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My mom died 3 weeks ago. I can't seem to get past this. I was with her when she died. I was holding her hand and watched her take her last breath. The image will forever stay in my mind. I'm depressed. I have no idea how to move on without her. I take antidepressants but they are obviously not helping much. Mom was 75 years old. She quit living after my dad died three years ago. I failed her. I could not motivate her to get out and live even a little at a time. I was her 24/7 care giver. I feel it was my fault she wasn't able stay longer.

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First, I understand your pain - my Mom passed away a week ago and over the last couple of years, I have often felt I should have done more. But I don’t think you failed your Mom. You were there at the most difficult time, holding her hand, making sure she wasn’t alone and to ease her passing. That’s something that not a lot of people can do. I think you did the best you could and likely doing what I’m doing - second guessing yourself. The decision on how to live her life was your Mom’s and when it’s time to pass, well, that’s up to a higher power.
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Patrick, how are you doing?

Are you finding peace and forgiveness for yourself?

I truly pray that you have been delivered from the feelings of fault and guilt.

Great big warm hug 🤗!
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Please know your mom is looking down on you with such a grateful heart, knowing she was cared for and loved. That you were her champion, even if she wasn’t able to champion herself. She knew this.
She would want you to live your best life and would wish the same love and caring for you. You are not a failure, you are your Moms hero. Go make your mom smile and live a Beautiful life. She is with you always.
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@Butterfly72

Sending you a huge hug.
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It is so very hard when a parent dies. You did not fail you mom. You were so very lucky to have been with you mom died. You were able to hold her hand and were with her to the very end. It was hard but you will have those memories. In my case my 99 year old mother is in hospital, we are not allowed to see her, it is difficult for her to talk to us, and we will not be able to be there when she passes away. My memory will be of my mom crying and wanting me to take her home because of Covid 19 no one is allowed into the hospital not even at the end. All we can do is wait for that phone call.
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Grief is different for everyone and sometimes it takes longer for the loss not hurt so badly. You did not fail your Mom - in fact that you held her hand and in your heart says so much. Your Mom and Dad will want you to move forward each day. Your antidepressants might need adjusted by your MD. Think of all the fun you've had with your folks - be strong and be encouraged because you have had an impact on your Mom and Dad. I can understand her depression at the loss of her husband, your Dad. Try exercising, go for a walk, as much as you can during this coronavirus delima. Talking to someone will also help. Start a Memory Book and look at the pictures and type down all you can remember. Don't blame yourself, ever!
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Unless you are God, you have no say at all in when a person dies. Only God has that knowledge and He's not passing it along to US! Many, many people cannot process the loss of a lifelong loved one, so they decide to join them. Blaming yourself for this situation makes no sense and has no basis in reality at all. You need to go through the grief process, which is indeed a process.......and not something a pill can cure. You are in the depression phase of the process right now, on your way to the acceptance phase which is the very last phase. I suggest you purchase the book, On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss, by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. Here is an Amazon link:

https://www.amazon.com/Grief-Grieving-Finding-Meaning-Through-ebook/dp/B000FCKB02

I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved mom. Take comfort in knowing that she's now reunited with your dad and both of them are at peace. Please take care of YOURSELF now, okay? And do pick up a copy of that book and/or join a grief support group so you can work your way through this process and not feel quite so alone in the journey.

All the best.
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My dear, I know how you feel - I lost my dear mother at the end of January and I miss her terribly. I was also with her when she took her last earthly breath, And I consider that to be an honor.

I also know that my mother is in the place now that she deserves to be and as much as I miss her, would not bring her back if given the chance.

Allow yourself the time to go through the grieving process, she was an important part of your life. You gave her love and care and know that the rest was up to our Lord. Remember, your Mom loved you, but she is at peace now and God is pleased that you took care of His child, your Mother as you did.

My sympathy to you and remember that grief is the final act of love.

Hugs!!!
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I’m right there with you. What I can tell you is that in my experience, it does get better.

3 weeks after my mom's death was right around the time of her memorial... After which I really fell apart and broke down.. Acted mean to the people who were trying their best to support me, crying every single day. Now it's been a little over two weeks, and I am at a different, less acute stage of grief
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It's only been three weeks! No one would be "past" this in three weeks!

You didn't fail her. When someone decides to give up, that's it. No amount of love or encouragement from anyone will change their decision. No one can decide for someone else to keep going. You couldn't "save" her because NO ONE COULD. NOT EVEN HER. We're never ready for parents or other loved ones to leave us, even when they've decided they are.
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Joann you make a very good point. I went running out and asked for a antidepressant around the time my mom started to deteriorate thinking it would cushion my emotions and help with the eventual grieving process. When I finally had to stop taking it due to the side effects the grief came pouring in as if my mom had just died.

If you really need a antidepressant by all means get prescribed one but please consider thinking about it if you are taking it thinking it will stop the grief.

