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I came here to say that so many of you were right when you told me to walk away months ago. I think I had to learn this for myself. Hopefully it spares me from going through something like this again. Maybe someone else can learn from this.


Over 4 months of trying to help my father who is paranoid, delusional, with cognitive decline, and short term memory loss. Thousands of dollars spent, countless hours, and so much stress and nothing has changed about the situation.


His attorney has not submitted her answer to the court (we filed the petition in mid-October). She reached out to my attorney and thinks that he was able to answer her questions properly and he doesn’t think he needs a guardian of person or property so it would go need to go to trial if I wanted to pursue it.


I will not fight this. So it’s going to end here.


In the meantime he throws away good food, throws away bath towels, has barricaded himself in his apartment. Has been making chemical concoctions to use against his neighbor. He has accused his neighbor of raping him, punching him in the neck repeatedly, and breaking in his home, poisoning him, mailing explosives, and stealing from him. He has called police on his neighbor for these things repeatedly and called the station harassing them. His neighbor got a peace order against him and a then after the PO was issued, a second degree assault charge (he knocked on the man’s door and threw soapy water in his face). He was never arrested and his attorney seems to have made the assault charge completely disappear from the court records.


He has gone to the ER 15 times in 4 months due to his delusions, overdosing on ibuprofen, and falling. Discharged on his own each time. Christmas Eve, I learned he was at the hospital (he was also there on the 23rd). He said his neighbor punched him in the neck and was dizzy. I told them not to discharge him. Explained the situation. They recommended him to go to a SNF, but he refused. So they discharged him.


Meanwhile he had a pending eviction and no place set up to move to. But doesn’t remember that and doesn’t have the capacity to find a place to live anyway. And when it’s brought up to him and he’s reminded he thinks I’m supposed to find him a cheap apartment to move to.


His neighbor reached out to me to let me know he wants my help and he thinks he’s dying and he doesn’t have a phone (not sure if he lost it, didn’t pay the bill, broke it). I told her that she should call 911 and or APS.


I’ve not talked to him in weeks. I cut all contact except when my husband had him on the phone while he was in the ER trying to convince him to go to the SNF.


I was still hoping that a guardian could be appointed so he could be safe and taken care of. But I don’t think that’s going to happen.


His landlord has been granted an immediate eviction. In our state they can happen pretty quickly. So it’s any day now.


So after all of this, he’s going to be at homeless shelter and maybe end up in psych ward or on the streets.


I was foolish for getting involved to try to help someone who was never there for me and used me. Someone who never wanted to help themselves. So how did I ever think I could help him?


I’ve recognized that he’s had mental issues my entire life. I just never thought much about it and wasn’t around him enough to see him for what he is.


It’s a very sad situation. Yes, I am grieving over this. Maybe not so much that I couldn’t help but that this relationship was never and was never going to be what I thought it should.

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I’m truly sorry for your pain in this, also glad you’ve realized that you’ve done all you can and it’s time to practice self care. Untreated mental illness is a plague in our society that we’re failing miserably in dealing with. I hope you can move forward in peace
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@ikdrymom
He doesn’t know where I live and it’s not too close to him. But he probably does still know the name of my business and the city that’s it in.
This has been a fear of mine. But I will call the police or ambulance if he shows up.
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Does he know where you live? I am concerned when he gets evicted and shows up at your doorstep
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You have done enough. Never feel that you could have done more. The system has not done its job. Thats not your fault. If they can't do anything then you can't be expected to either. So sad.
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Windy,

