I am the out of state daughter of an 93 year old mother with neuropathy, on a walker, bad shoulders, and living in independent living apt. attached to a larger facility. My sister lives in town and has primary responsibility for mom's needs. I travel to their city where I spend 4 months in the summer to help - but with Covid, I didn't get up there this year. Additionally, I do and keep all of mom's finances and make any and every call needed to outside agencies as needed for mom.
My sister is very dramatic and has a love/hate relationship with my mom. My mom can be very passive aggressive to us both. She wants mom out of her life. Recently, in the past few years, my sister has taken out her resentment and anger on me. She is deeply furious that I live out of state and cannot take my "50% of mom." She stops talking to me, or says something nasty to me, and then apologizes which are now hollow to me. I have had much counseling to deal with the dynamics of our family and mom's aging care. It has helped me so much and I have offered to take my sister, pay for it, to help her deal with this time in life. She refuses. I write because this year, with me not getting there, everything has gotten worse. Sister feels so put upon. I have offered additional homecare for mom, I have tried to arrange other rides for mom if she needs to get to a Dr. So far, my sister does it all.
So this week, my sister now wants mom is assisted living because of her neuropathy and being a fall risk, among other changes that my sister reports to me. Mom cannot afford assisted living on her own. But we have long term care insurance and the possibility of VA funding if medical criteria are met. Mom is still independent on her walker, although feeble. She meets all of her activities of daily living so her long term care insurance would not pay for her to go to assisted living.
Today, I checked with homecare with some questions for the aide who sees mom weekly on changes in mental and physical status. I have been informed that there have been no changes in mom. That mom still bathes herself although the aide helps her get in and out of the shower. That mom still dresses herself. I reported this to my sister and her response was, "well I'm glad you have THEM to ask."
My sister and I used to be great friends. She has pushed me completely out of her life. It happens over and over again. A couple of years ago I was devastated by her stopping talking to me. I'm better now but what a waste. We could be such a good team, but I feel like through this aging process with mom, I have lost a sister.
Sorry this is so long. Just needed to vent.
When you are arranging rides to doc, etc. it seems her building should provide it, but if for whatever reason they do not, tap into the VA and the non-VA service organizations, her town or county's local senior services dept, etc. Some run a van around town for seniors to get to appts etc. or have volunteers providing one on one rides etc.
Also keep in mind the Veterans Homes in your state. That would be skilled nursing level care and veterans, veterans widows, veterans disabled children, and Gold Star family members all eligible to reside there. My dad was in a veterans home for two years and many people there didn't seem to have too much wrong except some physical frailty, and probably just help staying on an even keel and not having to deal with shopping, cooking, chores, getting to docs, and fighting bill collectors and insurance on their own.
Secondly, (and I hope your counselor has pointed this out to you) you ARE helping out. Dealing with your mom’s financial affairs and trying to find transportation for her while long distance is huge! And therefore, it’s something that your sister does not have to deal with. Most cities and towns have a senior services organization that might be able to help with community resources. Would you be willing to find some of those resources that might help your sister out? Could a home health care provider type person take your mom to doctors appointments? When my mom was living out of state, and was able to get herself to the doctor, but not able to tell me what was discussed (due to her dementia), the doctor and I decided to do a conference call between her and myself while my mom was in her office. That helped a lot, as I could ask questions, take notes, be aware of next steps that needed to be taken. Not ideal, but it worked well for us.
I wish you and your sister the best in trying to work together to share the often overwhelming responsibilities you are taking on. It really is not forever, though it often seems that way. Bless you both on all you both do for your mom!
Your post reminds me of my out of town sister. She used to have many theoretical answers but has come to realize over time not to assume.
I’m caring for elderly parents both nearly 90. They live independently but need a lot of assistance. I am gifted funds and am appreciative of that but it is hard hard emotionally to be in this position.
Support your sister with gift cards to restaurants and other places to make her life a bit easier.
i have a number of siblings that live nearby but always busy with their own lives. One tries while another is really missing in action, other than phone calls. I’ve learned to let it go but not been easy, especially when an email full of criticism arrives in my inbox.
