Follow
Share

My mom passed early yesterday morning at the age of 98. She had been in steady decline (with dementia) for the past three years, but took a sudden turn for the worse two weeks ago. Despite my attempts to discourage her, my mom would remove her Depends in her sleep and get up to use the toilet at night. That morning I found her on the floor halfway under the bed. I helped her up and she seemed OK despite some bumps and bruises, but whenever she attempted to get out of bed after that she would slide to floor. I had a couple of sleepless nights trying to prevent her falling until she finally worked it through her brain that she couldn't get up by herself. I also noticed that her speech had become slurred. I made an appointment with her doctor and decided to ask for a Hospice recommendation. When he saw her the next week he immediately agreed to do that. I let the family know what was going on.
Hospice came the next day (last Thursday). The nurse said she had no underlying fatal conditions but that they would take her based on her weight loss, she was skin and bones. Friday they brought the bed and equipment and we moved her downstairs. That day, she was eating, but small amounts, and she didn't seem to be able to speak at all, though she smiled and recognized us. I didn't sleep much Friday night and got up about 5 in the morning on Saturday and went to check on mom. I changed her Depends, gave her a dose of liquid Tylenol and settled her for what I hoped would be a good morning's rest. I went in with my sister-in-law about 8:00 and she had died. She was quite cold so she probably passed on shortly after I left her.
She was ready to go, my only regret is that the final decline was so swift. Very few family members had a chance to see her before she left us. One niece got the news mid-flight from Spain. She was no longer comfortable in her body, though. I'm glad she didn't linger given the circumstances.
I want to thank everyone on this board for helping me get through the past couple of years. I didn't contribute a lot, but I read it all the time. When you are a caregiver, unable to get out into the world, just the glimpses into other people's lives in similar circumstances is a relief.
I was relatively lucky, my mom was a very kind, cooperative woman whom I dearly loved and she was small and easy to care for. Still, I would not recommend that anyone take on the burden as I did, all by yourself. I kept telling myself I should hire help, mom could have afforded it, but I put it off again and again. I am not a people person and I dreaded the idea of hiring someone, telling them what to do, coaching and supervising. I never wanted to be a manager at work and hated the idea of managing care help at home. So, I labored on.
Thanks again for being here. I am mourning my mom, but the last three years have been a continual process of mourning her losses. Now I'm dealing with all the nitty-gritty details that follow a parent's death. I expect that soon I will be able catch my breath and think about what I want to do with the rest of my life.

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Find Care & Housing
I feel for you so much. Caring and watching your loved one fade is so hard. It is very wearing on a caregiver so much. I appreciate that you stayed with her as long as you did. I sometimes wonder if I can do anymore.
(1)
Report

Top,

I agree that they know when the end is near.

It does make it somewhat easier when a person is prepared for their death.

Neither of my parents were afraid to die. They were tired and welcomed death.

I am glad that your mom was at peace during her final time on this planet.

There will be a sense of closure once you have the final memorial for your mom.

Wishing you peace as you continue to grieve the loss of your mother.
(1)
Report

Thank you all for your kind wishes. I think she did have a good life and a good death, all things considered. I think when we put her in that hospital bed she knew on some level that hospice was on board and she could go. We will have her memorial service towards the end of May when most of the family can be here. We look forward to celebrating a very accomplished life. My thoughts will be with the rest of you still enmeshed with the struggles of caregiving, wishing you strength and hope.
(2)
Report

Lovely end for Mom i would say.
(1)
Report

Thank you for your post. Your comments and explanations of your experience over the past 3 years are helpful to me. Peace and healing to you my friend.
(1)
Report

God Bless You and your family.
(3)
Report

I relate to your story. Sorry for your loss.
(2)
Report

My condolences. I hope you find peace, happiness and fulfillment along the rest of your life’s journey.
(3)
Report

Hugs to you. So very sorry
(2)
Report

I’m sorry for your loss. There’s no doubt your mother knew your love and care. I wish you healing and peace
(2)
Report

Janet,
I hope you are experiencing, along with your sad loss, the knowledge you were so there for your Mom and that you no longer have to stand witness to her losses and she has no longer to endure them. I am so sorry, and wish you healing. Even when we are ready for the end it is always a shock to the system, and especially when so much of your life was the caregiving.
My best to you and please stay on forum. All you have learned through caregiving is experience you can use to help others. Don't leave us!
(6)
Report

You did a wonderful job caring for your sweet mom, and I know that she's now smiling down at you saying good job dear daughter.
I hope and pray that when the dust does finally settle that you will be able to find joy again and a new life free of any caregiving.
May God bless you and keep you in the days, weeks and months ahead.
(3)
Report

Topsail, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Thank you for your beautiful tribute to your mom. She sounds like she was a peach of a lady. ((((Hugs)))).
(5)
Report

I’m sorry for the loss of your loss. It’s hard to lose a mom.

Wishing you peace as you grieve.
(2)
Report

Get Some rest And heal . Your mom Lived a Good Life . Pat Yourself on the back for a Job well Done . I am Sure your Mom Appreciated You .
(1)
Report

My condolences on the loss of your dear mother. I wish you peace.
(1)
Report

My Condolences for your loss.
Give yourself the grace to grieve.
Take your time in re-adjusting to life. Yes, all the immediate legal stuff needs taking care of, but other than that, you don't need to make any big decisions for a while.
(1)
Report

Thank you so much for taking the time to share.
(1)
Report

My deepest condolences on the loss of your dear mom. I'm glad the forum has been helpful for you, as it has been for me during the 10+ year journey of caring for My parents.

God bless you and help you reach acceptance with this loss.
(2)
Report

I'm so sorry for this loss but happy for you that you were there caring for her right before she passed, and peacefully in her own bed. I'm so pleased she was a sweet Mom till the end. May you be comforted by her loving memory. Blessings to you as you move through the grief and into the rest of your life.
(1)
Report

TopSailJanet

Her time was up it seems. She was ready to go. She was so lucky to have you.
Thank you for what you have written. You explain so well how hard it is to care for another alone and how hard it would be to add others. I’m a great fan of adding on the help but regardless THE caregiver is still alone. The difference from before is that it was two of you alone and now it is one. You will carry her in your heart always.
Take all the time you need and tune in often. It is good to know you are still there keeping us company in the ether. Best of luck with the rest of your life. You’ve done a good thing.
(4)
Report

I am so sorry for your loss.

May The Lord give you peace, strength and guidance for the new season you are in.

Your mom was blessed to have you.
(2)
Report

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter