We had mom and dad under "care" for 2 years. Went from Senior living, to assisted to memory. Went to all their test MMSE and Mini-Cogs. Doctors. Age happens. Mom was 97 and dad was 96. They both said they did not want to see another winter. They did not. Both died within 26 days of each other last Fall 2023. Both fought everything, sometimes were worse than others. We were 9 siblings, and we created a schedule to be there at dinner time for them to see they ate what they liked and spent time with them. We cooked dinner or brought it as they could not do so. We worked with the care givers and made their work lives easier. Someone was with them every day and it was good for us also as we actually spent time with them. We saw all the changes that happened as they declined. It was easier for us all to see them go due to the quality time we had with them. Were they onery, unhappy, sad, swearing at time, crying, yelling, etc. Yep all of it. We just kept our cool and let them rant and rave. We listened, loved, and wept at times. I remember times my mom was so upset and swearing. I told her mom, please do not swear at me. I won't talk to you if you are swearing. She would stop and life continued. When I was leaving, she would say I love you and are you coming back tomorrow. I would tell her which sibling would be here and that I would see her on another day. She was happy that someone would be there. Then we moved them to memory care. My dad had a stroke, and we knew he was not going to make it much longer. Mom had been taken to see him a couple of times, but did not want to move to his "location" to be with him. She was okay staying where she was. Said she wanted to stay with the ladies in memory care. It took her a bit to adjust. She used to say if she was going to just sleep in front of the tv, she could just as well fall asleep in the common living room with the rest of the ladies. Her sense of humor coming out. I would show her pictures of family and in 10 minutes, she would ask what the pictures were of. Her memory loss was more the current times. She had the ability to talk about her past. For example, on several of the cog tests, she could never draw the clock. It was different every time. But she could tell you the time on the digital or analog clock. I sat through just about all of the tests. It was very interesting to see what she did and did not pass. She went into hospice and 24 hours had not passed, when she just went through her change. Her skin mottled and she died. The hospice nurse called me and was shocked herself when she saw what was occurring. I called all my siblings to go see her and tell mom it was okay to go be with dad. I had already told her myself. No one saw it coming. She had been sitting at the breakfast table in the common area with others and I assumed I would see her again. We had signed her up for hospice before I left. In retrospect, would we have done anything differently? No. We got to spend time with them and more so with mom as dad had died. We did not have a service for dad as we knew mom would pass soon and she did - 26 days later. We had a celebration of their life October 2023 and had a military burial May 2024. Was it always easy - NO. Sometimes it hurt like hell to see them that way. But there were good moments and time spent that I would never have had with them. We will ALL be going sometime. I hope I have someone by my side to help me along the way. Hope this helps someone out there.
I have long said on this Forum that it often seems a bit skewed. We don't hear (enough) from those who did the caregiving and the loving and the working at getting along for so many years. They do it. They expect little praise. They move on. We hear from those whose limitations preclude their doing what you all did together, and who are sad, depressed, feeling despair, hopelessness and guilt.
You should ALL be so very proud. I am so glad you posted your story to us. We could hear a bit of good news for a change; it helps so much.
I wish you all only the very best.
That is so very common with folks that have been married a long time, that when one dies the other dies shortly thereafter. I find it very sweet and quite romantic that they don't want to go on without each other. That is called true love.
Thanks for sharing your story.