My mom retired back in December. I thought great, I don't have to spend all my time taking grandma to doctors appointments anymore. I took her to 75 percent of her appointments and grocery shopping the last few years because my work schedule was always weird. Weird hours are a thing when you work at an airport.
Grandma is difficult on a good day but has become downright awful to be around. My mom always had a strained relationship with her that stemmed from childhood. She also hates my grandpa even though he's been gone for 23 years. I not really sure if she ever loved him. My mom said she would freak out if either of them weren't home at a certain time and would accuse grandpa of having affairs. I honestly think the only reason he didn't divorce her was because he wasn't about to leave my mom alone with her.
There was an extremely difficult patch back about a month and a half ago. Mom was getting her caught up on delayed tests and doctors appointments and there were 2 ER visits. The second visit was unnecessary. Mom took her for some blood work and grandma went off. She started ranting about grandpa having an affair and he was molesting me as a child. My response was "What in the actual (insert f bomb)?
No, my grandpa would never do anything like that. He was a wonderful man and I treasure my memories of him. I would have loved to get to know him as an adult but he didn't make it through transplant surgery.
My mom decided she was done after that and now grandma is back to calling me for all of her doctors appointments. I really don't want to do this again or spend all that much time with grandma.
My sister and I told my mom it was time to go move grandma to assisted living. She really needs to be there due to health and memory issues.
Oddly enough, the pandemic let me have a life again. I even took up fish keeping as my pandemic hobby and love it.
I really don't want to go back to running around with grandma again. It just stresses me out.
So grandma went to the hospital for pain from her last fall. She was admitted for pain management and evaluation for assisted living. This was about a week and a half ago. Last tuesday, my mom got a call saying grandma had a lung infection and would have to go to skilled nursing. 3 hours after that, mom got another call saying grandma was not going to make it. The nurse said she threw up and aspirated. It caused an infection and snowballed from there.
We decided as a family to see if the IV antibiotics she was receiving would help the infection. Tuesday night she took a turn for the worse. She was transferred to hospice and passed away Saturday morning. The hospice doctor basically said that in your 9th and 10th decades, it's a precarious balance. All it takes is one thing.
Sitting next to her in hospice was the hardest thing I've ever done. By the last day, my mom and I just couldn't sit there anymore. My sister was mad about that but if grandma was responsive she would have told everyone to not worry about her.
But, that doesn’t mean you’re a bad granddaughter for passing the torch. It’s okay.
I think the plan you and your mom have is perfect. Best of luck to you.
Everything was going okay with grandma until last week. I haven't really talked to her much. She called my mom at midnight last Wed saying she was having chest pain. My mom told her to go the ER. We picked her up Wed morning around 6 am. She fell 2 days before and couldn't explain to the nurse what hurt. Nothing was broken, she just has some big bruises because her INR was slightly elevated. She's sore too. So today, she calls and demands I come over because her upper body hurts. My reply was to take a tylenol, call the doctor's office, and talk to the nurse. Grandma hung up on me. She probably wanted someone to take her to the ER even though we don't need to go to the ER. I'm not putting up with it anymore.
My mom has had enough and decided its time to talk to her about assisted living. If she refuses, I said next time grandma goes to the ER, ask them to do an evaluation and have the hospital social worker place her.
The assisted living facility we initially picked out goes from independent living to memory care and nursing. Plus, it's a medicaid registered facility. Grandma's medical records have her listed as a fall hazard. I honestly think she would be placed in memory care or nursing. She needs someone keeping an eye on her most of the time.
Now we have to just get my stubborn stubborn dad to make an appointment his doctor. We have no problems going with him.
Stick with your plan of not starting being a caregiver all over again. If grandma or mom call, politely tell them that you aren’t available now or in the future. In other words, you will NEVER be available and make it clear that they will have to find alternative care.
I would only explain this once. No need to have numerous discussions. Let all calls go to voicemail if they try to discuss this situation any further. You really don’t have any other choice if they refuse to listen. It’s the only option that will bring freedom, peace and joy back into your life.
You deserve a life of your own. Best wishes to you and your family.
Mom doesn't want to deal with her, so she just thinks you'll do it for her. Your mom should understand how difficult grandma is and why you feel how you do.
Your family should be congratuatued for working things out together - with respect & good communication too. Sounds like a future direction (AL) is taking shape - now to get G'ma there as you say.
Places used to serve a nice afternoon tea (pre-Covid) which was a nice intro (ie bribe). Many older folk picture some grim Work House or Poor House from the dark ages I think... Even if the cafe is closed, a little wander around may be useful?
I am not sure how G'ma's memory issues or reasoning skills are, but things can be explained to her, matter of fact like.
