking a fine line in order to not alienate either party. He wants you to hear each other and work out your problems. He will be listening to everything that is said, but he may not tell you what he thinks. See how it goes and let's see if your husband is willing to go back. It's a process, Ohio, and it takes time. Sometimes it's better to have your own therapist and a separate marriage counselor. You need honest feedback regarding your own feelings and sometimes that can be compromised in joint counseling. I'm not saying joint counseling isn't helpful, but both parties have to want a good outcome.
I miss hearing from you. Please let us know how you are doing. Love and Hugs, Cattails.
You can be compassionate from a safe distance. You have to decide what to do if he doesn't respond to reason. Please make sure you are safe, you can't help your MIL if you are out of commission because this is too much.
He doesn't want to be bothered to care for his mother, yet it's okay with him if you're bothered with it. Don't you see how he's controlling you? As long as you're too busy with helping his mother, you can't make your own money with your job (and leave), helping yourself. As long as you are dependent on him, he has you under his thumb, as the maid/caregiver. He does't want you to leave...who would cheaply care for his mother? Yet, he doesn't treat you as his wife...there are various signs of that.
You deserve more respect, appreciation, attention and love from him. Sounds like he has done a good job of tearing down your self respect and confidence. Get out now...before he completely destroys you. Perhaps you could stay in a shelter or with a friend, and get back to making your own money with your job. There are probably other programs or avenues you could pursue too. This will only get worse. You know what they say...why buy the cow when the milk is free. .
Do you have an option to get your doctor to write that you need a respite from caregiving because of the medical need to relieve the extreme stress that is endangering your health? You are not "leaving" then, you are getting a medically mecessary respite. Depression tends to make you think you are not worth the effort or deserving of help or a break. Well, you are.
Now. I am NOT saying "end your marriage" because you are also pointing out that hubby has reedeming qualites and may even care about you and just be having his head in the sand about his mom's condition, which is not reversible, and about what he can expect another human being, even a devoted and dedicated wife, to put up with. You cannot make him see the light, he has to decide to do that when faced with facts. He may decide to keep abusing you and milking you for all you're worth for as long as possible...or he may open his eyes and see what a wreck you and your once happier home have become because of his decisions and refusals to see the obvious, and decide that he wants you well and he wants a future with you instead. Though you are saying, "I'm holding out for better times ahead" that may not be realistic; it could be years before MIL passes on, and your health could fail permanently or even fatally for you. And will you really be able to either fully forgive or hold the anger inside forever when its all over and you have to try to pick up the pieces, recover, restore your home, and find that you can't really get those years back or reverse all the harm that has been done? I will even pray that you can become as one again and pull through, but relaize the outcome it depends on the decisions that your husband makes and my experience is that God does not take the free will of people away and force them to make the loving decisions however desperately you may need them to. Mine did and we are still together about 15 years now after I had to get kids out of the house and stay with friends for a couple weeks. Our pastor helped, as did a change in husband's medication that he was not willing to look into until it was almost too late. I had to begin considering plans for the alternative though. But you are clearly a strong, tough person, and there are worse things than ending up broke and living with other family members until you can get on your feet again - staying in your current situation wihtout SUBSTANTIAL change and relief strikes me as one of them.
MIL is without doubt in need of full time care and supervision. Assisted living for her would make perfect sense, and it is probably going to be better for her as well as for you. If you choose to keep her at home there must be help and respite built in. I work at a children's hospital and we do not even permit a solo caregiver to be responsible for a child needing full-time medical care, even if they don't have constant 1:1 behavioral supervision needs. Geriatric evaluation for her and documentation of her incapacity might help; whether you are there or not, someone needs POA and/or guardianship. DO NOT let hubby downplay the condition of MIL, just because she recogiznes familiar people or is partially oriented; I've seen that be a factor. All dementia is not Alzheimer's, it may be vascular or other causes, and the pattern is usually to lose insight and judgement, continence, and maybe short-term memory before losing basic orientation or long-term memory. I hope this helps and you have touched a lot of us on here with the story of your family's suffering...some day soon I hope you are writing not only to seek help but to give it, because it will be very healing and helpful to share what you've been through with others in similar situations.
Time to bring in Aging Services for all your sakes.
What I really need is to get away for a day, like go to a spa, where I can gather my thoughts, be pampered a little, figure out how to see my children more without causing issues with my husband and figure out how to get my life back.
