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I know how you feel, both Upstream and the other people who posted. About 10 days after my mom died of Alzheimer's, my husband and I were out running some needed errands, and I was hungry and tired, so we stopped at a local restaurant for lunch. I told him there's something wrong with this: My mom died 10 days ago and we're going out for lunch. He said, "You've been mourning your mom for 5 years, " (the length of time she lived with us, when Alzheimer's was in full force). Although I never thought about it that way, he was right. My mom, who was bright and articulate, became someone who was afraid someone was coming in a second story window to steal her coffee, due to paranoia that sometimes accompanies the disease. In a way, it was easier to let her go, than if it was an unexpected, sudden event. We all just have to hang in there.
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Thanks to all of you who are going through this horrible situation, I do think it's just a bit better to be able to share our bittersweet feelings together.

It's time to begin another busy day. I am so lucky to have my husband, who helps me slog through the emotional bog.

And, thanks to all of you.
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Upstream, do not add guilt to your already heavy load. Hoping for a quick end to Dad's journey is only hoping he soon finds the peace and comfort he deserves. You deserve it too and there is no shame in that. You have done all you can to honor your Dad in caring for him. Know that you are not alone in your conflicted feelings, and try to accept them as they come. Do you have hospice care for Dad? He may well qualify, considering his recent rapid decline. Hospice is wonderful, not only with physical care, but in providing a chaplin to provide spiritual support for both of you. He can receive hospice services in the nursing home. They are very caring at guiding you through this difficult time. At least contact hospice; it is paid by Medicare. Blessings to you both.
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Hello Upstream! I am in the same season as yourself. Please remember (as I remind myself) it is a season. My dad and I are in our “long goodbye” season now. I don’t live in the same state as my dad; which causes me to travel a lot to support him in this process. Both of my parents are still living and I have 3 siblings but all of the decisions and management of he care has fallen to me. Again I live and work 4 states away from my parents and I have a family and a job. Everything about this is hard. However I am getting the help I need to navigate this season. I am an advocate for therapy.i don’t know about you but I don’t see a spring chicken when I look in the mirror. This is a long goodbye but please don’t say goodbye to yourself in the process. Get the help you need and know that this too shall pass. Please check in and know people care. I care. The best to you! Hang in there!
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You have a lot of understanding friends here. I say it is a slow death and my dad just wants to go...he tells me all the time. He’s tired of his life like this. I tell him "I know, daddy" and empathize. If I were in his place I would be ready to die too. Now that I’m a caregiver of my dad with dementia I understand the pain of others going through this. Friends who haven’t, often say thoughtless remarks and platitudes. I just shake my head at their stupidity and go on. Dementia is worse than a cancer diagnosis. My mother had a brain tumor and died within 4 months. While that was devastating and I miss her like crazy, I think living for years with dementia is much worse. I too hate seeing his decline of a once strong, capable and smart man. It chips away at me. Know that you are not alone and you can talk here anytime.
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What can I say?

I have been going through this with my husband for almost ten years and it is the same thing: I lose him a bit more every day, day after day after day after week after month after year.

Recently I stood back from the situation and realized that I cannot end my life with him. I have to live. So, while I continue to care for him, I continue to live: to work on projects, to get together with friends, to find joy.

I wish I could tell you that I was traveling but this lifestyle is very confining. I am going to visit my mom 500 miles away next week and I think it was easier for Eisenhauer to plan the Normandie invasion. I am exhausted and have not even left yet!

But, so it goes. Long and slow, first with my mom and now with both of them. Long and slow. Thank goodness we have each other here to learn from.

So, I cannot offer you much. Only understanding, and please do not forget to live your own life!
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You, upstream, are not the only one that feels that way. No one wants to live like that. I used to wish that mom would have a stroke or heart attack that would shorten everyone's suffering. That didn't happen, she had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's 12 years before she was finally released from this dreaded disease.

