I wrote months ago about a gold digger 20 years younger then my father moving in with him after 1 month now they are engaged.

I agree with you, Tomatilla. My meaning was that things like property could be left to the surviving spouse, instead of the children. This is fine if the condition is included that upon the death of the spouse, the property should go to the children of the will writer, and not the children of the spouse. There are always ways to work things out.

Playing devil's advocate--I talked to my attorney this afternoon--what if the will writer decides for legitimate reasons that he/she wants somethings to go to step-children or other relatives of even friends? Why would that be a terrible thing in the case of true love? I agree that good plans can settle things in advance and wills and revocable trusts can be changed, re-written, or amended. Better idea--give things away while you are alive and competent. No one of us can make everyone happy--just not possible. The case of someone being pressured or put under duress--totally different. That is elder abuse and the appropriate authorities should be notified to help. In my state, the Area Agencies on Aging (go on-line or check your phone book) offer excellent advice and resources for difficult situations. And they also offer planning seminars for retirees and their families to secure a happy and healthy future. We have a new Senior Recreation Center that has classes on just about everything and it brings in speakers on legal matters, housing, healthcare, Medicare--so many helpful topics are addressed. I am on their e-mail list and I plan to attend some of the seminars to learn more about retirement planning--not so far away--and new healthcare initiatives. That kind of advice can be good for parents and children--the objective view can sometimes be elucidating for us all.

Sorry about the typos--cat ran across laptop! ;-)

If someone is isolating a family member from the rest of the family (especially someone who was always very close to their family) in my opinion that is a form of abuse.

My 61 year old dad just started dating a women from hong kong who is looking to become and american but is currently not. She's 35 years old, two years older than my dads oldest daughter, five years older than me. I suspect that all she's after is a green card. No good looking 35 yr old woman wants to be with an old man, and my dad is no prize looking man either. He's covered in hair and dandruff, has the smelliest feet ever, bad hygene, not handsome, has a filthy house full of moldy food dishes, toe nail clippings all over the livingroom, and dog hair everywhere. I'm disgusted that my own father is indulging in the perversion of dating a woman who is only a couple years older than his own daughters. There goes our inheritance and my Granny's jewelry. FUCK!

I would encourage you to speak with a trust attorney specializing in elder law. A pattern of financial discrepancies, changes in documents, distancing from loved ones and trusted friends are tip offs to exploitation for financial gain. When these things happen or appear to be happening, seeking guardianship or asking for a trustee to be appointed to protect the elder parent's interests is appropriate. Now, if there is no misconduct and the parent is thinking consistently and clearly, their assets are theirs to spend as they see fit. Sometimes elders find love again, and yes, they have sex still, and sometimes...they marry. And sometimes the younger woman might just have some assets of her own to protect from a MAN's family, too.
More and more women retiring or widowed by that age may have independent means, pensions of their own, and children with the same concerns that a older man's family may have, too. It can be hard to determine who the "golddigger" really is, if there even is one.
Maintaining a relationship of trust and respect with an elder parent and keeping the lines of communication open are the best way to protect your loved ones from a person who would seek to take advantage unfairly.

BTW...we were able to cut off an exploitive situation quickly when my husband's mother confided she did not know why she had written her boyfriend a check for $1000. Her son began to investigate, with her permission, and we uncovered the beginning of property thefts from the home, conversion of that property to support his alcoholic habits, and evidence of forged checks.
It was evident that my mother in law is now showing clear evidence of dementia and short term memory loss, and now, with agreement from the siblings, my husband is now in charge of her affairs with help from an attorney and a court determination for guardianship. Her home is safe, and this person that was taking advantage will be prosecuted. We were fortunate to find the paper trail very early before she lost her home or actually married this guy. She had planned to marry him, and I urged her to consider the fact that she might experience a reduction in her SS benefits if she did so; so glad I said that, because that put the brakes on that plan for her. She listened and began asking him about his ability to support her if they did marry. Unfortunately, she did not have a will in place and now she is no longer competent to draft a will. Her estate may become a costly and messy ordeal if a family squabble ever comes about.

Folks, PLEASE...plan for your accidental death when you are young, and keep reviewing as your life changes and children grow up. Save your family from the legal anguish and a bunch of arguments by clearly making you wishes for burial and the distribution of your personal property and assets KNOWN. Have a will drawn up. It is a gift that keeps on giving...long after you are gone.

I say this from experience. I was 20 when my father died and I was appointed his estate administrator. It took three years to sell the house...and selling was the only option because my dad had a wild hair and left all his insurance to his mom. I lost my home, and I had to sell it to pay my father's final expenses. It was a tough lesson about what happens when there is no will. If you love your family, make a plan now.

Dear Concerned 85,


I wish I could help you. My father and mother were married for 57 years, since they were teenagers. My mom died of emphysema and six weeks later my dad moved a woman into the house,before getting rid of my mother's things. She took everything out of the cupboards and put my mother's things, which had been in that house since 1960, and put them all over the furniture, floor and everywhere else. When I walked in the door of our family home, she was sitting in my mother's chair, smoking a cigarette and acting like the cat who ate the canary. We literally tripped over my mother's shoes to get her dresser out the door, and after pressuring me to get over there to get Mom's things out of there dad tried to make me wait and see if his new wife wanted anything I was taking with me! I took Mom's old dresser, an antique table that had been in my first apartment and in my room most of the years I lived at home, and a few odds and ends that Mom and I shared over the years. I have a small apartment and lots of stairs and I wasn't planning for him to threaten to throw everything out to the Salvation Army, especially since he paid for it all over the years. Of course, the evil new stepmonster kept the good silver and some other items she deemed worthy, opting to tear my mother's good wooden cupboards right off the wall to put up a dishes cabinet she found along the side of the road.

Now Dad is in poor health. After a $200,000 heart valve replacement, he is getting worse, not better. When I offered to come over and help, I was told that the new wife is "afraid" of me because I will "go through her things!" She sent me to the wrong hospital for the surgery, snapped at me at the hospital, ignored me a lot and then tried to block me from being alone with my dad at the nursing home. By the way, she's driving my Mom's prized car! Now she doesn't want me at the house I was raised in, or near my dad. He said, "I need her! I gotta have her!"

Great - this is her 4th marriage and she's lived with other guys. She even dated my uncle (Dad's younger brother), but my uncle wouldn't get rid of my mentally handicapped cousin - or let up on any of the money in his Navy pension. So she broke it off. Mom was still alive at the time, and when I visited her at the nursing home, I asked why my uncle wasn't back with his girlfriend, and her reply was, "She's (Mom called her by name) is a gold digger."

She chose my mother's room to move into - not one of the other 4 bedrooms in the house, which is up the stairs and the farthest from anything in the house. My dad had 2 bad knees when she made this move. He climbed the stairs every night for as long as he could to get to her.

She is 11 years younger than dad and needs a major surgery herself. I was actually offering to help them both, but she wants me nowhere around my dad. He married her six months after she moved in. When I tried to get him to go to dinner with me and my brothers to talk before he married her, he told me he couldn't go to dinner without her!

I'm his only daughter, the youngest in the family and a college graduate with my own business. This woman used him because she gets very little money from Social Security and was able to quit working when she marred him (she was out on Workman's Comp when she moved in.) Now she's going to get my mother's house, car, and anything dad has saved for retirement.

I've never been in any trouble, never married (Dad and Mom didn't like my choice of a partner when I was young so I moved on and never really got asked again), graduated high school early with honors, graduated college, and never ask for anything from Dad and the tramp he married.

Final note - I stopped in on Father's Day and she acted strange because she was going to the grocery store and I showed up. I didn't know she didn't want me over there, but I knew something was up. She had been smoking in the same room with him! It was just weeks after his heart surgery, and he was darned near death when they replaced the valve. He was getting well in the nursing home, but now he's not. I'm not even privy to my dad's condition now.

I don't want to start trouble, but a friend of mine gave me a phone number for an elder abuse organization. I wouldn't even know this was happening if a family friend who is an RN wouldn't have called to ask why I wasn't taking care of my dad - they called her to stay with him during the day while the wife is in the hospital, and planned to put my dad on a buzzer at night. He can't even go to the bathroom by himself he is so weak! He has fallen twice, according to the family friend, who thinks his meds are probably off. Now she won't go there because Dad's wife called up an chewed her out, too.

