I am signing up for the therapy today because of my mother. I have posted a couple other times here about my mom who expects me and my one sis to do everything for her including taking her grocery shopping weekly, all of her Dr. appointments, picking up her money orders, then put them in the mail, then stop to grab burgers bc she doesn’t feel like cooking after I have been driving her around running her errands for 8 hours. She isn’t disabled or diagnosed with anything that would prevent her from being independent and doing things on her own. Ever since my dad died when I was 19 she just told me (not asked) to run all her errands (basically take over where my dad left off). I was the one who drove my dad to his dialysis appointments when he was exhausted because my mom refused to get her license to help her sick husband. I realize for years my sis and I have been enablers. Taking my mom everywhere. I even paid her rent twice when she was almost kicked out bc she was giving her money away to some guy (I found that out later). My mom has asked me to do things like hang her pictures up, hang her shower curtain up, told my sis to print out certain calendars for her, change her lightbulbs etc. I have driven her to Best Buy to get new TV then lugged it upstairs, hooked up her cable but then she proceeded to tell me how to do it (because she can do things herself but refuses to for some odd reason). It’s like she likes to tell us what to do and control us. I have gotten in arguments with her a few times bc I wasn’t able to take her grocery shopping since I work long and weird hours and take pager calls. I have my own house to take care of, my pets (one who is very sick now with heart issues). When I couldn’t bring corn to my mom bc I had to bring my cat to a cardiologist (over two hours away), she gave me the silent treatment. My mom blamed me for my sister not getting a birthday cake! I was at my sister's house on her birthday bc my sis didn’t want to get out of her pjs, and she was talking about Dairy Queen. So, I told my sis I am running errands, why don’t I stop by give her the birthday gift, bring food and pick up some Dairy Queen so she wouldn’t have to get dressed. My sis said OK so, I did all that and we were watching movies. When my mom called her, she asked my sis if I was there. My sis told her yes and that I brought her Dairy Queen and a gift etc., and my mom said very nasty, “Well I was going to get you a Dairy Queen bday cake, but I guess that’s not happening since I was already there," and started crying. I told my mom she never asked me to take her to Dairy Queen and I knew nothing about this cake. I’m not psychic so how would I even know she wanted to get that cake! She hung up crying, blaming me as to why my sis didn’t get a cake (because of the expectation that I'm supposed to drive her everywhere like I’m her personal assistant). When I was about 21 I remember saying something about not liking Home Town Buffet (my mom’s fav restaurant), so very nasty she said,“Well I don’t like Olive Garden" (my fav restaurant). She was fine eating there before but because that is my fav restaurant, she knew she was saying that to be spiteful. She has refused to go there ever since. My nieces bday is being celebrated this Saturday at Olive Garden and my mom is complaining! My mom disowned her entire family at age 19. She had no idea her mom and all her siblings died until recently. She has ignored me now for 6 weeks. I decided to go contactless until my anger subsides. I’m going to see a therapist. I am thinking of moving out of state bc these 6 weeks have been the most peaceful time in
Would love to know how old Mom is? And you. My Mom was in her 50s when she got her driver's licence, my MIL her 40s. Mom had to because my Dad could no longer drive. Living in a small town you had to have a car to get around. Mom loved the freedom.
Luv
Virginia
Go to therapy. I think you'll have a great time in there learning how to set and stick to boundaries, how to define the relationship instead of the other way around, and how to put yourself first for once.
I was in therapy 20 years ago for something that had nothing to do with my family but with other people in my new surroundings. The therapist had me stand with my arms sticking straight down, and he told me to keep him from pushing them down. I was so beaten down by life at that moment that he pushed them straight down with virtually resistance on my part. He sat me down, we talked for a while, then before I left he had me do it again. This time he couldn't push my arms down, and I was absolutely astonished. He told me one thing that really stuck with me all these years -- "Don't let the sharks see you bleed."
I never let the sharks around see me bleed again, because they just keep going after you over and over otherwise, and it made a HUGE difference in my life and in the way I related to other people. I'll bet it'll work for you, too.
Go to therapy -- it'll be well worth it.
And DON'T let the sharks see you bleed.