There are many that feel the same way. Mom even asked me to help her to die early in her disease. There is a thread about wishing they would die. Perhaps it may help you not feel so alone, because you are not.

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/a-common-caregiver-confession-i-secretly-wish-my-ill-loved-one-would-die-139321.htm
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I too feel like I lost my mom twice, first the long worrisome decline, and then she passed away. I miss her very much every day, but don't miss the rough time she had to go through at the end. It helped me to pull out photos of happier times before she declined, to see she had a long life and good times before the illness. Please remember to take care of yourself during this time. Even little things you do for yourself like a good cup of coffee, watching birds, an enjoyable book etc. help. The very little good things add up.
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Upstream, next week will mark a year since my mom has been in her nursing home, and while I'm usually not down, this past weekend was a long blue one for me. Holidays don't usually phase me, I get through them and keep busy. But it bugs me that my brother has never come to see her and my sister and niece only a few times. When I ran into my sister at the grocery, she didn't even ask about mom. It's as though she's already dead to them. I see mom daily at dinnertime and am glad I can feed her dinner. She still laughs and seems to know me most of the time and can tolerate my jabber. But on the drive home most days, I find myself asking God to please take her tonight.
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Upstream I am so sorry. It is a heartbreak many of us are experiencing. People say the worst things and it makes me remain silent about it. I also feel the same as you state about being hopeful it will end before it drags on for many painful years, feeling guilty for those feelings, and knowing your parent never wanted this. I saw my parents yesterday and can't shake my feelings of despair. I know they would hate that they've impacted me like this. You aren't alone.
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Thanks everyone! I made it through yesterday, and went to see dad this morning for about an hour. He's got pneumonia. It's been about 3 years since it was crystal clear he had dementia (before that, it was a hopeful "maybe"). He's been in a memory care facility for 1 year. I wasn't expecting him to decline this quickly. Part of me is hopeful that it will end before it drags on for many painful years. I know he would not want to live this way, he always said so. But then I feel guilty for hoping he might go quickly :(
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I'm so sorry, Upstream. Losing a parent to dementia and then losing them at the end of their life is truly losing them twice, and anyone who hasn't dealt with dementia in a parent or hasn't been a caregiver has no idea how bad it can get. They say things that they think will help, and I truly believe they mean well, but ....well, we all know how that goes over. I had a "friend" tell me the day that Mom passed away, "It sucks to be an orphan, doesn't it?" - because her parents were both already gone. How someone thinks that's an appropriate comment to someone whose parent has *just* died is beyond me.
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yeah I don't understand the "at least you still have your dad/mom" thing.
I guess they don't know what else to say...
I had someone tell me that too. but when they get to that certain point of dementia, its really just devastating each passing day. that blank stare :( etc ... by the time my dad passed away it was just a relief. (hope that doesn't sound bad)
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Keep coming here for support my dear. We are here for you.
Crying is good. It stops you cracking up so much.
I send you support and love.
(((HUGS)))
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I also have no real advice which could help, other than saying I went through this for two years with my own father. Perhaps even fortunate that it was only two years, but it was and is hard, as he passed, and I in some way know what you are going through. It is not fun. Prayers for you
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Upstream, you have my empathy. In a very real way our dads have already died, but it's not yet final and so we can't move on. A few days ago ago in this forum, She1934 posted a poem she wrote about her husband titled "The Long Goodbye." I don't know if it's appropriate for me to copy and post it -- if you can find it, it'll probably make you cry even more, but it will at least let you know, as Pepsee just said, "you're not alone in a black void." Best wishes.
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Upstream, my heart really goes out to you. I'm so sorry you're feeling low today. And yes, this is the longest goodbye ever. I really have nothing that would probably help right now. But I just wanna let you know you're not alone in a black void. I hear you and get what you're feeling. I too am loosing my Mom. Slowly. She was as efficient and on the ball as anyone I've ever known. Now, not so much.

Hang in there Sweetie, sending you lots of love and strength.❤️
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