Are you sure you want to exit? Your progress will be lost.
Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
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@venting. Easier said than done when you are dealing with Groundhog Day , same thing everyday with a dementia patient who doesn’t understand , or simply a very demanding , self centered old person . It can be difficult to not be miserable caring for these people . Most of the people who come to ask questions on this forum , come because they are miserable .
@Way2tired Very true. There are so many things out of our control. I'm talking more about other things. Let's say you're miserable about gaining weight. Try to motivate yourself. Do little things in the right direction. Remember also, that I'm talking to myself. If I could go back in time, what would I warn myself about caregiving?...
@vent. So true , sorry . I was scrolling in newsfeed and for some reason I thought this was on Barbs thread of If you become a caregiver . So yeah slightly different context since you were talking to yourself than where my mind was . My apologies .
Another care giver shared a mantra he uses: Patience. Tolerance. Forgiveness. This applies not only to the person you're caring for but also to yourself.
I saw this funny advice. So I'm giving myself the same advice, if I could go back in time: "Please don't do anything stupid for current me to remember while I'm trying to sleep."
Keep calm and patient. Remember this is the person you love. After seven years of dementia, my husband recently passed away. I very much regret the times I was angry with him.
Note to myself: when you feel overwhelmed by the quantity of problems, or gravity, if time permits take a break. Then start again. It's OK to take breaks. Just don't procrastinate, it doesn't help. (Currently, my problems are a consequence of having used a lot of time caregiving. It's set back my life in various ways.) You're an excellent problem-solver. You got this.
❤️ i might be overdoing this "be kind to yourself"... now, every time i complete even the smallest task for my LOs, i immediately give myself a BIG reward. example: right now, i ordered a HUGE chai latte from a cafe.
so, if i could go back in time, i would tell myself, "be average kind to yourself".
Take care of yourself physically and mentally, this will only help you care for them. Be patient and learn when to ignore their actions that offend you. Deep down inside is the person you love, so don't forget that. Do and try your best, but always take breaks, you need this to be your best in these tough times. Tough times make you a stronger and better version of yourself so take the time to learn from this experience.
Such simple, good advice. Why is it so hard??? (Rhetorical question. I know why. It’s because bad food is tasty and comforting. Lettuce and tomatoes aren’t comforting…).
Love is not enough and you will lose friends, family support and your health. My Mom's hospital doctor told me "You are not her daughter, you are her caregiver" Be the daughter. I wish I had listtened.
Don't fall for the "I had no other choice". Believe me there is always a choice. Choose what is best for you in the long run, not what will fix things at this moment (or what makes the person in need happiest at this moment).
I am so grateful to the people that told me that they understood that I loved my mom but that the burden was too heavy for me to continue carrying.
Many people tried telling me that I was overextending my capabilities. My defense was always that, ‘I dearly loved my mother.’
BarbBrooklyn’s honesty helped to snap me out of my delusional bubble of thinking that I must do everything myself. She taught me that was not the best definition of love and to care for myself equally.
Note to self: Try to find a way to exit. The price you pay for helping will be too high: it’ll mess up your whole life, future. Hire others, delegate, hire, delegate.
When you originally posted this thread (April 2022), you said, and I quote you Ventingisback, “Whatever you do, don’t lose sight of your own life and health.”
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Easier said than done when you are dealing with Groundhog Day , same thing everyday with a dementia patient who doesn’t understand , or simply a very demanding , self centered old person . It can be difficult to not be miserable caring for these people . Most of the people who come to ask questions on this forum , come because they are miserable .
Very true. There are so many things out of our control. I'm talking more about other things. Let's say you're miserable about gaining weight. Try to motivate yourself. Do little things in the right direction. Remember also, that I'm talking to myself. If I could go back in time, what would I warn myself about caregiving?...
So true , sorry . I was scrolling in newsfeed and for some reason I thought this was on Barbs thread of If you become a caregiver . So yeah slightly different context since you were talking to yourself than where my mind was . My apologies .
I think your mantra is better Pamela. :)
"Please don't do anything stupid for current me to remember while I'm trying to sleep."
Yes, but first you'll have to go through 9,999,999 clouds.
i might be overdoing this "be kind to yourself"...
now, every time i complete even the smallest task for my LOs, i immediately give myself a BIG reward. example: right now, i ordered a HUGE chai latte from a cafe.
so, if i could go back in time, i would tell myself,
"be average kind to yourself".
"Tough times make you a stronger"
🙂 i'd like to point out a few quotes:
"What doesn't kill you usually succeeds on the second time."
"What doesn't kill you can cripple you until you die."
"As an actual amputee, right leg, below knee, I can confirm that I am not as strong or mobile as I was with two normal legs."
Step 1 Recognize your life is a mess, from un-messing other people’s lives
Step 2 Vent about it
Step 3 Vent some more
Step 4 Un-mess your life
Such simple, good advice. Why is it so hard??? (Rhetorical question. I know why. It’s because bad food is tasty and comforting. Lettuce and tomatoes aren’t comforting…).
Stressed? Unhappy? I turn to food.
“Love is not enough,” is such a wise response!
I am so grateful to the people that told me that they understood that I loved my mom but that the burden was too heavy for me to continue carrying.
Many people tried telling me that I was overextending my capabilities. My defense was always that, ‘I dearly loved my mother.’
BarbBrooklyn’s honesty helped to snap me out of my delusional bubble of thinking that I must do everything myself. She taught me that was not the best definition of love and to care for myself equally.
Be flexible.
Try to find a way to exit. The price you pay for helping will be too high: it’ll mess up your whole life, future. Hire others, delegate, hire, delegate.
I guarantee you’ll recognize your abusive mom, dad…or even abusive “friend”.
They all do the same things…
https://liveboldandbloom.com/02/relationships/signs-of-emotional-abuse
Whether it’s your awful, elderly mom doing this to you (99% are moms, rather than dads)…or an abusive “friend”…
Understand this:
WHY?
Emotional abusers have a need to control and dominate the other person.
CONSEQUENCE:
The stress of emotional abuse will eventually catch up with you in the form of illness, emotional trauma, depression, or anxiety.
You simply can’t allow it to continue, even if it means ending the relationship.
Anyway, since I’m on this thread:
Note to self:
Have an exit plan, if you ever want to completely stop caregiving.
Follow what you preach.
When you originally posted this thread (April 2022), you said, and I quote you Ventingisback,
“Whatever you do, don’t lose sight of your own life and health.”
So, did you do it?