I sit here and read posts in the discussion threads with a ball of emotion welling up in my throat and tears running down my face. I can relate to sooo much of what I read here. I am new to this site - just found it today and I am sooo very thankful!! My mother lives with us. She is 69 yrs. old. She has been with us for 6 years. I have never had much more than a phone relationship with my mom and then we got along GREAT! I always told her that she would always have a place to live. She lived in Washington at the time - 6 years ago, she called and said she was selling her house and moving to Calif. We welcomed her in although we did not expect her to take us up on it at age 63!!. She is now on Social Security - it pays her health ins., car insurance, cell phone bill etc. She does not contribute to our household at all. After she pays her bills and is out of money, we supplement her for the rest of the month. She has a LOT of health problems and I am sure that is taxing on her but lately she is getting agressive with me - verbally mostly. She looks at me like she hates me and says some pretty hurtful things. Last night I was wrapping Xmas presents and she thought I had an attitude (???) I did not (I was just in another room not paying attention to her), as I tried to explain that I did not have an attitude she went on and on about how "its always about you isnt it" ... "you are always right arent you" .... YIKES!!! where did that even come from??? After I started crying, she told me "you disgust me". I know she suffers from depression - I dont know what all else. I try to talk to my brother and he tells me "Please, just try to keep things peaceful through the holidays" - like it is all my fault. So far this year she has ruined Mothers Day, Halloween, My wedding anniversary and my husbands birthday. These holidays will never be the same as I will always remember the hateful things she has said to me (although I try very hard not to dwell on them). I "love" my mother BECAUSE she IS my mother ... I do not "love" my mother. I hope that makes sense. I am feeling very defeated today!! I dont feel comfortable in my own home and dont even want to be there. My husband works long hours and so it is usually Mom and I alone in the evenings when I get home from work. I never know what I am going to walk in to when I open the door. Happy, Cheerful Mom or hateful mean mom. I walk on eggshells trying to keep her happy. I do everything in my power to keep peace at my home. I have turned everything over to her so she feels comfortable and feels like it is her home - now she has taken over. I have one brother that lives approx 2 hours away and doesnt want to "hear about it" and another brother that lives a mile away but doesnt want to "be in the middle". Neither of them help us financially or offer us any time alone as far as inviting Mom for dinner or anything. She is ALWAYS there. I stuff a lot inside as my husband works hard and doesnt need me crying on his shoulder every night when he gets home from work. I really dont have anyone else to talk to ... as you can tell by my rambling on and on here :-) I just dont want to live like this anymore and dont EVER see it changing .... How do I cope on a day to day basis ...
Even when we understand WHY they do the hurtful things they do and say the hateful things they say - we may not be able to deal with it well. I couldn't/can't. That's why we had to set 'boundaries' - her space/our space. The only way I could deal with it was NOT to deal with it. Sometimes it has to be that way.
Remember YOU and YOUR health and welbeing are just as important as your mother's and YOU may be the only one who will help you. A favorite saying of mine is 'If it is to be - it is up to me.'
First: Put you mother ON THE LIST TODAY for Senior housing. Believe me - two years will go by whether she is on the list or not and at least you would have a light at the end of the tunnel - so do it ASAP.
If she has no assets - look into ALF (assisted living facilities) that do Medicaid. Put her on the list (s) there as well. They will help you fill out the paperwork. It is not impossible. Time will go by whether she is on their list or not and she may as well be on the list. Nothing will happen unless she is.
You mentioned that she sold her home. Did she realize any profit? Where did it go? Start combing the newspapers and internet for an efficiency apt. for her - maybe something will turn up.
You have received some excellent tips here - and if she has a regular physician - DO have her evaluated. I write a letter and give it to the doctor ahead of time - especially if she will not allow you to go to the appointment with her and be in the room with her while she see the doctor.
This forum saved my sanity. I know I am not alone. Make 2014 the year she gets her name on those lists :0)
Look up your local Area Agency on Aging if you haven't already done so. They can answer so many of your questions.
Google it or search for it on this website.
Just remember that the nasty things your mother says don't have anything to do with you. She is old and miserable, and you are the one standing right there, so she dumps all that misery on you. God bless us every one.
bipolar is horrific and it largely affects relationships. its hard to keep a stable frame of mind when another household member is up and down like a freaking yo - yo . ive made the claim in the past that my mothers moods would fluctuate so frequently that i was getting carpal tunnel in my wrists from clenching and unclenching my hands to strangle her. so yea, many of us can relate.
Thanks everyone on this site for understanding and for giving words of encouragement
Give her hugs and foot massages and tastes of her favorite foods, and play her favorite music. Remind her of good memories from long ago. When she gets to heaven it will be up to Jesus to try and make her happy! (Sorry if that sounds flippant. I do wonder if our personalities will change in heaven.) Bless you.
This is a good website for you to get lots of support and information. Why don't you start your own question, to get more responses? If I understand what you said, your mother is dying, in denial, and needs to be encouraged to fight, but you can't figure out how to do it. Is that right?
One lesson most caregivers learn is that you can't have as your goal to make your LO (loved one) happy, because some of them just cannot be made happy. You can keep them safe and well cared for, and you can give them love and attention, but you can't make them happy.
On the other hand, sometimes drugs, like antidepressants or pain medication, can make them happy. Can you sneak it into her under another name?
About expecting God to make the cancer go away, does she have a pastor who might convince her to try chemo? There's that story about the man in the flood who kept refusing help because God would rescue him, and how that worked out...
"The courage to face the trials and to bring a whole new body of possibilities into the field of interpreted experience for other people to experience – that is the hero’s deed."
~ Joseph Campbell
It sounds like you need more than venting (although that is an important start.) Something needs to change. I don't think you can handle this another 20 to 30 years, do you?
First of all, what are the huge mood swings about? What compels her to ruin holidays? Why is she biting the hand that feeds her? You need some answers to those questions, in order to come up with the best stratedgy for coping with the behavior? Is your mother bi-polar? Is she starting down the road to dementia? Is her depression getting worse? Is she having sleep problems? You need to have her get a professional evaluation, so you know what you are dealing with. If you need advice on how to get her to do that, post a new question so people with that experience can chime in.
Will it make a difference to know what is behind this hurtful behavior? I think so. I had a very difficult time dealing with my brother when I thought he was being a jerk. Then I found out that he is bipolar, looked it up, and discovered many of his behaviors are typical for that disease. It makes a big difference in how I deal with him and it is much healthier for both of us. (Mind you, I'm not inviting him to come live with us, but at least I can be supportive of him.) If I didn't know that my husband has dementia I would have divorced him years ago.
The other benefit of knowing what you are up against is that sometimes, depending what the causes are, there are treatments that can help.
The other step you can take is to get some counseling for yourself. This is not because there is anything wrong with you, but that you are in an extremely stressful situation, and you deserve some help to deal with it and with all the sad/angry/resentful/guilty feeling you have.
There are other issues that could be discussed here, such as the financial realities involved, and the relationship with your brothers. But first things first. Find out all you can about your mother's state of health. Get some counseling.
(You might want to check out a thread called something like I love my mother but I don't like her.)