Also, the new wife talks about punching people, cusses and carries on like no grandma I have ever met, and snaps my dad's head off on a regular basis. He just sits there and takes it because she waits on him, and gives him sex.

Have you called the elder abuse organization?

Hi all....I wrote last year regarding my 89 yr old Dad, widowed, and how he had taken up with a woman 25 yrs his junior. He kept saying to friends, "do you think I am too old to get married?" It was extremely distressing for myself and all of my 4 sibs. My mom died in June of 2010, so it was only one year after that he suddenly was spending every night having dinner with this lady (who just retired from teaching this year!). I spend many hrs over the past winter driving by his house, checking to see if she was there, finding out where she lived, etc. My sister has a good relationship with my father's lawyer, and she was able to secure most of my Dad's investments, and the title to his house. We did what we could.
Dad is calmer now, it has been 2 yrs since Mom died (from emphysema) and my stormy relationship with him has improved. I do not spend much time with him at all, and have no interest in socializing with his lady friend. My neighbors tell me all about it when they see Dad and his friend together at the local restaurant (where they eat every single night). Dad and his friend spend almost every day together, and this summer she drove him all the way to Vancouver Island (we live in Manitoba). They visited 3 of my sibs and also visited HER mother, who is 88 and living in care in Vancouver. Dad managed the trip ok, in spite of all us worrying about that, and he really enjoyed his time on Van. Island with my brother and family. Dad paid for everything on this trip, she drove her car.
My brother inadvertently mentioned that he needed someone to house sit over the Christmas vacation, as they will be away. When Dad got home from the trip his lady friend called my brother and said her and Dad would come! My brother could hardly say no (our Dad has never visited my brother before this summer trip). My brother never even had the chance to ask me to house sit, I would have loved to.
Long story short, this lady has taken over my Dad's life pretty much. There has been talk of her selling her house and moving in with Dad. He does not want to end up in a nursing home, and she said she is willing to look after him. We all know that none of us kids are willing/able to take on that role. So maybe it is a blessing in the end. I still do not trust her completely but she is not going away, and Dad is happy with her, and her help. She helps him now with housework, yardwork, attends all his Dr. visits, etc. She has never called me once to talk about Dad, his health or anything else.
My one sis-in-law gave her an email addy, and N (I won't give her full name), has since emailed my sis-in-law a few times. None of my other sibs or in-laws want to give out their email info to N. 4 out of 5 of my sibs just do not trust her, but there is nothing we can do about it at all.
I told my Dad I would be very uncomfortable if someone else was sleeping in my Mom's room. Dad and N had even measured the room to see if N's bed would fit! My sister panicked when we found out about this event, and the possible move-in, and she called my Dad's lawyer. The lawyer wanted to see Dad and N to talk about a written co-habitation agreement, but in the end Dad refused legal advice. We do not know exactly what happened, Dad was upset about who called his lawyer, we somehow smoothed over the situation, and so far N has not moved in. I am sure this will eventually happen, and none of us are too happy about it. What can you do? Dad is still competent, and running most of his affairs, tho he is becoming more forgetful and mixed up. The possibility of her moving in, and his decline, and her being able to run everything really scares us. I hope that if it ever comes to a move on N's part, that Dad will listen to his lawyer, and all his kids, and have a agreement written up.
Will keep you posted on this. It has really been a trial for me, I have had to get counseling over this, but finallly just had to let him go...it was making me crazy!
Mwbela.

My family and I need help. My Dad is 88 years old. My mom is passed away 6 years ago. 6 months after my mom passed, my dad met this woman. She has been leaching on to him and having him wine and dine her since. She tells everyone around that she has no interest in him and he needs to pay for her friendship. Of course when we told my dad this he doesn't believe it. She denies anything we tell him. He has already given her over $20,000 and she still has her hand out. Recently, my Dad said that this Lona is in love with him and he wants to marry her. I know she is just using him for his money. Please give me some ideas of what to do. Thanks.

First thing to do is read through the earlier posts on this thread, and read others on a similar topic for advice. A lot of people have offered good suggestions to other posters who've faced similar problems.

