I moved my mother into my husband's and my home in November of 2005. She had fell at home and broke her hip. She was not able to live on own any longer anyway. This gave us an excuse to move her into our home. She was a very independent woman before the accident, but things have changed in the last few months.
Her short term memory is not good at all any more. She can not wheel herself around the house any longer.
She just got out of the hospital back in June about a 2 week stay with a blockage in her colon and then she contracted VRE. That is not fun to have in the home. I felt so sorry for her.
I am starting to have crying sessions it seems like every other day anymore. I do not see my mother any longer I see a person declining quickly. I am feeling overwhelmed and I don't think my family sees it. I have told them I need to get away for a few days, but that never seems to happen. No one has time to watch or be with mom except me. I am the only child so this is all on my shoulders. Her brother is not any help they have not spoke in several years now.
I do not know if I am just going through a stage or if I am starting to get depressed. I am with mom almost 24/7 except when a homemaker comes in daily. A person can go to Walmart just so many times to get out of the house. I seem to have lost my friends because I can not get together with them anymore.
This on-line discussion is a life line for me. This way I can communication with people and see how they handle different things that come up in their caregiving also.
So if anyone has advice please let me know how to get myself under control.
Losing Control
I have found that it is better to have a few people help rather than one person. Like you said, when one quits, you are left holding the bag as they say. One of my ladies could not come for 3 week because her husband had an operation. I was so glad that I had 2 others to fill in the gap. If your mom starts the guilt trip think about this. You were not asked to be brought into this world. That was your mother's choice. You were HER responsibility. Your mother was never your responsibility! However, you chose to be the caregiver. Big difference. Tell her you care for her because you love her, not because you have to. She had to care for you. It was her job to be a mother!!!!!!!! Worked with my mom, good luck
Linda
For a little comic relief I want EVERYONE to know that my mother has in fact NOT had a BM today!
I have had the best day in months. That's why I am so cocky. My husband took a vacation day and we went to lunch and a matinee and ice-cream. I thought I was in heaven and... here's the good part, when i got home I did not get beaten up emotionally.
I didn't the day was going to be good because she woke me up at 4:30 demanding that I open a slit in the diaper because she couldn't pee and carried on for a good while and told me I hated her.
As far as help goes Linda, I have a combination of services and people. I only had one person who stayed with my mother during the day. I am a school teacher. This lady quit and all h broke loose. I never want to be in a situation like that again. I have to have a few people who understand her and who she trusts. She has been very upset with me for bringing in so much help because she raised me and payed for my college and wiped my butt..... But, at the end of the school year I almost had a nervous breakdown because I couldn't handle it all and I missed a lot of work. I am using the summer to get this set up so even thought I am not teaching I continue a routine. We would rather cut on other expenses but have the help.
You are right about this site being a little respite for all of us. Thank you all.
Linda
Let her get upset, she will get over it. My mom prefers the other helpers because they spend so much time with her!
I have an agency here called Comfort Keepers. I think they are a national chain. They have been wonderful.. You can hire someone to just be a companion and the rates are much lower. Four hours a day, three days a week is a great help. That is: breakfast, shower, lunch, some laundry and visiting by a really caring person. You can go out and take care of yourself. Try your church and ask around . I found a person who has been with me for 3 1/2 years by asking a secretary at my dr's office if she knew anyone! She asked around and that is how we found her. She has become family. Just about every Saturday night she comes to stay with mom. She calls on all our birthdays, sings to us and just loves my mom. I can't ask for anything more! But the most important thing I did was set boundaries. "Mom, this is not a hotel.! Mom, this is not restaurant and you don't have choices!!" It works!! Good luck,
Linda
Bowel habits!! Did you ever think that you would come to this????? After dad died, mom wanted to stay in her home. We let her, with a live-in, for 4 months. As soon as the deck, ramp and bathroom were done for her at our house, we moved her. Didn't give her a choice. Sold her house and a builder knocked it down, rebuilt a house on the site. It was tough on all of us, but it had to be. The money she has is from the sale of her house, and will take care of her for years. I am lucky that she is fully cognizant mentally, but she is fully dependent physically. She can walk short distances, has Parkinson's, and high blood pressure, incontinent and is over -weight. She wants to go out shopping, but doesn't realize how hard it is for me to get her out of the house with my back. I try, but once every two weeks is about all I can manage. So I set boundaries. Everyone knows that is my mantra!! Don't give up your life and self identity. I go shopping, lunch with friends and spend time gardening. Every Saturday night, the hubby and I go out to dinner or down the shore during the nice weather. She has a sitter for Saturdays and I have help during the week. Been doing this for 3 1/2 years and it seems to be working. Good luck to you.
Linda
And sometimes, when you are in the medical field, you know "too much" and are always way ahead of yourself. It truly is a day at a time, and every day will be different.
Hang in folks and keep coming back for company while you travel this road,
Carol
thanks. Today was my day to feel overwhelmed & reading your posts cheered me up. This site is a mini-respite - sanity check - smile station rolled into one. Poop is a hot topic at my house.
My mother gets uneasy with new people and so do I. I have to go through teaching them about her and keeping an eye out. I've realized it's worth it because I won't hold out if I don't get people tp help.
Darkangel, tomorrow will be a new day. I will keep you in my prayers.
Carmen
CLL007
Hang in. You're a caring daughter doing everything you can. Get the help you need to stay sane.
Carol
CLL007
Cindy
It's ok to lose it -just go on from there. You are under a lot of emotional stress watching your mother deteriorate. I get feelings of hate and then love and then guilt. It's a roller coaster. Get as much help as you can for the house. Even if it's someone to sit and watch tv with her while you are "off duty". Any money you invest in this will be toward your mental and physical health.
You are not going to hell because you didn't take the easy route. When you start losing it too often it's time to get more help in the house. You are a great daughter and sometimes you are human first. I put my armor shield on but there are days when it does not protect me.
Take care of yourself,
Carmen
CLL007
My mother didn't come to this place easily. She had been wandering downtown at 2AM and 3AM with the fire department returning her home. Unfortunately, she sometimes would take a short-cut on her way home and she would fall and lay there until someone heard her calls for help. This, more than anything, made us see that we needed to take action on her welfare.
There were many little and big things that urged us on. Don't ever feel alone...there is help out there. My mother continues to be happy and recognizes us and other family and friends who visit her.
/njb
Hang it. We know it's hard.
Carol
I really hadn't thought about skipping the night time meds. That would have made it so much easier. She hadn't had a bite to eat while the caregiver was here and yu are right going to bed like that wouldn't have been the end of the world. She kept us up all night calling me over and over again.
As much as I hate to admit that it's verbal abuse - it is. All of her arguments were centered around what a bad daughter I am.
Thanks Carol.
Her whole scene seems to be centered around controlling you. Would it have been horrible to skip the meds and just go? Some meds you can't, so I'm not suggesting this without a doctor's approval, but sometimes it's best just to say, "Okay. I love you and want the best for you, but if you won't cooperate, you'll just have to skip it. See you when we get back."
Only you and her doctor can decide if this approach is safe. But, many times the battle is what she wants and it isn't worth it for you. It seems there are two issues here to chat with the doctor about - one, a new medication and two, can she skip a dose or take it later if a power struff ensures?
Take care of yourself,
Carol