My husband never said "HE" would pay for anyone to care for his mom, he said "I" would have to figure out how to pay for it. My mind was blown at that point, me go to work to pay someone to care for his mom, no way I thought, but now - maybe it would be worth it, so I can have my life back??
Yes, I feel worthless, unattractive, looking forward to sleeping at night, where I have control of my thoughts & dreams where no one tells me what to do or how to do it. My mind often races - where I don't get good quality sleep while other times I don't want to wake up. It's my only outlet. Yep, I am pretty much a robot being controlled. Never thought of it that way. But that is the truth. Wow. That hurts.
Too tired now to write anymore. Going to sleep now. It's been a pretty quiet day except when his mom decided to make some goofy calls on the phone to her old neighbor in Florida. Then she made more goofy calls to her daughter who is on vacation right now. Then called my husband on the phone, when I was in the same room, asking him to come inside to give her an anxiety pill because she was starting to get the shakes after talking to her Florida next door neighbor, which always upsets her, making her want to return there. Then she decided to lash out at me, telling me mind my own business. What the heck? I had not done a thing to her? Then tells me "you can't sell houses because you have no personality". What? She wants to pick a fight and I am not going to play into it. But she doesn't stop. I finally distract her with food - works most of the time! Hooray.
She also is good at playing son against daughter, telling one something and the other something else to get them mad at each other. I caught on fast to that game, but I am around her more than anyone else. My husband didn't believe me, neither did my sister-in-law. But a couple weeks ago, it finally happened. His sister came over to visit. MIL told her daughter that she could have her Florida car. MIL had been telling my husband to keep her Florida car hidden in the garage because she didn't want her daughter to know it was up here. If daughter knew it was here, she would want it. MILs' daughter comes over, announces that she is taking the car. My husband in shock, because he had offered to pay his mom $7500 for it, because HIS daughter could use a car - but no, MIL gives it freely to her daughter. No strings attached, after we have kept the car hidden, in the garage, storing it all this time. More things came out. Like MIL had us change the locks on her condo here, to keep daughter (hubby's sis) out of it, because she had been taking things out of it. Yep, daughter had. BUT she claims she had mom's permission to do so. MIL is good at games, loves to stir up trouble. But with both of them together, right in front of her, both asking what is the truth here. Yep, they learned then that good ole' mom had played them both. And had been for some time. Too many years of watching soap operas.
Here's how it should be: A. Your MIL who has plenty of money refuses to hire in home help. B. Your husband who makes over $100,000.00 a year, who doesn't come home after work and spends lots of money on himself, refuses to pay for in-home help for his mom. C. You should get a job or focus on your real estate career so you can support yourself, since your husband won't help your financially. D. His mother is not your responsibility.
There is absolutely no reason that his daughter should have to be grandmother's care giver either. It's reasonable to expect her to be part of the family and do things when she is home, but she has a life too and she is a full time student with a part time job. You can't put this on her back and she is smart enough to know that you are holding down the fort. That's why she will leave if you do.
Your husband has you in the palm of his very unkind hand. He tells you if you leave you can't come back. Why would you want too. He tells you if you "quit", excuse me are you his slave or his wife, that it will cost him money to cover his mom's care; care that he says she doesn't need. Still, while you are taking care of his mom full time, he won't make your car payment. The only slacker allowed in his world is him.
Sometimes we marry people for reasons that make us feel good about ourselves. If we think our husband adores us, then we hope we are adorable and we want to hold on to that validation. It comes from a need in us to feel worthy. The truth is, only we can make ourselves truly worthy. It comes from a belief in ourselves and not from outside sources.
Sometimes, if we have had a failed marriage and are in a second marriage that is not working, we would rather live in a mistake than admit that we have made a bad choice. We think it is all about our failings and in some way that is true. Maybe we don't make the best choices. That doesn't mean that we are not good people and deserving of support and love, it just means we didn't pick the person who is going to give it to us.
I can remember times in my life when I just could not understand why someone else, my first husband, could not appreciate what I was saying. It was so obvious, but he would not acknowledge my feelings or thoughts in any way. I kept thinking that the fault was mine. I'm just not explaining it clearly. So I would try again and again.
