Follow
Share

Some more detail...I'm sure this is "normal" in my situation but I'm having a hard time handling it.  I moved Mom into a senior community with support. This was about 3 months ago.  I visit her several times a week.  Today she told me that she wants to move somewhere else.  She wants to move near my brother who is several states away.  (IF ONLY!)  Or into a place of her own.  (She was in a place of her own nearby for the past 2 1/2 years and no longer remembers it.) Tonight she's calling me and accusing me of stealing her car.  I'm truly ready to cry.  I read the notes she writes and leaves all over her apartment about me stealing her money and taking her things.  Again, I know this is "normal" for dementia...but it's causing me unbearable stress.  I'm near the breaking point.  Suggestions...Please!!!

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Find Care & Housing

29 Comments

Newest
First Oldest
First
I thought I was alone. Thank you so much. I too am an only child, and am having a hard time dealing with the accusations and hatred my mother imposes on me. Using humor is not on option, as it only worsens the situation. Only those closest to me believe I am not at fault. The accusations have become so serious that I have recently had to block my mom’s calls because of he aggressive content of her voice mails, and I’m struggling to deal with her anger in conversations. I don’t know where to go from here, and mentally am at my limit in coping.
(2)
Report
One of my mothers siblings used my mothers Alzheimer's accusations that I was stealing her money from her to convince her to change her EPA to him and attempt to review her will. I am currently in the courts to attest to her incapacity at the time.
My mother is encouraged to be hostile toward me so he wins in court. I have to say the break from caring for her has been less stressful than all the hostility I had to endure.
Hang in there, the energy needed to care for your parent can be overwhelming so remember to look after yourself.
(0)
Report
Yesterday, I went to check on my mom. She's living on her own but spends a lot of time with me even though my daughter and I live in a one bedroom apartment. I tell her that I don't have a key to her apt. because she thinks I go there all the time to steal (fill in any item here). She hadn't answered the phone the day after the storm so I went to her apt. to check on her. She didn't answer her doorbell so I went to the management office to get their emergency key. When I unlocked her door the chain lock was on and she wasn't answering my calls. I thought I would have to have the police break down the door but eventually she answered my call when I threatened to have the police come. She wouldn't come to the door to let me in because I was just there to steal her money. I just turned around and locked the door and went home. I often wonder if this illness is worse to deal with if you always had a bad relationship with your mother. I worshiped my mom and she was my best friend so I'm very resentful that I have to deal with this body snatcher who is so verbally and emotionally abusive. All I can say is you are not alone and consider yourself "lucky" that your mom is in a facility. I'm still waiting for "something to happen" so that my mom can get the care she needs.
(2)
Report
I'm not an only child, but the others have made it clear that she can't stay with them for various reasons. I do have two siblings who come from time to time and help with doctor appointments and brief respite. We've started looking for places. It makes me so sad... like I'm failing someone no matter what I do, you know? But, yes, my husband and I agree that the children must come first.
(1)
Report
Joy, I hope you can find a good place for your mother. I know you and your husband could handle it, but I share your concern about the kids. I am with CTTN -- when she shook the toddler, that would have been the last straw. I know you love your mother, but it sounds like it would be better if you could visit her in a safe place than try to live with her. Fingers crossed that you can find a good place quickly.
(2)
Report
"her cursing my kids, she shook my toddler the other night..." That should be the end of your mother living with you. Are you an only child? If not, time to send your mother to live with one of them.
Your children come before your mother.
(4)
Report
I am glad I read this whole thread. I don't feel so alone. I've been Mom's active POA for over a year, and she's been living with me since last year. She daily says awful, hurtful things to me, my husband, and my children. It is very hard to deal with. I can find humor in it...but only after a day or so has passed and I have a little distance from it. When I'm in the thick of it, there is no humor. I've been accused of the standard money theft, trying to "make her THINK she's crazy", lying around having sex in the basement with a strange man (we have no basement, that's my husband, and we weren't having any sex-who has time or energy for sex with four kids and an 81-year-old??), that I'm trying to take her children, that it's dangerous in my house, her calling people and telling them "you don't know all the things that go on here", her cursing my kids, she shook my toddler the other night... and on and on. I think it will finally be the aggression toward my children that forces me to send her to a home. That is new, completely out of character, and very scary and dangerous to the littlest one.
(3)
Report
Jessebelle, Wishing you every success in your endeavors.
It would be good to see you have a life outside of the home.
The costs to replace you would be shocking to Mom. I could
not be remembering correctly, but can she be left alone at all?
It is spring, hope things will go better for you this year.
(1)
Report
I'm not too worried about it, Send. I know the money is handled well, but she didn't understand what she was seeing. I pay most things online, so she didn't even see those things. She was looking through the stubs for the last few months. This was only for church, income taxes, and home repairs. She couldn't comprehend what she was seeing, I'm sure. The bottom line is that she now has a house in better condition and has more money in savings than at any time of her life.