"Grandma, I cannot take you to the Doctor anymore, as I have to work. Mom cannot take you as she has to take care of Dad now. It will be better for you to move somewhere you can get more help. And they have a Doctor who visits YOU. It will all be OK."
Having her accept this is best, even if she is not happy... accepti g enough to sign is what you need. Or it can become much trickier & costly to go the legal Guardianship route.
Maybe you and your sister can look at a few AL facilities for your mom and pare them down to the top 2 or 3. Then you, your sis and mom can take a final look at them before placing Grandma. While you had a place picked out pre COVID, you may want to look at it again and a couple of others because ...
I had been looking to place mom closer to me after dad died - she and dad were in AL about 25 miles away. I really didn't like where they had selected to live - but they had a lot of friends from dads college days and their early marriage; even friends from when they were young. It had been owned by the church, but shortly after they moved in, the church sold it to a crappy for-profit and the facility has gone further downhill since. Anyway one of my top picks is no longer getting good reviews - don't know how they fared through pandemic. ALSO, since a lot of people deserted their community living situation - some facilities have a lot of apts to fill and there are WILLING TO MAKE DEALS to fill back up.
As your mom has hands full with hubby, would you and your sister be able to care for grandmother from a distance or share duties with your mom once grandma is in the facility? Just be her advocate to be sure all her needs are met. With grandma in a facility the three of you can divide up what needs to be done which would be a lot less. The facility can make her appointments and take her to the dr., dentist and most other medical appts. They will send her with paperwork for the dr. to complete and send back. If grandma can't be trusted to get into her dr's office, they can also send someone with her (for an extra cost - which may be worth it, if grandma is soo difficult).
Since my dad's death and the pandemic - my primary care duties for mom was to order her groceries to be delivered and write her checks to pay her bills. Though I will start accompanying her to dr apps again after I get her moved.
Just some ideas on how to handle grandma, if its unacceptable, then disregard without another thought.
Good luck.
If your mother gets her into Assisted Living, there will be an evaluation of her to take place by the nurse prior to admittance. If the nurse determines she has a higher level of dementia, she'll need Memory Care Assisted Living. My point is, look for a AL that has Memory Care available. Sooner or later, if not now, gma will need it, I would imagine.
That said, it's not your job to provide the care and management of a demented old woman. That job falls on your mother, whether she wants to deal with it or not. Which brings me back to managed care as the best alternative for the woman, then a paid staff of caregivers gets to manage her instead of the family who's obviously burned out for good reason.
There is no 'sin' and no 'shame' involved in placing a loved one into managed care, either. Many still associate a stigma to AL, which is flat-out stupid when you think about it. I had an accountant come by the house last night; she's 80 and just took a very bad fall in her yard. Said she's 'petrified' to go into Assisted Living, doesn't want to be a burden on her family, but will move into her daughter's basement 'when the time comes.' Know what I said to her? "So you ARE choosing to be a burden to your daughter, then?" She said, "Well my daughter wants me!" Yeah, uh huh.
Assisted Living is like a nice hotel; 3 meals a day are served, activities abound, there's a library full of books, a garden to stroll, a bus to take the residents around, movies to watch, entertainment, etc. It's not The Little Shop of Horrors so many insist it is! Memory Care is not quite the same, due to the fact the residents all have dementia so they're acting out most of the time. But they're cared for 24/7 and safe, which is what's really important. Hopefully, gma will be accepted into the regular AL, at least for a while, and all will be well.
In the meanwhile, tell your mother you are sorry, but your caregiving days for gma are officially OVER now b/c you have too much on your plate to swing it. Period.
Wishing you the best of luck taking a stand and sticking to it.
It just gets me that grandchildren do so much or expected to do with grandparents.
As for grandma, we've told her that she can no longer make her own appointments. She doesn't understand what the doctor tells her, so somebody has to be there. I don't mind taking her once in a while but I'm not doing the majority of it again. Today won't be too bad. She has an appointment with the worlds slowest dentist. I'll just drop her off, run a few errands, and pick her up.
My sister and I have decided to push my mom to get her into assisted living. We actually visited and picked out a place before lockdown. Now, it just a matter of getting grandma there. I suggested to mom that if there is a waiting list, she should put grandma on it.
Is she capable of making her own arrangements? Have you and your mom talked about how to handle this? It would be nice if you were on the same page and could both stand up against her together, while finding her the help she needs. Then, walk away and live your own lives again.
Can she navigate public transportation, if there is any there? A taxi? A caregiver? She doesn't have to like it, but can she do it? It's not her choice, she can not make you help her.
So time to tell your grandmother when she calls next, that you're sorry but you just can't do it anymore, and she's going to have to call your mom.
Sounds like your mom is wanting to take the easy way out, but that is very selfish of her to expect that you will once again step up. Please stand your ground, set your boundaries, and get out and enjoy your life! Wishing you the best.