My husband sustained brain damage in a bicycle accident 4 years ago. Since that time he has had multiple surgeries, been diagnosed with cancer ( responding well the treatment. He cannot drive so I've become not only his caregiver but his driver. His friends still check on him and take him out to lunch or athletic events. My friends have totally abandoned me. I feel very resentful to him and those people. My life has been taken away.
That's pretty blunt, but she was right. I had to rebuild my life after caregiving, and you can do it too. Maybe your former friends don't deserve you. Maybe you'll find others with like interests. It takes time.
Also, it may not be that you MUST take care of your husband at home until he dies or you do. There are options.
Does your husband need to have someone with him 24/7?
If not make arrangements to meet a few friends for lunch.
If he needs 24/7 supervision is there an Adult Day Program near you that he could get involved with? Is there a Senior Center with activities that he would enjoy? both of these would give you a few hours a few days a week for yourself.
And it may seem extravagant but hiring a caregiver a few hours a week if you have to does wonders.
I pray to God he's not resentful, feeling his life has been taken away from him because of what he does for me. He could file for divorce and go live alone, that's an option, but he's not interested in doing that. As I wasn't interested in doing so during his various health crises over the years, including a liver transplant when we had to move to Arizona for 2 months. I was DHs primary caregiver thru 2 major surgeries and a very long recovery for that. But my disability is permanent, his were temporary. I understand the difference and I feel sorry for his life changes due to my situation, I certainly do.
But this is what love does. It steps up when the going gets tough. It's there during good times and bad. It makes concessions when Burn out creeps in and allows the caregiver to go out with friends, to get away for a long weekend, to order dinner out, to hole up with a blanket and a book in their bedroom for an evening w/o being bothered. It hires in home help as needed. It orders groceries online for delivery to relieve a burden for the other. It shows appreciation. It makes things work. Without pointing out the sacrifice to the other, or showing hardship or resentment either, I will add. Neither of us cares for the other with a scowl, which is not to say we never argue. We do. We just don't extract our pound of flesh from the other. I think it's important to care give that way, or not to provide caregiving at all.
I'm sorry your friends backed away. Mine did too, many of them. A very good former friend didn't call or visit ONCE and she lives down the street 1000 yards. Literally. When times are hard, your friends and family either step up or they step down, showing you what they're made of. You've stepped up for your husband, but whether you continue to do so is up to you. You always have choices in life.
Wishing you the best of luck with the choices you have.
The important thing to remember here is that you matter too in this equation, which means that you must have a life outside of "caregiving."
Any friends that have "abandoned" you I hate to say were not true friends to begin with, so please don't mourn the loss of them. Instead get out there and find you some new friends, either at church, your senior center(if you're a senior) or any clubs or gatherings that share your hobby interests.
And if possible look for any local caregiver support groups that meet in person as that will be of tremendous help to you. There is something so powerful about sharing with others that know exactly what you're going through and don't judge you. I know that my local support group saved my life when I was caring for my husband as it got much harder the older he got.
And your life hasn't been "taken away" it's just perhaps a bit on hold right now. There is light at the end of the tunnel but it's now up to you now to seek out things that bring you joy and to make yourself a priority as well.
You can do it, I promise. Even if you have to hire someone to come sit with your husband while you are out and about. A lot of churches have volunteers that will come out for free as well.
You just need to take the bull by the horns now and reclaim your life. I wish you well in doing just that.
You don't ask a question so you're probably here to vent, which many people do on this forum, so welcome -- and vent away!
Although it doesn't feel like it, you do still have agency over your life. You probably have other solutions for his care -- and they won't be perfect and he may not like them -- but if you accept them as such you may get your life back.
If you can give us more details for context (like if you have the finances to hire an in-home aid, or if you've contacted social services, or if he's on Medicaid, etc) we can bring our best support to you.