Grief needs to run it's own course.
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Yes, its too soon. And I just found this article on anti-depressants

"Antidepressants are not recommended to overcome bereavement. These drugs can mask grieving which will only return after the person stops taking them. They can take weeks to kick in and have a long list of side effects. Whereas depression is usually constant, grief is more likely to ebb and flow like waves crashing on the shore. Grief does not usually invoke feelings of worthlessness and low self-esteem that are typical of true depression."

If your are taking anti-depressants for the grief and don't feel they are working, then maybe stop. If you were previously taking them, maybe call your Dr. and tell him/her that they are interfering with your grieving process and how do u handle that.

Men are raised to be the "strong" ones. Men don't cry. But what you probably need is a good cry. It will release all those pent up emotions. Its kind of a cleansing thing.

My Dads been gone 13 yrs. I still tear up when I hear the Hymn "In the garden" My favorite Aunts have been gone 30 yrs, but I still miss them.
Death is part of life. It's going to happen to us all. We don't want losing someone we love to cripple us. Just keep Mom close to ur heart and know u were a good son, you did your best. Remember the good times and know she is now at peace.

You did not fail Mom. You are not responsible for someone else's happiness. Seems you were there for her and that's what counts.
Did Mom have Hospice? If so, they have grief counseling.
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You did not fail your mom. Sometimes people give up on life and as much as we try they dig in their heels and refuse any help from us. My own mother has been going down hill after my dad passed away 5 yrs ago. She has given up and I see it more and more as the weeks pass by. Some times this just happens with people and there isn't anything we can do.

You love your mom and cared for her. You did the best you could. Perhaps you should talk to someone to help you figure out your feelings and help you move forward. I didn't know your mom, what I do know she wouldn't want you to miss out on living your life. I am so sorry for your loss and that you are having a hard time! Be kind to yourself...it will take time for you to move forward and that's okay! There is no timeline for grieving.

Sending you hugs!💗
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Dear Patrick, you don’t really know why your mother died, but you think that she no longer wanted to live. She didn’t want you to change her mind. She must have been a strong minded woman who made her own decisions. My mother died at 78. It’s hard to be left behind, and the last memories can be hard too. You never forget, but the pain shrinks down in your mind. As soon as you can, fill your mind with good memories of the things you are grateful to her for. xxx
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I'm so sorry for your loss and the suffering you are going through.
I lost my brother and my father in the past months and understand the feeling of wishing I did more. I'm not sure that will ever go away. But, I KNOW both my brother and my father would NOT want me to feel remorse over my actions or inactions. They would want me to live my life without looking back and sometimes I feel their presence willing me to leave my grief behind.
Your mother did her best to carry on and you did your best to support her. Your parents wouldn't want you to suffer like this. It's early days and I guess it takes a long while just for the acceptance of loss to sink in. Please be gentle with yourself.
{{{hugs}}} to you during this difficult time.
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Don't let anyone tell you that you need to stop grieving. You are just in the beginning stages,, It is ok. Hopefully when you talk with people, you can genuinely say you were blessed to be at her side, holding her hand, and watching her last breath. I missed my chance by a minute...
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With the passing of my dad, I felt =his presence in too many ways. It was reassuring he was ok. My brother, I felt a liil bit, and my mom, perhaps, since I was so close to her.. I don't know, I often think of her and talk to all of them, but Mom is quiet. I don't feel her around as much... She was yelling at me to get back, I felt that, but now, it's quiet. It doesn't feel like 2 years, I feels like just a few weeks. I am still grieving.. and people don't know why, she is better off, liberated from her body, and she is up in Heaven dancing away with our loved ones. I do feel at times, when I ask her for guidance, then I think I feel her love around...
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I'm really sorry.

I'm really sorry for your loss of your mother. Normally I'd point out that this happened only 21 days ago and it's a bit harsh to expect yourself to have got past it.

That's still true - it's far too soon - but the other point that jumps out at me is that how you're feeling isn't about the last three weeks, and your mother's last breath; it's about the last three years and your mother's inability to respond to all your care for her.

Isn't it?