Your story is tragic. Wishing you peace during this difficult time.
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I feel this so much. Sorry you dealt with that. Everyone advises you of all of the things to do to go through the proper channels to get help for someone. None of it works. Absolutely nothing. I’ve used every resource available, even my own money for an attorney and couldn’t accomplish anything. Things have just gotten worse and will continue to until he passes away or some agency decides it’s finally time to step in.
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It is shocking. I feel completely gas lit.
We are in Maryland. He has to threaten suicide for me to petition for an emergency hold or end up in the hospital with 2 Dr’s signing off for him to go to psych involuntary.
I’ve called the police on him when he was telling me he was going to harm his neighbor. My husband went there and that’s when he was barricaded and had a concoction. It took police 2 hours to get there and they asked him he wanted to harm himself. He said no. They talked to my husband. We’re understanding but there was nothing they could do.
He literally called the police from his hospital bed in the ER because he said they were withholding food and water. On the same visit he refused potassium pills because he thought they were giving him sleeping pills. They didn’t see either of these events as any cause for concern to have a SW visit with him or keep him for further evaluation. They discharged him in an Uber back to his place alone shortly after.
I’ve learned recently that because the hospital that he goes to all of the time does not have a psych unit, the chances of them transporting him is slim. He also doesn’t have health insurance so it seems they just want him out of there.
He is able to keep it together just enough when he’s around people. He doesn’t elaborate on a lot and answers yes and know. Most of his delusions and paranoia happen in the evening so the agencies that show up like APS, crisis, his attorney do so during the day when he is calmer. He will tell bizarre stories that aren’t true but they don’t recognize that.
I knew for sure that he would violate that peace order. And when he did, the police did nothing. They made the victim go to the court house and file charges. He should have been arrested on the spot.
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I am really surprised no One has had him Committed ? I Know here we have the BEST team they will go and do a emergency Psychiatric eval and commit them to a psychiatric ward . Especially if he is violent . I feel for you . Hopefully he will get committed . I Know a Daughter who went in front of a Judge and Had her Dad Committed and he went to detox and rehab . She went in front of the judge the Police came and Brought him to detox and a Psyche ward .
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Tragic really - My father was kidnapped from His Home by My sister- taken to California from Boston where he has Lived for 35 years . She Only took the Important documents , no clothes or shoes or his cane . I Immediately called APS- They said " Call back in 24 Hours . " I grabbed a social worker and we ran to the Boston Police . They called My sister " oh we are going On a Vacation to Hawaii and are getting On a Plane . " Mind you he is recovering from a stroke , Can hardly walk , Mid stages of Vascular dementia and Alzheimers, short term memory Loss - More Like a 8 year Old Boy . Then the cop speaks with My Dad " yeah we are going to Hawaii " The cop says " they are going on a Little vacation . " I Know what she Is up to . My son says " have the Carlsbad Police do a wellness check Mom Tonight . " I wait till 11 Pm - there's a 3 hour difference . Carlsbad Police " No One seems to be home " its 8:30 Pm . Next day call California APS . They dont get On it for another 2- 3 weeks . Carlsbad Police finally gets in touch with her he is in Carlsbad not Hawaii . Next day go back to the Boston Police - They make another phone call to My sister - she Lies again " he Lives with me every winter " not true he visited her a couple times for a week and found it boring . They ask my Dad " yes " he says ...... I call her Husband , he calls me " A F..G Psychotic B... tch" No One has ever talked to me Like that before . They wanted His Money they Immediately get all the Money in His Bank account . The stockbroker calls me " they are here trying to get Money I Can Hold them off . " Takes me a week to get the right lawyer I am in Boston - we were able to Block her with the stocks and 401 K . Next the elder attorneys secretary calls me " Karen are you ok did she Hurt you ? She has your dad On the phone and is screaming at him and telling Him what to say " Yeah Its called elder abuse . I hear this story Over and Over - The guys at the 401 K office says " she told your dad to give her the dividend check" next all Our Mail Is forwarded to her House 10 times in a year- She has now Placed her address on everything . Everything taking Place is Illegal . She Promied to return him after Christmas then March 1 , 2023 - That never happened . I go out to California call APS - aps alerts her " That I am coming " I am told to have a Police escort and all My Paperwork on me POA / healthcare Proxy . We go to the House My father runs Out of the House the husband grabs hm and throws him back inside the House . They Police talk to him for 40 Minutes. I never got to speak with My Dad and I have Lived with him for 12 years . I am told " there is Nothing they can do I Must file for Conservatorship . " I drive to San Diego the next day and fill Out the paperwork at the clinic - then I am told to report elder abuse . next Day 9 Hours I wait I get a court date But Not for another Month . I speak to about 8 lawyers and I get a different story from each One . One Lawyer tells me " I Cant get conservatorship because he is a resident of Massachusetts . " Then I am told to try to appeal to my sisters senses. Foolishly I go over to her House alone and chased by her crazy drug addict husband for a Half Hour driving 80 MPH and I keep calling 911 for Help . I finally get to a Hospital with a security Guard and am then served with a restraining order . Mind you all Lies - Then I Have to go to another court house, More bull sh*t and Paying sheriffs . It was a Nightmare - My sister and her Husband Made up the worst Lies to the judge. No lawyer in Massachusetts can represent me In California . I was there for 2 weeks and nearly killed . Ok so the system is broken . I speak with a Lawyer at Harvard Law school " Karen is it really worth it ? " Then I try and get conservatorship here and am told " he is a California resident " So In theory These people who are suppose to help you Like Police , Judges , lawyers , APS are Overwhelmed . The system is broken .
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That is what my attorney said would hopefully happen. He would end up in a homeless shelter, have an episode there in which the police could get him to the hospital for psych treatment. Seems that is the only way he will get help. Or a catastrophic event.
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Yes, I have finally accepted that I can’t do anything. Anytime my mind slips back into pity and wanting to make it right, I just keep telling myself repeatedly that I’ve done all I can and can’t do anything else.
Although I feel defeated, I do feel like a huge weight of this burden has been lifted from me.
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It’s been very disheartening to see that APS, the police, the hospital, the SWs at the hospital, his attorney, crisis response just let this continue. Not for the sake of just him but for the sake of his poor neighbor that has had to deal with this for so long and no real protection for him and no solution to prevent my father from harming himself or others.
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olddude, when we forgive someone, it is for ourselves and our own healing that we do it, not the one being forgiven.
When I forgave my parents many years ago for years of abuse, it felt like a 100 lb. weight had been lifted from me, and it was then and only then that I could move forward in my own life in a more healthy way.
Keeping unforgiveness in ones heart only hurts that person and makes them bitter, not the one who harmed them. That's why forgiveness is so powerful.
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Forgiveness should be earned, and he hasn't earned jack squat.
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You were exactly right to get out of this nightmare. Quite frankly, he is now his lawyer's problem, since she seems to be enabling his behavior.
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Yes it is sad. And yes it is worth grieving.
Call APS and call them every time.
Call the police. Refer your dad's neighbors to the police and APS.
Do not become involved. There is nothing you can do here.
If you must write it out to yourself a million times, fill your walls with it in marker, the do it.
There is nothing I can do here.
There is nothing I can do here.
There is nothing I can do here.
There is nothing I can do here.