Here are some posts on that topic:

https://www.agingcare.com/search.aspx?searchterm=golddiggers

As to your specific situation, does anyone in the family have any authority under a DPOA or POA? Are your father's accounts jointly held with anyone in the family?

Has he executed a Will or Trust? Does he or did he have an estate planning or elder law attorney who have prepared these documents for him?

Has he demonstrated evidence of dementia, or does his behavior seem to be poor judgment as well as possibly the need for female companionship?

Have you contacted the PD to see if they'll help with background information on this woman?

Yes I have POA, but it is not immediately effective. He also has a Trust. I work for a Lawyer that has established all of this for him. The problem is he is of sound mind at this point. Currently my sister is living with him, so he is cared for, but he still has his drivers license so he comes and goes as he pleases.

He also has told me since this woman has now showed a romantic interest in him that he wants to make some changes to his Trust, which I am afraid of what they are. I know she is not attracted him, he has had outside people from the family tell him she is using him by her own admission, but he won't believe anyone. He says he loves her. I guess we just don't know what to do.

Okay, you have at least one avenue to pursue: ask the nonfamily people to whom she's admitted her motives involved. I would ask if they'll sign affidavits attesting to what she's said; get them signed and notarized and take them to the police to ask if they're sufficient for an injunction against her.

Call his attorney and alert him/her to this situation. The attorney can question him when he comes in to make changes to his trust, although he can also just go to another attorney.

Your father is in denial; perhaps he just needs the attention of another woman. So read the threads in the link I posted, make notes and develop a plan of action. But don't try to do it all at one time, and do get the entire family involved.

I still think trying to get background information on her is well worth the effort. Who knows how many times she may have done this before? That's another issue; ask the police how you can tell if she's been married before and how many times. Maybe she's a black widow.

My siblings are going through the same..father recently widowed and this young thing 30 years young with a record, no job, and more issues, just happened to come in our dad's life and he can't see his hand in front of his face. He has distant himself from all kids barely any contact and is saying he is hurt by our reaction. What about how we feel..abandoned and traded in for a young....

My heart goes out to you DEEEPLY. My father in-law just died. His wife was about 15 or so years younger than he. His kids were always top priority always the only ones in his WILL. He had 2life insurance policies, retired from working 38yrs from boeing and she'd been married 5 other times. He got told 1 1/2 ago his cancer came back, he was put on hospice and 4days into hospice 2days pushing gobs of morphine and he is now gone. They never shared a bed, she had made several remarks through the years about how everything is hers when he is dead and before he died he said they "his wife/her daughter" were finally getting what they wanted. He was worth more dead than alive. When he passed alot was not making sense, we went to the police and they were onboard then suddenly it was.."Well, he was on hospice it was a planned death". Or, "he was going to die anyway". The whole things been about money for her and her daughter. Its a d*mn painful shame. They basically Euthanized my father in law. I wish I had a magic wand for you but greedy people prey on vulnerable men who don't wanna be alone sadly.

I feel your pain. We just came off of a situation that was similar. Our Dad was in his early seventies and had remained single after our Mother's Death for three years and had been doing just fine, but he had a car wreck and it gave him dizziness and unclear thoughts after that. So SHE, the younger than "we" the children, she was in her fifties, came along, seduced him, confused him, MARRIED INTO OUR FAMILY, disrespected our deceased mother's memory, kept the adult children from being able to see him, kept strife going in our family for 13 years. This weekend it ENDED thank God with the death of our father, but NOTHING would do HER but to post a horrible photo of our father in the papers and on the funeral home website, just to be vicious. I have had to ask the Lord to forgive me, I almost ended up in jail sending her ugly voice mails, and I do hope she ROTS in h*ll. It's obvious also that she abused our father. My advice to you "now" is to let her know that you are watching her every move and if you have to, get legal, declare HER unfit and protect your parent. Know this also. This too shall pass. Pray for the protection of your parent. Get to the papers and go online and place what you want as a tribute for your loved one when the time comes. I was lucky enough to have gotten to the paper first and she couldn't do anything about it. Will pray for your pain. Divorced, golddigging, stepmothers are from pure H*LL and they will eventually go back there, but not soon enough for us.