For all the siblings not involved in daily care of your parents, support that one sibling who is. There are ways. Just get creative.
For so many years, my siblings and others would say our parents were able to live independently, when they really were not. I was making deliveries, driving them to appointments, my husband was called regularly to help them get up from a fall. That is not living independently. My mother got terribly ugly with me at times when she was upset because of their physical and mental decline. Caretaking is physically and mentally exhausting. And covid has amped up the stress considerably.
When my mom entered al last year after a fall, it was really difficult at first. But after a few months, I realized I was actually enjoying spending time with her. Now that every conversation doesn’t involve an ever-increasing to-do list for me, I can see what a wonderful mother I have.
When I look back at how stressed and overwhelmed I have been these past several years, I know I have felt resentment toward my siblings and I am afraid I’ve been snippy with them at times. I’m so sorry. I realize that they simply couldn’t understand what I was going through.
It hit me like a ton of bricks when we were all on a group text and I had explained that I had a full weekend of unexpected chores to do at our parents house. They immediately laid out their plans of concerts and social activities. Twice I asked them to come help when one of our parents was in the hospital but both said they had to work. Never mind that I had just started a new job and have taken tons of days off in the last 12 years to take our parents to appointments, surgeries, and other hospital stays.
My siblings are not insensitive clods. They simply had no idea how much the comments could hurt when I felt like I didn’t have the luxury of planning fun activities for myself or my family due to constant emergencies with our aging parents.
several times one of my siblings has questioned my decisions about our parents. That really hurts. Please talk to your sister about what should be done for your mom, but please try to listen to her. It’s perfectly ok for you to set boundaries to protect yourself and not allow her to lash out at you. But please don’t withdraw your support just yet. You will both need each other soon.
What I can tell you is there is no way you can really relate to the 24/7 job that your sister is doing. Your sister is hurt and angry and overwhelmed and exhausted. Caregiving is life ALTERING. The truth is also that there can be healing. My sister and I do speak and while I cannot forget her abandonment not only of our parents but also of me, I have forgiven her and want to move on and maintain a relationship with her. We're both working on it and I know it would make my parents happy.
Here's my advice. First, tell your sister you're sorry. You know it's not fair. You want to help. Visit. A LOT. As often as you can though in these times that's tough to do. Ask her, say listen, I want to help, I want to help her, I want to help you - tell me exactly what you want me to do - give me a list. And then do it. Don't make excuses. Well, I can't do it because I'm not there. GO there, get what you need and do it. Offer to bring mom to you out of state if she's going into ALF. If your sister thinks she needs ALF, she does. End of story. Maybe you can try caring for her daily in your home before you come to a conclusion about her care. Bring her to your home. I gave my sister a list. Here's these dates can you come take care of her while I leave town? Here, can you call this person about x,y.z. Etc. She did some but not all. She offered to take my mom to her but when push came to shove she said she couldn't do it. I pretty much knew she never would.
One other thing you should know. When my mother died after I cared for her, I felt peace. I felt love and I felt that I had done everything in my human power to care for her. My sister did not, in a big way - a much bigger way then she or I anticipated. The grief process is never easy, but for my sister it has been very complicated and 6 months later, she cries everyday and is really struggling with our mother's death. At first I did want to say, you reap what you sow buttercup, but I know that's not what my mother would have wanted and as much as it's how I thought I would feel, I truly felt sorry for her. So, I do what I can to care for her and listen to her and help her in her grief journey. Something I thought I would never be capable of. I mourn my mother and miss her dearly but I have a sense of peace that my sister does not. Regardless of your sister, make sure you are in a healthy place with your mother. Don't let your feelings for your sister get in the way of what you need to do/say/live for your relationship with your mom. And hold on to hope that things can mend with your sister. Trust me, after your mom is gone, you may really want her in your life.
Best of luck to you - it's never easy.
Have you considered paying your sister, out of your mom's money, for what she does? We have to keep accurate records of the time and activities, and might possibly have to use them to get Medicaid and VA help if she has to eventually go into a memory care facility, but so far, it's worth it. During this covid mess, the extra money has helped both my sister and myself financially. This can all be done legally, and it's only fair. It's a tough job being the physical caregiver. I know taking care of the finances is work too, but not even close to what it's like to deal with the actual caregiving.
