Always is when I go away for the weekend with my family...
You can guarantee when I come back he's "been ill". EVERY TIME. So I phoned him - first sentence "I've been ill". Like its my fault because I went away!
STILL not taking all his medication that the GP gave him so I offer ZERO sympathy. Basically, wants me to tell him how he can feel better - "Take the meds the GP has given you Dad, if that fails then go an see you're GP but I'm not a doctor."
His words - "I desperately need you to visit the weekend." "I've got no food in the house" (Brother lives literally 5 mins drive from him - I live 35-40 mins. Brother is probably laying low). Anyway, he knows my car is in the garage so I'm struggling for transport and he knows my wife works weekends so may need our other car. So I tell him I can't promise. Anyone would have thought I'd told him I'd murdered the family next door.
Apparently, I'm "letting him down" and "need to arrange something", and "wife needs to understand". Of course the standby offer of home delivery groceries is not good enough - he doesn't want to spend the £30 minimum - they have to be hand delivered by me!
I've tried setting boundaries, I've said no can do, I've tried ignoring, I've tried just not doing. Give him his due he's relentless in his quest to get me to do what he wants!
Six-word response to brother: "I am ill. Leave me alone." Then turn your phone off, for heaven's sake.
I agree with you its not "normal" behaviour though but what can I do? Like I said, brothers attitude is "hes old he worries about things so we've got to keep him happy".
When I spoke to him though, he was not "worried" one little bit. In fact, he seemed to be more concerned with the fact that I had the nerve to not answer my phone than the fact I was ill.
Same thing. He expects a phone call when he wants one. No matter the 8 hour flight, 5 hour time difference or the fact that I'm actually on holidays with my kids. Of course, I ring him but last year he went a bit OTT. Fully expect the same.
He wasn't worried. Think that's true? Think it more likely that he was indignant at your not jumping to answer his call? Even though he knew why you weren't picking up?
Okay, accept that he was outraged at your non-compliance, rather than stressed out because he couldn't grasp what was happening. Think that's appropriate?
Whichever way you slice it, your father is not making sense.
What you can do is research, identify and secure a place at a good residential care home for him. That's what you can do.
Don’t even say that ‘you can’t’. Tell him, ‘I won’t’ be at your house. There is a difference. Can’t opens the door to asking why. Won’t doesn’t open any doors. Then hang up! That’s if you choose to answer the phone.
I think a one word answer like, ‘No’ might freak him out! I can him him saying, “No what?” This way saying just a few more clear, distinct words, ‘I won’t be there anymore for rides.’ It is super clear! Not vague at all. If he says, ‘Yes, you will!’ You do not have to respond. You already said it. No need to repeat. Let your brother deal with it. You’ve done enough.
Your brother and father are trying to manipulate you. As soon as you took the bait, they kept feeding it to you. We all have all fallen into a trap like that before. Once trapped it’s harder to become free. May take awhile before they stop asking you to do this or do that, but they will.
I allowed an older lady that I felt sorry for to do this to me. I gave her rides everywhere. Not anymore and I feel so free. She has money for cabs.
I stopped and now she is asking someone else who is the last person in our circle of friends to do so. The other woman is really good at only taking her once a month to run errands. Her daughter can take her the rest of the time or she can take a cab.
All I know is when she started getting terribly rude with me I cut her off completely. I do not feel guilty at all. I feel liberated. She no longer expects rides from me. She makes other arrangements.
I am not angry with her. I’m sorry I allowed her to do it in the first place. But I corrected the situation. You can too. In fact, do what I did and say, ‘no more rides anymore’. He is not destitute. He has money and has been hoarding it. Let him spend for a taxi or delivery. Best of luck.
Remember, say to him. I won’t be there and hang up. No excuses, no explanations. Nothing but, I won’t be there Saturday. If you want to throw in to make other arrangements but I wouldn’t because he will only tell you that he can’t do that. Text your brother and do the same thing with him.
BUT as demonstrated last weekend hes not going to be willing to go for this. He proved this weekend he will up the ante to get what he wants.
My brother is a complete idiot. He is so full of it. I know full well that when it suits him he lays low yet he seems to have taken on the role of Dads "protector" to ensure I fall into line. So he thinks....
Stop falling into line and he will get the message loud and clear.
I'm getting a bit sick of hearing how hard all this is for you.
"I need x y z." "Yes, you would have all those if you were in care."
"Dad needs x y z." "Yes, he should be in care."
Yes/no answer. Do you agree that your father should be in care?
No "buts" - yes, but he doesn't want to, he'll never agree, there's nothing available, he won't blah blah blah.
Do you yourself think that your father would have a better life if he were in residential care?
In answer to your question, YES without a doubt.
However, my opinion doesn't matter. Dad is of sound mind and able to make his own decisions - I can't make those for him.
You say YES without a doubt. So what are you doing to make it happen? How many care homes have you contacted? How many have you visited? What admissions teams have you spoken to for advice?
You do not need your father's permission to take any of these steps. You will need support and help to win him round. So GET SOME.
You say your father is of sound mind - I'd challenge that, but pass for the time being - and able to make his own decisions. That you can't do that for him.
But that does not mean that you are forced to agree with his opinion or with his decisions. You are entitled to have your own opinion about what is in his best interests. Form it, and stick to it, and act accordingly. Do not support what you believe to be poor, wrong decisions that are detrimental to his welfare.
He knew exactly how many times he'd phoned me. He knew the exact times, the times he'd rung my mobile, times he rung my landline. He even said he'd contacted my brother to ring me and text me because I wasn't answering.
When I said well look you knew I was ill in bed, and I had said I'd ring you that day anyway, didn't you?
His answer - yes I know you were ill but I wanted to speak to you to see if you were going back to the doctors and I wanted to know if you could do my shopping.
Yes he gets pre-occupied with what he wants and how he thinks people should react, which is a little strange, but he knows what hes doing.
To a certain extent I can't control what he does. He makes decisions and I can't do anything about it.
All I can do is to control what I do - as others have told me thousands of times on here. I did that last weekend - not letting Dad get his way and trying to look after myself when I was ill.
Regarding your concern that dad will up the ante next time, what would that be? Calling the police to track you down while you're on vacation? So what? Let him call. What is the worst that could happen if the police finds you? Nothing.
You can inform them that dad and brother know your whereabouts but insist on harassing you to ruin your vacation. His calling the police will be come a big nothing. He can't call them again because they will just ignore him.
Again, let his calls go to voicemail. Don't let him ruin your vacation. If it's ruined because you keep picking up his calls, then it's you who ruins your own vacation.
Just because he doesn't have a life doesn't mean you shouldn't either.
Change your number! Just kidding. Seriously, stop answering your phone. Remember when your car broke and you couldn’t help him. This time tell him your phone is acting up and you need to have it serviced. Sooner or later he will get the point. He is going to give you a heart attack! Your wife sounds lovely. You have two great kids. They need you and you deserve to enjoy your family. Take care, Paul.
If you made the mistake of answering this call, hit the close button. No one is forcing you to read or respond. Move along, nothing to see here...
Its weird how he is. He knows his "worrying" causes problems but he still does it. I sat him down last night and was blunt and told him, no offence, but I can look after myself and have been an adult for over 30 years.
At the moment, he knows hes upset me. However, I really think he justifies it all in his head that "hes old".
I had a chat the other day and laid it out for him. I will do anything within reason to help him, but I won't do things needlessly just because he gets an idea in his head. Also, hes got to realise I have other responsibilities too. Also, I told him I won't run around like an idiot just to save him a few pennies because he likes to do it.
Unfortunately, I don't think it sunk in. He still seems to think that it my duty to do whatever he wants me to do.
Wife just avoids him at the moment. Can't say I blame her. I'm not letting him rope her in. As you can imagine, because she refuses to get involved with him, she is now the Devils spawn in his eyes.
Clearly responding, trying to reason with him and/or ignoring doesn't work, as he continues, but you can only work on your OWN behavior and response to his shenanigans. Response should be blocking, ignoring and letting whatever roll off. Laugh it off if you have to - find the humor in it....
That's great Paul. I'm glad to know and a bit surprised that you had it in you to block his calls before. The one thing that I would disagree is the "I've had no choice" part.
Make that a choice, Paul, and use it often. Choose to block his calls. Don't wait until you're backed into a corner, or harassed until you reach the end of your rope before you take that choice.
When are you going on vacation? Florida?
Make sure you and your wife are "on the same page" so your father doesn't manage to get a word in edgewise (like a child trying to pit one parent against the other).
So he'd call me CONSTANTLY. I knew he was ok because about 10 different medical professionals had looked at him Yet STILL he wanted me to do something (Im not a medical professional!)
Shes great. She can't stand him (hes done treated her VERY badly in the past) but knows hes my Dad etc.
Dad hates the USA (hes been there once) because hes convinced there are drive by shooting on every street corner.
Also for some reason he hates that I take time off work for holidays (because I don't get paid). He goes on about that ALL the time like hes got a say in it! But thats Dad for you he thinks he has a right to an opinion on everyones business.
(Quite funny - brother is getting married in a few weeks. Hes already had a dig at brothers partner for spending too much on the wedding and has said three times now he doesnt see the point in them getting married. Classic!)
So this weekend he says he hasnt got her number (which explained it) and can he have it. Umm no Dad. You don't need my wifes number because I know damn well you will just abuse it and ring her when I dont answer. He was not happy.
To be honest, he is generally oblivious to the hassle he causes and the way he treats people. It goes over his head. I don't think he realises just how peed off my wife would be if he started hassling her just because he can't reach me for an hour or two.
I pointed out that I was 50 years old and could look after myself. In the event of emergency, there's not a lot he could do to help, and, of course, I do have my own family who are quite capable of informing him of anything if the situation arises. Again not happy.
I just ignored him when he was spouting off that he'd be glad when its all over. Not like hes got any involvement! Thats him all over (he says the same about Xmas!)
He literally lives 500 yards from where the wedding is taking place too.
As you can see, with Dad, its ALL about money and not spending it (despite having loads). He was the same when I was a kid.
Lets just say we have lots of disagreements about spending money. Personally, my attitude is its not good being the richest man in the graveyard.