I work from home, so I'd have to quit my job (self employed) to go out to find another. :) I'm trying to put off drawing my SS as long as possible. After last year, though, going out to find a job might not be a bad idea. It was a terrible year for making money for me.
(2)
Report
Jessebelle,
My friend was being way too generous with gifts and tithes to her church.
Gifts to neices, nephews, friend's kids, etc. as she was at the same time calculating how many years until her money ran out. This was just not realistic, and I gently told her. I even went so far as to suggest she either retire the tithe, or give much less.
If a parent is placed, all their money goes to the facility, with perhaps a personal allowance of $30-50/ month. (As you are aware).
Tell your Mom that you will go out and get a job, she can pay caregivers to replace you. But instead, how about a one-time consultation with a budget-wise bookkeeper to come to your home and speak for you?

I was very hurt, devastated when dH did not trust me last year. This year, he thanks me for managing our money well. It was not me who changed the careful budget, but he changed his attitude. But it really really hurt to be accused. Or was I accursed or something?

My mil accuses everybody.  It is not unusual and this is when we try to console ourselves, by saying its not them talking, it is the illness.
  My sympathies to anyone being falsely accused.
(3)
Report
This fits in a bit with this thread. Last night my mother started getting suspicious about money. I handle all the money. She doesn't get much each month, but it covers her church offering, three utility bills and her groceries with a bit left over. Last night she told me that we were going to have to cut back on spending and she saw all the checks I'd been writing. She said it in a way like I'd been doing something wrong. I told her we could cut back pretty easily. I asked her if she wanted to have them disconnect the cable. No? Well, maybe they could turn off the gas, electricity, or water? No? Well, then, I could quit buying groceries for her. No? So I asked her what she wanted to cut back on. She told me I needed to cut back on spending all the other money.

Then she asked me where I put the savings account statement. Sigh. I told her she had it somewhere and told her how much she had. Still she knew that I had taken the statement. All we can do is shake our head when they do things like this. We know they're getting a valuable service for free, but their imagination can keep coming up with the silliest things.
(1)
Report
My mom did this to several family members including me. I tried explaining to them that it's part of the disease, but most choose to cut her out of their life and "remember the happy times". What crap. She still had years left that she could remember them and enjoy their company. But instead most choose to punish her.
(2)
Report
Valerie, welcome. This website is a lifeline for many. You will get more feedback if you post a new question. For starters, you need to see an attorney that specializes in Medicaid planning, especially since it sounds as if the house has recently transferred to you.
(1)
Report
I have just stumbled across this website and I am so glad I did. I also take care of my mom who has Alzheimer's. It has been such hard going I have so many of the issues you all have. My mom is at the stage of being very hurtful to me and really can't do anything herself anymore. I have issues trying to get her in a nursing home (money). I just can't take care of her anymore I am disabled myself and can barely walk. I don't want to loose the house which is in my name now because I need a place to live. I am at my wits end. I am no longer able to use humor she has said so many damaging things to everyone they look at me like I'm a monster. She does not like outside help not that I get much. Not sure what to do next.
(1)
Report
Gosh, I feel for you. I have been going thru this for 7 yrs now and post-visit she always accuses me or my husband of stealing something. SHe's even reported me to police and they call (I live in another state). Its happened so many times they know the score and call me while they are in front of her.