At the time, I thought the only option was to leave. He refused counseling and he was very disrespectful and unkind to me. So I left. In retrospect, I see now that I had two choices. Live my life the way I wanted and he could follow me. He would bitch and grumble, but he might just respect me and adjust. Or I could leave. I didn't realize that I had the power to just say no, I'm not going to leave you, but I am going to do it this way. I thought I needed his permission. I didn't. You have a right to live your life the way you want to and you don't need to convince him or get his permission. Just live your life. Go to work, come home. Go to work, come home. His mom is not your problem. Leave the mess in the kitchen and on the floors. Lock your bedroom and create a space for yourself. Be supportive of what he feels he needs to do to take care of her, but taking care of her is not your job nor is it your financial responsibility.
I hope counseling works for you, but be prepared for a long road. I agree with mrsribit, don't stop going no matter what he does. This is about your life, not just your marriage.
There's an old book called, "The Dance of Anger" by Dr. Harriet Lerner. It is a classic in changing the dynamics of a marriage. You are a reader, so take time to get this book and read it. It's not about changing your husband, it's about becoming who you really are and that will change your husband. Please give it a read.
By the way, I've been married 40 years next March. I'm not going to tell you all 40 years were amazing, but I am going to say that I love having the opportunity to be who I am; warts, flaws and all and know that I am loved. Best of all, I am grateful that I can accept myself for trying my best, even when it may not live up to my perfectionist standards. I'm still good enough and so are you.
Ohio: You said you are a private person and don't usually share so much about yourself. I'm glad you are here and getting the support you deserve. Keep talking and keep posting.
I'm wishing the best for you. Cattails
I think you are very compassionate but what would your husband do if you were hospitalized tomorrow and couldn't be there for him and his mom? Would he put her in a NH or would he pay for someone to care for her? He would have to do something. He is treating you like an unpaid caregiver. From everything you've told us here you are not being loved by him you are just there to do what he doesn't want to do.
If I leave, I can't come back. He gets upset when I try to visit my son & family that is a 3 hr drive away - I can count on one hand how many times I have been to visit them. Since his mom is living with us, that number is now zero! I can't go anywhere for long, without being afraid of what the heck is she doing now? She has gone through my drawers (and now I have a lock on my bedroom door), stolen things from my back office (which now has a lock on the door), has gotten into the medicene cabinet (where I removed all drugs and now locked in my bedroom), gave my dogs things they should not have eaten (so if I am not home I lock them in my office so she can't get to them). She has my one female doberman so afraid of her, that when my MIL starts raising her voice or yelling - that dog runs and hides under my chair shaking. See? even my tough little dobie girl is afraid of her! And my dog has a right to be, she has been hit with a cane by my MIL. My 7 yr old granddaughter is afraid of her, too. And I don't have her over often since she has a low immune system and my MIL is not a clean person (does not wash hands after bathroom visits & even rinses out pads in toliet to re-use them. Gross.). The biggest change I have made is finally listening to my doctor after he told me that they are going to scope my stomach if my stomach issues don't improve over doubling the medicene dosages and I have failed my liver test over too many pain killers. Which is why I entered into counseling. My husband did switch shifts at work, from nights back to days, so that helps, last month. The counselor wants to meet with both my husband and I on Monday at 4 to go over MIL issues. That should be interesting. But the counselor is telling me that he is here to help, not judge. Wants to put us in the right direction as one together and not two people apart. Does that make sense?
His daughter that lives with us, will NOT take care of her, except will help here and there which is not often. She is a full time college student and works part time. She has told me if I leave, she will leave also - to live with her mom. No way is she taking care of this grandparent and repeatedly says, put her into a nursing facility.
I don't think full time in a nursing home is the right thing to do. She will really die at that point and the guilt I would feel would just eat me up. If my husband would just wake up and face facts, I can't continue doing what I do - 24/7 because my mental state is taking a big hit right now & my health. The migraines, nausea, soreness in my stomach has my doctor telling me to go on anti-depressants and has me on stomach pills morning & night (doubled the dosage), told me to seek counseling then asked me if I had suicidal thoughts. Geez - NO suicidal thoughts. Good grief. And I said no to the anti-depressants, too. I need my thoughts focused and not drugged. I started counseling a week ago, too soon to tell if that is working. And Monday at 4, he has asked my husband to be there too. This will be interesting. Any thoughts?
He needs compassion and it won't come if you keep doing for his mom. Talking about what you want to happen and not doing something about it isn't helping you. What are you going to do about this? If this goes on for another year, 5 years, 10 years are you going to be here expecting it to change or are you going to make things change?
I vote for you to quietly make arrangements for a good vacation at your kids house or friends' house. Don't threaten don't give an ultimatum just make the arrangements and tell him as you go out the door with a friend as support.