Again, my point is about the financial aspect. Do something to help your sister get compensated for her time. Ask her if it would help her to handle it better. The help is available and it's fair.
Then we have dear old dad who is 103 and deaf and ignorant. When I complained about the fridge situation in the past week, and made a comment to the effect of how I could't take it any more, he whined back "I have nerves too!" "It's the way it is. I can't do anything about it. You'll have to get used to it". I also have to put up with both of them getting into MY food. This was intolerable prior, now it is more of an issue, as I am recovering with limited appetite from a near life/death illness. Yes, that's what your dear sibling could be looking at for all she is doing/being burdened with. I was rushed to the hospital when I really really didn't feel well, and had severe, unrelenting back pain at the time. It resulted in my being taken by helicopter to the main campus of the Cleveland Clinic (cost: $47,000---think how much in -home assistance that would cover people--and no I do not have it to pay) where I underwent surgery for what is nearly always fatal (think John Ritter, Alan Thicke) an aortic disection. It has been a huge challenge to recuperate, no matter how independent my folks can be. Just one example: My mother clearly clueless to what happened to me, didn't miss me the weeks I was absent, and continues with her typical obnoxious behaviors. Notes on food like "NOT YOURS DO NOT TOUCH" are deliberately ripped off and ignored. She COULD be drinking from the bottle so it has to be trashed. SHe is taking raw eggs, I think attempting to eat them, dad thinks she is just throwing them out. We have a chair moved to be near our patio door so I can sit as I let my pup out after doing the stairs...mother moves it back, when I have very limited energy to function. AND: sibling of late BLAMES me for what happened to me for ignoring my health, avoiding MD's, I should have known I had high BP, THEY should be stuck in an Asstd Lvg (whether it's good for either and they want it, regardless of financial implications etc. Comes at me with her selfish attitude that no one expects me to sacrifice my life yadayada. ANd rubs in MOST people do not live their whole lives with their parents. Never mind that she can avoid all of this, and do nothing. Taking over the financial stuff would only add to confusion. She turns that around to say I HAVE to be in control so she knows I will not agree. To top it off when she rushed in because I was near death, she has now tallied up to the penny what SHE is owed for airfare and incidentals that came to $799.41, which included a couple meals for the folks!
My question would be, if your Mom dresses herself, has aides who physically assist her when needed, and meets all the activities of daily living assessments, exactly what care is your sister providing? Is that care really necessary? What would happen if she simply visited your mother and did nothing but talk with her?
Although my sisters and I "care" for our mother, we mostly provide company, moral support and transportation. We are not physically able to do anything requiring lifting or other physical exertions. One sister does spend a lot more time with Mom, but it is her choice to do so. Bear in mind that nothing actually requires you to do anything at all for your aging mother, especially not as you reach the age where you may, yourself, require assistance with some of the chores you easily handled yourself 10 years ago.
The primary rule of caregiving is to take care of yourself, first. Be clear with yourself and your sister and mother what limits you have. If you are in a good place where you live and intend to stay there, make sure that it is well-understood that you are not going to move. If you are handling the finances and dealings with the bureaucracies of aging you are already doing a major job. My oldest sister, who lives further away also does this. It takes a big load off the rest of us. That sister also calls Mom every day just to keep her company. Do not let your sister belittle those contributions.
You may want to talk with a counselor about this and try to make a list of the things your are willing to take on and those you are not willing to take on, but bear in mind that as your mother will continue needing more and more you and your sister will be able to do less and less. You may want to encourage your sister to do less and let the professionals already engaged judge how your mother copes when she has a bit less support. It is easy to over-estimate how well the elderly are coping if there is a daughter doing a whole lot. Try not to let yourself be bullied by your Mom and sister and be sure to take time to appreciate your friends and neighbors. Sometimes they are more important to your overall well-being than family.