It used to really hurt my feelings and make me so furious; but it took me forever (so let that be a lesson to you to go ahead and get over it quicker!!) but I finally see the humor and just go along with it. Last time it happened this winter (I stole her purse and wallet); i advised her she should go ahead and press charges and call her lawyer (I knew she wouldn't) not in a mad way, just a normal conversation. She said she'd think about it and we went on with the conversation. She forgets or denies by the next day. I know that now so I no longer get worked up over these things -- though I still find it unusual aspect of the disease that elders blame their own children vs a neighbor or stranger? Mom claims bad things about neighbors too however....

Also, when she gets really belligerent during a visit or call, I just cut it short and leave and just say Mom, I love you but i'm not having this conversation with you, you hurt my feelings. I don't listen to anything more and we just have a fresh start next time. I have the ability to avoid her calls and infrequent visits for my own mental health and that of my family.

She can't help it, she's 94 and very bitter, angry but won't accept help and doesn't want to make any effort to make her life change - so i've also had to accept that and make peace with that.

I can say -- don't take 7 yrs to get to this point. THis forum changed my life and helped me cope immensely -- THANK GOD FOR YOU ALL!! My life if truly better and my relationship with my mom is better or the best it can be at each stage of her increasing dementia.
(5)
Report
Yep...we kind of just go with the flow most of the time. I've been accused of taking my Mom's hair curlers (vintage 1960) and stealing her bananas...and I live 400 miles away. We talk just about every day. I cherish those talks because I'll never know when they will end.
(3)
Report
I found the articles on https://www.agingcare.com/alzheimers-dementia were very helpful for me.
(1)
Report
I don't know how you live-in caregivers do it. My hat is off to you.
I am the only child and I have to keep working, so there's no one who can take care of her at my home. I also was warned (on this board) to NOT bring her into my home, as it would ruin my marriage, wreck my job and take a toll on my health. Thankfully, I listened to them. It's hard enough to visit her. Honestly, I don't think I could take the continual repetitive questions, constant complaining of headaches and "itching powder", constantly rearranging/hiding everything, missing the toilet and needing diaper changes.
It is hard enough to do the physical care, but the mental confusion with accusations is unbearable. This is truly hell on earth.
I hope I die before it comes to this.
(5)
Report
Some of the things our LO do and say are pretty horrifying to others not going through this. My Mom has stated that she will call the police and tell them I'm trying to kill her. She locks herself in her room because my boyfriend is trying to kill her. I have no boyfriend. I have recorded her on my cell,when she is doing this. I felt for my own protection. I've told her case manager about this. She has also told me she should have put me up for adoption! I do laugh at that one though. I usually tell her if she did she would be SOL right now. Last week I had about 4 hours sleep in 2 days. She just wouldn't go to sleep. I was very nice and calm until,I wasn't. I finally fell asleep and I hear a hissing noise. I open my eyes and she's standing over me,hissing. I almost had a heart attack. I calmly got up and said "Go the F $#! to sleep". She said,"No reason to be rude" walked back to her room and finally went to sleep. 
(6)
Report
Hi Holly,
I'm another daughter suffering from an angry, confused Alzheimer's mother. As she was going into Stage 5, she became very distrustful of me, accusing me of horrendous things; stealing her money and objects, physical abuse ( I "threw her on the floor then stole her pain medication"), lying, molestation (that I was doing "more" than helping her bathe), she told her doctor that I was out to get her, etc.