You have tried EVERYTHING including our court system you protect your father.
There is nothing you can do here, Windy. I am so sorry. But I think finally you do recognize it.
It will never be easy to live with this, but there is nothing you can do here.
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Imagine if you had asked your father to move in with you. Sometimes we have to let go to save ourselves. You did your best but when a person has mental illness like this even your best is not enough to save them. I am learning this the hard way over the past couple of weeks with my own mentally ill and dying sister.
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If he goes to a psych ward then that's a "least bad" solution. I'm hoping for this. At least there they will recognize the depth of his incapacity and maybe the county will acquire guardianship for him. If so, that's a win and he will be taken care of.
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It is sad when we as adults come to the realization that we're never going to have the kind and loving relationship with a parent we always wanted.
You are not the only one who didn't get that, and yes you can mourn over that fact if you want.
Growing up in an abusive and very dysfunctional home myself, I had always said that if I ever cried when either of my parents died, it would be for what I never had not because they were dead.
And because I had made my peace with my dysfunctional childhood and forgave my parents many years before they passed, I actually didn't cry for any reason when they died.
So perhaps it's time to forgive your father for not being able to be the man you needed him to be, so you can move forward in a more healthy way and get on with living and enjoying your life.
Sending many blessings your way as you walk away from this very dysfunctional situation, knowing you did the best you could.
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So sad.

Yes, grieve the father you deserved, but didn't get.

Protect yourself by from the craziness.
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