I moved my mother into my husband's and my home in November of 2005. She had fell at home and broke her hip. She was not able to live on own any longer anyway. This gave us an excuse to move her into our home. She was a very independent woman before the accident, but things have changed in the last few months.
Her short term memory is not good at all any more. She can not wheel herself around the house any longer.
She just got out of the hospital back in June about a 2 week stay with a blockage in her colon and then she contracted VRE. That is not fun to have in the home. I felt so sorry for her.
I am starting to have crying sessions it seems like every other day anymore. I do not see my mother any longer I see a person declining quickly. I am feeling overwhelmed and I don't think my family sees it. I have told them I need to get away for a few days, but that never seems to happen. No one has time to watch or be with mom except me. I am the only child so this is all on my shoulders. Her brother is not any help they have not spoke in several years now.
I do not know if I am just going through a stage or if I am starting to get depressed. I am with mom almost 24/7 except when a homemaker comes in daily. A person can go to Walmart just so many times to get out of the house. I seem to have lost my friends because I can not get together with them anymore.
This on-line discussion is a life line for me. This way I can communication with people and see how they handle different things that come up in their caregiving also.
So if anyone has advice please let me know how to get myself under control.
Losing Control
I just do little couple hour things like trout fishing or play cards and than I'm only fifteen minutes to one hour away my siblings live 658 miles in either direction I live right smack in the middle of them I brought my parents down to live with me as I knew my brother wouldn't do anything and either would his wife. Can't even get them to call so it is what it is and I deal with it the best I can. In the process recognized I had to help me to so I have been smoke free for 14 days not much but I am doing it and I will do it not bad for someone who smoked for 44 years. But my doc says my lungs are exactly what they should be for a woman my age who has never smoked so might as well quit while I'm ahead doesn't mean I don't have other issues tho I take 13 meds compared to my mothers 2 that says something doesn't it. But she doesn't usually do what her doc tells her she knows more and she likes to self diagnose herself and she is also a hypochondriac. Which is always lots of fun. Not to mention a drama queen and I'm just as down to earth as a guy I guess that comes from raising boys or I'm like my dad I tell it like it is and that helps a great deal, ticks people off but I can't be responsible if the truth hurts. I'm little but mighty. LOL one day going to have a S tattooed on my chest. and get me a cape NOT!
Carol
Good job on the smoke free days!!!!!!! Northlake Every morning I say " Lord in Heaven, hear my prayer" I just think I am letting Him know I am up and need a little extra help. Keep up hte good work, strengthen those boundaries, keep parts of your life and private from those you care for. It really works. Daughter just called. Not telling mom. It is my private time with my child who is half way across the country!
Linda
God knows that your are doing a suberb job, and He will never condem you for taking a break. Above all - DO NOT FEEL GUILTY. Your life is what is important now, really, you must understand that. If you get sick, you can't help the loved one. Crying will help for today - don't feel quilty about it, but more is needed! Do get to a support group. I tell my members to call me if they get depressed, they do, and cry as long as needed, then we chew over their problems.
One big thing that helped me through the years :::: "Lord, help me to remember that nothing is going to happen to me today, that You and I together can't handle." DO NOT feel guilty - you are doing the very best you can.
I wish you well, and GOD BLESS YOU all.
Maryan
dedestock listen to loving daughter, I relate to her very much in so many ways.
I don't like my mother but I take care of her because there is no one else been doing it most of my life, My son just had a break up and moved in and she was nosing around and I told her I just didn't know everytime she asked a question because it wasn't any of my business, so I think she got the message. she loves to keep things going and says things that are really hurtful, I refuse to let her do to him what she did to me when I was younger. I found it hard to set boundries because I thought I was supposed to do something well I was it was TAKE CARE OF ME been in the hospital with heart, have HB now all because I let her get to me not anymore and today is day 10 of no smoking. I realized or had a revelation that the cigarettes were not helping me deal with stress don't know why it took so long I guess the time is right so if nothing else I learned this. It's been four years since I brought her and Dad to live in my state dad died two years ago its only a matter of time now she stays in her room and doesn't want to be bothered with us unless she wants to go someplace or wants us to do something for her, It always gets done so she can never say like she did when i took care of my MIL you like her more than you do your own mother well that wasn't true I didn't like her either but she was my husbands mother and her kids didn't want to be bothered either, they do these things to themselves by being controlling and selfish. So what goes around comes around. But I have to live with myself and i'd rather be me than anyone else. God gave you talents use them don't use just one or you won't grow. Its okay for your mother to have a tempertantrum people recognize that. Its okay for her to put you down mine does it in front of my friends in front of me I told her the only thing you do is make yourself look like a ass. Since I told her that she has stopped, I also told her you must watch what you say about my looks because out of all your kids I look the most like you. and that is true, hmmm food for thought so she has stopped that. Sometimes you just have to lay it right out on the table for them because they think they are so smart and just because they are your parent they think they know everything honey they don't. And neither do we but if I know something I am going to speak my mind. In a kind way of course, that is the best way, screaming and yelling never get ya anywhere. God Bless and Good luck and TAKE CARE OF YOU or you won't be able to take care of anyone else.