I am her only child and have made huge sacrifices to keep her well cared for and safe. I have been investigated by Adult Protective Services because she was telling everyone at the Senior apartments, where she lived, that I was abusing her! These accusations cut to the core. I completely understand how you can't separate what is being said about you from the disease. I couldn't/can't either. How do you "get over" being charged with incest and physical abuse? We have too many emotions; frustration, anger, anxiety, disbelief, justification, confusion, apprehension, to process at the same time.
I think we believe that, even though they no longer have the power of clear thinking, things like THAT would never come to their mind. Where DID those thoughts come from? We really don't understand the disease enough to know. We also would never expect, in ANY mental state, that our parents would think that we would ever do those things. For me, there was no way to add "humor" to this situation. I had to put my mother in an Alzheimer's facility. She physically attacked me the next time I saw her. The nurse had to pull her off me. I was devastated.

I've been very affected by it, causing me to loose sleep, doubt myself, loose my hair, etc. I pray a lot. Occasionally, I would become anxious the day before I was going to see her. My husband would encourage me to cancel the visit, just to calm down. At this phase, I would occasionally take an anti anxiety pill before a visit. That's how upset I was.

The only good thing is that this will pass. Your mom will progress into another phase of this rotten disease. In my case, my mom (now in stage 6) thinks I'm her sister. This is great because she always has lovely things to say to me. I play along. We sometimes talk about her daughter (me) and she tells me how much she hates her. I play along by asking why. She'll come off with some crazy story (her daughter stole her medicine and left for South America) and I just go along with it. She's not accusing "me", the person sitting in front of her. I can deal with that.

Please don't feel bad about not being able to let it go or not being able to have humor make it better. Everyone can only handle what they can handle in a way that works for them. Know that there are many of us like you out here.

Don't force yourself to visit so often. Listen to your body, it's telling you something. Heed its advise. Take extra care of yourself while dealing with your mom. Do anything you can to defuse the stress (yoga, exercize, music, therapy, meditation, warm baths, back or neck rub, reading, etc.) Keep active and keep talking on this forum. May God help you find a solution to your pain.
(5)
Report
These posts sound like my life! My mom and dad both live with me. Dad is confused a lot with progressed memory loss, but is annoying more than anything else. I Can deal with that. But, Mom is angry, mean and verbally abusive almost daily to me and my husband. I work full time so my husband and a part-time caregiver is here with them during the day. I take over second and third shift when I get home from work. She is like Jekyll and Hyde. When the caregiver is here she is sweet and compliant.. I really lost it with her yesterday when I was trying to clean her bedroom. I really lost it with her. I feel so bad about that that it was on my mind all night long. My decision this morning is as follows: I will take advice I read on one of these sights: be nice, pleasant and kind as much as possible, smile and ignore as much as I can, take care of her to the best of my ability to assure her safety, view her as if she were not my mother. After 2 years of this, I feel I am at the end of my rope. I get very little help from brother and basically none from sister. They both live within 5 miles of my home. I can so understand HollyW! You are not alone. Many of us out here. You are doing your best...........thoughts and prayers coming your way. Hang in there!
(1)
Report
This stage will pass & she won't even remember her car etc - my mom sucked the life out of my dad accusing him of stealing her coin collection [later a friend told us that mom sold it to someone at a coin show], stamps etc - we intervened & now 4 1/2 years later they are doing as well as can be expected at 91 & 94

My mom has lost the need to hold onto worldly goods which is mainly an identity process in that they say to themselves 'I am worthy of respect because I have been able to accumulate all these things' - I was amazed when she was finally tested & found to have moderate to severe dementia so your mom may be deeper into this slide than you realize
(4)
Report
We all know the crazy pains of dementia. I too, have a hard time when my mother acts as though she is the victim, and I am the mean person. She tries to convince my friends that I am mean to her, and they feel so sorry for her. She lives with me, but I need to get her into a senior home. She is sucking the joy from my life. I am so tired of the daily depressing demeanor she has towards me, but when a visitor comes, she perks up and is as charming as a saint. No one understands why I can't be around her ( except for my husband who sees her negativity as well ). I am worn out with her here. I need to find a facility, but in our small town, there is not many options. I will try humor as well, but I doubt she will laugh along, just scowl at me.
(3)
Report
Holly
You're in a difficult stage of the disease especially if you're the sole caregiver
The notes, phone calls, nastiness and yelling are exhausting - I lived with it for quite a long while - that stage seems so long ago now
Do whatever you can to keep your cool - walk outside- go to your happy place - humor and laughter do help a lot
You're a hero for standing by your mom
Dementia is a long tiring journey for everyone
(4)
Report
I dealt with the same thing, but it wasn't just me it was nearly everyone that came into the house. Mom even accused her husband. The hardest times were when a twisted sister would call when mom was particularly delusional thinking there were two people in her house and she wanted them to leave due to her fears that we were there to steal from her.