One if the really difficult parts of being a caregiver is the constant thoughts of "are they ok". Everytime my phone rings, I check to see if it's them, any hour of the day or night. If a text comes in, I look. My phone is always near. Mom is a night owl and will text me at 2 am to say she is watching a great movie! Like a parent with a newborn, my ears are tuned to hear that, and I wake up. Because sometimes the message is something serious I need to deal with. I go to my painting class or my book club and never put my phone away, because Mom might call. And she often does. Again, sometimes it's something unimportant but it could be serious. So I go to social, enjoyable things, but never get to fully relax and enjoy.
That's the day-to-day reality of caring for a parent who is "independent " and it's the kind of thing that sucks your energy out. And the thing that is really hard for an out of town family member to help with!
I suggest you get in the habit of calling your mother every, single day. Not the quick "how you doing, ok, bye" call. Have a real conversation. Ask her about, or tell her about a movie or book. Tell her about your holiday decorating. Reminisce about events from your childhood, vacations or parties or funny family stories. Let her talk all she wants, people who live alone don't talk to others enough. Let her complain to you. Spend a half hour with her. If you can do it on facetime or portal or zoom it's even better. Stop your life for 30 minutes every day to spend with your Mom.
Several good things will happen. First, you will reconnect with Mom as a person instead of a responsibility. Second, it will take some pressure off your sister, because Mom has someone else to lean on, talk to, complain to, listen to. Third, you will realize how hard it is to commit just 30 minutes a day to Mom, on your schedule and that will give you a peek into what your sister deals with daily and not at her convenience. Fourth, your sister will see you making an effort to be involved in a hands-on way. Not just doing financials and paperwork (valuable yes, but at your convenience) but by committing time to Mom personally.
The last benefit will be that you get a better grasp on Mom's true situation. This info will help down the road when arrangements need to be made for further care.
And it might make it clear that you need to find a way to get there more often. There is always way, despite distance, covid, or jobs! Check out the Family Medical Leave Act. You can get paid for time you take off work to care for a family member.
Best of luck to you.
Have you thought about having someone from the assisted living come and do an evaluation? That’s what I had to do when deciding what type of care my mother needed. I also had her primary care person review her medical needs. My mother qualified for the VA aid and attendance pension but it took six months - so I would inquire about that ASAP. The assisted living may also know about the long term care insurance.
I read briefly through some of the other responses. I know you want to support your sister. But it may be time to have the direct conversation about what is practical without the emotion. Something like, “look, I’m not moving and can’t travel safely due to Covid. You need to put your frustration aside for a bit so we can address the issues and come up with some practical solutions to help you and mom.” If she still wants to argue you might need to say something like, “arguing is not a plan - I am going have to end this conversation because we have been here before. I offered some practical solutions and you refuse to work as a team.” You might remind her that your mother is only going to continue to decline and sooner or later calm and practical decisions will need to be made.
I’m sorry you are going through all this. Let us know if anything works!
I think I'll just go decorate my Christmas tree.
You say you could be such a good team - but team play is all about everyone doing the same amount of work to reach the goal. That doesn't appear to have ever been the case if you weren't around.
Talk to mom's doctor about an evaluation to move her to assisted living where she will get more assistance. The wording of the evaluation should put the long term care in motion. It can only help in two ways - mom gets more attention and sister feels better about the situation. Do it before you really do lose a sister. The history may have a strain in the relationship, but it's always possible to mend.
I am in a grumpy mood today 😠 & want a bulk order of common sense hats handed out on mass to the whole world.
Elders: plan now for your non-independace. Your daughters are not your servants. They may CHOOSE to help.
Sisters: if you want to be a hands-on carer, do it. If you don't then don't. Stop trying to guilt each other. What you do does not need to be matched exactly by your sister: either your live-next-door sister or your out-of-town sister. You have different talents, needs & lives. This I do more, she does nothing attitude is not helping anyone solve anything.
There. That's my rant over.
Wait. PS. If your buden is too great. Set it down & seek help. That's your responsibility. It is not up to others to read your mind & save you. Take action.
I mean no disrespect to the full-time caregivers. Your lot is indeed hard. I speak as the nearby one too. I do not expect the out-of-towner to rescue me. I must save myself.