Who's prescribing the anti-depressants, and what are you telling that person about what's happened to you?
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Hi Patrick I'm sorry about your mom. I'm glad you could be with her at the last - I was not and it happened in the middle of the night. Got the dreaded call. I still feel very sad about my mom too, and I go back and try to think of something that I did or didn't do that would have made a difference in the outcome, but the counselors told me that this is common for almost everyone, especially caregivers. You can only do so much, because you cannot force someone to do things that you know would help - they have to want to cooperate. Sometimes there is just nothing left to do.
I have went through my mom's photos and put some out and I have a candle near one that I light every night and then I say goodnight. It's hard. I have always had mild depression and I can't take medicines because of side effects, so I understand that you can't always get rid of depression, but have to kind of make friends with it. I'm trying to take care of myself and get some extra sleep if I can, and go out in nature and enjoy it. I have put together her personal history growing up and posted to genealogy sites. I have a cousin who lost his mom about six years ago and he is taken antidepressants also. Like you, I think it only takes the edge off, but does help some.
I have had people tell me that life goes on. Yes it does, but it goes on without THEM. That's the difference, and no one can tell you how long you should feel a certain way. It wasn't their mother. It isn't their life.
A support group would help. I have other family members that say, blah blah why do you want to air your feelings with strangers? Well, because there are other people going through it and it helps - like this site - to know you are not the only one.
It helps for me to know that my mom is seeing what I am doing and what Im going through and somehow supports me and cares about my life. Maybe this will help you too.
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It's only been 3 weeks. You are okay. You were holding her hand. That is awesome. It was very hard, comepetely acceptable. You saw her last breath. That is something you should embrace, and know you helped her through this transition.
Well, your dad past away, and she took that hard. I have heard stories, and one pretty recently, that an older couple died within moments of eachother. I think they may have been in the hospital...
So, my mom's passing is hard for me too. This hospice woman came in when I called. She wasn't "my team". never met her. I called my team, who have been with mom and me for at least 5-6 years. They knew us, they understood me, and they know I don't call just for a no-nothing issue. Anyway, the woman showed me how to crush morphin pills and slide them in mom's mouth. "every hour". Gee, thanks. Every hour, I'm doing this. I stayed up night and and diligently doing as I was told. I called hospice several times. This man said he will come down as soon as he could. 7 am rolled around, and he came in. I picked up my brother who flew in the day before. He told me to go home relax a bit, freshen up. It was grueling. So I did. then I went to water the lemon tress my mom gave me 25 years ago. And as I am watering, I hear her tell me to get back. She is ready to go.
then I watered the grass,, and I hear her say, come now. I get in the car, and my cell phone is blown up,,,,my brother kept trying to call me... she's ready, she's going, you get over now... I got to mom in 1 minute. It's usually 3 minute drive. I open the door, and this other nurse, looked at her watch, and called off the time. I wasn't holding her hand, I was right near her. and I wasn't holding her hand...
You are blessed. You did not fail anybody. You are blessed. It's been 2 years since mom died. I am still trying to get over it. It wasn't as easy or pleasant as I would have wanted it in so many ways..
Give yourself time, and forgive your self. I am trying to do that too.
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Patrick, be kind and generous to yourself.   Three weeks isn't enough to even consider beginning to move on.  You're still in a grieving period.   

Advice that grieving should be over within a certain time is to me ridiculous, unwarranted, and inappropriate.  Everyone should grieve as long as he/she feels it appropriate, and helpful.    My mother died in 2002 and my sister in 2003; I still become teary eyed when I think of them, and how much I've lost.  

And I intend to allow emotions to overtake me whenever I feel the necessity.    Losing people in our life is a major adjustment, more challenging and traumatic than we can realize.  We need to listen to our own inner thoughts and ignore what others "advise" about grieving.

Be kinder to yourself and don't assess blame when it doesn't exist.   Your mother apparently lost interest in living after your father died, and she's entitled to that.    Turn the situation around and consider that you gave her time to acclimate to your father's passing, and to the extent possible, adapt to that before she herself passed.

You didn't fail anyone, nor is her passing your fault.   We're all here on earth for a limited time.   

Now, think of something to do to be kind to yourself today:  read a favorite book, go for a walk, watch a favorite movie - reward yourself for your insight and support; don't punish yourself for what you feel is lacking.
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Being there to hold her hand at the very last was a privilege. Let the image stay if it needs to. May it become a comfort to you - that you were there, with such love for her.
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Patrick, I am so sorry for your loss. When we are caregivers our lives come to revolve around the one we are caring for. It has been a very short time since she passed, what you are feeling is understandable. Give yourself time. Find a grief support group in your area where you will see that others feel as you do. It is unfair to yourself to hold yourself responsible for not being able to help mom get past dad's death. It only has to do with mom. Be Kind to yourself and find comfort in knowing that mom is once again with dad.
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Patrick, ((((((((hugs))))))). You are not so powerful as you think. You were not responsible for motivating your mother to want to live.

3 weeks is a very short period and you are still rightfully grieving. Make sure that you are eating nutritious meals and getting fresh air and exercise every day.

Sadness and depression are two very different things. You are sad that your mother died...that's not going to be helped by meds.

The feeling that you should have been able to help? That is the thing that you want to get beyond or around. Talk to your doctor if you are not getting past that feeling. No one is that powerful.
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Patrick - I'm so sorry for your loss. The pain is still so fresh. Please be easy and kind to yourself.

Also, you should not think that you failed her. You didn't. Your mother decided on her own to quit living. It is NOT your fault. She wanted to go to be with your dad. Nothing you could do to stop that.

Do you have a grief support group that you can attend in person? A counselor to talk to?

Again, I'm so sorry for your loss. It must hurt so much.
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Oh Patrick, of course it was not your fault. You cannot live someone's life for them. If your mom chose to stop living after your dad died that's on her, not you.

My dad died when I was four. I always felt like I owed my mom somehow. Like I needed to fill that void for her. I totally get where you are coming from. But I paid the debt by being there for her all through her life and was also by her side as she took her last breaths. I think you did the same for your mom. Your job is done. Live for yourself now regretting nothing. Hugs!
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