yes, in deed set boundries, keep your information to your self, My son just had a break up and moved back home and my mother being the gossiper that she is and just loves it when someone is having a hard time just kept asking questions one right after the other what's he doing now is he going to this yada yada yada, I just said I don't know mom really its not any of my business, I am only here to help and love him finally after four or five attempts she stopped asking I didn't want to be mean about it and say its none of your business and I do know the answers but it is none of her business and I am not going to let her do to him what she did to me when I was younger. I don't like my mother never did but she is my mother and I will take care of her to the best of my ability and she is not going to be pulling any strings she is a control freak and the more info you give her the more she uses against you or anyone else and she loves to embelish. This is why she has no relationship with my brother or sister or my son for that matter. But she did it to herself. Why I feel obligated I do not know but I do I guess because I know there isn't anyone else to take care of her but set those boundries at first I thought oh boy we will finally have a great mother daugher relationship WRONG!! so in came the boundries. That doesn't leave us much to talk about mostly the weather or the dogs but that's okay for me at first I felt awkward like I was supposed to do something and than I found out I was supposed to do something "TAKE CARE OF ME" She stays in her room comes out when the housework is all finished or the meals are cooked takes her food to her room eats brings her dishes out and really doesn't want to be bothered with us. At first this bothered me but now I am fine with it. If she wants something she will definitly ask and it doesn't matter if you're in the middle of something or not. So I have shaken off that part of the stress and got me some antidepressants and now I can take care of me. I still can't take a vacation but that will come in time I did go fishing last sat and that was so relaxing so little day trips will keep me sane for a little while longer it's been four years now so probably the worst is yet to come as I buried dad two years ago and have been on the go ever since but I will not give up church, bible classes, my mentoring or anything else I want to do even if I can't do it the way I like to I will modify until I can. Don't lose yourself in the shuffle it is NOT worth it. God gave you a life to and He wants you to use ALL your talents not just one. God Bless and Good luck
I keep saying this, but it is true. Set boundaries. Can you get someone who will respond to her calls as a fill in for you? If she sees that you are not coming each time she cries wolf, she may think twice. I know it sounds harsh, but limit the times you call and see her. Tell her little about your personal life. My mom lives with me and always asks if our daughter has called( lives half way across the country). Sometimes I tell her, most times I don't. What we talk about is personal and private and I keep my relationship with my daughter to myself. When it is something she needs to hear, I tell her. You would be surprised at how liberating it is to have something that is not hers to be shared with. Also, count to ten, don't get caught up in her hysteria. I know it sounds impossible, but take those baby steps. Keep us posted and take that vacation. I am going away 8 days and I have not even told mom yet.
Linda
We have scheduled caregivers who come in for about 30 hours a week. It is expensive, but I would go nuts without it. After the summer is over, I will lessen the time to save money. Who wants to go out in the snow and sleet anyway? My one helper comes 3 days a week from 9 to 1. This takes care of breakfast, shower, laundry and lunch! Tow others come from 10 to 4. This gives me two entire days off and we even have a Saturday night person all year long. This is for our time together. It isn't cheap, but I need to have my independence. It works out well and mom pays for it. I tell her it is much less expensive than a nursing home. I use an agency for most of the coverage and there is no problem with accounting for the money; it is all recorded by them. Good luck and God Bless
Just as an aside, I have had physical therapy in and the gal is wonderful. My father is doing better as a result and gaining more strength. Medicare pays for this. We discovered that the therapist had an upper and lower body cycle that you can get at our favorite place we all like to visit (lol).....you guessed it .. Walmart!! Its around $25 and well worth the price. It can be put on a table too and used rotating the arms with the hands. My father could never use the bike in rehab before due to his knee surgeries, but he can do this easily even at 96. So, just thought I would mention it as some of you might be able to use it with your loved one.