I would dial the phone for her sometimes to call one of the twisteds. Then mom would start whispering that we were to leave. Twisteds.sometimes helped, but other times, get suspicious themselves. They did not understand dementia and were in denial about how sick mom was.

Tell her a therapeutic white lie. The car is in for repair, it will be picked up in a day or two. Maybe she lent it to one of her favorite people. Whatever you think will calm her down.
(5)
Report
Thank you to the three of you for your answers and, especially, for your support. Just hearing your voices of reason makes me feel better. I admit that I didn't handle it well with my mother last night. But the three of you have given me tools that I can use tomorrow. And the next day. And (sigh) the day after that...etc. I'm so sorry for anyone else who has to go through this but it sure is comforting to know that I'm not alone.
(2)
Report
HollyW I completely agree with the answers already posted. I have gone through the same thing. Finding humor in the things your mom says will help. Under normal circumstances these would be serious accusations. But the dementia causes our situations to be very different. Laughter will do your heart good. While mom is talking smile and go along with what she is saying so not to agitate her. Agitation may make things worse. I live with my mom because my mom and dad both required care and we didn't have the space for both my parents in my home. So I have left my home to care for them, yet still pay mortgage on my own home. My mom tells my sister she doesn't want me here and I didn't ask to move in. She wants to know what happened did I do lose my house or something. BUT she doesn't say this stuff to me, just to my sister. With me she is grateful and smiles. I just laugh about it. Laughing has relieved much stress for me. Hope this helps. Hang in there. Overlooking the accusations gets easier after the first few times but at first, yes, it does sting.
(6)
Report
Holly you poor thing. I know how you feel because it hurts me to my heart when my mother does the same. Its like I am incapable of seeing that its dementia. But likefreqflyer states it will help a whole lot to find a way to make humor out of it. Or get her to laugh or make a joke of it. Sometimes it is acutally funny the things they say and the ridiculous accusations but being a serious kind of person and being accused and blamed and persecuted takes me to another place when it happens.

There are times when I can honestly laugh and it is funny and it releaves the stress and pain when you can see them as funny and cute and silly.

There will be times when you are in a good place with her and then bang! She demands that you return her money or something out the blue. My mother would threaten me, bang on the door, curse me from my head and arms to my feet. Crazy. I can look bacck an smile. I know there will be more to come and if I have smile and laaughed enough its easier to taken the next labor pains when they come. Cause thats what it is pain but in your heart to be asccuse wrongly but especially of something you would not do and then by someone who knows you better than anyone (Supposedly).

Id say dont take it personnally. There's lots of good advice on this site so keep reaching out and posting your cries and hurt and pain it helps and you may get the answer that show you the light of the way to work it out within yourself. Good luck. My heart is with you.
(7)
Report
Holly, the only way to deal with this is to find a sense of humor in what Mom is doing.   I know it won't be easy, but it does work.   Next time Mom says you stole her car, just say "I would if it was a Corvette".    Or just along with what she is saying, even if you know it's not correct... that way it would make her feel better and you feel better, too.  As you know, she will forget what she said hours later.

I have watched really good professional caregivers use humor with their clients.   Like for my Dad who didn't want a caregiver to help him with his shower because of his shyness, she said "Mr. Bob, I raised a house full of boys, there isn't anything I haven't seen".   That got my Dad laughing and he got his shower.
(7)
Report
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter